Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 17:58:21
In reply to Re: not doing so well, posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2015, at 17:18:19
i'm not happy. it is partly this stupid f*ck*ng essay. i got into trouble for 'editorialising' in the last one. failed the assignment. very badly. even when i clearly put work and effort into it. thought. proper references. engaged with them (actually did the readings).
we are supposed to string together bits that we find and state them as fact. they are encouraging us to make use of 'grey literature' they call it. websites. so you have a bunch of APA-style 'Ministry of Health (n.d.). Because there isn't a date on the website. This is how we teach first year university students to write an essay... Write an essay on jobs like 'public health nutritionist' etc because the point is to get our drop-outs thinking about what they are going to do. To inspire them with all these things that you don't need qualifications for. Oh.. We didn't get a doctor. But we got a nutritionist (not restricted term over here). To tell us that we should ship all our fruit and veges and meat overseas so we have money for internet and cars (so our level of deprivation goes down).
YEAH.
I really just can't... In good conscience.
Chemistry is hard... I need to put more time into it... More time working the problems. I just get this horrible sinking feeling with it. LIke maths... LIke physics became.. This sort of hopelessness that I can't do it. I'm bad at it. I don't have a sense in whether I've done it righ tor not because I have this succession of stupid little mistakes because there isn't time for htins to be properly consolidated...
Because my mind makes up its own fun. Quite well. So things other people find boring I can enjoy because I start to play with them... I feel like chemistry needs to go slower and I can enjoy playing with things. Wondering what difference it makes / whether it makes a difference for things to be like this... And having time to mess about with it and see... But instead I have lists of reactions and reagents and need to practice writing out mechanisms... And I don't at all trust my ability to identify the relevant features of anything. Ever.
And biology is a bunch of content... And it is fine, I suppose. But biology people are yippy and fidgety. And lecturers are... Tired. Tired of such big classes. That they can't interact with, or repond to or play with anymore... Far too many of us...
And it destroys my soul kinda.
Anyway... Thinking about med... What it will be like... I get that there will be a little core of the school leavers. Who are the most mature / pleasant of the well-prepared. And there will be a bunch of grads... Who will be fairly determined... After busting their assess for several years... And then there will be the super-grads... Who stick out a bit, they reckon. And are a bit random... Like me. And teh diversity groups... Some murmerings about how there is a distinct division in some universities... Increasingly... Those marked fro the rural community shortage.... even.. Not really making / requiring people to do dissection anymore... Etc... I'm a bit scared that even if I get in things wont' be much better...
I can apply under targetted admission on disability grounds. Looks like I will need to. They put me in the general pool and basically flag me if I don't get a place and then they see if they can TAS me a place. That's the idea. So my place will be marked... And I'll know whether I'm part of general admission or TAS. but of course they would be crazy not to TAS mark people who are eligable under TAS because it gives people a sense of duty or obligation to their TAS category and the better the people we can get with allegance to that the better for the TAS category. And I feel a bit squeemish... Because I dotn know that i'm particularly good with people with disabilities. I mean... They are so diverse and stuff. Even people with autism. I don't know how I would relate to a kid who was more typically autistic. non-verbal, i mean. I don't know. Anyway... Whatever...
I just hate these f*ck*ng management papers... That aren't even management papers. It isn't the topic / subject matter, honestly. It is more about who the f*ck put these idiots in charge of the university / in charge of teaching / in charge. Kudos to them and their people, I get it. I just don't see how they cant' get / see that the majority of the people in the class who are actually going to get to go on to do med etc... Are gritting their teeth for now... And will be great at the whole 'we did everything we could' later... Will be learning how to fudge things over and waste peoples time (in ways that people will think they are doing their best even when they are doing their best to be obstructive)... Are basically thinking 'I don't entirely know why it isn't best practice not to just exterminate the lot of them'. Only.. It kinda sorta seems as though... It kinda sorta is...
At least they believed they had a chance. Even when they didn't. Was it really better for them to see>
I guess... I forget... When did I do beckett? First year at uni. When I was 18. Education is wasted on the young... It isn't about what it does for you then it is about what it does for you later. When you look back...
I feel bad for the kids now who are fueled on free pizza... Who have long commutes... But they are learning... They are learning that the kids who are doing best / are happiest / are the kids who are in the halls of residence. getting 3+ meals a day. Not even needing to do their own dishes. Proper academic support (rathe rthan only social support). These things... I don't know that they are sinking in now... But I think they are things they will realise with time.
Overheard conversations about how many are getting a hard time because their parents think they should be working already, starting families already etc. It is exposing them to antoher way of life.
I just worry that people focus on the wrong things. Focus on money. Rather than the food that they could grow for themselves...
Only... That red hen thing about who will help... Only... At the other end you have this thing, too, about how bullies will simply take. Or... *ssh*l*s will destroy the crop just because they can because they simply won't be happy until everyone has precisely nothing just like them.
It is hard. But you need to get sufficiently away in order to be in the position to help.
I do wonder if Autistic Spectrum... As a 'disability'. As a 'disorder'... Might be used to help. The university. Maaori communities, too. The kids are jostled about something chronic... The noise... It is the panicked quality in the kids playing that makes it ... Attention capturing / traumatic to listen to. As they struggle themselves up / the bullies bully because they aren't taught to have compassion / curiosity / kindness... The mothers frantically clutching at their babies seeking for their babies to comfort them... The screaming... The winding them up up up up up up up so they collapse with exhaustion and everyone can get a little peace.
I wonder if you can pick the sensitive ones out when they are little... I wonder... I wonder... I think sensitivity is there... More so in the ones who make it to uni, for sure...
I don't know... Just talking... Tryign to talk myself into a better frame of mind. How am I going to write about how to be public health nutritinist when I'm so pissed off about how public health in this country is all about suiting international corporations (e.g., drink diet soda!) and making people feel bad for the only choices they can afford... and miseducating people (e.g., people won't eat an apple instead of a chocolate bar - they'd be hungry. they don't teach them that a chocolate bar = how many apples?????'
The ministry of health is all about 'do this do that do the next thing' and they just talk out of their *ss. I'm not allowed to use critical thinking - because the things I'm supposed to cite don't use critical thinking, either. The government whose job it is to look after its people has f*ck*ng sold out so that a select few get to take planes and drive limos about the place and enjoy all the very best thingst hat this country has to offer while feeding the people all the sh*t and crap taht the rest of the world don't want no more.
i will not be a cog in that particular machine.
does this bode badly for my ability to play ball in the health system?
i think i could manage to stand in the f*ck*ng corner for hours at a time and the OR people would see that i am able to manage myself such that I can let them get on with their f*ck*ng job instead of their having to focus on me. I think I could be good at that. Really good at that. Enjoy that.
But it probably isn't even that, anymore. I don't know that the docs get to pick their teams anymore. All you need is f*ck*ng chatty catthy scrub nurse who gets snitty about the tone with which someone asked her for something... or who felt butt hurt that she thought that holding the tray was the sort of thing more fitting for a cleaner and she deserves to be so very much higher up the hierarchy than that...
anyway... whatever... anatomy... properly... for reals...
lets hope disability can magic me something when it seems to my impressing upon others that i'm suitably humble in the face of their authority to screw over their own people out of their own ignorance / stupidity.
it is sad. and i feel angry / hurt with myself that i can't see things better... where everyone can retain their dignaty. thing is... A C+ is a slap on teh f*ck*ng wrist... but a grade in the 30's? That's taking things too far. Broke me. Yes it did. I... Can't. In an autistic kinda way. Yeah. And it is kinda ironic that the game I'm not playing is the one that is f*ck*ng your people over. You know, the people you supposedly care so very much about. Because it is all about them... Mmmm hmmm...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1078452
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20150214/msgs/1078822.html