Posted by SLS on October 10, 2001, at 15:19:53
In reply to I'm defective, posted by Else on October 9, 2001, at 20:48:56
Hi Else.
I don't know you except for your first post along this thread.
You really do sound hurt, but you sound even more frustrated.
Knowing someone through their words on the Internet and knowing them in person can be very different. However, there is no doubt that you are honest and sensitive. I do not use the word "sensitive" as meaning that you are overly reactive to rejection, although you might be. Instead, I use it as meaning that you are tuned-in to people's emotions, including your own, and you probably don't understand why others are not. I think it would be a crime for you to become impervious to them.
The rest might not apply to you.
Perhaps you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable to attack by too often displaying your sensitivity and reactivity. You might be exposing too much of yourself to people with whom you do not have an established intimacy. There is nothing wrong with guarding your emotions from those whom you do not yet trust or feel safe with. This means that it might be time to set some boundaries between yourself and those around you. It is not healthy for you to allow everyone equal access to your personal self. You can share different things with different people. As each individual is unique, so to will be the boundaries that you establish with each of them.
It is also important to recognize and respect the boundaries of others. It takes practice to get the "feel" for where an individual feels comfortable in a relationship or even a simple conversation. That you so quickly "blurt" things out might be representative of your not understanding that these boundaries exist. It might be that once you respect yourself enough to set boundaries so as to prevent everyone from knowing too much about you, AND, you learn to recognize and respect the boundaries of others, you will find that their respect for you will grow.
It is not necessary that you disclose all of yourself to everyone around you. It is your right to pick and choose. It is healthy you do this. It is your responsibility to keep at arm's length those whom you do not care for or feel unsafe with. This might best be accomplished by not telling them too much. It is within your power to assert your own boundaries. Perhaps you can first try to recognize the boundaries of others, and from them learn how to develop those of your own.
Do you find it difficult to say "no"? I still do.
When I get lost, I try to follow a simple rule. When in doubt, say nothing. I obviously don't do a very good job of it. :-)
Take your time. You'll be OK. It's great that you can talk about these things so openly with the right people. I don't know if I could be so brave.
Sincerely,
Scott
poster:SLS
thread:80808
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20011007/msgs/80895.html