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Adult ADD/ADHD Relationship Problems..please help

Posted by Orion703 on August 12, 2000, at 13:12:26

My fiancee, whom I've been with for the past 4 years, has just been "diagnosed"... i guess... with ADD.

Things in our relationship were really great up until about a year and a half, almost 2 years ago. Then things started to slowly.. "fall apart", if you will. I've been trying desperately hard to keep things together, because I've known all along that He loves me, he really does. It's not an excuse to fill in a void that makes me out to be dependent on him. He really tries, but from what I've seen, it's a bit too little a bit too late.

So last night, we went to our psychologist, and he returned the results of this ADD questionairre. My fiancee's scores were all very high, all but the "emotive" characteristic. The psychologist told us "that explains alot".

Then it seemed like our relationship problems all of a sudden became a "ME" thing, rather than a "WE" thing, and I really don't know what else to do.

I mean, the psychologist basically said "This is your fiancee, that's who he is, maybe you just can't handle this type of lifestyle with him". I told him I thought that was a BIT unfair to say because I JUST NOW found out that he had -- > what the counselor called a "Mental Disorder". I did not call it a mental disorder, but the counselor said, in all fairness that is what your fiancee has.

So basically, I've been trying to "put things right" for the past ... almost 2 years... and now? I mean, does this ADD diagnosis mean that my fiancee has some sort of convenient excuse to act the way he does? To me, that translates into "my failings are not my fault"... and it really does appear that he just doesn't try for the long haul. He will satisfy for he moment and forget about US for the future. He basically patches things up for the here and now and is right back at the way it was... a few days later.

The counselor said "you've been with him for 4 years and you've never noticed this?" And i told him I did notice little bits and pieces and i brought them up to to my fiancee. I asked him point blank, "is THIS the way you are, because IF it is, I need to know". My fiancee is like a chameleon, he'll change when he senses fear, but when he relaxes he is right back to "HIM?" I guess.

I just feel like all of the responsibility of this relationship is on ME now, because *I* didn't notice? or something. I cried all night last night. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him because I really feel that there is a weight lifted off HIS shoulders because he now has the go ahead to be the way he's being, in our relationship, and if he fails... oh well, its his ADD and i'm just going to have to deal with it.

I feel this is completely unfair.
Should I hit the "high road"?

Please don't flame me, this has been like having a rock wall falling on me. This just happened last night and I'm lost as to how to put the pieces back together again.

Please E-mail me and/or post here.. i'm open to anything

Thanks
YahYah


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poster:Orion703 thread:42692
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