Posted by bob on May 8, 2000, at 21:52:07
In reply to Re: Couples Therapy: Me and My Disorder, posted by Noa on May 8, 2000, at 17:12:25
(why I *ever* consider doing something other than signing onto Babble for a couple days in a row is really beyond me ... ;^)
Let's see ... Janice first:
How do I get at my issues? That can really be a sticky problem since I've realized that so much of my misspent mental energy goes towards keeping my really *serious* issues AWAY from me. Lately in therapy, I've been learning the true meaning of "defense mechanisms" and how your unconscious mind can totally blind your consciousness from something too chilling to face directly.One thing I tend to be good at is coming up with metaphors ... which, given how hard it can be to put a direct tag on some feelings, can be quite useful. Early on in my work with my current therapist, I realized just how much this work was like peeling back the layers of an onion -- a fairly common metaphor, as it is. Maybe that's why it seems we go round and round so much. The difference between layers can be so subtle, it really can be hard to pick up any change.
(Here's an echo of Phil's quote which Vesper should appreciate, if you're lurking out there:
"I'm just a mirror of a mirror of myself, all the things that I do." -- Emily Sailers)Then again, my brain has given me a rather clear signal for when I'm finally peeling back that layer, when I'm making some breakthrough: there I'll be, lying down, and all of a sudden I'll get this buzz in my head that makes me incredibly dizzy ... just as if I'm about to have some sort of out-of-body experience if only my spirit could leap out of my skin. Another way of describing it is like that buzz you get when your arm or leg falls asleep, but this is inside my head ... and strangely enough, it does feel quite rewarding. (I just hope the thought of it doesn't make anyone out there nauseous!)
A metaphor I've had about my "issues" for a long, long time, tho, has been this feeling like I'm doing some sort of primitive dance around a fire. Surrounded by a ring of tall, southwest US desert sandstone boulders. Everything is lit up by the fire EXCEPT for the fire, which is this black, terrifying emptiness. Not that I've ever seen much of it -- I've been far too afraid to look at it, so the images I have are the glimpses you get of things out of the corner of your eye.
Remember what I said about those defense mechanisms?
It's long been my suspicion (I don't believe in "hope") that if I could look into that blackness and see what it's hiding (maybe with the help of the "right" friend for support), I'd understand a great deal of what is "wrong" with me. Well, the last month of therapy, I've found myself not looking into the blackness, but standing in its center.
My therapist describes medication as giving you a window on feeling different (she's wise/experienced enough not to say "better", though that generally is the plan, isn't it?). In the last year, as I've been closing in on better and better combinations of meds and making the ground firm up under my feet, I've really come to believe that the best thing medication can do for you is provide you that floor -- maybe feeling solid ground underneath you is the right "window", one of comfort and support instead of feeling "good" -- so you can grapple with those psychological issues our subconscious mind does its best to hide from us while we aren't capable of coping with them.
So, Allison, I wouldn't give in to your (lurking?) friend so easily ... what a Brave New World that would be if it were that easy. That's one reason I love(d) having boB (where are you, man?) around -- his constant poking us all in the side to forget the medical illness model of our disorders and question the social and cultural issues involved. Janice, why question the validity of those feelings you have? If people very much like you have such wonderful things and, because of whatever it was that "made" you manic-depressive, you don't, why shouldn't you feel bitter or angry? While boB might say we should question why we want those sorts of things in the first place and not having them but wanting them may be part of our illness (just taking a guess there), I also have to question the mindset that says we have to "settle" for what we have because this is the best it's ever going to get.
I won't hope for a change, but I *will* work towards one.
Now here's a thought for you, Noa, if hope is so terrifying. We've talked outside of Babble about it before ... I'm guessing you can remember just how strongly I feel about it. Well, my therapist has offered to hold onto hope for me until I'm ready to stop hating it so much. I've never heard anyone else say that, but it seems that the best of my friends, whether they realize it or not, have been doing the same. I'd like to tell her "no", because I feel so guilty about the sorrow my friends must feel seeing what should be MY hopes going unrealized.
But maybe she's right after all ... and maybe I'm just looking for another way to "cut" myself in denying even this offer of comfort.
Well now, all that being said, time for the confession -- standing here in the middle of the black. Hiding it has done me a lot of harm (tho it probably saved my life as well), but shedding more and more light on it is the only way I'll ever understand it.
Like most perfectionists, I imagine, I punish myself for my failures. Like most perfectionists with mental disorders, my failures are innumerable and my punishments quite vicious at times. Those are some of the inner layers of the onion. I've always felt like a failure -- but I've always felt the punishment was coming from someone else. My parents. God. No one in particular ... just some sort of cosmic inside joke on me.
What I've come to understand most recently is that the (imagined) attempts to punish me by others have all been miserable failures as well. The only one who can REALLY punish me the way I deserve is me.
So I'm both a perfectionist and a masochist -- ain't that a bitch!
So, for the lurking friend who may be out there thinking the right med is all I might need -- maybe you could recommend a pill for me that causes some excruciating pain, because as much as many of you might not understand it, I get "high" off of hurting myself. Psychologically, not physically, but for the "right" reasons and only with the perception of complete control. I'm sure that there's some chemical compound out there that would do the trick for me.
One thing I *do* know is that I DO NOT WANT this timebomb sitting around in my head, psychological claptrap it may be or whatever. If I had known this about myself any number of times in the last 15 years, I *would* have killed myself. No "cry for help" disguised as a suicide attempt; more like a .45 out the back of my head ... with maybe a few preliminary rounds into my legs or something like that just for kicks.
No wonder the "darkness" of that fire scared the sh*t out of me, eh? I can't even say if I've hit the core of it (the center of the onion) -- it's still too new and too unexamined. But for the first time in my life, I can do more than turn at look ... I can step into it, come into contact with it. And it's my firm belief that I can do this without any fear, as chilling as it is all the same, because of the solid ground my meds have put underneath me AND because I have a therapist (the "friend" I've thought I needed for soooo long) who can look there, too, and who knows me well enough to yank me out if I need it, guide my search if I need it, and help me question the "truth" in what I find -- because that is ONE thing I certainly need!
Well, so much soul baring for one night ... I just hope IE 5 doesn't crash on me when I hit the Submit button ....
cheers,
bob
poster:bob
thread:32334
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000508/msgs/32837.html