Posted by bob on January 10, 2002, at 21:21:09
Well... it's been a long road (11 years w/over 20 psychtropics - many for more 3 months, some for more than a year) and I'm at an important crossroads.
I've never been able to tolerate any of the meds I've been on long term, due to the physical effects I get from them. One of the worst problems is severe sedation - especially in the mornings. Activating drugs give me agitation. I also have anxiety/muscle tension that I could swear is aggravated by higher doses of the meds. I've taken all classes of meds with the exception of the MAOIs. It has now come to the point that I endure significant sedation/bodily discomfort for the sake of some relief from my mental problems. However, I can no longer make it to work -- I feel too lethargic and sick.
HERE'S THE DILEMMA:
My doctor has arrived at the decision that I should slowly taper off of all meds and go it alone with intense psychotherapy! After all these years of hearing the medical community say that these problems have a biological underpinning, that's all going to be downplayed now? The prospect he's suggesting scares the heck out of me. I tried to live without meds 3 times before: Initially I came off of Anafranil and survived for 2 months, after which I spiraled down (about 9 years ago). I came off of Effexor in 95, and nearly died -- laying in my bed all day almost catatonic with SEVERE anxiety. The anxiety I had only waned when I reached therapeutic doses of Depakote. I lived with significant apathy and lethargy however. Then I tried to taper the Depakote in a last ditch effort to see if I could live without it. I never made it, as I degenerated into a sobbing anxious mess.
I don't know how I would survive off of all meds (I'm on Luvox and Klonopin now). Frankly, I fear I would not survive the washout transition to an MAOI. The doctor said he thinks I'm overplaying it, and that although there might be a bad period, I would recover. He said if I got into a crisis, I could always go into the hospital. His current view is that although I receive some measure of mental relief from some of the meds, the cost is at the expense of my physical health. It leaves me unable to work or have much of a life because of the physical limitations. It's a real quandry. I suspect that if I try what he is suggesting, I will spiral down into a dangerous crisis, and end up back on meds (or ECT), and will have to live out the rest of my life in a significantly compromised state. Unfortunately, changing meds and coming of and on them has really taken it's toll on me. I don't know if I can continue to do it any more. The doctor says I could go on forever trying new combos, and that going off might be worth a try.
I just don't know. It scares me. Suicidality/major depression and severe anxiety scare me the most, followed by the inevitable return of my other problems: obsessions/ruminations, anger/irritability, and a phobia about urinating in public. He thinks these things can be addressed through therapy and need to be faced. Maybe the meds have become too much of a crutch for me? The seems to reach right down to the controversy of psychoactive meds, and I never thought I'd hear my doc saying what he's saying.
By the way, he is a pretty capable pschopharmacologist, and I do have respect for his ablilities and knowledge. He has a point; I've suffered greatly from the side-effects of the meds, in addition to the transitions from one to another. Before I took my first pill 11 years ago, I never could have imagined the physical problems some of these meds could cause.
Sorry to ramble.
Bob
poster:bob
thread:89666
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020110/msgs/89666.html