![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 60. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2015, at 21:25:02
do you hate what the internet has become? the way business (or whomever) has control over social media, and the like. the phone surveillance?
did you envisage things would go this far, this fast?
i wonder if nz is a test market, still... i'm fairly sure that it is.
i miss you.
but this site is basically done, isn't it. rhetorical.
cries.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2015, at 19:20:46
In reply to dr bob, posted by alexandra_k on April 23, 2015, at 21:25:02
my grades. kinda feeling demoralised. i thought the first test went fairly well, but disappointed with how i did. i walked out of the chemistry test feeling fairly good about it... hoping for 75... ended up with 60. which is very bad, really. only just above the bottom quartile. only worth 15% so not irrevokable... but typically people do really well in the first test and then grades get culled downwards because things are cumulative and the pace picks up...
i failed my population health assignment. thirty-something. for a 20% assignment. i was expecting some kind of B... i'm going to employ university policy on that one. get them to appoint an independent person to regrade it. i know what a fail looks like... c'mon, people... my tone might have been a little informal but i know full well you aren't failing the kids who really are incapable of stringing sentences together...
i wonder if part of it is to see how people do in the face of bad grades. if you can persist when things are demoralising. but i guess some people are picking up the good grades. i don't quite know what to say.
population health turns out to be just awful for me. they really are ramming their own opinions / values down our throat. lots of distinctions that simply don't make sense. the most un-critical thing i've done, i think. and really old research. and lots of woffle about nothing. and pictures that are all brain stormy etc. e.g., some picture that was supposed to show how little shared vocabulary there was between nursing and management - only i know full well that they have done actual analysis on languages and german and english have more overlap than that and no nurses or managers try and talk to each other in journal-speak, anyway... just one thing after the other thing after the other thing...
i guess i'm not doing so well at nodding and smiling. don't seem to be able to pull it off, particularly. i think... i respect people too much to feel that that is (ever) appropriate.
i don't suppose many people will understand that.
anyway... i guess this means... i don't think there is much hope of my delivering what is required of me for population health. even if i go to all the lectures and read through them and try and understand / remember the key ideas at whatever level of superficiality they require of us... there simply isn't much hope for me. the other one... i think they were trying to teach me some kind of lesson ... which is a bullying thing to do, really. trying to get me to feel afraid. trying to get me to invest even more time into something when i simply don't have more time to invest in it. not unless i put chemistry and biology on the back-burner... in other words... give up on what i care about in order to hang about with them...
i want to see what an independent person has to say about the grade.
i'm scared about bio... i felt fairly good about it... but of course finding things afterwards that i'd done wrong when i looked them up... i'm mostly scared because i felt fairly good about chemistry, too, but did badly at chemistry. and ditto population health.
chemistry... lots of silly little mistakes. missing the double bond on the aldehyde (yes, i know to really check the oxygens for double bonds). mistaking a first order reaction for a half order reaction. but then also lots of... i simply didn't know.
i've gone right back to realatively early lectures and i... well.. honestly... i haven't done problem sets for a while. i really did get behind... while i did really try and cram the reaction schemes i am having trouble reading condensed structural formulae. i need to 'translate' to hyrogliphs and back... i need more practice with condensed structural formulae, basically. and arrow pushing... practice drawing reaction schemes... practice seeing the kinds of bigger molecules and how they fit into the reaction schemes... i didn't realize just how far behind i got...
i guess because i find biology fun / interesting... i have a really hard time with chemistry. i keep wanting to say 'it's different from anything i've ever done before' only i have done some of it... i have a lot to learn about how to learn for it. and there are... too many people. too many people for us to be given sufficient instruction, really. i guess that is basically the situation for this country. you have to take the kids who display the natural talent at the earliest age because they will have to struggle themselves up, really. don't have the resources to invest in nurturing any of them.
i do feel like they... kick us about something chronic. not sure who 'they' is... someone said something about how if you get out of poverty or whatever then you have some kind of duty to go back and help others out... kicking and screaming. something like that. and that's basically it, huh, helping people even when they abuse you for being near them.
i kind of remember a lot of lashing out. when i was younger. just hurting so much. and sort of realising that if someone couldn't survive that then they couldn't help me. not sure if that makes sense even to me. this testing thing... sort of testing... i really didn't mean to be malevolent or whatever... but it seemed important.
and yet now... when i feel people test me... typically... i can't often deal with it. i need to get away. becuase my even keel isn't so strong as to be able to deal with it. so if they can't manage themself (i remember i used to not be able to manage myself) then... i can't help them. crabs in a bucket.
you have to be in a really very good place to be able to put up with that kind of testing / abuse and be resilient to it / be able to respond rather than react. i think about what i would need... i'd need a really nice space for me to have my solitute in. because that's where i re-find my even keel. i'd need some supportive people around me who i could talk to to get a more objective ear... starting to see some of the things...
i'm reminded of this thing on this video... this dr working in part of the developing world. he had a nice hut. really nice. i mean... given how most people were 13 people to a hut or whatever. he said something about how the chief (or whoever) gave him that hut to live in 'because he saw the work that i do'.
i think... it is okay to have more than others if you help others more -- if that makes sense. to use the position you have for good. to appreciate the privaledge.
that's one thing i remember and admire and respect about my past supervisor... he was always (in his prefaces / intros) appreciative to funding people etc... honest about how the quality flights and accommodation... the dinners and drinks... all of that allowed the academics to keep their focus on the work. talking to each other, developing their ideas. the quality was better than it would have been if the conference / workshop had been less well resourced.
and of course... the academics had a responsibility... to focus on the work. and to use those things to help the focus. not to... just piss about. not to... let personal insecurities get in the way of handing in the best work they could do and just being like 'its the best i could do even though it falls so very very very very very far short of some ideal'.
i hope this year is kind of a trial like that... i think that it might be. i think htat... the healthcare situation here is significantly worse than what the public is aware of. i think... the whole country situation is significantly worse here than what the public is aware of.
i keep coming back, now, to how we are a country with a population of a little over 4 million people. our public health system is... staffed by student doctors / recent graduates (who need to work there while they apply to be accepted to further training programs - at which point i think most need to go to australia) and... international doctors who are working towards practice requirements / english language proficiency requirements. 1/3 of people have health insurance... but without that...
i've been upset about how much is getting sold to overseas. at the moment... council land... parks. being sold to overseas investors. they point out that nz investors could buy in... but of course they can't afford to with the overseas investors driving up the prices... but anyway... our country is progressively being sold off... state owned assets... sold off... our firefighters are volunteers (unpaid). our ambulance is a multi billion dollar 'charitable trust' or somesuch and we pay $700 for an ambulance call-out. we 'contracted out' a major prison to a british company (aka they are building a british detention facility on our shores).
but we are all excited abotu sending people to iran... we didn't get in behind september 11... 'we refuse to send people to die for a war we don't believe in' but we are sure as hell stepping up to the party for allied forces at present, since we are selling vast tracts of our real estate / buildings to asia. our economy is doing great... dollar approaches the aussie dollar... lots of ads about how now is the time to travel to australia for shopping...
Why would I be upset that we are becoming more like Australia or the US or Canada or the UK when I probably would be fairly happy immigrating to any of those countries 'for a better life' (aka if i got a decent job offer in one of those countries)? I mean... if most of our skilled people are pissing off for better money / opportunities... Then it seems we need to move in those directions in order to have a hope of keeping some of our skilled people. I mean... We can't compete properly (we don't have enough money) but we need to do better than we have been doing...
Because we simply didn't (still freaking don't) have jobs for our skilled graduates.
They reckon there will be a graduate student tsunami of medical students coming out of Aussie because they have really stepped up the number they are training. Trying to address a shortage of GP's in rural communities, primarily. Apparently the problem is that there aren't enough skilled senior people to train them all. Apparently it is the same for nursing and the like. We don't have enough skilled senior people to train them all. So... As always... People need to struggle themselves up.
And I guess there is a lot of 'I did the best I could but oops they died. They might have lived if they got a doc who knew what they were doing but oh wells they got me'.
If you can't push on in the face of that... Best learn that now, I suppose.
all i can do is my best, i guess.. but feeling pretty demoralised. yeah. just gotta keep on trucking...
Posted by SLS on April 26, 2015, at 9:24:44
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2015, at 19:20:46
I enjoyed reading your post here. You've learned quite a bit.
Keep going.
- Scott
Posted by baseball55 on April 26, 2015, at 19:35:27
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2015, at 19:20:46
You've really taken on a very hard and challenging field, Alex, and with some gaps in your preparation. You've passed, which is something to say. And will get better next semester.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 21:53:11
In reply to Re: not doing so well » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on April 26, 2015, at 9:24:44
> I enjoyed reading your post here. You've learned quite a bit.
>
> Keep going.Thank you. That means a lot to me :-)
How is life treating you these days?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:20:23
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by baseball55 on April 26, 2015, at 19:35:27
> You've really taken on a very hard and challenging field, Alex, and with some gaps in your preparation. You've passed, which is something to say. And will get better next semester.
Thanks Baseball. I get scared because... Things are pretty much decided by the start rather than the end of next semester.
Three of the four courses that determine our overall ranking are this semester. They send out interview offers before the grades are back for any of the courses next semester. Looking at forums with past students... The first test results seem to work as a major sorter... I remember feeling upset a while ago that things seemed to be determined / decided so very early on... But I think I'm starting to come to a better understanding of why.
I think I did reasonably well in the sections of biology that were new to everyone. So... The tissue section at the start and the embryology section. (Though maybe not... Grades aren't back yet). I really didn't do so well in the middle chunk of 'everything you should have learned about DNA / cell cycle / metabolism etc over the last three years'. Mostly... I was unlucky with the content that was focused on... And I didn't manage to get through all of the content... Even though I really did work my *ss off over the study break trying to get through it all...
With chemistry... I'm still learning how to learn it. And I made so many ridiculous errors. Simply because the test meant to much to me, I guess. I hadn't memorised the reaction schemes I should have etc. Ran out of time studying for biology and didn't realize I needed to memorise them until it was a bit late.
Anyway... Nothing irrevokable. I got 9 out of a possible 15% towards overall grade. So... I only lost 6%. So... I'm still sitting on 94% with respect to marks I"ve lost thus far. That is how to look at it.
Must.
Work.
Harder.Hrmph.
That seems to be the decider. A bunch of people gave up during the study break once they realised they couldn't learn it all. A bunch of people gave up once they got crappy marks back. A bunch of people decided that... They would rather be B or C students and go join clubs and have more fun etc.
I think... They basically want for that to happen. For people to... Sort themselves out. To work hard or to... Decide they don't want it, really. I think... They want to see how much I want this / whether I'm prepared to work for it, yeah.
I... Don't have to do anywhere near as well as most of the 'traditional' students do. I mean... For those kids who went to wonderful schools with wonderful teachers... Those kids who supposedly want this for real... There really would be something really very wrong if those kids couldn't get near perfect marks for the 'everything you should have learned in the past three years' parts of the course. And there is a lot of that for chemistry...
They aren't surprised at all that I'm having a bit of a hard time understanding / reading condensed structural formula (need to translate to hieregliphs to 'see' what's going on). It just takes... Time...
But it is hard not being near the best / up in the best batch. For sure. But I guess... They need to see that I can eat humble pie and... Just keep working to improving and... Improve, yeah.
Yeah... Really can't afford to get behind at all. Really need to listen to the lecture recording and rewrite out all the notes for the day in a learnable format every freaking day. Must. Not. Get. Behind. Eeeeeeeep. I can work harder... I can work smarter... And... I will. Yeah.
3 weeks till chemistry test round 2.
Semester will all be over in 8 weeks...
Oddly... Chemistry labs are going great. Really enjoying them a lot, now. Having a great lab demonstrator who seems to get me (and doesn't make me feel more anxious) really helps a lot. I can actually.... Function in them. Yay.
The social science ones are next to impossible... They aren't clear with their questions and I can't tell what they want from me. E.g., they ask 'population health does x' and I'm supposed to say whether it is true or false. I get that the *goal* or *aim* of population health is to do x - but I don't know from that whether it is true or false that it is successful in it's goal... I don't understand what they want from me... They tell me to 'don't overthink it' or to 'think less' but I... Can't.
So...
I needed to request that the dean launch an independent inquiry into my first assignment because the school of population health refused to. They played dumb / were dumb... I don't entirely know what to say... I think... There is a lot of corruption, basically, with people making money with the whole population health thing... Making a lot of money off students who enroll because they think it will get them into medicine... Students who the uni can tell already don't have a hope in hell. But they take their money anyway... They actively market / recruit them... They've adopted a marking schedule that praises people for... Basically giving them their lecture notes straight back in essay format and I... My conscience won't allow...
Anyway..
One of the ladies over there is a bit dangerous, I think... That... Needing me to be dumb / supplicant... That kind of thing... I need to steer well clear of her... But I also need to ensure that she doesn't get any kind of option at all to fail me / mess up my med chances because I won't do what she needs / wants me to do... Manschausen... sp... Something like that... There are people... Through the health system... I think I have a pretty good eye for them... The power to go 'not that one - keep that one the hell away from me'... Oh yeah...
I got a CAT scan of my feet... The technician came in half way through the scan and asked me 'how far up your leg does the pin go'. Then instead of letting me indicate an answer she started jabbing me repeatedly in the leg and emphatically saying at a rapid rate of knots 'here?' 'here?' 'here'? 'here'? and I didn't have the option of responding.
Hard to explain this...
Basiscaly... I couldn't move because I was half way in the the middle of the scan. If I had have moved she would have complained about my being non-compliant etc etc etc. So I had to just lie there unmoving while she poked at me. She did that because... She could.
Those people. Shouldn't be allowed near other people unsupervised.
Ugh.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:25:53
In reply to Re: not doing so well » baseball55, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:20:23
anyway... i just need to make it to interview.
they aren't entirely transparent about the process... i think because they build in a lot of discretion, basically... but i guess i just have to have some kind of hope / trust / faith that they will use their discretion for good...
i just need to make it to interview.
i hope they ask me again 'what do you think is the main thing standing in your way of getting a place / of success in medicine'. because now i've worked it out. the appropriate answer is: you. i've made it thus far. i've made it to interview. and now... the interview will decide my fate. and i know i've done my best to get to this point and i'll do my best if i'm selected but basically what is going to determine my fate is this freaking interview and whatever it is that you decide.
whereas before... i said that my not having much of a science background was probably the thing... and so, yeah, that is a hurdle that i'm having a go at now... and i need to make it back to interview...
i think i'll be okay if i really work very hard between now and the end of the semester. do my UMAT prep in the holidays... keep on keeping on...
i'm really enjoying the classes. most of the lecturers are great. some of the students are great. i can't wait to be in smaller classes with them... currently... there are still lots of not very focused ones... i can't wait to get away from them... lecturers still... lots of pressure to teach to the masses / mass evaluations. showing movies and so on...
sssssh. i don't think we have an education system, either. not really. i think maybe... maybe... 10%? less? of this university actually functions as a university. the rest of it... making money...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:41:52
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:25:53
i think...
popular opinion carries too much weight in this country. i've been thinking more... i think the law school has perhaps corrupted me, a bit. i learned that lawyers here have a lot less power than lawyers do in the US... I suppose I knew that already... But I guess I thought it was a good thing. But now I'm wondering who has the power that the lawyers have and the answer seems to be the politicians... And the politicians... Are about the people...
And the people are so easily manipulated via advertising and by the media. And who is the major sponsor of the media? The government departments / politicians...
And I do kind of think that politicians don't have much power, either, insofar as government advisors really run the show and they are constant through changes in government... But perhaps... Perhaps it is the 'more local' council level...
Anyway, whatever...
So here's the thing... No matter what is the case what seems to matter is what people believe to be the case. Whether the people believe that we have a wonderful health system or an awful health system. Whether the people believe that elective surgeries waitlists are shorter than they used to be no matter what is actually the case. Whether the people believe that everything was done for them vs that there was a medical error. Whether the people believe that our health system is efficient or whatever. Manipulating / controlling what the people believe...
So one gets to... Have more than most. And have the people be okay with that.
I guess.
So... Vanuatu has this storm... Natural disaster. And so NZ is sending all this 'help / aid'. And the leader of Vanuatu is saying that he wants the money to go through him. He doesn't want New Zealanders spending the money how they see fit (probably focusing on internet for surveilance and port and roads for trade) rather he wants control of how the money is spent.
And so we hear that he is corrupt because he drives a new car. So the thought is that we can't trust him to spend it, we best go in and spend it how we see fit. And this is what we communicate to our people on the news. And... See how the people respond, I guess. Whether our people lap it up, or whether there is an outcry.
That seems to be the news... I watch it and think... They are testing us... Seeing how we will respond. Whether we will lap it up.... Or whether the people might actually get a little bit upset about some of the stuff that's going on.
Is the US currently having a civil war? Sure looks like y'all got some race riots etc going on... But then you see how people behave after a football game... And sometimes it can be hard to know what's going on... Looking at what's happening in some countries that are supposedly full of war... And thinking 'sure that isn't a footie game??' So very impossible to tell without the commentary, huh.
Thank god for the commentary. Otherwise... How would we know what to think?
It is upsetting that universities don't teach people to think anymore. Critical thinking... I see...
They are trying to teach us that appropriate referencing is saying things like 'the health situation is much improved in nz (reference ministry of health website). referencing the 'grey literature' (websites) is appropriate. not even saying 'the ministry of health says that the sistuation...' but saying: the situation is improved. Not even 'I believe the situation has improved since reading that' but reporting it as fact: The situation has improved (grey literature reference). That's... Academic, people. Thinking skills.
People are getting rich(er) off carparks. Students gotta park somewhere. Or... The administration / support staff that are employed out of the money that is being made off of student fees.
You got out of academia, huh, Bob. I... didn't want to teach their either. Yeah...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:56:33
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:41:52
has anyone noticed the role reversal?
big bang theory started out... *smart* in a traditional sense. it was really hilarious. the writers... has some genuine kind of insight into academia / what aspects of academia are like. the jokes were funny.
somewhere along the way... it got hijacked. into a regular / dumb sitcom. with stereotypic, cardboard, boring, psychologically implausible characters. doing the dumb regular things that dumb regular people do...
community started out... hilarious. again, a special kind of insight into aspects of technical / community college are like. everyone had a story of how they got to there... what kinds of f*ck ups life had thrown their way... worries about things like 'why won't you walk to the next class with me' and stuff about teachers teachign crap they knew nothing about hoping the class would be popular and so on... the jokes were funny, again.
i was interested because of the whole aspergers thing. i mean... forget the label... the characters... the differences in presentation due to the differences in environment...
but did anyone notice that community got *smart* in a 'big bang theory tradititional smart' sense. they started playing dungeons and dragons. they started developing fantasy role playing games (aka troy the dumb jock turned out to be into fantasy games -??) that episode about the social media thing... that was social commentary GENIUS.
anyway...
i wonder if that is the future... academics will hide in community college sorts of environments because that is where industry will leave them alone.
that seems to be it. industry. making money. distributing money me-wards. selling things that don't belong to you... that's a good way to make money. manipulating people into desiring something that is expensive to dispose of... that is *genius*.
disquiet.
something...
free trade... aka: gimmie gimmie. oil got 'liberated' from iran as 'free trade sanctions were lifted' (with the help of a few bombs). mmm hmmm.. i do wonder sometimes whether 'we give you free trade' is another way of saying 'we make you give to us for free and we give you the sh*t that's too expensive for us to dispose of in return'. like how we get the cars that nobody else wants and that are hard to dispose of. all the sh*t...
appparently oil people want live sheep from us. they say it is to set up breeding stocks for them, but that doesn't make much sense to me. they could do in vitro fertilisation for that. just come on holiday and freaking get some. i think it is more about fresh meat. that's kinda freaky, huh.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 2, 2015, at 0:25:53
In reply to community vs big bang, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 22:56:33
i think we are pouring chemical waste on the roads. we aren't even pretending to put stones in the mix, anymore, just pouring the tarry waste onto them. constantly. and of course, every time it rains, cars go skidding and people die. but it is a constant succession of road works as they keep pouring the waste all over the roads.
i guess we get sold so much crap all covered in plastic because they gotta put the plastic someplace. so... lets put lots of it on stuff that people will buy... hells... people will probably pay more for the stuff if we plastic it up good because then they will think they have more stuff and everybody knows (subconsciously) that most stuff is best.
colors are popular right now. everybody knows cocacola is red - right? well now supermarkets are green.. and advertisements are strategically placed around sports teams... and it is really shocking, if you really listen / watch the ads...
i wonder how much of this they still teach... i wonder if i got 'lucky' in some sense... in studying cognitive psychology when i did... in learning about learning... learning about all these techniques of people manipulation that work to manipulate the people so well the people don't even know that they are being manipulated.
the surveillance... we have supermarket cards. i don't know if you guys will understand the force of this... we have this weird situation in this country. take a cheap chain store... and something really cheap and nasty like awful polyester sheets... they will have a 'massive reduction sale!' where they are 'on sale' for $20 or something rediculous. point is more that when they aren't on sale they are price tagged at something like '$120'. which they clearly aren't worth... so... we have a clear way of manipulating buying / knowing how / when to stock shelves / hire staff etc etc. the people think they have 'we are always open' but really people have 'shop now!'
anyway... back to the artificial inflation of prices so the 'sale price' is actually more of the real price... now we have supermarkets where you need to use a card in order to get the 'discount' (aka realistic) price. so the supermarkets use the cards to track your purchasing information. and of course they can do their thing with information like product placement and price combos (e.g., discount one thing in order to screw people over on the things that go with) and so on...
and the information is used to... make money. that's the thing / the problem.
the information isn't used for good. it isn't used to improve the health of populations. it isn't used to encourage people to make good food choices. it is used to get rich people richer. that is the problem.
they send out surveys asking doctors who they trust for information... so then they know to focus their advertising /education on those trusted figures. they know to pay those trusted figures x amounts of dollars to promote this or that drug, this or that implant, this or that procedure...
the information is used for... ill.
we had this 'green' thing go on in our building... some email came out about making an environmental pledge and you get some card or somethign... and if you followed the link there was basically a market research survey on things like whether you had an ink jet or laser printer and whether you had a car and so on... market research survey. and the idea is that if you do the survey you get a 'green flat' thing you can stick on your door... which is a way of advertising to other people / peer pressuring them to do the survery 'if they really care about the environment'. and the survey was... some kind of 'pledge' to ... what... 'i will take the stairs where possible' (I live on the 13th floor)...
So that people...
Stop asking for energy efficient fridge / freezers?
?
Make it seem impossible... So then people settle for less / give up. Make eating healthy seem like something impossible... So then people settle for less / give up. Make exercising appropriately seem like something impossible... So then people settle for less / give up. Making being environmentally conscious seem like something impossible... So then people settle for less / give up.
Best
Marketing
EverAnd keep the people too dumb to see it for what it is...
Or...
Think that if people are that dumb... Then really... What hope is there for them / they deserve what they get.
It really is a hard one.
I think the Tv.. The tv that watches (and probably listens) to me... I think that TV... Might just need for the mains power to be switched off / the plug to come out. It really might be as simple as that.
If the people won't turn off / shut down their appliances... Maybe the people deserve what they get.
?
P.S., is it normal for the red standby light to take a good 10 seconds to turn off after the plug comes out of the wall? Or would that suggest an alternative power source??????
Posted by alexandra_k on May 4, 2015, at 20:31:57
In reply to Re: community vs big bang, posted by alexandra_k on May 2, 2015, at 0:25:53
There is this book I read... Years ago now... Back in the days when I used to practically inhale them... It was a novel... A suspense / thriller kind of thing. I have only a dim (probably distorted memory).
Something something about the Medici family. Something something about them giving their servants small doses of mercury... Not enough to kill them, enough so their bodies adapted to the mercury... Then over the years they had more and more of it in their system... Then if they ever left the Medici family... They would die of the sudden withdrawal of mercury from their system.
Or maybe it wasn't mercury... Maybe it was something else...
But anyway... That was the origin / start of pharma. Or something.
And all of that might have just been some kind of vignette in the very beginning.
And then forwards to more present day... There was this girl who was studying someplace. Something chemistry... Anyway... Getting near the end of her time there... So she applies to work at this mega pharmaceutical corporation whatever whatever... And she gets invited to their recruitment weekend. And they fly her out and put her up in this hotel.
And then she sits their exam-y thing. And she's a chemistry genius, obviously, but there is this one question that she simply can't get... And something happens... And she sees what this other person put down. And (thoroughly unlike her) she copies that down, since she didn't have a better idea.
And she gets this job offer. And she starts to work at the corporation. But things go kinda sorta pear shaped. She doesn't seem to fit in...
And I don't remember much of anything else of it...
Except that it turned out that there was meant to be some subliminal message thing that was playing in her hotel room prior to the test. And that question (that she cheated on) was the question that told them whether the potential employee would be susceptible to their 'training'.
And of course she wasn't. And she did not fit.
_____
This year is starting to feel a bit like that. They getting a lot of social policy down us / out of us / into us. Something... Something... I thought the UMAT was bad, but this seems to have gone into over-drive. Maybe I've gotten older / more cynical / something something... Maybe multi-guess always was this way... I don't know...
I do wonder a bit if I'm sufficiently immune... For that to be a bad thing.
____
I suppose I wonder most whether this is just me doing the stabotage thing... Focus on what's important alex. focus on the things you can do...
This... Not precisely paranoia... But this... This is a new thing for me. I don't think I got an edge of this before. I think maybe that is what happens when you go from something delightfully (one way of looking at it) removed from anything of any actual consequence to something that matter so much to so very many people that it's scary as hell... Truth be told.
This whole dual thing... Homo sapiens... On the one hand... persons. on the other hand.... pests. on the one hand save them... on the other hand how the hell do we limit the blight to the world? holy crap...
Posted by SLS on May 5, 2015, at 21:41:33
In reply to Re: not doing so well » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2015, at 21:53:11
> > I enjoyed reading your post here. You've learned quite a bit.
> >
> > Keep going.> Thank you. That means a lot to me :-)
>
> How is life treating you these days?Not too bad, thanks. My depression is beginning to improve with the addition of Saphris (asenapine) to my treatment regime. If this continues, I would like to return to work within a year. Meanwhile, I am enjoying every moment of relief. I'm about 50% improved, which is significant. I remember what it was like to feel 100%. However, I can live happily with less.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2015, at 20:24:14
In reply to Re: not doing so well » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on May 5, 2015, at 21:41:33
good to hear things have been going better for you. hope things get better, still...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 17:18:19
In reply to Re: not doing so well » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2015, at 20:24:14
our government seems determined to waste the money they are getting out of our asset sales. ANZAC day... the day we celebrate the soldiers who gave their lives for us in WWI. 100th centenary this year. They have been glorifying war for months in the build-up on the news etc.
Not so very many days after that the government decides it simply must spent millions on a referendum about whether we want to change the flag or not. Because they want us to stay part of the commonwealth, of course, and we've just contracted out a whole detention facility, ahem, I mean rehabilitation facility to the British (I mean, since they are doing such a great job of running their own prisons / rehabilitating their own prisoners).
Apparently enrolments really are up, this year. They increased the number of places to the supposedly 'elite' program. You know, the bio-medical science one they let me enroll in, without any science background at all. Apparently we have more smart kids, too, since the national level scores are doing better than last year... But of course there isn't any national level exams or other school-independent objective assessment...
I've heard a few people 'how luck you all are to be here'. And that seems to be the thing. 'Oh, you only went for a few months before you dropped out to support your 16 year old girlfriend and her new baby - how lucky you were to go there at all'. 'Oh, you didn't get in to any of the professional practice healthcare programs because you couldn't pass chemistry. So you ended up dropping out to go to technical college. Oh, well. You were lucky to get to go there at all'.
I guess they are thinking exposure might help the next generation? Help this generation have some idea of why they failed (not enough was invested in them) so they invest a little more in the next lot? I don't know what to say...
But hungry 17 and 18 year olds are fidgety and squealy. YOu need to ask them to be quiet, and even then. If they could not interrupt other people learning then I don't suppose it would make a difference. But it does interrupt other people learning. I'm disabled in that environment.
I'm getting pretty sick and tired of hearing people play the majority minority card. The government threw a bunch of money into Maaori health and... The money vanished the way the money vanishes when people spend it on themselves and don't do anything to help the people it was supposed to be for. There is some inquiry at the moment about where the money went...
The thing is... When people go on about how white people came and stole their lands and they signed a document they didn't really know what it said - thought it was an attendance register or whatever then later hear they are signing away their rights... You feel bad for them. That isn't far. They don't really have the same opportunities. We should help them. Make it right as much as it is possible to do such things.
But then you give them a bunch of money or give them a tract of land or whatever... To help repair... And the leaders within their communities use that stuff to help themselves and they proceed to screw over their people the same way they were complaining about how their people got screwed over so long ago.
They are a bunch of f*ck*ng hypocrits, in other words. They don't seem to have any genuine compassion or ability to help their own (lack of funds isn't the problem) and complaining about how we don't have any genuine compassion or ability to help them... Well...
I feel bad abotu this... But the answer seems to be to give them whatever it is that they think they want. They want a doctor. Okay... Let them think they have a doctor. What do they think a doctor is - really? Someone who attends to the chief on demand? Attends his beck and call because that is a sign of respect? Thats the sort of kind of idea, isn't it. Well okay... Here... This one... We call that one 'doctor' and he's yours.
That's how come you have a bunch of people running around the healthcare system obscuring their badges and acting like doctors... I don't suppose any of them would lie if you directly asked them... Can talk about 'screening' people (anyone can 'screen' people). Make the people think they are getting healthcare. 'I'm sorry theres nothing more we can do. We did everything we could'. Genuinely... How competent do you think people are going to be when standards need to be lowered so far in order to get people into these positions in the first place...
It's just... A crock.
You can tell the health of a university (perhaps) by how they treat their artists. They have moved the philosophers into the basement. The intellectually curious, love of learning, founders of the academy... The spirit of inquiry, the critical thinkers, those removed from industry those whose questions led to the development of mathematics and science... They have moved them into the basement. So they can fit teams of 'support workers' into more prominent offices.
The academy is well and truly dead. Universities are profit centres, now. So are health systems, who are we kidding. There are people within... But they are getting on, now... And the system is doing whatever it can to grind them down for making everybody else look bad.
It's a pretty horrible world. I see why people are patrons of the arts and how important artists are for our humanity and for keeping alive our sense of wonder and creativity and delight and fun. When those people aren't happy... The world is a very sick place indeed.
I have to write this stupid f*ck*ng report thing for people who are too stupid to read academic articles. They are too f*ck*ng stupid to write a clear statement of what we are supposed to do and let us get on in doing it. Micromanagement... replacing typo with typo and confused instruction with confused instruction. I f*ck*ng hate it.
There is no critical thinking... There was this thing about how the natives didn't seem capable of thinking critically. But then something about how that was a socio-cultural bias. They were asked to do modus tollens on something they had never seen or heard of. Apparently it was against their cultural belief to speculate on things neither seen nor heard so it was more that they were opting out. Mmm hmm. I don't buy it anymore.
What the chief says goes because they are the chief. Similarly... That's the deal with a doctor. It makes the population... Extremely manipulable. Put an actor in a white coat and tell them what to do... They would exterminate their own, oh yes most of them would. Why? Becuase they are people, just like everyone else. And most people are f*ck*ng horrible psychopaths, oh yes, they are. Only around 1/2 a class of ethicists think that one should be moral for no other reason than that it is the right thing to do... The other half think it is solely about how you appear in the eyes of others / making it more likely others will treat you better. Only 1/2 of a class of people who voluntarily enroll in a class on ethics have a sense of morality. Think about all thos epeople who aren't intereted enough to enroll in a class... The majority of people in the world don't have a sense of morality. Only in looking out for themselves to the detriment of others (when they can get away with it).
I do dthink I would be a lot happier if I could get awy from people such as these.
"you are on earth. there's no cure for that'.
beckett. endgame. take that 'wrong planet'. you think the guy is horrible because when someone came to him and asked him for light (and he had light) he didn't give it. So the person died of lack of light. But he points out that the person had light before and cried and cried for dark. Then it got dark and they kept on crying.
Or the peasant who came and cried for food. For self. He offered him employment. He asked for his infant son to come with. He said no. Mean man. He pointed out that the infant knows nothing but suffering. He wanted the infant to stay alive so the infant would go on to look after him.
an infant cries at night... keeps the guy awake. the guy tries to console the infant but he can't. he can't do anything to help it. but the infant won't stop. so he had to move out of earreach...
beckett is... i got into that round the time i first got sick. i thought i might have a handle on how to... see things helpfully now...
but your on earth. there's no cure fro that.
i can't function in your environment. that's how come our skilled graduates leave. it really isn't about the money. it is about people going on and on and on and on and on about how it IS about the money. the ones who stay... they are all about how people leave because they get more money overseas. that's not it. not really. most people really genuinely do want to stay and help things be better here. when people are young they have itchy feet and want to see something of the world for sure. but when people are older moving is a f*ck*ng hassle and an expense and so really why would you? what the hell would motivate you to move if things were basically okay where you were?
the problem is that the people who ARE here seem determined to grind them down. seem not content until everyone is precisely equal and everybody has nothing. only that isn't it. it is more about grinding other people down so they are above them in their imaginary f*ck*ng hierarchy. power is... something to be squandered. there simply isn't a sense in giving power to the people who are competent to make things better for everyone. there is just this selfishness... hurting in the name of 'helping'.
it is the problem the world over, i suppose.
i suppose we are in a relatively unique position... being the least developed of the developed nations or the most developed of the developing nations... however you want to view that. and a relatively small nation... the 'improvements' in the economy... seem to make the division of wealth more divided, though.
cars come in... food goes out. kids here go hungry. i guess we (in the city) are so close to the port that if you get the food this far you may as well ship it out. and we get cheap candy bars etc etc that get shipped in... too much of a pain to trek them about the country... give them to the young people in the city... their bodies can handle it for a few years before they get to go on to other places... where's the harm?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 17:58:21
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 17:18:19
i'm not happy. it is partly this stupid f*ck*ng essay. i got into trouble for 'editorialising' in the last one. failed the assignment. very badly. even when i clearly put work and effort into it. thought. proper references. engaged with them (actually did the readings).
we are supposed to string together bits that we find and state them as fact. they are encouraging us to make use of 'grey literature' they call it. websites. so you have a bunch of APA-style 'Ministry of Health (n.d.). Because there isn't a date on the website. This is how we teach first year university students to write an essay... Write an essay on jobs like 'public health nutritionist' etc because the point is to get our drop-outs thinking about what they are going to do. To inspire them with all these things that you don't need qualifications for. Oh.. We didn't get a doctor. But we got a nutritionist (not restricted term over here). To tell us that we should ship all our fruit and veges and meat overseas so we have money for internet and cars (so our level of deprivation goes down).
YEAH.
I really just can't... In good conscience.
Chemistry is hard... I need to put more time into it... More time working the problems. I just get this horrible sinking feeling with it. LIke maths... LIke physics became.. This sort of hopelessness that I can't do it. I'm bad at it. I don't have a sense in whether I've done it righ tor not because I have this succession of stupid little mistakes because there isn't time for htins to be properly consolidated...
Because my mind makes up its own fun. Quite well. So things other people find boring I can enjoy because I start to play with them... I feel like chemistry needs to go slower and I can enjoy playing with things. Wondering what difference it makes / whether it makes a difference for things to be like this... And having time to mess about with it and see... But instead I have lists of reactions and reagents and need to practice writing out mechanisms... And I don't at all trust my ability to identify the relevant features of anything. Ever.
And biology is a bunch of content... And it is fine, I suppose. But biology people are yippy and fidgety. And lecturers are... Tired. Tired of such big classes. That they can't interact with, or repond to or play with anymore... Far too many of us...
And it destroys my soul kinda.
Anyway... Thinking about med... What it will be like... I get that there will be a little core of the school leavers. Who are the most mature / pleasant of the well-prepared. And there will be a bunch of grads... Who will be fairly determined... After busting their assess for several years... And then there will be the super-grads... Who stick out a bit, they reckon. And are a bit random... Like me. And teh diversity groups... Some murmerings about how there is a distinct division in some universities... Increasingly... Those marked fro the rural community shortage.... even.. Not really making / requiring people to do dissection anymore... Etc... I'm a bit scared that even if I get in things wont' be much better...
I can apply under targetted admission on disability grounds. Looks like I will need to. They put me in the general pool and basically flag me if I don't get a place and then they see if they can TAS me a place. That's the idea. So my place will be marked... And I'll know whether I'm part of general admission or TAS. but of course they would be crazy not to TAS mark people who are eligable under TAS because it gives people a sense of duty or obligation to their TAS category and the better the people we can get with allegance to that the better for the TAS category. And I feel a bit squeemish... Because I dotn know that i'm particularly good with people with disabilities. I mean... They are so diverse and stuff. Even people with autism. I don't know how I would relate to a kid who was more typically autistic. non-verbal, i mean. I don't know. Anyway... Whatever...
I just hate these f*ck*ng management papers... That aren't even management papers. It isn't the topic / subject matter, honestly. It is more about who the f*ck put these idiots in charge of the university / in charge of teaching / in charge. Kudos to them and their people, I get it. I just don't see how they cant' get / see that the majority of the people in the class who are actually going to get to go on to do med etc... Are gritting their teeth for now... And will be great at the whole 'we did everything we could' later... Will be learning how to fudge things over and waste peoples time (in ways that people will think they are doing their best even when they are doing their best to be obstructive)... Are basically thinking 'I don't entirely know why it isn't best practice not to just exterminate the lot of them'. Only.. It kinda sorta seems as though... It kinda sorta is...
At least they believed they had a chance. Even when they didn't. Was it really better for them to see>
I guess... I forget... When did I do beckett? First year at uni. When I was 18. Education is wasted on the young... It isn't about what it does for you then it is about what it does for you later. When you look back...
I feel bad for the kids now who are fueled on free pizza... Who have long commutes... But they are learning... They are learning that the kids who are doing best / are happiest / are the kids who are in the halls of residence. getting 3+ meals a day. Not even needing to do their own dishes. Proper academic support (rathe rthan only social support). These things... I don't know that they are sinking in now... But I think they are things they will realise with time.
Overheard conversations about how many are getting a hard time because their parents think they should be working already, starting families already etc. It is exposing them to antoher way of life.
I just worry that people focus on the wrong things. Focus on money. Rather than the food that they could grow for themselves...
Only... That red hen thing about who will help... Only... At the other end you have this thing, too, about how bullies will simply take. Or... *ssh*l*s will destroy the crop just because they can because they simply won't be happy until everyone has precisely nothing just like them.
It is hard. But you need to get sufficiently away in order to be in the position to help.
I do wonder if Autistic Spectrum... As a 'disability'. As a 'disorder'... Might be used to help. The university. Maaori communities, too. The kids are jostled about something chronic... The noise... It is the panicked quality in the kids playing that makes it ... Attention capturing / traumatic to listen to. As they struggle themselves up / the bullies bully because they aren't taught to have compassion / curiosity / kindness... The mothers frantically clutching at their babies seeking for their babies to comfort them... The screaming... The winding them up up up up up up up so they collapse with exhaustion and everyone can get a little peace.
I wonder if you can pick the sensitive ones out when they are little... I wonder... I wonder... I think sensitivity is there... More so in the ones who make it to uni, for sure...
I don't know... Just talking... Tryign to talk myself into a better frame of mind. How am I going to write about how to be public health nutritinist when I'm so pissed off about how public health in this country is all about suiting international corporations (e.g., drink diet soda!) and making people feel bad for the only choices they can afford... and miseducating people (e.g., people won't eat an apple instead of a chocolate bar - they'd be hungry. they don't teach them that a chocolate bar = how many apples?????'
The ministry of health is all about 'do this do that do the next thing' and they just talk out of their *ss. I'm not allowed to use critical thinking - because the things I'm supposed to cite don't use critical thinking, either. The government whose job it is to look after its people has f*ck*ng sold out so that a select few get to take planes and drive limos about the place and enjoy all the very best thingst hat this country has to offer while feeding the people all the sh*t and crap taht the rest of the world don't want no more.
i will not be a cog in that particular machine.
does this bode badly for my ability to play ball in the health system?
i think i could manage to stand in the f*ck*ng corner for hours at a time and the OR people would see that i am able to manage myself such that I can let them get on with their f*ck*ng job instead of their having to focus on me. I think I could be good at that. Really good at that. Enjoy that.
But it probably isn't even that, anymore. I don't know that the docs get to pick their teams anymore. All you need is f*ck*ng chatty catthy scrub nurse who gets snitty about the tone with which someone asked her for something... or who felt butt hurt that she thought that holding the tray was the sort of thing more fitting for a cleaner and she deserves to be so very much higher up the hierarchy than that...
anyway... whatever... anatomy... properly... for reals...
lets hope disability can magic me something when it seems to my impressing upon others that i'm suitably humble in the face of their authority to screw over their own people out of their own ignorance / stupidity.
it is sad. and i feel angry / hurt with myself that i can't see things better... where everyone can retain their dignaty. thing is... A C+ is a slap on teh f*ck*ng wrist... but a grade in the 30's? That's taking things too far. Broke me. Yes it did. I... Can't. In an autistic kinda way. Yeah. And it is kinda ironic that the game I'm not playing is the one that is f*ck*ng your people over. You know, the people you supposedly care so very much about. Because it is all about them... Mmmm hmmm...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 18:17:48
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 17:58:21
people aren't taught how to learn.
respect... you can call it 'cultural difference' as much as you like - and it is a big f*ck*ng cop out because your own elders would physically abuse you (pull your ear or kick your behind) if you gave them disrespect like that.
people won't turn off their mouths and open their ears. they will yell out to the lecturers to 'speak up' or to turn the magnification up on the overhead displays.
while they sit at the back. while they refuse to take the seats at the front where they can see and hear.
or... (worse) when they are taught that it is a hierarchy thing about the front. that racing forwards and taking the front row is a 'winner' thing to do. then one person gets sent in early and is supposed to save seats (intimidate other people out of sitting in those seats) while the rest of the people may or may not actually even turn up.
when people fidget the lecturer is supposed to respond to them by showing them a youtube video or something like that.
and the evaluations are all about 'yeah, i liked that one, i thought they were cool'.
and so... here's your worthless piece of degree paper... be on your merry way.
or... you could enroll in a degree on, oh, say, 'public health' and we'll make sure we reward what it is that we value. a little elite group of our own who gets in the name of past injustice... who gets to feel at the top of a hierarchy of our own people... in the name of fairness...
i don't know that that is the self-consciousness... the self-awareness... i htink a number really are genuinely well intentioned. but lack of education and perhaps... cognitive development... from years of sh*t food... yeah... probably poisoned water supply in local community... whatever batch of immunisation they decided to feed y'all...
the world is a pretty terrifying place...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 10, 2015, at 19:38:26
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 18:17:48
what we need is a monument.
my supervisor said something about how when he saw the pyramids he wept for the waste of human potential.
i thought he meant that he wept because they could have done such better things than building the pyramids...
but now i think he means that he wept because we couldn't organise our people to build the f*ck*ng pyramids if we contracted out to any other f*ck*ng country in the whole f*ck*ng world.
i watched this documentary the other night where people are complaining that the students are wrecking dunedin. things are progressively getting worse every year. street parties until 2 or 3am. people having to cancel work obligations because they are unable to sleep because of the students.
and you have the real student ghettos. thh drinking age at 18. students... 17 a lot of them. beer... cheaper than bottled water.
and the mayor won't impose a street liquor ban... he thinks it is the governments job to impose legislation...
he says the town depends on the students for their economy. but it is hard... because the students are all borrowing money from the government for their student fees. how do they get to party? guess they are forced to pass them all to take their money again next year... professors just want to get 'he's cool' on ratemyprofessor.com... we don't have competent staff to look after our own... but we're happily taking in as mnay international students who are prepared to pay for the cheapest education in the developed world...
and the government is too busy with the whole flag referendum thing.
___
in law... i argued something about how we seemed to need a crisis to motivate the people towards some kind of significant change. so we stop rolling over and letting foreign investors and a few elite people in this country screw the rest of us over. i feel like... that sort of is what is happening. but who knows how many years it will take until enough momentum is reached for things to actually change.
and in the meantime...
i'm not doing so well. in the things that are supposed to be easy for everyone but are impossible for me... in that kind of a way... the 'easy pass' 'fun' paper screws everything up. of course it does.
the people who could help can't function in this country. so instead y'all got stuck with the people who are stupid and or evil enough to look you straight in the eyes and convince you 'we did everything for you that we could'.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 11, 2015, at 0:20:42
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 10, 2015, at 19:38:26
so the NZD approaches the AUD... And we know how the AUD has been doing - right?
Technically... IN the Australian constitution... NZ is a state of Australia.
NZ is all fierce about it's own independence... On a number of grounds... Typically most-est because of the Treaty of Waitangi. Because Australia basically doesn't give a sh*t about indigenous people insofar as they won't assimilate...
There is this whole thing about 'stolen generations' in Australia. Basically... The white settlers had babies with aboriginal people and some of those babies could pass for white... And so they did drive-bys and took the ones who they thought they could raise in orphanages as white... Thinking it would be giving them a better life...
And now there are entry categories to help the ones who could pass as white to a 'better life'.
NZ basically is a state of Australia... Except that NZ international policy is so liberal that the Aussies had to put severe restrictions on immigration from NZ. So now NZ born citizens get nothing really from Australia, because we have decided to be so liberal about our own immigration. NZ is no longer the gateway to the developed world because the developed world has responded to us by (rightly) seeing us as... Potentially harboring significant threats.
(Hence british detension facilities).
Anyway... Back to chemistry, ho..
Posted by alexandra_k on May 11, 2015, at 0:24:08
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 17:18:19
anyway... point being...
northern territory is a problem for austraila. requireing 'special solutions' re medical intake. ya gotta be a little bit special to desire / to be effective in working in communities who got severely f*ck*d over by alcohol and / or glue and / or whatever other sh*t that should have rightly exterminated them (but just led to significant brain damage) years ago...
and nz is kinda sorta kinda a problem, too...
so... special categories for us all. yay.
and i'm supposed to function?
and how is my math?
and what does anybody expect?
and i don't f*ck*ng know anymore.
Posted by SLS on May 15, 2015, at 16:16:21
In reply to Re: not doing so well » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2015, at 20:24:14
> good to hear things have been going better for you. hope things get better, still...
After two weeks of feeling better, Saphris turned foul on me. It increased the severity of my depression. Most prominent were dysphoria and suicidal ideation. Just to be sure, I discontinued it for a few days and then rechallenged. Unfortunately, the same thing happened again. I hope high-dose memantine works magic. I feel that this is my last option.
Damn.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on May 16, 2015, at 4:10:17
In reply to Re: not doing so well » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on May 15, 2015, at 16:16:21
ah. sorry to hear that.
it is pretty sucky how things feel like they've really turned a corner, sometimes, and then it feels like you end up taking however many steps back...
i've been a bit up and down... chemistry has turned all incomprehensible. some combo of reactions / reaction schemes that i simply don't follow... seem to go straight in one ear and out the other... and maths that does the same. Just need to keep on keeping on, though... Persistence... Need to remember things got a bit incomprehensible with it last year, too, but I managed to scrape through things okay in the end. I just need to have faith that the same will be the case for this year...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2015, at 0:38:56
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 16, 2015, at 4:10:17
the internet did get wrecked. it became too popular and now it's worthless...
i read this thing about how pharma companies etc have discovered that it is valuable to survey doctors (for example) and ask them who they think the trusted figures are, in their field. then they know to target their advertising or whatever to those trusted figures. if they can get those trusted figures onside (giving talks or whatever) then they can get all those who trust them onside...
the whole thing has been hijacked. google, too. people pay for rankings, or whatever. or those stupid little pop ups or whatever... those links that are 'accidentally' triggered... the whole thing is just... crap. basically.
i wonder if pharma reps etc posted here during the height of the sites popularity? I bet they did... what are you going to do about it? indeed...
on the one hand an argument for complete lack of privacy. and that is basically the way things have gone. no privacy at all... no opting out, either. being forced out is something that can be done as punishment. by governments, or whomever.
i suppose one might be able to control things, still, if one knew how. studied computer science for a while or... whatever...
not entirely sure what i'm saying... the internet... what once was... has gone away. they wrecked it. oh yes they did. the masses... inevitable, i suppose. what always happens... i feel sad.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2015, at 0:50:19
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 17, 2015, at 0:38:56
i have to do this assignment... and it sucks. it isn't an essay apparently (they failed me last time because 'they didn't want a traditional essay' apparently). so... what do they want? people who do as they say, because they say. because they know what's best - right? because they are trying to train us to graduate study and beyond - right? because they have a better eye to the journals than we do and they are training us to be able to write for journals - right? no to all of the above... it just comes back to... because they say...
things don't make sense. they'll chastise us to 'make sure you grasp the distinction between equity and equality' (for example) but then they will go on in their explanation making it oh so clear that they do not grasp the distinction. saying thinks like 'inequalities are unjust' or 'inequalities are fixable'. mmm hmm. inequities were defined before as UNFAIR inequalities but 1+1 does not equal 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 7... None of that is unust. None of that is easily fixable. But 'easily fixable' and 'unjust' I'm supposed to remember for the multi-guess quiz... Unless it doesn't suit you in which case that is the wrong answer. I throw your teaching up the stairs... It doesn't make any sense.
And yet some people do well in the assessment, apparently. The same people who do well in other assessments that are similar? I don't know... Perhaps. Perhaps there is some magic with respect to past questions.... Or perhaps there is some calibration with respect to what the people say and last secondary school attended... I don't know... I just know... Lalalalalalallalalalalalla I can't hear you and I don't want to... Not when you are talking such crap. Honestly...
And my inability to suck it up could be problematic.
We will see, I suppose.
It is back to the tech mentality... Instead of people accepting that the role of their class is a load lightener... Instead of thinking that the aim is to delight and entertain and educate and inspire... Instead of all of that... They think the aim is for them to 'teach people a lesson' or whatever. So... They don't even notice the people who are so very good at nodding and smiling (who would happily exterminate them if they got the chance - full frontal smiles)... Those people are prized over the people who are like 'how can you read that with a straight face? You can see that the author of that article is taking the piss - right?' Only... They can't...
I am so sick of this... I think this is a large part of why people were surprised about the starting over thing. I guess I'd forgotten how... How many fairly crap people are stuck there in early ranks. Making it up means not having those people standing over you any more. These people think they know better than me how to read an academic article and how to write an academic essay (or think that whatever it is that they have set us is more valuable/ worthwhile than an academic essay such that anything that approximates an academic essay, that might actually eb a contrtribution to the field must be swiftly stomped on / failed. Because... That is what we do in academia. Clearly. When you have a non-academic bogus field.
Sigh.
Blech.
Posted by Lou Pilder on May 18, 2015, at 9:00:48
In reply to Re: not doing so well » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on May 15, 2015, at 16:16:21
> > good to hear things have been going better for you. hope things get better, still...
>
> After two weeks of feeling better, Saphris turned foul on me. It increased the severity of my depression. Most prominent were dysphoria and suicidal ideation. Just to be sure, I discontinued it for a few days and then rechallenged. Unfortunately, the same thing happened again. I hope high-dose memantine works magic. I feel that this is my last option.
>
> Damn.
>
>
> - ScottScott,
You wrote,[...,Saphris turned foul on me...Most prominent were dysphoria and suicidal ideation (increased the severity of depression)...I feel that this is my last option (taking memantine)...].
I am unsure as to what you are wanting to mean here. If you could post answers to the following, then I could respond accordingly.
True or False:
A. If memantine does not take me out of my depression, Lou, then I will kill myself.
B. If memantine does not work for me, Lou, then I will re read all of your posts here and convert to the foundation of Judaism as revealed to you, Lou.
C. I realize now, Lou, that I have been advocating drugs here that could lead to death
D. I realize now, Lou, that psychiatry has led me to the end of a road that leads to death.
E. I realize now, Lou, that the chemical imbalance theory of psychiatry is false and misleading and could lead readers here to their deaths.
F. I realize now, Lou, that you have been correct all along and that you could save lives, prevent life-ruining conditions and addictions if there were not the prohibitions posted here to you from Mr. Hsiung.
G. I realize now, Lou, that posting what could lead readers to think of you in hostile and disagreeable ways and decrease the respect, regard and confidence in which you are held, and be allowed here to be seen as civil and supportive, could result in the deaths of others and cause Jews in other communities to become victims of anti-Semitic violence.
H. redacted by respondent
Lou
Posted by SLS on May 18, 2015, at 10:32:28
In reply to Lou's request- » SLS, posted by Lou Pilder on May 18, 2015, at 9:00:48
It is no secret that responses to psychotropic and other types of drugs are unpredictable and can produce negative effects on mental function. It is good practice for a psychiatrist to see a patient once a week in the beginning of treatment to screen for adverse effects, suicidal ideation being one of them.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000526/msgs/35096.html
For me, the potential gain is worth the risk. I thank God for psychiatric drug treatments. According to what I have read, the statistical rate of suicides during antidepressant treatment is much, much lower than that attributable to negative iatrogenic reactions.
Prednisone, clonidine, alpha interferons, varenicline, and progesterone are just some of the well known non-psychiatric drugs to produce negative effects on mood and cognition.
- Scott
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