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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 12:18:50
In reply to I'm pushing friends away :-(, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 0:10:31
I've realized some things. For a while my excuse for not eating was that my ED voice told me to, but then I realized something, the ED voice IS me. I can control whether or not I listen to my ED voice. I'm not so deep into this that I can't find myself out.
I'm realizing that my obsession is pushing friends away and if I continue along this path, it will only lead to loniness and no life. I'm lucky to have friends who care enough about me to take active steps to not encourage my ED behaviours. I don't want to hurt my friends.
I'm also lucky to have pdoc with me, helping me to learn to live life.
I say I want to be 90 pounds but WHY do I want to be 90 pounds? Will I be any happier? My body has never been 90 pounds in my adult life, there is nothing natural about that weight for me. Pdoc, you're right, I'm not meant to be 90 pounds.
I think sometimes I think that if only I can be model thin, everything will be better. I will be successful and happy. In reality being thin doesn't have anything to do with success in life at all. You're right, I'm just diverting my attention away from the things that really matter to me.
I don't want to head down the ED path. I want to live and be happy and have friends. I don't want to be obssessed with my weight and unhealthy.
I need to stop going down this ED path now, as it will only get harder the further along I go in it.
I need to nourish my body with healthy food. Yesterday I wanted to restrict to 300 kcal again for 3 days, but today I went to career counseling and I thought of something besides food. I thought of my life and my career. I want to build my life. I chose to eat healthy today. I had a rice vermacelli and salmon wrap and a nonfat iced latte. I'm going to really try to eat a minimum of 1200 kcal of healthy foods and exercise a bit everyday.
I think it would be OK for me to lose a bit more weight, but nothing like 25 pounds. I think 100 would be a good weight for me. I can still lose weight healthily and slowly eating 1200 kcal each day.
I'm so lucky to have you on my side pdoc. (((((pdoc)))))
Posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 20:03:25
In reply to For pdoc, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 12:18:50
I ate mostly healthy today, 1374 kcal. I did have some cheesecake. I also went to the Y and did 30 mins on the elliptical.
I feel bad right now, like I overate by a lot. I feel full and I hate it. I'm a bit distressed. I feel like I am gaining a lot of weight right now. I know it is irrational.
I honestly feel like purging a bit, but I won't. I hate this. Why can't I just eat normally now?
Posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 21:36:59
In reply to Trying hard to be OK, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 20:03:25
I'm trying so hard to be OK with eating, but it's not working. I'm so scared right now. What if I can't pull myself out of this?
Help. I'm so scared.
Posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 9:13:15
In reply to I'm really scared :-(, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 21:36:59
Hi Deneb. This whole thread has been making me feel worried and uneasy. I am afraid that those of us who have responded to you out of caring and concern may unwittingly be making things harder for you, because we are paying attention to potentially dangerous behaviors. Our role should ideally be to support you in healthy behaviors, and we are always available for that. But to avoid negative reinforcement, perhaps this topic should be discussed only in your therapy discussions.
Do you think there might be a risky side to your discussing this topic here? Or am I worrying needlessly?
Posted by Glydin50 on October 2, 2010, at 14:14:45
In reply to Re: I'm really scared :-( » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 9:13:15
TL, you are spot on in the way I feel.
Deneb, I care for your wellbeing but will not do anything to enable the unhealthy and it's to the point I feel giving attention to this is counterproductive to support. Your therapist/pdoc or other RL support sources are the ones who should be handling and helping you manage this.
Posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 18:32:45
In reply to I'm really scared :-(, posted by Deneb on September 30, 2010, at 21:36:59
Deneb, I do hope you will comment about our concerns, even if only briefly. Thanks!
Posted by Deneb on October 3, 2010, at 20:04:20
In reply to Re: I'm really scared :-( » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 2, 2010, at 18:32:45
Nevermind, there is nothing to fear. I am a fat *ss and will forever be a fat *ss. I can't stop stuffing my face.
I don't think anyone can really encourage me to develop an ED. No worries.
If I develop binge eating disorder or bulimia or something, it will be because of me, not because someone positively reinforced it.
Posted by twinleaf on October 3, 2010, at 22:06:23
In reply to Nvm, nothing to fear, posted by Deneb on October 3, 2010, at 20:04:20
Thanks for posting, Deneb. I hope you can enjoy these years without undue worries about being either too fat or too thin - just your nice self!
Posted by Deneb on October 5, 2010, at 20:21:09
In reply to Re: Nvm, nothing to fear » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 3, 2010, at 22:06:23
I just found the most awesome noodles: Tofu Shirataki noodles! They are noodles made from a type of yam or something that is mostly fiber. They're really healthy and only 40 kcal for a whole package! They smell kind of nasty when you open up the package, but after rinsing them and boiling them, they just take on whatever flavours you are cooking with or adding to them.
I love them!
Posted by Deneb on October 8, 2010, at 21:37:22
In reply to I found the most awesome noodles!, posted by Deneb on October 5, 2010, at 20:21:09
I tried pan frying the shirataki noodles but it just shrunk them like 50% and made them very chewy. I didn't like it. Then I put way too much oyster sauce on them. I think I ate way too much salt. It was really salty but I ate it anyways because I'm too cheap to throw it out.
I just drank 5 mugs of water and am so bloated now! I think I just gained 10 pounds.
Tomorrow I will make a Mexican dish with shirataki noodles. I hope I like it!
Posted by Deneb on October 10, 2010, at 17:49:42
In reply to Re: I found the most awesome noodles!, posted by Deneb on October 8, 2010, at 21:37:22
I feel like heavily restricting again and I have no one to talk to. I start going to Pro-Ana forums for support. I know it's bad, but I am lonely.
Posted by Deneb on October 17, 2010, at 0:02:14
In reply to I feel lonely, posted by Deneb on October 10, 2010, at 17:49:42
I'm making a lot of progress on the career front. I've applied to some jobs and I've been doing my career counseling homework, but I get so anxious!
Just yesterday my heart raced for so long then I didn't sleep all night. I ended up sleeping all of today. I think I am very out of touch with my thoughts and anxiety. I don't even realize I'm anxious until my heart races and I start hyperventilating. Most of my symptoms seem to be more physical than psychological.
I just feel so fat right now. Pdoc thinks I use control over eaten to lessen my anxiety. Maybe she is right. I've been too afraid to weigh myself, but I think I regained some of my weight back. I feel very much like crash dieting right now. I know I need to focus on my career though, but I'm just so freaking anxious!
Posted by Angela2 on October 17, 2010, at 18:14:35
In reply to I'm so confused and scared, posted by Deneb on October 17, 2010, at 0:02:14
Deneb, have you talked to your pdoc about your symptoms? Or gone to a doctor?
Posted by Deneb on October 20, 2010, at 23:29:20
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared, posted by Angela2 on October 17, 2010, at 18:14:35
Oh yeah, pdoc knows about my anxiety. She thinks I need to expose myself to anxiety provoking situations so I can overcome them.
Posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 5:28:48
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » Angela2, posted by Deneb on October 20, 2010, at 23:29:20
I'm scared about finding a job and getting out in the "real world".
I've been overeating, a lot. I've gained 7 pounds.
I feel like avoiding everything. I kind of wish I could just develop anorexia and just die from it. At least I'd be thin and then I wouldn't have to deal with life. :-(
I'm such a fat pig though. I can't stop eating. I wish I could just stop eating.
I miss the control I had when I was losing weight.
I think I'm going to just try to stop eating, drink coffee and tea all day and just not eat.
I want to be thin so bad!
I'm sorry for posting this.
Posted by twinleaf on October 24, 2010, at 10:13:05
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared, posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 5:28:48
Even though you posted, above, that you wouldn't develop an eating disorder because of the attention given to your posts about weight and eating, you don't know that for sure and we don't either. Could you avoid this topic altogether here, and take it up instead with pdoc.?
In an earlier post, you said that you did not believe in psychodynamic psychotherapy. I don't know what kind of therapy you have been having, but the most effective kind for BPD is a combination of psychodynamic therapy and DBT. Because it's a disorder of interpersonal emotional regulation , the relationship which you develop in therapy is crucial, The same is true of eating disorders; they can be triggered off by a need to at least control ONE thing during times of high stress, and intensive therapy is an important part of getting better. In both of these, medications ideally play a much less important role, with the eventual goal being to take little or none.
Babble has been wonderful for you in a number of ways, but it just isn;t able to take the place of individual therapy.
Posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 17:19:07
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 24, 2010, at 10:13:05
Look, I can't get psychodynamic therapy and DBT even if I wanted to. Pdoc told me there is no DBT here in Ottawa. There used to be one, but they got cancelled because of funding or something. Also I absolutely cannot afford to see a psychologist for psychodynamic therapy right now.
Pdoc is the only person I've got and she can only see me twice a month at the most. I used to see her every week, but then she told me she couldn't see me every week anymore. Sessions are about 30 mins and there is just enough time to tell her what happened during the two weeks. There is no real time to get into the nitty gritty. This is the best help I can get right now.
Online forums are the only place where I can get support. If I can't get it here on Babble, I go to the Pro-Ana sites. This is not a threat, it's just reality.
I find it helpful to write about my thoughts and feelings here on Babble. You can choose not to read them. I'm not going to stop unless what I write has been determined to be uncivil.
I just feel so lonely in this. Just writing my thoughts out so that someone out there on the WWW can see it helps me cope.
Posted by Glydin50 on October 24, 2010, at 20:39:11
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 24, 2010, at 10:13:05
I hear ya... I think the road has run out on trying to help on this. Deneb, I wish you health and stability and I feel that's all left to post on this.
TL .... just as a heads up, I made TWO direct requests to Deneb about another behavior I felt was best (ie; healthier imo) to handle off site of these boards. I received a "Do not pressure" PBC. I don't want that to happen to you.
The road to h#ll CAN be paved w/ good intentions.... ; )
Posted by Glydin50 on October 24, 2010, at 21:15:16
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » twinleaf, posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 17:19:07
I hope I'm hearing you correctly also but just to check.. Do you want a blog area here? Are you interested in input from others or is your need more journaling.
I believe there is some confusion as to what you want- for yourself and from others - when you post.
Posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 21:55:36
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » Deneb, posted by Glydin50 on October 24, 2010, at 21:15:16
My need is more journalling to an audience. This is why starting up my own blog doesn't work, because I know there is hardly anyone reading it. Also I like the safety of the civility guidelines.
Posted by Deneb on October 25, 2010, at 0:11:27
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » Glydin50, posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 21:55:36
I failed again today. I ate 2 slices of pumpkin pie and some rice vermicelli noodle stir fry. Each slice of pie was probably over 500 kcal. I didn't drink any coffee at all. The pumpkin pie was entirely my fault. My Mom pushed the rice vermicelli on me. I feel disgusting.
No one can push any food on me! I don't have to eat anything I don't want to. I must understand that. I can control what goes into my body.
I will do better tomorrow.
I should remember to take my meds, especially the prozac, as it has appetite supressing properties. I don't know about the other meds though. I think they make you eat more, but I am stuck on them for now as I know I will get awful withdrawal if I don't take them.
I can't wait until I am really thin. I want to see a space between my thighs. I want to see my ribs and collar bones. I want to be so thin that a doctor can feel all my organs.
I hate my fat! I'm so disgusting! I can't stand it. I need to stop eating.
Posted by Glydin50 on October 25, 2010, at 5:57:56
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » Glydin50, posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 21:55:36
Thanks for clarifying what your goal is for this thread.
It might be important to note that other posters have voiced they have not a desire to worsen an unhealthy behavior. You have vetoed the idea that is possible. I have seen it time and time, that other's goals are to help via suggestions to move another towards healthy behaviors. When the goals of the poster are opposite, you may lose the audience that is part of your goal. That's just how it goes...
Posted by Deneb on October 25, 2010, at 16:56:32
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » Deneb, posted by twinleaf on October 24, 2010, at 10:13:05
Hey Twinleaf,
I'm sorry I got angry and snapped at you. You're only trying to help. I'm going to try to focus on finding a job like my pdoc wants, instead of on trying to restrict unhealthily.
(((((Twinleaf))))) Sorry again. I just got angry, but I'm not angry anymore.
Deneb
Posted by twinleaf on October 25, 2010, at 17:30:32
In reply to Re: I'm so confused and scared » twinleaf, posted by Deneb on October 24, 2010, at 17:19:07
I think the *alone* feeling is one of the most difficult to bear, and Babble can certainly help with those feelings, if only because there are people here who have felt that way, too, and who can really empathize with you. And, as Bob says, the boards are here for whatever education and support they can provide. There are several threads going on now where, it seems to me, you are being provided with wonderful support. A number of Babblers are genuinely thrilled about your job prospects; I haven't written on that thread but I do share their feelings, and really look forward to hearing how things go.
The only reason there has been a difference of opinion on this thread is that NO-ONE WANTS TO CAUSE YOU HARM. We do hear a real cry for help from you in these posts, and we all want to provide support while making sure that we don't say anything that might make it more likely that you develop an ED. You don't have to agree with us, of course, but I do hope that you'll understand the reason for our concern.
If you prefer to use threads like this more as a "journal with audience", I certainly can accept that, even though I don't believe Bob envisioned that as one of the purposes of Babble. I think it is very important to Bob that posters interact with one another. As far as reading threads, if my support or new ideas are not wanted, I would not read them. Ocer time, as Glydin points out, the audience would disappear. This seems to recreate the painful aloneness all over again.
You are in a time of real change right now, with a lot of stress, but also a lot of great possibilies. . Seeing pdoc every two weeks for only 30 minutes must be very frustrating! Once you know about your employment, you'll be in a much better position to choose the kind of care you feel will help you the most. We can offer support and ideas- that you can count on- but, as Bob says, "psychobabble is not in itself psychotherapy."
Posted by twinleaf on October 25, 2010, at 17:44:45
In reply to I'm sorry for snapping at you TL, posted by Deneb on October 25, 2010, at 16:56:32
I think our posts must have crossed. Thank you = I appreciate your writing. It would certainly be better and easier for you if you had more frequent support IRL, and it probably made you feel more alone than ever when we got worried about some of your posts - like we were rejecting a real part of you. These really are the kinds of things that can be talked about safely with a therapist, but where the average well meaning person does not know what is most helpful to say.
Anyway, glad we got it cleared up, at least in part.
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