Posted by Else on October 10, 2001, at 20:03:00
In reply to Re: I'm defective » Else, posted by SLS on October 10, 2001, at 15:19:53
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> Hi Else.
>
Hello Scott> I don't know you except for your first post along this thread.
>
> You really do sound hurt, but you sound even more frustrated.
>
> Knowing someone through their words on the Internet and knowing them in person can be very different. However, there is no doubt that you are honest and sensitive. I do not use the word "sensitive" as meaning that you are overly reactive to rejection, although you might be. Instead, I use it as meaning that you are tuned-in to people's emotions, including your own, and you probably don't understand why others are not. I think it would be a crime for you to become impervious to them.*This is interesting, I am not sure I am too "tuned-in" to other people's feelings. Maybe I am but sometimes I think I interpret rather meaningless gestures or words in an excessively negative way. I don't know if that's what you mean. Conversersly, I would say I am not always sure exactly what I am feeling, except in a very vague sense (good, bad, flattered, hurt, etc...). I think in some instances I am excessively sensitive to what others are feeling, at other times, I am so nervous and/or caught up in what I have to say, I barely notice.
> The rest might not apply to you.
>
> Perhaps you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable to attack by too often displaying your sensitivity and reactivity. You might be exposing too much of yourself to people with whom you do not have an established intimacy.Actually no. This does not apply at all. I wish I could be more open often times.
There is nothing wrong with guarding your emotions from those whom you do not yet trust or feel safe with. This means that it might be time to set some boundaries between yourself and those around you. It is not healthy for you to allow everyone equal access to your personal self. You can share different things with different people. As each individual is unique, so to will be the boundaries that you establish with each of them.*I know what you mean but I do guard my emotions, probably to an excessive level. It keeps me from getting closer to people. I have no problem with sharing my opinions however. This is what gets me in trouble.
>
> It is also important to recognize and respect the boundaries of others. It takes practice to get the "feel" for where an individual feels comfortable in a relationship or even a simple conversation. That you so quickly "blurt" things out might be representative of your not understanding that these boundaries exist.* I feel that I might not respect other people's boundaries at times, by making innapropriate jokes for instance. At other times, I will try to get closer to people and fail because I don't really know how.
It might be that once you respect yourself enough to set boundaries so as to prevent everyone from knowing too much about you, AND, you learn to recognize and respect the boundaries of others, you will find that their respect for you will grow.
*I don't feel I reveal the "appropriate" information. For instance, I tend to discuss scientific discoveries or current events and feel very confortable in that. I have trouble sharing my feelings or cheering people up though. It feels fake or unnatural for some reason.
> It is not necessary that you disclose all of yourself to everyone around you. It is your right to pick and choose. It is healthy you do this. It is your responsibility to keep at arm's length those whom you do not care for or feel unsafe with. This might best be accomplished by not telling them too much. It is within your power to assert your own boundaries. Perhaps you can first try to recognize the boundaries of others, and from them learn how to develop those of your own.
*I think I understand what you are saying. The thing is, I tend to come off as cold because I don't usually discuss my feelings (neither do my family members and most of my friends, it's the way I was brought up, people just talk about the news or joke around. I have always been a bit envious of the people who could be completely genuine at all times. I am much too cynical and distrustful for that). I never feel uncomfortable discussing "intellectual" subjects because I am rather secure about my intelligence. I feel safe doing that. I avoid discussing my feelings because it's alien territory to me. I'm afraid I'll start crying if someone criticizes me, even constructively; or I'll take things very personnally when people are only joking and get angry or upset, it's a real problem.
> Do you find it difficult to say "no"? I still do.I do too. I sometimes fear people will be as hurt as I would be ( or would take a "no" as personnally) which is not always the case, obviously.
> When I get lost, I try to follow a simple rule. When in doubt, say nothing. I obviously don't do a very good job of it. :-)
* I wish I could. I have been working on that for years to no avail. I find that a lot of really dumb people manage to look "deep" simply by keeping their mouth shut. But you know, sometimes it is so tempting to just say SOMETHING. It just springs to mind and it HAS to come out. Why is that so bad? I suppose if people don't like you in the first place it makes you even more annoying in their eyes.
> Take your time. You'll be OK. It's great that you can talk about these things so openly with the right people. I don't know if I could be so brave.
Geez Scott, honestly, the only reason I can be so open about everything is because I take so much Klonopin. Before, I could never even have posted anything here. I would have been too worried about the negative feedback. Anyway. Thanks for replying. I do feel much better than I did yesterday and much of this is due to the replies I got here. Thank you for taking the time.
>
> Sincerely,
> Scott
poster:Else
thread:80808
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011007/msgs/80925.html