Posted by Anna Laura on June 9, 2001, at 2:07:09
In reply to Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Autumn Despotis on June 6, 2001, at 22:36:42
> I feel so miserable, like dying. It's really bad today. I just can't imagine feeling any worse at this point. That insurance policy said it didn't cover suicide. Fuck heads, But if it looked like an accident, it would pay off. "If I had a million dollars...." Then he could have whatever he wanted. But do I really want to be dead? I imagine suicide=hell, but it seems like most of this life is hell to begin with. I am so far down in this black hole, there seems to be no way out. I probably need to listen to Nine Inch Nails music and make myself even more suicidal. Yeah, that's it. I'll do that. Maybe. I don't even feel like hearing music. My head is pounding so hard, like millions of militia men marching through in some psychotic syncopated rhythm. They're out to get me, I suppose. But then, aren't they all? What is it about me that makes these people react the way they do? I may be the only sane one, I seriously doubt that, though. But I need help, help and more help. My mind is flying around Jupiter somewhere. I can't believe I'm getting worse. I don't want to go back to that hell hole they call Baylife. It's worse than death, or even wanting to die. What if my dream comes true, though? I just don't know. I feel like the velvet underground cd with the Warhol cover is playing in my head. That psychiatrist paid absolutely no attention to me, really, he just kept handing me different drugs, not mentioning the horrific side effects, or the fact that with my med. History, I shouldn't even have been taking half of them. I wish I had taken all of them and gotten this fucking thing over with already. This new job is making my life an even greater hell. I'm afraid it will really push me over the edge. I need a new psychiatrist like yesterday. I pray that someone helps me, soon, someone who can understand this, before it's too late. I don't know where to turn. Please, God, anyone, hear me, I'm silently shrieking in pain and angst that has gone on too long. I can't go back to Baylife. I will die first. There must be some other solution. Will anyone ever understand this? I'm so scared right now. I wish i had enough drugs to do the job now, but I don't. That is scary. Actually, my OD attempts have always failed, maybe I was never serious enough. Maybe I'm not now. Maybe I just don't know. If anyone could just talk to me, my cell is 813-716-1068. If someone reads this and thinks they can help, please, do so.
First of all, pardon me for this lengthy post. Second English is not my language (posting from Europe), so please forgive me if i make mistakes.
Dear Autumn,
I've been there too. I suffered from psychotic depression (major depression with psychotic features).
I didn't know that such a horror could actually exist before that: it was an endless torment, it was hell on earth.
I was permanently floating in which i called "the permanent night of the universe": no more blue skies, just an endless,dark ,cold void, an horrible, ferocious vacuum that was sucking me back;
I was so scared that i felt like waiting in the death row.
I coudn't sleep, i couldn't eat (i was so anxious my mouth got dry and couldn't swallow 'cause the food sticked to my mouth). Even drinking was such a pain! Just drinking a glass of milk was a torture.
I 'm still able to recall those awful months: the picture it's still vivid.
Unfortunately, it actually lasted for years because i was undiagnosed, so the whole thing got chronic and I worsened throughout the years; i have been given the wrong prescription: just benzos at high doses from which i grew addicted on also.
I was suicidal too: i wanted this terrible anguish to stop; i was thinking about hell also; if only i had been sure that there was nothing after death i'd have killed myself for sure;
One thing that stopped me from committing suicide was rage. i realize it's not a good thing, but it kept me alive: i was thinking all the time about those doctors who gave me the wrong medication : it's now been aknowlodged that just taking benzos at high doses if you're depressed it worsen you depression really badly. These people told me i was suffering because i was immature and that i grew addicted on benzos they prescribed me because i had a "dependent character". Moreover, they told me i was getting schizophrenic (nice thing to hear, uh?).
I wanted to sue them, but if i wanted to bring them to court i had to stay alive.
Finally; i met a pdoc who was exceptionally kind and caring; he prescribred me for imipramine (tofranil) at high doses : it worked only partially, but it did well enough to get me back on my feet, so that i stood up and fought the monster; it also gave me enough strenght to feel angry, so that i wanted to keep myself alive, as i previously said.
Curiosity helped too: i can still recall the date i fought back the monster ; it was a sunny, first of May of 1993 (the curious thing is that the first of may it's "all fools day").
Well, that very day i got completely psychotic (thinking about Apocalypse and all that stuff) and had a deep insight at the same time: this insight was frightful and beautiful.
I remember that i told myself : "it just can't get worse than this, i touched the bottom and i survived!".
All of a sudden i felt brave enough to kill myself, but i also felt so deeply in love with life also. Since i wasn't not afraid of dying any longer, i wasn't afraid to live either.
I realize that sounds kind of contradictory, but that's what happened. Life wasn't so scary anymore. It was something to explore, It was like the world had become a huge fairground, awful and interesting at the same time; anything could happen since i took life in my own hands. I could do anything, being anyone i wanted to. That "glorious" day i decided to live, and things grew better and better as time went by.
A few months after that episode i felt much better: even if i had a second bout of depression many years after that, i never experienced that horror again.
If you want to know more about my experience you might go back to my previous posts.(May 27, Trauma/Major Depression and Ad's).
Sorry if i talked about myself, but i thought that perhaps listening to my story could help you;
i'm a little bit self-centred, i admit it, but i really want to help, and it wasn't easy to write down this letter ,believe me.Concerning your despair/discomfort, my personal opinion is that perhaps you need to find the right med or a pdoc human and understanding (or both) so that you can grow stronger and fight this horrible monster back. This is my humble opinion.
Love and good luck
Anna Laura
poster:Anna Laura
thread:65609
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010605/msgs/65887.html