Posted by Noa on May 17, 2000, at 10:39:22
In reply to Rage and Cutting Revisited, posted by Cynthia M on May 17, 2000, at 10:08:58
Cynthia,
All I can say is that it can be so demoralizing when you are trying so hard and not feeling any progress happening. I often say something similar to what you did, about wanting to be able to just live like a "normal" person, without all the crap that we struggle with. For me, it has been helping lately to try to conceptualize the problem as one I am experiencing, not as one that I *am*. This is hard for me to do, as I imagine it is for you, too. I took an image from a book for teens on depression, called Conquering the Beast Within, by Cait Irwin. The image is of depression as a beast, external to the self. It helps me to envision my depression as a problem that is oppressing me, that I don't deserve, that I need help surviving and fighting and resisting, etc. If I were to expect myself to just control my feelings and get my s**t together on my own, that would be adding to my burden because it would be setting myself up to fail.
What I am saying is not the same as not taking responsibility for getting well. It is just acknowledging that I need help to do that.
And it takes a long time. And it is hard.
To place that overwhelming expectation on yourself, that you should just pull it all together and stop having problems, well, that is just adding to your self-torture, isn't it?
But if you have a bad day, like yesterday, maybe what you need to do is to try to not beat yourself up for it even more. Bad days happen. They are awful and scary and horrible. But they do happen. They are awful enough to experience once through. Why punish yourself again by blaming yourself for having had a bad day. It happened *to* you, so you deserve comfort and soothing, not blame.
Your life sounds overwhelming to me. Nine kids, limited budget, and all. It seems like your coping resources are just stretched too far (whose wouldn't??). It is time to stop expecting yourself to be superhuman.
As for moving toward getting better...You have already taken an amazing step, which is to name the problem, acknowledge it, and talk about it here with us. A person cannot begin to find a way toward wellness without this step.
One thing I read in the two books on self-injury is that it usually takes a long time to develop an entrenched cutting disorder. So, it is not something that will go away in a short time. I think specialized treatment might help you.
And by no means have you been taking up our time and space. This is your time and space, too. It is ours together.
poster:Noa
thread:33767
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000517/msgs/33769.html