Posted by julesvox on July 15, 2000, at 15:39:50
In reply to Re: transference or...?, posted by PattyG on July 15, 2000, at 14:15:30
thanks for all the words, everyone...allison, i'll check out that book. sara t--thanks for directing me to the threads. they've been helpful.
i want to amend my post by saying i feel like i have a pretty savvy understanding of what's going on. i've read michael kahn and lots else on transference and ethics and ill-fated reciprocal relationships btw therapist & client and i know well our relationship can and prob. should never be a reciprocal one. (when i check inside i don't 'really' want it to be; that doesn't even feel safe. i trust her to respect those boundaries herself even as i fantasize and hope she has feelings for me.)
also wanted to clarify that i haven't worked with this therapist for nearly 4 yrs and til this summer hadn't been in touch at all for 2 yrs. when we ended 4 yrs ago we had a termination session that we tried to use carefully and intentionally to gain closure. when i've seen her this summer i've felt able to tell her everything that's going on. what's tearing me apart is the feeling state i'm in and the real situation of simply not being in therapy w/her any more.
i have discussed this a lot w/my current therapist...it's up for me just about every day. shellie, your experience sounds very familiar. i do believe a lot of my love for her is about not having gotten her kind of caring & attention when i was young. i wish i could have the same feelings for my current therapist so i could work thru them w/her...i'm jealous! i also think my attachment to my first has kept me from bonding w/ my current.
i've talked with a therapist friend about how maybe we got deep into the mirroring stage and didn't have time for her to fall off her pedastal in front of me. i have some anger towards her and it sometimes feels like she abandoned me. i know she didn't; i'm the one who moved away when i graduated & left an abusive relationship; but these feelings seem like an important part of the process and i try to go into them & explore them.
as i said, i wish i wanted to say goodbye forever or goodbye forever to this stage in our journey but i don't and i can't change my feelings; i'm trying just to be fully where i am. i wish she would do it for me (say goodbye) but her generosity/availability/flexibility is making this my responsibility (and makes me feel more attached). i've tried to ride it out for 4 yrs and take the grief to the next stage but it still hurts like hell to miss her this much and i can't see much else. i've felt suicidal for the first time in many months.
maybe there's nothing i can 'do' to unstick myself but be where i'm at w/this and try to learn why it makes me feel so bad. i wish there were something i could do.
julesvox
poster:julesvox
thread:40458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000708/msgs/40569.html