Posted by vince on June 7, 2001, at 0:56:59
In reply to Help me if you can, I'm feeling down., posted by Autumn Despotis on June 6, 2001, at 22:36:42
> I feel so miserable, like dying. It's really bad today. I just can't imagine feeling any worse at this point. That insurance policy said it didn't cover suicide. Fuck heads, But if it looked like an accident, it would pay off. "If I had a million dollars...." Then he could have whatever he wanted. But do I really want to be dead? I imagine suicide=hell, but it seems like most of this life is hell to begin with. I am so far down in this black hole, there seems to be no way out. I probably need to listen to Nine Inch Nails music and make myself even more suicidal. Yeah, that's it. I'll do that. Maybe. I don't even feel like hearing music. My head is pounding so hard, like millions of militia men marching through in some psychotic syncopated rhythm. They're out to get me, I suppose. But then, aren't they all? What is it about me that makes these people react the way they do? I may be the only sane one, I seriously doubt that, though. But I need help, help and more help. My mind is flying around Jupiter somewhere. I can't believe I'm getting worse. I don't want to go back to that hell hole they call Baylife. It's worse than death, or even wanting to die. What if my dream comes true, though? I just don't know. I feel like the velvet underground cd with the Warhol cover is playing in my head. That psychiatrist paid absolutely no attention to me, really, he just kept handing me different drugs, not mentioning the horrific side effects, or the fact that with my med. History, I shouldn't even have been taking half of them. I wish I had taken all of them and gotten this fucking thing over with already. This new job is making my life an even greater hell. I'm afraid it will really push me over the edge. I need a new psychiatrist like yesterday. I pray that someone helps me, soon, someone who can understand this, before it's too late. I don't know where to turn. Please, God, anyone, hear me, I'm silently shrieking in pain and angst that has gone on too long. I can't go back to Baylife. I will die first. There must be some other solution. Will anyone ever understand this? I'm so scared right now. I wish i had enough drugs to do the job now, but I don't. That is scary. Actually, my OD attempts have always failed, maybe I was never serious enough. Maybe I'm not now. Maybe I just don't know. If anyone could just talk to me, my cell is 813-716-1068. If someone reads this and thinks they can help, please, do so.
Autumn Despotis, I've been extremely suicidal for the past few years. Like you I felt that suicide might deliver me to an everlasting hell that would be even worse - a bottomless pit. I have a feeling now that God is more merciful than that. However, recently I have found a couple of things that have helped. The first was Neurontin. It got rid of the pain that drove the suicidal desires, but it wasn't perfect, just made it easier to get through the days. Lately I've went to Geodon / ziprasidone. I've been with it about a week and so far it is very promising. I'm not suggesting that's what you should try but if you tell us your symptoms and the medications that you've tried and your reactions there are some very knowledgible people here who might have had similar experiences as yours, and who can maybe give you some helpful suggestions. I'm sure there is relief for you if you can just find the right med or combination. Please hang in there until then.Vince
poster:vince
thread:65609
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010605/msgs/65626.html