Posted by Racer on January 28, 2004, at 18:39:01
In reply to Re: Racer Report: re Being Proactive » Racer, posted by judy1 on January 28, 2004, at 10:53:32
I read the post and agree that it was on point. We do evolve with experience. Uh-oh! I think that means we've got hope!! Whatever shall we do?
Funny you should mention disabled riding. I was thinking about a little girl with CP I had a few years ago. She was profoundly disabled, would never be able to walk, probably never talk. When she was riding with me -- you know, put her on the horse, ask her to try to push herself upright, ask her to pet the horse, walk the horse a little bit and do the exercises again -- she was only 3 or 4, so it was very difficult to know what was going on inside her. What made it so devastating, though, was that quite often when I spoke to her, her eyes made me believe that there was a very alert, very perceptive intelligence behind them. Her family was great -- older sister helping happily with her, loving mother who brought her along every time, etc. I do wonder about her sometimes, because she was one of My Little Girls -- you know how that it -- and wonder what her reality is. And I miss teaching riding, too.
Another thing that's been on my mind, that you'll probably "get" since you've probably watched student/teacher interactions in riding lessons, is that I'm not comfortable being vulnerable. As a teacher, whether riding or computers or taxes, my main "job" is to be the Final Authority. When something happens, I have to be there to calm nerves, comfort and reassure, and provide guidance. When you come right down to it, anyone with average intelligence and about a sixth grade education can probably learn to use Windows or a Mac in a couple of hours without any references at all. If they come to a class, they want reassurance more than they want information. In riding, probably only about 10% of any given lesson is devoted to teaching something new. The other 90% is providing feedback and reassurance while that 10% is becoming more familiar. Even if I don't know The Answer, part of my job is to convince my students that I know The Answers To Everything, that I am there to back them up if anything happens amiss.
Now, here I am, by personality and by experience inclined to take control of anything and everything around me, in a situation in which I am not in charge, I am not in control, I know none of the answers, and I have to place myself in the hands of someone whose expertise I have no way of judging. I can't, for example, ask the pdoc, "What was your midterm grade in organic chemistry?" and expect to learn from the answer whether or not he deserves my trust. I read warning labels, I read websites, I ask the questions I can think of, and yet I don't have the training to put it all together in such a way that I can assess his ability. There's always that little niggling doubt, that worry that my ignorance allows an obvious question to go unasked. Putting my trust in someone else this way requires a leap of faith that I have a very difficult time making. It's so hard to say, "Gee, Dr EyeCandy, I'm scared and vulnerable and worried that if I trust you, you won't protect me. You know, the way none of the other people who were supposed to protect me ever did. Can you promise me you'll do everything you can for me, for my own good?" OK, it's not hard to do, it's impossible, and if I did say it, and he agreed to it, I wouldn't believe him because it's an impossible promise to make. So, I'm stuck.
I think this is like priests who get Doubts. Or maybe atheists? Anyway, it's about having Faith. I lack faith, largely because I've been betrayed a few times, and so I am very leary of releasing control. Unfortunately, it's like playing the violin: if you're worried that it won't sound good, so you try to play quietly, it screeches. To get a decent sound out, you have to start out playing it as loud as you can. Or maybe learning to swim is a better analogy: you can't learn to swim without getting in the water. Since I don't have faith, I'm afraid to jump into the abyss, even if my rational mind tells me that there's a secure net three feet down.
Pretty good digressions, huh? An entire -- and rather lengthy -- post without really having any direction at all. All footnotes, no text. Just the way I like 'em!
(Whatthehell, I gotta laugh at me sometimes...)
poster:Racer
thread:306167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/306603.html