![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 2:00:17
I've had a strange week. Things are going really well at work - like REALLY well - new programs, new funding and hiring much needed staff. (OK, we don't have a budget yet in Ca but that will eventually fix itself.) And I met someone a few months ago, who lives a couple of states away but still - I feel like a teen with a crush. And lucky me, AnnieRose came out to visit and we had so much fun last weekend. I've been pretty depressed most of the summer but even that felt like it was lifting.
So why, in the midst of all this good stuff, did I get a horrible new memory? I guess I've felt it coming for a while but that doesn't make it any less devastating. Sometimes I think my unconscious is against happiness - that parts of me don't trust it and actually fight against it. Being happy is scary and dangerous.
Talking about memories is hard because it makes them real. I know the process - I'll tell, I'll feel the shock of really knowing, I'll feel sick and then numb and then suicidal and then slowly accept what is true and begin to grieve this new thing, along with so much else. And each and every time, I'm terrified to tell my therapist this new thing. I'm ashamed and worried that he will leap out of his chair and scream, "enough! No more bad things. I can't hear anymore!" Or worse, he will begin to wonder if any of it is real - where have these memories been hiding and how can he believe them? I'm not even sure I do.
I dropped this new memory out at the end of the session on Monday. It was hard to tell him. It was so hard that I was up most of the night and by morning I decided I would pretend like I'd never said it. I wondered what he would say if I said he'd mixed me up with another client. But the session took a weird turn and we ended up talking about my new relationship or more specifically, why I wasn't talking about it much in therapy. After that session, I felt relief but I also felt confused. It was very unlike my therapist to not provide openings to go back to something or even to straight out ask about it. I started to doubt that I'd even told him - maybe I'd written about it and I just thought I'd told him. At my next session, we continued talking about relationships and we talked about sex. I want so desperately to be normal around all of this and not get triggered. My therapist was so kind and caring - sometimes I wish sex was part of therapy so I could learn how to relax and deal with the closeness. He doesn't scare me, much. (Yes, I told him this.) But at the very end of the session, there were powerful emotions coming up. This wish and a deep sadness that descended from no where. I left abruptly and early and cried for a long time in my car. Somehow I convinced myself that my therapist really didn't want to talk about the memories anymore and maybe didn't even want to work with me anymore. So on Thursday I chattered away about work and my kids and the weather. And he let me. And then I went silent. He asked a number of questions and then finally asked if I just wanted to sit together for awhile. I made a sarcastic comment and he responded with surprise that I sounded angry. I shook it off and he asked me to please tell him what I was angry about. I tried to deny the anger but suddenly I was furious and I sort of hurled a few things at him - particularly that if we were done talking about the abuse, he should tell me so I stop making a fool out of myself by telling him stuff. He looked stunned and tried to ease back with "we can talk about whatever you want and of course we aren't done." It was the end of the session, he said, "do you think we should touch base over the weekend?" I said no. He reminded me that I could call him if I needed him. I nodded and left.
About two hours later, he called me and left a message saying that he was very unsettled after I left and after sitting with it a while he realized why I was so upset. He said I'd told him something really hard and awful on Monday and we'd never gone back to it. He felt bad about that and said it was a mistake on his part. He asked me to please call him or email him. I sent him a long email (almost as long as this!) and we talked on Saturday. I acknowledged that it was my responsibility to bring things up and he said it was his responsibility to help me do this. He also said that he thinks that he dissociated away from the memory with me - unconsciously colluded with my need to undo telling him. We talked a lot about this and how hard it is to help me through all of this. It is very painful for him, I think. I did ask how I could make it easier on him and he said it wasn't my job to make it easier but it always helps him when I can just say what I am thinking. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm thinking, or feeling.
If you've read this far, you are a trooper and I thank you. I guess I just wanted to share what was happening with me. I think I'm glad not I'm not my own therapist - I feel like such a hard patient.
Posted by JayMac on September 1, 2008, at 2:52:00
In reply to An Update - long, mild triggers, posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 2:00:17
> So why, in the midst of all this good stuff, did I get a horrible new memory?
Many times I think the same thing. I'll be doing really well, I'll re-remember something from my childhood, then I'll suffer with the anxiety of remembering and the anxiety of telling my T. I agree, being happy is SCARY.
I think it's because we are soooooo used to being in a constant state of depression, anxiety, etc. that when things are good we suspect something is wrong. And sometimes, something is wrong. And sometimes our unconscious brings up these memories for us to bring us back to the state it's used to. Our unconscious is used to being sad, depressed, lonely, angry, etc. It doesn't know much else. Our unconscious, in a weird way, likes what we are used to. When we go against what we are used to, things are stirred: our minds remember things that make us want to revert to our old selves. But it's the un-stirring, sort of speak, it's the understanding of the memories where the work of therapy comes in.
> I'm ashamed and worried that he will leap out of his chair and scream, "enough! No more bad things. I can't hear anymore!" Or worse, he will begin to wonder if any of it is real - where have these memories been hiding and how can he believe them? I'm not even sure I do.
You don't have to do anything other than continue to go and speak with him. He believes you because he cares about you. There is no need for you to get him to believe you. He already does. He can take your pain and help you mold it into something more useful for you in the present. The past CAN become a useful tool for the present. It takes MUCH MUCH MUCH hard work, but he obviously believes in you. And I can tell that you believe in yourself.
> Sometimes I just don't know what I'm thinking, or feeling.
When you don't know what you are thinking or feelings, try to telling him you don't know. Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm feeling one feeling or another, but when I talk about it or write about it in my journal, then I can get a better grasp on the situation. Also, not all thoughts and feelings need to be thought or felt in the exact moment they come (if that makes any sense). Sometimes it takes a little while for our brains to process everything going on.
> If you've read this far, you are a trooper and I thank you. I guess I just wanted to share what was happening with me. I think I'm glad not I'm not my own therapist - I feel like such a hard patient.
YOU are a trooper for going this far in your relationship with your T.
Take care!
JayMac
Posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 9:00:14
In reply to An Update - long, mild triggers, posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 2:00:17
First of all, I can't tell you happy I am to hear that you're interested in someone. That is a huge step forward.
Part of me thinks that your T was following your lead on the present day subjects because IRL they really are important to you, and he was trying to help you make those small moves he has been talking about. And you have made some moves, in your own way and in your own time. Extra chocolate chip cookies for you! (or muffins, ice cream, whatever you would like).
That said, I can understand why he would have disassociated about the memory and was in collusion with you to hold back from discussing it. Each time we bring a memory forth and deal with it, we get a little stronger, and we don't have to go all the way back to the beginning with defining our feelings, etc., which is good, but it doesn't mean they don't hurt. I almost see it as a positive that your T was helping you focus on the present. I can't explain why, exactly, but it feels good, it feels like progress.
But each time you have a memory, you are going to test him and yourself, and the fear that he will have had enough of you is ever present until you get, achieve, or whatever, the strength to deal with these things.
I recognize that fear that when things are going better, we look for the bad, and expect it to happen because in our minds it seems to always happen to us. And it does and it doesn't.
I was given this example the other day. At night when we can't sleep we hear creaks in our house and we think there's a burglar and we build it up in our mind. 99 times out of a 100 it's just the house settling or something like that, but people who have grown up with the constant expectation of bad things happening work themselves up 100 times to believe something bad is happening inside the house. Our adrenaline system gets going and our fight or flight mechanism goes into overdrive. We're always believing that the 1% is going to be true, rather than relaxing and accepting that MOST times bad things don't happen.
That said, too, when we are off guard, memories do come up, and they come up again and again until we've exhausted them. That's just our way.
I don't want to sound Pollyannish, but you know that the memory has come up, maybe in part, because you are stronger to handle it.
And your T is there with you every step of the way, and always will be. But I think maybe he got caught up with the changes in your life and was helping you w/present day stuff. It's a parallel track running in our lives--dealing with our stuff and creating a new life. They will intersect at some point; I have to believe they will.
Take a deep breath and remember that he is, and always has been, there for you. He cares like few therapists I've ever heard about, so just trust.
yes, I wrote a book. Sorry, but I don't want you to minimize the positive changes in your life. And yes, you can talk about sex and how to make it better. He will help you with that too, I am sure.
antigua
Posted by sunnydays on September 1, 2008, at 11:04:59
In reply to An Update - long, mild triggers, posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 2:00:17
I hate it when we don't get back to something that I thought was really really important but don't have the courage to bring up a second time. I just recently this week brought up something that happened months ago that I haven't been able to bring up again until now. I sometimes get surprised that my T doesn't seem to 'get' how big certain things are to me. It sounds like your T is beginning to show you he is human too, and that the idealization phase might be waning. This happened a lot recently with my T, and my T says that being able to show him anger like that is a sign that I am 'growing up' internally because it is acting more like a teenager with him and less like a little kid. And he says that is a good thing.
But I know how very hard it is to have something like that that you need to talk about it and they can't just read your mind or they make a mistake and don't bring something up again. I'm glad you eventually were able to at least express the anger and were able to connect with him over the weekend.
You will figure it out. Isn't 'rupture and repair' supposed to be one of those healing things about therapy? It's so hard on us, though, I kind of wish it could always be perfect and good.
You are so brave, Daisy. Your T can handle this new memory, and you two will work past the rupture. You can do it! Keep on keeping on.
sunnydays
Posted by Phillipa on September 1, 2008, at 13:00:25
In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers » Daisym, posted by sunnydays on September 1, 2008, at 11:04:59
I was once told by a pdoc that I'm more comfortable with bad things than good things hence I mess up relationships unknowingly. Could your subconscious be afraid hence the conversations and fear? Phillipa
Posted by Tamar on September 1, 2008, at 16:26:55
In reply to An Update - long, mild triggers, posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 2:00:17
Hi Daisy,
It's so great that you met someone! And yeah, I've noticed too that just as things start feeling a bit better, something comes out of (what seems like) nowhere and hits me in the guts. I tend to hope it's because I'm in a better place to be able to deal with it, but it doesn't usually feel that way.
I'm so glad your therapist realised what was wrong without your having to spell it out to him. Mine does that sometimes, and it makes life a bit more bearable. (When he doesn't realise, it takes me months to bring it up again.)
I admire his description of what went wrong: that he dissociated away from the memory with you. I think that makes a lot of sense. I can also imagine he was very happy for you for your new relationship and that, perhaps like you, it seemed unfair to him that you had this awful memory just when things were seeming better. And at the same time, a patient's new relationship can also cause changes in the countertransference, so maybe he needed to adjust to that a little.
You know, I've never imagined you as a difficult patient. Of course your material is sometimes horrific, but your own bravery in facing it is undoubtedly a source of inspiration to your therapist. You're so courageous and committed to the therapeutic work that I always imagine your therapist must find working with you very rewarding, and I'm sure he admires you enormously.
Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 21:35:07
In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers » Daisym, posted by JayMac on September 1, 2008, at 2:52:00
It is difficult to think that we fight against our own unhappiness. My therapist described it this way - I seem to operate in a fairly narrow band-width. I keep fairly contained - not exuberant and not too emotional, on either end of the spectrum. When the band-width expands - due to happiness - the potential for other emotions also expands. So the good and bad go together in that I am capable of feeling more. Sometimes more really stinks.
I need to practice getting my brain to reopen when it closes down. We can see it happening - like an electric garage door that swings slowly shut. The words run away and I'm out the window. Last week I stopped talking mid-sentence. He said, "are you just going to leave me hanging here?" I stared at him - I had no idea that I'd stopped that way. He said he never knows how to help me when I get stuck like this. Sometimes asking questions opens things up but sometimes it makes it worse. I'm trying to get use to silence but it builds into anxiety for me. I think fear strangles the brain and it stops breathing. It is only later that I can really figure out what has happened.
Thanks for reading and the thoughtful response.
Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 22:19:32
In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers » Daisym, posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 9:00:14
First of all, I can't tell you happy I am to hear that you're interested in someone. That is a huge step forward.
****You'll like this - he is an English lit professor and a writer. We met at the Journal conference. :) Too bad he doesn't live close but that actually works better for me in some ways.
Part of me thinks that your T was following your lead on the present day subjects because IRL they really are important to you, and he was trying to help you make those small moves he has been talking about. And you have made some moves, in your own way and in your own time. Extra chocolate chip cookies for you! (or muffins, ice cream, whatever you would like).
*****I'm on a diet so I'll have sorbet instead, thank you. I think you are right, my therapist was focused on IRL stuff because it is important. And it has been hard for me to talk about this new stuff in therapy but I really don't know why yet. The flip side is, once started, I'll talk for days about it. I feel like a silly teenager - "and then he said, and then I said..." My therapist must be laughing inside.
That said, I can understand why he would have disassociated about the memory and was in collusion with you to hold back from discussing it. Each time we bring a memory forth and deal with it, we get a little stronger, and we don't have to go all the way back to the beginning with defining our feelings, etc., which is good, but it doesn't mean they don't hurt. I almost see it as a positive that your T was helping you focus on the present. I can't explain why, exactly, but it feels good, it feels like progress.
**********I'm glad I don't have to go back to the beginning. But the feeling that dominates here is rage and that is the most scary feeling for me. And I think knowing that rage always brings along its twin - despair - makes it that much harder to be here again. At some point there can be no more "new" to remember and process. I think he was focused on the present as a way to remind me that there is hope and there are things to live for. As upset as I was, it was probably a good strategy in some ways, even if it was unintentional.
But each time you have a memory, you are going to test him and yourself, and the fear that he will have had enough of you is ever present until you get, achieve, or whatever, the strength to deal with these things.
********I always feel bad that this fear pops up. Hasn't the man proven himself over and over again? But you are right - I'm testing him. And the fact that we are so close and have worked together for so long allows him more directness and honesty, which can be painful too. It is hard to hear that my stuff is painful for him. It is hard to know that he has rage for me - not at me but for me. This is going to sound weird - but I think he likes being tested in some ways. He always calls me on it and usually asks, "did I pass the test?" And he gets more and more creative with ways to help me feel safe.
I recognize that fear that when things are going better, we look for the bad, and expect it to happen because in our minds it seems to always happen to us. And it does and it doesn't.
*****I hate the whole unconscious reenactment stuff. My whole marriage was a reenactment. This new relationship is so different because I'm different. But I think the wariness is justified and we are entitled to our fear. Somehow the stuff that happens is never little for us.
I was given this example the other day. At night when we can't sleep we hear creaks in our house and we think there's a burglar and we build it up in our mind. 99 times out of a 100 it's just the house settling or something like that, but people who have grown up with the constant expectation of bad things happening work themselves up 100 times to believe something bad is happening inside the house. Our adrenaline system gets going and our fight or flight mechanism goes into overdrive. We're always believing that the 1% is going to be true, rather than relaxing and accepting that MOST times bad things don't happen.
*********I really like thinking about it this way. I'm working on the relaxing part. I've started to say, "it is what it is" as a way of accepting those things I can't change. And I'm working on mindfulness - noticing the fear that comes in and using my connection to my therapist as a way to combat the fear. I'm less worried about getting in trouble for using him this way than I use to be.
That said, too, when we are off guard, memories do come up, and they come up again and again until we've exhausted them. That's just our way.
*****I haven't given up looking for a short cut or a different way. Being guarded is exhausting. I know so many people who are struggling to fill in the details of their abuse. I wish I couldn't. I'm haunted by the "why?" and "how could you do this?" that comes with the memories.
I don't want to sound Pollyannish, but you know that the memory has come up, maybe in part, because you are stronger to handle it.
******As true as this is, it really stinks. You start getting things back together and then wham - something else to deal with. I know nothing happens in isolation, but there ought to be a better system, don't you think?
And your T is there with you every step of the way, and always will be. But I think maybe he got caught up with the changes in your life and was helping you w/present day stuff. It's a parallel track running in our lives--dealing with our stuff and creating a new life. They will intersect at some point; I have to believe they will.
**********I hope you are right. He must be tired of these stories and of my tears. It is seems hugely unfair to be angry with him for something that is my responsibility. He pokes at the anger sometimes and wants me to express the irrational side of it - I'm mad at him for not being there when I was a little girl. He seems to think that if I can begin to share my past with someone who cares about me (beside him) then it will begin to create this intersection you write about. I won't have to keep so much hidden.
Take a deep breath and remember that he is, and always has been, there for you. He cares like few therapists I've ever heard about, so just trust.
************Thank you for saying this. He is extraordinary about stretching himself for me and yet maintaining the boundaries that work for us. We work off and on with the protector in the rocking chair metaphor and he never seems frightened that I will misinterpret what he is offering me. He told me recently, "your feelings don't make me nervous. This is a safe place - for both of us."
yes, I wrote a book. Sorry, but I don't want you to minimize the positive changes in your life. And yes, you can talk about sex and how to make it better. He will help you with that too, I am sure.
*****I guess I wrote a book back. Thank you for reminding me not to minimize the positive changes going on. I'm trying hard not to let the dark side take over again. I should post more about our discussions about sex, some of them are very funny. Like, he asked, "well, what do you like?" Me: "Like? As in, I like it to be over quick?" Him: "Well, I was sort of going for what feels good - what turns you on?" Me: "I can't tell you that." Him: "Why not? Is it a secret? If you can't tell me, how are you going to tell X?" Me: "You mean I have to TELL him? Can't you tell him?" Him: "OK, what's his number?" :)
Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 22:35:48
In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers » Daisym, posted by sunnydays on September 1, 2008, at 11:04:59
I hate it when we don't get back to something that I thought was really really important but don't have the courage to bring up a second time. I just recently this week brought up something that happened months ago that I haven't been able to bring up again until now. I sometimes get surprised that my T doesn't seem to 'get' how big certain things are to me.
*********We talked about this a long time this weekend. I totally understand that it is my responsibility to bring things up that I want to talk about. But when you drop something out there that is difficult and scary, I do think the therapist should at least provide openings for you to go back to it. To either say or show, "it was OK that you told me, we can talk about it and I don't think any less of you." I think this is particularly true for those of us who had mothers who were dismissing or unseeing. They never picked up the hints we were leaving that something bad was going on.It sounds like your T is beginning to show you he is human too, and that the idealization phase might be waning. This happened a lot recently with my T, and my T says that being able to show him anger like that is a sign that I am 'growing up' internally because it is acting more like a teenager with him and less like a little kid. And he says that is a good thing.
***********I'm pretty sure I stopped idealizing him a few years ago. We had a particularly bad period where my transference was over the top and he pushed back in a way that was hurtful. We learned a lot from that experience. And there has been another huge episode where his anger got away from him - not directed at me but at what happened to me. I actually went and got a consult about it. The therapist I talked with was wise enough to point out that this was an opportunity for me to stand up for myself with someone I cared about and tell them that their anger was scary. I've been angry with him plenty of times - I've quit therapy a number of times and I tell him frequently how much I hate that his wife works right next door. This is a much too human quality.But I know how very hard it is to have something like that that you need to talk about it and they can't just read your mind or they make a mistake and don't bring something up again. I'm glad you eventually were able to at least express the anger and were able to connect with him over the weekend.
*********I think they should teach this is school - mind reading for therapists. Seriously though, I do think it is great that he will take ownership of his part of the ruptures or will say when he makes a mistake. I know many therapists think calling the client is bad or wrong or whatever. It works for me and it makes things more even somehow.
You will figure it out. Isn't 'rupture and repair' supposed to be one of those healing things about therapy? It's so hard on us, though, I kind of wish it could always be perfect and good.
You are so brave, Daisy. Your T can handle this new memory, and you two will work past the rupture. You can do it! Keep on keeping on.
********I don't know about brave, Sunny. I feel sort of desperate half the time. I have to tell him because it is too hard not to. And it is so lonely to keep all these things inside - it feels too much like the way it was. I really hope we can handle this new memory together, it is a pretty bad one. I need less rupture this week and more repair. I suspect that is up to me.
Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 22:37:53
In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers, posted by Phillipa on September 1, 2008, at 13:00:25
I'm absolutely sure you are right - my unconscious is afraid and reacting in a negative way. But I think it is a lot of complicated factors. And I think it is hard for lots of survivors to be happy - we are just hoping for not being unhappy, if that makes sense.
Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 23:00:03
In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers » Daisym, posted by Tamar on September 1, 2008, at 16:26:55
It's so great that you met someone! And yeah, I've noticed too that just as things start feeling a bit better, something comes out of (what seems like) nowhere and hits me in the guts. I tend to hope it's because I'm in a better place to be able to deal with it, but it doesn't usually feel that way.
********I suspect this is somewhat true in this case. I've been holding things off all summer because I've been injured. Now that my body is healing, my mind is taking its turn again. I wish I didn't still feel in parts and pieces, I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever go away.
I'm so glad your therapist realised what was wrong without your having to spell it out to him. Mine does that sometimes, and it makes life a bit more bearable. (When he doesn't realise, it takes me months to bring it up again.)
********I'm glad too. I think this is one of those things that could have gone away again but it would have fueled a big depression. I keep asking myself why I haven't learned that bringing stuff up is easier for both of us than me stewing about something privately. After all, isn't that why we go to therapy? (She says to herself pointedly.)
I admire his description of what went wrong: that he dissociated away from the memory with you. I think that makes a lot of sense. I can also imagine he was very happy for you for your new relationship and that, perhaps like you, it seemed unfair to him that you had this awful memory just when things were seeming better. And at the same time, a patient's new relationship can also cause changes in the countertransference, so maybe he needed to adjust to that a little.
**********I think we are both struggling with this a bit. Somehow I want him to be protective and jealous at the same time. And someone else suggested that perhaps I'm being mysterious with my therapist a bit - kind of like practice flirting. And I think he does feel protective and even a bit anxious for me. He doesn't want me to push myself too hard and get triggered badly. And he doesn't want me to hold back from an opportunity that may well be a lot of fun. Go slow, he keeps saying. I expressed some fears about losing him because things were better and he said that I might be surprised by the new needs for him - good things need processing too.
You know, I've never imagined you as a difficult patient. Of course your material is sometimes horrific, but your own bravery in facing it is undoubtedly a source of inspiration to your therapist. You're so courageous and committed to the therapeutic work that I always imagine your therapist must find working with you very rewarding, and I'm sure he admires you enormously.
******Thank you. On occasion my therapist will remind me that I haven't trashed my life and that the work I do makes a difference. I think I'm difficult in several ways but perhaps challenging is a better word. :) Studying mental health and wellness, particularly trauma in children, has given me a new vocabulary and understanding of theory. And yet when I feel young and small, everything I know goes out the window. I wonder if he finds that odd or frustrating? Mainly, it is the suicidal feelings that I think are enormously hard for him. We've come to understand that most of the feelings are old and are from parts that want the pain to end. But when they are activated, his anxiety goes up, which he freely admits.
btw - it is nice to see you here. I'm sorry to read you are struggling at the moment. Sounds like you are still with the same therapist - which is a good thing, yes? I had occasion to think about our long thread about touch recently. I've never forgotten the importance of the handshake you wrote about. I'm glad I get the opportunity to thank you for that exchange. It has informed some of the choices I've made about how I work with moms and babies.
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 20:07:29
In reply to An Update - long, mild triggers, posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 2:00:17
Hi Daisy,
I am a much harder patient to deal with than you are. If I were my therapist I'd have pulled all my hair out by now.
I am so glad your T realized what you were upset about and that he needs you to say what you're thinking. Now, if only he could find a way to make that easier, right?
As my T reminds me, I've had a hard life and it wasn't of my choosing and yet I keep going on. Keep going on, Daisy, and good luck with your "crush."
Poet
Posted by DAisym on September 3, 2008, at 15:31:09
In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers » Daisym, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 20:07:29
Speaking as an over-achiever, I never thought I'd be the best of the worst. I'm sure you aren't. From what you've said, your therapist seems to genuinely enjoy you. Everyone goes at their own pace. You are telling her slowly. She accepts your pace. I imagine if I was going once a week, I'd have a much harder time telling him anything. It takes me a day to work up to it, a day to say it, a day to process what I said and the last day to test him and make sure what I told him was OK.
I struggle with this: while what happened wasn't my choosing, remembering and talking about it is. I sometimes wonder if this is another form of self-harm - the pain of remembering over and over again. I guess I should talk about this...
Thanks for the support, as always.
This is the end of the thread.
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