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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 13, 2001, at 19:41:08
My SO and I talked today. He's not willing to see a counselor. He says that the only reasons we're not having sex are his stress and my weight. He's too stressed out, and I need to lose weight.
To put this in perspective, I'm 5'9" tall, and weigh about 170. I think I wear a size 12. I'm not tiny, but not huge. And after years of anorexia, this is probably healthier for me. It's certainly not healthy for me to obsess about it.
On top of the fears and terrors of the last few days, when I need to be held and loved, to hear that it ain't gonna be happening anytime soon is almost too much.
Is life even worth the fight?
Posted by Krazy Kat on September 13, 2001, at 19:49:11
In reply to Follow up on my trivial troubles, posted by Racer on September 13, 2001, at 19:41:08
I have a friend whose wedding is planned for this weekend in the west. Many of us can't go now. She is upset, but feels guilty. Of course it's all right that she's upset.
I'm sorry you're having this trouble. I'm glad that you talked about it some, though. What do you think the next step will be?
- K.
Posted by willow on September 13, 2001, at 20:26:47
In reply to Follow up on my trivial troubles, posted by Racer on September 13, 2001, at 19:41:08
> My SO and I talked today. He's not willing to see a counselor. He says that the only reasons we're not having sex are his stress and my weight. He's too stressed out, and I need to lose weight.
Racer
Were those his words that you need to lose weight? If so in my opinion, you really need to take a hard look into this relationship.
Whispering Willow
Posted by susan C on September 13, 2001, at 21:26:48
In reply to Follow up on my trivial troubles, posted by Racer on September 13, 2001, at 19:41:08
Now, weight a minute...I am 5'9" (and 3/4 depending on who's measuring) and I would be THRILLED to weigh 170, I just hit 178 after hovering at 185-90 for years....I have been a size twelve since I was twelve, it is my identity, when I hit size 18 I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. This is on the top end for our height, but not too bad. At 155 I know I would look haggard, 125 I visited when about 25 and looked skelental..If I could hit 170 or a little less, I would be floating...? MMMMMmmmmmmm, lets, compare measurements (lol)
Willow and Krazy have very delicately presented a topic for your consideration...there is a conflict between commitment or lack there of and a willingness to work for said commitment through counselling or other...things.... is his stress separate from your weight?
A slightly BIGGER mouse than I have let on
Susan C> My SO and I talked today. He's not willing to see a counselor. He says that the only reasons we're not having sex are his stress and my weight. He's too stressed out, and I need to lose weight.
>
> To put this in perspective, I'm 5'9" tall, and weigh about 170. I think I wear a size 12. I'm not tiny, but not huge. And after years of anorexia, this is probably healthier for me. It's certainly not healthy for me to obsess about it.
>
> On top of the fears and terrors of the last few days, when I need to be held and loved, to hear that it ain't gonna be happening anytime soon is almost too much.
>
> Is life even worth the fight?
Posted by Mair on September 13, 2001, at 21:43:13
In reply to Re: Follow up on my trivial troubles, posted by susan C on September 13, 2001, at 21:26:48
>Racer - Not to stir things up but this doesn't seem to compute. He may not like your current weight, but I can't believe that has anythiing to do with his unwillingness to have sex. I, too, would be concerned about his reluctance to acknowledge that this problem is of importance, and to work with you on finding a more defined solution. Maybe it's just a matter of him not being able to imagine talking to someone about your sex life - I know that would be a huge hang-up for my spouse who's not a big fan of therapy anyway. Even so, he needs to respect how important this is to you.
Mair
Posted by Wendy B. on September 13, 2001, at 22:28:52
In reply to Re: Follow up on my trivial troubles, posted by susan C on September 13, 2001, at 21:26:48
(dear bigger mouse:
do they have a slightly bigger mousetrap now too? i can tell you're a very beautiful, soulful mousie...)
and racer:is it worth the fight? yes, but you have to take care of yourself too...
why are we talking about weight...?
a woman who is 200 lbs or whatever, or more, is AS LOVABLE AS ANYONE ELSE, don't you think? i mean, whatever our weight is, we're all lovable.
your man is throwing onto you (projecting) what are most cetainly HIS problems...
i hate the sexism of this. how svelte is HIS fabulous booty??
would you ever think of throwing HIS weight in his face as an answer to a serious relationship problem?... what if you were unresponsive to him while having sex, and he asked you why, and you said, well, gee, honey, it's because you weigh too much?
you are 5'9" and a size 12? it's like your therapist said: 1/2 of all people want to meet you, and 1/2 of them want to BE you.... 'nuff said.
don't you dare let his comments change your self-perception and self-worth one bit. if you are a former anorexic, this weight is very good for you, it's ok to look in the mirror and see a healthy-looking person with meat on her bones. my sister has a weight-perception problem, too, i've seen it in action. millions of men would like to pat your butt, woman!
willow and susan and kingfish are right, is this the best thing for you right now? if his stress is too much, wouldn't he benefit just for himself, to go to therapy at least alone? it sounds like he is suffering from a lot of anxiety. he needs to take care of himself, too
my ex was similar, although his problem was alternately depressed and hypomanic. and he didn't want to do the couples therapy thing, though i thought surely the relationship was worth saving... the reality hits, though, when the other person says: no, it's not.
now i think it was because he had to face his own demons in his own therapy, and there was no way he could be there and present in a relationship, with me at least...sounds like you have had your own share of troubles, with the miscarriages, the ex who also blamed you for being TOO sexually responsive (!!). and now the current man who cannot be intimate, share with you, be your real lover... and blames you besides.
you're drawn to men like this because...? (my track record is no better, believe me! working on it with meds and therapy, though!)
i hope you find what you're looking for, and i send you a hug:
\\\\((((( you )))))))///
because you need it,
as do we all in a week like this.i'm watching the trail of tears
on the TV, sisters, mothers,
brothers, children, of the victims,
crying, and still hoping
beyond hope
that their missing are alive,
it's amazing, that they
still have hope...peace -
wendy
> Now, weight a minute...I am 5'9" (and 3/4 depending on who's measuring) and I would be THRILLED to weigh 170, I just hit 178 after hovering at 185-90 for years....I have been a size twelve since I was twelve, it is my identity, when I hit size 18 I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. This is on the top end for our height, but not too bad. At 155 I know I would look haggard, 125 I visited when about 25 and looked skelental..If I could hit 170 or a little less, I would be floating...? MMMMMmmmmmmm, lets, compare measurements (lol)
>
> Willow and Krazy have very delicately presented a topic for your consideration...there is a conflict between commitment or lack there of and a willingness to work for said commitment through counselling or other...things.... is his stress separate from your weight?
>
> A slightly BIGGER mouse than I have let on
> Susan C
>
> > My SO and I talked today. He's not willing to see a counselor. He says that the only reasons we're not having sex are his stress and my weight. He's too stressed out, and I need to lose weight.
> >
> > To put this in perspective, I'm 5'9" tall, and weigh about 170. I think I wear a size 12. I'm not tiny, but not huge. And after years of anorexia, this is probably healthier for me. It's certainly not healthy for me to obsess about it.
> >
> > On top of the fears and terrors of the last few days, when I need to be held and loved, to hear that it ain't gonna be happening anytime soon is almost too much.
> >
> > Is life even worth the fight?
Posted by willow on September 14, 2001, at 9:33:36
In reply to Re: Follow up on my trivial troubles, posted by Mair on September 13, 2001, at 21:43:13
Racer
Mair's point crossed my mind, but unfortunately I just got angry with your spouse pushing the blame on you. My husband too is leary of counselling. His attitude, "I know what is wrong with me, I don't need someone to tell me."
Another thought crossed my mind. You mentioned that you have suffered with anorexia. I wonder if you still have feelings about your physical image. I had found a web-site which seemed helpful to people who had suffered from anoxeria. This weekend I'll go through the archives looking for the link and post back to you.
Keep your chin up!
Willow
ps susan does this issue make you a rat? ;-)
Posted by Krazy Kat on September 14, 2001, at 9:38:33
In reply to Re: Follow up... » susan C, posted by Wendy B. on September 13, 2001, at 22:28:52
Posted by Krazy Kat on September 14, 2001, at 9:48:41
In reply to men and therapy ..., posted by willow on September 14, 2001, at 9:33:36
I guess I should mention that I'm kind of small naturally - should I? - but @ turning 30, I just got so tired of the push for skinniness, and the lack of focus on health.
Cari Otis' recent switch to a Mode model is interesting - she's a size 12 from the reports, and that's a size under the average American or Westerner.
I wonder if folks who are very small, myself included if I'm not careful, have more health problems later?
Racer, your weight seems absolutely fine to me.
Posted by Roo on September 14, 2001, at 11:09:10
In reply to Weight? , posted by Krazy Kat on September 14, 2001, at 9:48:41
Racer--
I'm just curious to hear from you--how does it make
you feel that one of the reasons your SO dosen't
want sex is b/c of your weight?
Posted by Racer on September 14, 2001, at 11:49:28
In reply to Re: Weight? Racer, posted by Roo on September 14, 2001, at 11:09:10
> Racer--
>
> I'm just curious to hear from you--how does it make
> you feel that one of the reasons your SO dosen't
> want sex is b/c of your weight?Well, that's an easy one! 'Of course, no one would want to touch me! I'm so enormous and disgusting, with a big belly, floppy upper arms, and ripply thighs! I wouldn't want to touch myself, how could it feel good to anyone? How could anyone ever find me attractive?'
Mind you, I've had a lot of that going on most of my life, but now there's that other little voice telling me that all the things I was so afraid of during my anorexic years, that if I ever relaxed my vigilance over food, I'd get so huge and disgusting that no one would ever want me, ARE TRUE. What a terrible thing. I finally get 'healthier', only to find that people around me want me to fall back into that.
And, to make matters worse, I have found myself saying inside, for several days now, 'very well, I just won't eat. THEN I'll lose weight. THEN they'll see.'
Just what I want most of all to do, hurt myself (again) in order to hurt others who probably won't even notice.
Damn it all! Bring on the ice cream sandwiches, someone! Let's order the extra large pizza! Who's gonna join me, hm?
Posted by sar on September 16, 2001, at 1:09:05
In reply to Re: Weight? Racer » Roo, posted by Racer on September 14, 2001, at 11:49:28
dear racer,
i just caught up on this thread. have you seen all the press about carrie otis, one of the most successful models ever? she spent years eating lettuce and snorting champagne to remain the ideal model weight of 115 or what-have-you, and now she has allowed herself to go to 155, and she is happier than she's ever been (or so she told the lady on 20/20 or whatevah).
it just seems like your SO should be able to see past some weight gain and support you in whatever you decide...i agree with all the other posters, and wendy *did* put it so well...how attractive his his darlin booty nowadays?
i had a boyfriend who looked at my belly with disgust because i am a skinny person with a potbelly. fuck it, i say, i like to drink. a pot belly is proof of living and drinking well! :)
if yr not happy with yr bod, it's best to change, but i know the weird mind games...i used to have eating disordered behavior, like if i ate a slice if pizza i'd run a mile to work it off crazy shit like that, but i'm this big carrie otis fan now, she says eat healthy and exercise, don't deprive yourself but take care of yourself...
your body is yours, don't let anyone fuck with you that way please, size 12 is normal, do what you want...how is your SO's psychological condition? do you think he may be using your weight as a scapegoat?
too much damn hypothesizing when i don't even know you! weight issues are close to my heart and i just want you to know that you've got another supporter.
love,
sar
Posted by Jane D on September 16, 2001, at 3:00:16
In reply to Re: Weight? Racer » Roo, posted by Racer on September 14, 2001, at 11:49:28
Hi Racer,
Sar just asked above if you thought he was using your weight as a scapegoat. I think that may be it. You are not overweight but you are clearly very vulnerable about the matter. He must know this. He may be so sensitive about talking about his sex problems that he is hitting you where it will hurt the most to make sure you back off. Try to keep in mind that this is NOT about your weight. Remember - half want to meet you and half want to be you. And some of us here, like me, also wish that we could write posts as clear and aware as yours are.
Jane
Posted by Wendy B. on September 17, 2001, at 8:37:18
In reply to Wendy-you always say it so well (nm), posted by Krazy Kat on September 14, 2001, at 9:38:33
Posted by Cecilia on September 18, 2001, at 4:34:24
In reply to Re: (Wendy-you always say it so well:) THANKS! (nm), posted by Wendy B. on September 17, 2001, at 8:37:18
I agree 100%-he`s using your weight to blame the problem on you and get the focus off himself. Is this the same guy who was having problems getting a green card to stay in the U.S.-whatever happened with that?
This is the end of the thread.
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