Posted by bob on April 21, 2000, at 21:12:58
In reply to Re: what is Self Esteem? / Janice, posted by Mark H. on April 21, 2000, at 16:48:26
haiku?! that was haiku? Gee, I'm a poet and ...nah. Too old a joke.
> ...I realized also what I'm trying to say is that our feelings are basically not trustworthy -- especially so for those of us with mood disorders. So if we can use logic and reason (that's the "accurate" part of "accurate self-knowledge") to combat our feelings of worthlessness and despair, so much the better....
Hmm ... I don't know if I can do that.
I mean, there are some psychologists that argue for cognitively-based emotions -- in other words, you need to experience something, process the information, and then you'll have some emotional response. The guilt/shame thing from attribution theory that I mentioned above is a good example. These sort of folks often talk about the CAB cycle -- cognition, affect, behavior ... we think, we feel, we respond overtly. That triggers a response from the environment, then CAB all over again.
That may work fine for more "complex" emotions, but there are some simple, primitive, "raw" emotions that get triggered without much thought at all. It doesn't even have to be some sort of conditioned response -- tho I'd put those in non-cognitive emotional responses -- it could be pure reaction. Like when you reach for the doorknob and someone opens it unexpectedly from the other side (got my girlfriend GOOD with that one tonight ... she jumped back four feet or so). Love at first sight. Nothing rational about these sorts of feelings, and I don't think there's any mantra you can recite to eliminate them from your life.
More to the point -- the most deeply seated esteem-busting feelings I have about myself have no basis that I can see in rationality, and they are impervious to contradictory, rational, fact-based arguments. For example:
Being "judged" wigs me out. I cannot help but believe I will be found wanting, no matter the issue. So, when facing any sort of task under the scrutiny of someone else, I cannot even start it. It kicks me into all sorts of OCD-like anxiety-managing/provoking behaviors. Now, I've been facing a deadline on a faculty minigrant at the college where I teach web design. (1) I have been told by the person running the grant program that I will most likely get the $3000 grant because she personally thinks my project is compelling and important. (2) My program director agrees 100% with this assessment. (3) The program is not highly competitive and multiple awards will be given out. (4) The skills needed to complete this project are easily within my capabilities. (5) I am an excellent academic writer, and (6) I'm about 10 for 10 on having grant proposals approved, with dollar amounts ranging from three to six figures. You would think there is absolutely no rational, fact-based argument that could be made to suggest I wouldn't get the grant if I could just sit down, write the 2-3 pages needed, and turn it in.
Whoever said I needed rationality to undermine my own efforts? Quite the opposite.
I missed the deadline (last Friday). The grant program director extended it for me (to next Monday). I did everything I could to avoid writing those stupid 2-3 pages until my girlfriend suggested I take 2mg of klonopin instead of my usual 1mg yesterday (Thursday). I did, and later that day I finished off the proposal in about 25 minutes.
Score: Medication 1, Rationality 0.
Maybe somewhere deep inside my psyche is some rational explanation for why I behave that way. Maybe the deeper such a kernal of self-hate is, the less of an effect any conscious thought will have on it. But I haven't peeled back enough layers of my mind to see that deep and dark ... yet.
cheers,
bob
poster:bob
thread:30698
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000420/msgs/30906.html