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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jay on August 5, 2002, at 23:09:51
Hmmm..me is a vewwwy bad boy..;-) Tonight, I planned on starting a nice exercise routine, all hyped up for it. Then a few hours ago...just feeling *very* low...ack.Well...here is what I *did* do. I made a big batch of pina colodas, beforehand had a nice corned beef on rye bread sandwich, and gulped back a few *extra* lorazepams...enough more than usual to give me a 'buzz'. I put on my 'Enigma' cd...turned down the lights. SO WHAT if I need chemicals to help me...really..so what...it sure as hell beats being 6 feet under...indeed. Many people drink everyday...and as long as in a bit of moderation..so what!
As I sit here typing this letter...the music is flowing through my mind like a scene underneath the Northern Lights. 'The Return to Innocence' is playing right now...man does that bring me back to "myself".
Nine or so years ago...I had it 'all'..well..most of what many could want in life. A satisfying very, very well paying job, helping people...I had got myself into such good shape physically. Then, about 7 years ago..I lost it all..job..physical fitness..mental fitness..loss of finances...I was IN THE HOLE..and it kept getting deeper, for years, non-stop.
Now, in the summer of 2002, my very, very *beautiful* great Uncle Vernie passed away on Friday. He has left me an absolutely incredible amount of money in his will...and I will be well off for some time to be. Yes, because of him...that major strain in my life has been lifted. Now, not only am I a bit richer in the bank, but most importantly, I am so rich in my heart for him doing that for me.
Tomorrow is his funeral, and yes, I have volunteered to say his Eulogy. I *had* to...ohh did I ever HAVE to...yes.
Here is the poem I will read..it is a Buddhist poem:
Promise me,
promise me this day
while the sun is just overhead
even as the pain is in your heart
remember, love knows no enemiesjust your kindness, your love
invincible, limitless
and one day when you have to face this pain
your courage intact
your eyes kind
out of your smile
will bloom a flower
and those who love you
will behold you
across 10,000 worlds of birth and dyingand when we are alone
we will go on, head bent
but knowing the immortality of love
and on the long, rough road
both sun and moon will shine
forever, lighting our wayNice...yes? :-) I hope you like..please feel free to copy and pass on.
OK..next week we will worry about weight...not today, though. Cheers to you...and to hope...for hope is *eternal*...don't let anyone ever tell you different.
Jay :-)
Posted by .tabi.T.ha. on August 5, 2002, at 23:38:06
In reply to Exercise..or Pina Colada and Benzos? :-), posted by jay on August 5, 2002, at 23:09:51
That's funny, you caught me drinking wine to get through my paperwork anxiety. I've already thoroughly established that drinking is not a good coping mechanism for me, but... No excuse really. I hope we'll both do a little better tomorrow.
Sympathies for the loss of your uncle, and congrats on the inheritance.
Posted by Dinah on August 6, 2002, at 9:15:52
In reply to Exercise..or Pina Colada and Benzos? :-), posted by jay on August 5, 2002, at 23:09:51
And I'm sorry to hear about your loss.
Posted by tina on August 6, 2002, at 12:19:02
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning? » jay, posted by Dinah on August 6, 2002, at 9:15:52
sorry to hear about your uncle jay. I hope you're ok today.
thinking about you
T
Posted by jay on August 6, 2002, at 23:03:01
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning? » jay, posted by Dinah on August 6, 2002, at 9:15:52
Well...first thing I did when I woke up was gulp back a Ceaser, and man do I feel f**king depressed. I got two hours sleep last night.You know, out of a whole family of greedy show-off scum, I didn't know my uncle, but it was *I* who delivered the eulogy. I think I did a nice job...and was told I did so. One really nice part of the burial, for the first time in many years, my older yet not-so-close sister held my hand during the final prayer. Her and I have been so distant for far too long. Ack. Why can't life be a LOT more compassionate...why can't we all love each other like today was the last day of the world.
Anyhow..thanks for listening..
Peace,
Jay
Posted by .tabi.T.ha. on August 7, 2002, at 0:10:23
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning?/..Dinah..Tina, posted by jay on August 6, 2002, at 23:03:01
>been so distant for far too long. Ack. Why can't life be a LOT more compassionate...why can't we all love each other like today was the last day of the world.
Jay, I have this little fantasy of being on a plane that's crashing, and as we head toward the ground in our gleaming silver death machine, strangers spontaneously clasp hands, hug, etc. Warms my heart, in a sick apocalyptic sort of way.
-Tabby
Posted by tina on August 7, 2002, at 9:58:33
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning?/..Dinah..Tina, posted by jay on August 6, 2002, at 23:03:01
Maybe this can be the catalyst that opens the door for you and your sister? Perhaps something good can come from your uncle's passing.
warm thoughts
tina
Posted by jay on August 9, 2002, at 8:19:22
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning?/..Dinah..Tina » jay, posted by .tabi.T.ha. on August 7, 2002, at 0:10:23
> >been so distant for far too long. Ack. Why can't life be a LOT more compassionate...why can't we all love each other like today was the last day of the world.
>
> Jay, I have this little fantasy of being on a plane that's crashing, and as we head toward the ground in our gleaming silver death machine, strangers spontaneously clasp hands, hug, etc. Warms my heart, in a sick apocalyptic sort of way.
> -Tabby
>You know..thats what bugs me....WHY does it take a disaster for the closeness to happen? Why can't we all love each other, every day...hold hands..hug..my sister held my hand at a funeral the other day...and I thought the world moved. It SHOULDN'T take a disaster....it is just the way IT OUGHT TO BE...in my world anyway....you know what I mean?
Peace,
Jay
Posted by jay on August 9, 2002, at 8:25:21
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning? » jay, posted by tina on August 7, 2002, at 9:58:33
> Maybe this can be the catalyst that opens the door for you and your sister? Perhaps something good can come from your uncle's passing.
> warm thoughts
> tinaThanks...maybe so. It's amazing...I now have a life all layed out for me...I won't really have to worry about money...and that was the *cause* of the depression before. Now..I am thinking about things like finding a girlfriend/wife...looking after myself...and it seems my depression has slowly lifted...wholly sh*T!
I am a damn lucky guy...and I wish/hope I can really, really find a way to help others.
Jay
Posted by SandraDee on August 9, 2002, at 10:00:17
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning?/..Dinah..Tina » .tabi.T.ha., posted by jay on August 9, 2002, at 8:19:22
I have one set of friends, GREAT friends... they go to my church and they are the Godparents to my children. They are so like me. They hug everytime we see them. Even her husband hugs my husband. (No they aren't swingers!) He kisses me on the cheek when he leaves my house. I babysit their kids sometimes (once or twice a week) and even if it's just him coming, he'll hug me g'bye. I absolutely love it. I think we don't hug enough, really. I know that sounds corny and silly. But I know *I* feel better after a hug or compliment even. Most people do. I totally agree with you about being more affectionate to each other. I can remember back to an awesome experience (memory) with my dad when I was 19, and my boyfriend was with us. I walked through a theme park (Six Flags) holding my dad's hand on the one side of me, and my honey's hand on the other. But hey, that's just me - and apparently there's others out there, you just have to find them! And maybe, just maybe... if they know you are affectionate like that, then they will be too. I know that I tend to not be as affectionate as I would be normally until someone else opens that door, you know? Just a thought for you.
Posted by tina on August 9, 2002, at 10:00:47
In reply to Re: How do you feel this morning? » tina, posted by jay on August 9, 2002, at 8:25:21
Your attitude is wonderful Jay. Wanting to help others is commendable and if the tone of your posts is any indication, you'll do exactly that.
Just a big thanks for being you :)
warm hugs
tina
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