Posted by Tori on September 21, 2000, at 2:40:34
Greetings,
I've given up on reading ASDM and have always enjoyed this board and found a great deal of information on it; people are always nice. I hope somebody can help me with this.... I am DYING.
Dx bipolar affective disorder with major depression in Feb 00. Have been depressed since I was 18 but didn't go nuts (erratic mood swings) until about 3 years ago when my mom died at 40 from cancer (I'm 26 now). I'm still tormented nightly of nightmares of her slowly decomposing in front of me, watching the cancer eat away at her body. The dreams are always the same. They're just torture. They don't help me, don't get me anywhere, are not insightful; don't help me heal.....just a constant reminder of what I have lost.
I stopped taking 40 mg celexa cold-turkey over three weeks ago. Tapered off wellbutrin SR 300 mg within less than a week. That leaves September 25 the day I finally start Parnate. Monday. I'm still on Lamictal 150 mg bid.
Monday seems years away. I wanted to get off those meds ASAP so I could get on the parnate so my life could get moving again. I'm 'treatment-resistant' and the combo just stopped working.
I have been on the wheel of fortune of all meds prozac and beyond, this is my first round of MAOI's and possibly tricyclics (spelling?).
The withdrawal started Thursday night and I have been sleeping about 20 hours a day, before it was medically induced sleep - 3 T3's every four hours, 30 - 60 mg restoril, 2 - 8 mg clonazepam a day. Now the psychiatrist has put me on 10 mg valium every 6 hours which is useless, think I'll start taking 20 mg; I'm not supposed to take the clonazepam anymore, not sure of the restoril (I know they're all benzos). My head is pounding. I'm getting the lightening bolts in my head. When I move my eyes it feels like I'm getting stabbed i n the back of my brain. Feel nauseated. Don't want to smoke anymore! (amazing, was over a pack a day on wellbutrin, funnily enough!!! (zyban)). ......I'm dizzy, suicidal, crying at the drop of a hat, volatile, actually making plans on how to 'do it' then thinking 'jesus, knock it off!!!', holding onto the words (which the beginning I can't remember, damned benzos...) "this, too, shall pass". Tonight hubby came home, screamed at cat, yelled at him, watched T2 AGAIN (I'm watching the terminator movies over and over again, it's really weird)....horribly irritated; manage to crawl upstairs and just go nuts with an extremely high sex drive (to his delight). I think I am getting mini-me manic episiodes once in a while, especially with the sex, which hasn't happened before.
Please don't think of me as being horrible; the above experiences I have described have never happened to me before and this withdrawal is worse than when I stopped Paxil, a very slooooow reduction of paxil which stilll caused great mental pain at the time in 96 (which also added a nice 80 pounds, thanks Paxil!!!). I am a really nice person, I work as a systems analyst, have good friends, have good moral values and am honest and considerate and sincere; and I have a life to live; I have hopes and ambitions and dreams for my life. What I am going through right now is slowly eating away at me and making me lose who I am, and is turning me into a monster.
I feel I have no lifelines left -- Monday seems so far away and I don't think I can make it. I told my guy tonight that I don't feel 'safe'. He's supposed to go on a hunting trip this weekend and here I go, getting sick and making him possibly losing a trip that he had been planning all year. When I say I don't feel safe it means I need somebody around as I'm getting suicidal idealations (spelling?). I want him to leave on his trip but I have nobody to be with when he is away. I am so bloody scared of what lies ahead tomorrow; each day of withdrawal brings more pain and torment and fear and mental anguish (I even think I 'see' things) --- my brain is totally mis-firing right now and I am TERRIFIED, just TERRIFIED.
Somebody please suggest a med or some guidance or words to hold on to or even a personal experience so I can make it through this. No human being should be put through so much torture; I'm not blowing this out of proportion; I have a high tolerance for pain; it's just I never expected the withdrawal and depression to escalate to such a high level. I don't care if it's religious or what have you -- if religious email me privately; just anything, ANYTHING to help me make it through this and the hope that Parnate will save my life and this withdrawal pain will end.
poster:Tori
thread:44989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000905/msgs/44989.html