Posted by coral on October 20, 2000, at 17:55:55
In reply to Re: Yay, I finally have a hobby.---Arghhhh!, posted by Christina on October 20, 2000, at 14:42:08
During my first depressive episode, I was doing some work in clay and made a self-mask, actually molded from my face. Due to improper clay, the mask came out very distorted, with a couple of large cracks, but it represented exactly how I was feeling at the time. I've kept it as a visual reminder of the HELL that I will NOT go back to, under any circumstances. The second depressive episode (much less severe and much shorter in duration) scared the living daylights out of me. I was completely blindsided by it, and although I took immediate and effective measures to tackle it, and I do believe I'm on the healing side, it still has me scared. I literally have immersed myself in attempting to understand, learn, heal, and, frankly, "morbid fascination" fit me to a tee. On a particularly bad day a week ago, I spent six hours scouring the net and this board for information while not doing anything else for the remainder of the day, including dressing, bathing or eating.
By NO means do I intend to minimize others' struggles, and find myself humbled and in awe of the people on this board who have fought this battle their entire lives. But, for me, this second episode is almost like having flashbacks. In addition to three and a half years of my life, I came within a hair's breath of losing everything, and am still (six years later) rebuilding financially. I will do anything (short of harming another person) to conquer this depression. Having said that, on my worst days, my best intentions fail me and I'm wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, knowing that I'll probably have a hellish night -- so, I sit counting the hours, even minutes, until the dawn of the next day, hoping it'll be better --- rather like keeping a vampire at bay until the sunlight returns.
One element that I haven't seen (or missed!) in this thread is the amount of energy that depression requires. Maybe I'm just deluding myself, but during the bad times, if I'm at least researching depression, et al, I don't feel like a complete failure.
Also, I will admit to extreme curiosity about this invisible marauder, this thief that ravaged my life once and attempted to a second time. It's like having been mugged and the self-education is like learning self-defense, especially given that I received such incredibly awful and harmful medical advice the first time.
I find depression to be crushingly boring, not unlike being stuck next to a gum-cracking, incessant chatterbox on an overseas flight. I desperately want to think about other things, and will, just as soon as this plane lands.
As far as the world being a painful place --- yes, it is, but it's also beautiful. There is joy in this life and I intend to get back to where joy is an integral part of my life.
poster:coral
thread:46800
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20001012/msgs/46905.html