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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annierose on December 15, 2008, at 18:41:45
... and it felt okay.
First of all, it's always hard for me to start talking in therapy. I might have ideas or things that seem important to share but it's always hard for me to get started. My therapist understands this and gently tries to get me to share whatever is on my mind ... no matter what it is or where I'm at in the process.
Today was especially difficult. I'm not sure why but I told her it felt like I had been gone for weeks, even though it was our normal schedule, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Nothing major happened over the weekend, nothing emotionally important but of course I felt like I had lots to share. But when my brain scanned the thoughts that kept popping up, I started editing ... "no, don't talk about that," "nope, this isn't a good road to go down either...".
Well, I know this isn't how a "good" client does therapy. I should tell her whatever pops in my head without editing, but I couldn't today. I shared that struggle with her and mentioned, "It seems the thoughts that keep popping up our my taboo subjects here." Well that got her attention and of course she hoped and wished I could talk about "anything".
The one that seemed the "safest" was an evening out with friends on Saturday night. My husband and I are democrats and our friends are republicans. I believe my therapist to be a republican - so I try to stay clear of politics in therapy. Our past conversations haven't been helpful to our relationship. And I was reminded of that today.
My republican friends believe that they are going to change my mind. They are the ones who are going to show me how wrong my views are. Over and over they tell me stupid accusations and worse of all, send me racist and hateful e-mails about Obama (and during Clinton's adminstration ... I got fax after fax). I finally told them to stop the e-mails as I found them destructive to our friendship. I reminded them in the past eight years with Bush as "president" (at least pretending) I NEVER EVER sent them one hateful e-mail, never sent them "Can you believe that Bush did this?" type of story, or this or this or this ... and I think I had plenty of opportunity to do so. But I kept quiet, not wanting to do to them what they did to me with the Clintons.
SO now Mr. Obama isn't even in the White House yet, and the mean hateful comments have begun. I told her about the dinner and how uncomfortable the evening became.
And what does she say? "Annie, not everyone is going to have you viewpoints. How boring would the world be if everyone thought the same thoughts." Umm, "excuse me? I know that and I respect that. They are the ones throwing the rocks. They are the ones telling me I'm wrong. I am just the person receiving the information." This type of non-constructive dialogue went back and forth. She decided, "We need to understand why this makes you so angry. Why it's so hard to have a political conversation." OMG.
I finally got up and left telling her, "You are preaching to the wrong choir. I am open-minded ... I can accept other people's beliefs."
Once I left her office, I thought I would feel aggitated. Instead, it felt right. And I figured out why she upset me. She wasn't supportive of my hurt. It was like a friend was throwing rocks at me and she was saying, "but Annie, everyone expresses their anger differently. We need to understand why getting rocks thrown at you upsets you."
Posted by Phillipa on December 15, 2008, at 20:10:27
In reply to Walked out in the middle of therapy today ..., posted by Annierose on December 15, 2008, at 18:41:45
I'm sorry this happened to you. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on December 15, 2008, at 20:43:34
In reply to Walked out in the middle of therapy today ..., posted by Annierose on December 15, 2008, at 18:41:45
"We need to understand why getting rocks thrown at you upsets you."
Duhhh.
Doncha love these lightbulb moments?
Good for you :-)
M
Posted by raisinb on December 15, 2008, at 20:57:55
In reply to Walked out in the middle of therapy today ..., posted by Annierose on December 15, 2008, at 18:41:45
It's wonderful when the right thing to do is so clear, even when you are in conflict with someone you care about deeply.
I know it's tough to have fights with your therapist, but it looks to me like you're approaching that amazing concept (pretty much foreign to me) known as "healthy boundaries." Congratulations.
Posted by onceupon on December 15, 2008, at 21:00:22
In reply to Walked out in the middle of therapy today ..., posted by Annierose on December 15, 2008, at 18:41:45
I'm impressed at your ability to take the higher ground, so to speak. It's sad to hear that your therapist seemed to allow her own political beliefs to overshadow her ability to respond empathically to you. Based on your previous unproductive conversations, it sounds like this might be one of her blind spots.
I'm further impressed by your ability to bite your tongue around your friends' remarks. Have you addressed their mean-spirited comments in the past? In some ways (and I could be totally off base here), it seems like you responded to your therapist in a way that you might have wanted to respond to your friends...if you haven't already.
Politics are tough. I was relieved early in my relationship with my therapist when I saw a bumper sticker on her car that indicated she was of the same political persuasion that I am.
Posted by DAisym on December 16, 2008, at 1:41:16
In reply to Walked out in the middle of therapy today ..., posted by Annierose on December 15, 2008, at 18:41:45
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Tough discussion and yes, she didn't validate your hurt. The heart of the matter wasn't about politics, it was about being the outsider - about holding a different view from the crowd and feeling like an outcast. She should have helped you figure out some satisfying responses and she should have been sympathetic to how you feel. You have a right to be angry about someone else shoving their political views down your throat. She should have validated your anger.
It might have been a productive discussion of how your views make you feel left out - or what is it about you that encourages your friends to keep arguing with you...but she didn't join you in your feelings.
I'm glad leaving felt OK. I know it is hard to have these ruptures. I hope you can talk it through tomorrow. I think I'd keep saying, "this isn't about politics - this isn't about politics..."
Posted by rskontos on December 16, 2008, at 15:03:39
In reply to Re: Walked out in the middle of therapy today ... » Annierose, posted by DAisym on December 16, 2008, at 1:41:16
Oh, and wow. Oh on her reaction and wow on yours.
This took guts and courage. I am glad you did it for yourself.
I know how hard it is. Just recently I have been telling my T things I know he feels that I should do differently and I said "I know you may dissapprove of my actions but at least they are my actions no one elses. I am learning to stand on my own two feet and sometimes that will mean against you as well." He just smiled.
And agreed with me. It is hard so hard to do this.
I am sorry your t is not where a different one might be, a place to support you and see that it is not about politics, but as Daisym so wisely said, being the outsider.
Shame on her, she should know. She just couldn't put her own feelings aside.
I wonder why politics and religion gets some many even professionals like T, to venture down the wrong professional path even.
Take care, you hit the high road today.
rsk
Posted by Annierose on December 16, 2008, at 21:33:34
In reply to Re: Walked out in the middle...AnnieRose » DAisym, posted by rskontos on December 16, 2008, at 15:03:39
I had another session this afternoon. Anger seeped in the room (mine). Immediately she asked where I was at with my feelings. She agreed that it wasn't about politics. Near the end of today's session, she apologized that I got so upset. Of course she saw things differently than me. She said she pressed on "being more open to different views" because she didn't hear me tell her that this is the couple I had previously asked to stop sending me hateful e-mails ... as if that would make a difference.
I lay down during my sessions. It was hard to do at first, but now I've grown accustomed to having my own space (closing my eyes, not having to make eye contact with my t, etc). Anyway, she thinks it would be a good time to start sitting again .. that I miss visual clues that she does like me, that she is on my side, so to speak.
I'll think about it.
Thanks to everyone for your support. It was so helpful to me. Each and everyone of you!!! You are the best!
Posted by LibraryGirl on December 17, 2008, at 12:54:14
In reply to Walked out in the middle of therapy today ..., posted by Annierose on December 15, 2008, at 18:41:45
Good for you!
I walked out of a session with my former T a couple of times. I don't remember much about the second time, but the first time she asked me: "Do you come here just to make me look stupid?" Like you, I had a LOT of trouble vocalizing anything with her, but she couldn't handle it, so it created lots of conflict. When she threw that at me I walked out. I should have ended it then, but, I didn't, although things didn't get much better from then on.
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2008, at 23:09:22
In reply to Thanks everyone for your support!, posted by Annierose on December 16, 2008, at 21:33:34
I was struck in your original post by how she seemed to be missing what you were trying to tell her. That there was something going on between the two of you that made you reluctant to speak openly to her. Could it be that in walking out you were communicating to her more directly since she didn't hear you?
I'm glad she did listen, after that. Do you think looking at her would help? I've gotten kind of used to looking at my therapist now. I always could feel how he reacted, but there is something extra special about watching the play of emotions across his face.
Of course, my therapist has a very expressive face. And more often than not, the play of emotions is amusing more than touching.
Posted by Annierose on December 18, 2008, at 12:00:44
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone for your support!, posted by Dinah on December 17, 2008, at 23:09:22
I did sit up today. It was incredibly difficult. I need to sort out for myself why this change brought up so much emotion. Mind you, I did sit up the first time I saw her and again this time for about 6 months ... and did now and then.
I think I learned how to hide myself laying down ... lost in my own imagination and thoughts.
I did not enjoy today at all.
This is the end of the thread.
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