Posted by Racer on January 12, 2004, at 14:29:41
OK, here's another of my rantings. This one is about what went on today in my psychotherapy session, and I'm looking for feedback. And the subject line is Lewis Carroll, for anyone who wondered what on earth I meant by it.
Anyway, today we talked about my attitude towards mental illness. We didn't get too deep into it, now that I think of it, but it did bring up a lot of roiling, bubbling stuffage inside me. Since I already know I'm not alone in most of my experiences, I figured someone here would have some insight that might help me settle myself a bit, so another Rant from Racer. (How does one get register a trademark? I think I should register Racer's Rants, don't you?)
Anyway, I know that mental illness is, generally speaking, like most other chronic illnesses. There's a genetic susceptibility, which can be triggered by exposure to certain stressors. Much like Type II Diabetes, which is expressed when the endocrine system is overstressed by lifestyle. OK, fine, I've got that part down pat. Mental illness is a medical condition, related to genetics and biochemistry and their interaction with the environment.
BUT
Then again, Type II Diabetes can be controlled, and its expression suppressed through lifestyle, as well. As in, if you are susceptible to it, you can exercise, eat a healthy, balanced diet, maintain a healthy weight, etc, and avoid becoming sick.
In other words, you can have a medical condition and guilt, too. (Who says you can't have it all, eh?)
Keep in mind that my family NEVER admitted to disease. To admit to illness was to show weakness, and a flawed character. My mother took this so far that she sent me to school with the mumps, and got upset when the school nurse called her to take me home. She also sent me to summer camp with chicken pox, and left me there. I grew up knowing that sickness of any kind was shameful, and never to acknowledge it.
With all that baggage, you can imagine how I react to my current situation, right? I sit and listen to my pdoc tell me that it's "appropriate to insulate myself from the stresses of the outside world, because I've been so sick," while I'm kicking myself for "malingering" instead of just getting on with it. Whatever "it" might be. And, of course, in deference to my mother's sensibilities, and in defense of myself against them, no one in the family beyond my mother and husband know anything about my current illness. As a result, I'm caught in that spot between trying to come to terms with all this, and having to hear the "suggestions" from many other family members about how to "fix" myself -- all forms of "Just get over it and get on with it." The problem is, since I grew up with all this anti-sickness philosophy, I can dish it out -- to myself -- as well as anyone else. And I do, oh, how I do beat myself up over my weakness and laziness and bad character!
So, for everyone of you who have been through similar processes, how did you handle it? For yourself, I mean, not for the other people around you? (I figure, first thing is I need to stop saying that they're right, then I can start to think about how to deflect the criticism from others. I figured that out all by myself, aren't you proud of me?) (Next step, after that, is to stop worrying about whether other people are proud of me and trying to get approval from others...)
You can probably tell I'm feeling a bit better. Lately, the physical discomfort from both drugs and stress has been so bad that any emotional response has been secondary. Since I've never been properly introduced to my emotions, I can only guess about whether or not my depression has improved.
Thanks to all of you for being exactly what Babble was supposed to be: a safe place to find support and volley ideas around.
poster:Racer
thread:299879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/299879.html