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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
I don't know how to say this, but I want to. I'm tired of dancing around it and pretending it isn't there. I was sexually abused as a child.
We finally talked about it today directly in therapy. I finally said it. No I don't have specific memories of it, just flashes and no it's not like I just all of a sudden remembered it. It's been there all along. All the symptoms, all the fear, all of it. I just couldn't believe it. Just wouldn't believe it. But i've finally "touched" it so to speak. Brought it to light. I endured sexual abuse as a child. There I said it again.
As if the violence that I do remember weren't enough.
My therapist, as always was very supportive. He thinks it is very enouraging that I'm finally able to look at it. It's unspeakable to me.
I understand that he is optimistic, and I understand the he is glad this is finally out. He remarked in last weeks session that he had just been waiting all these years, not pushing, not suggesting, just hoping that I would trust him enough to let him in.
I was reminded of the legendary phoenix that periodically bursts into flames and then is rebourne from the ashes. I wonder how the phoenix feels about that. I wonder if it hurts for it to have to burst into flames like that in order to be rebourne. I wonder if he just wants it over. We look at it has a picture of hope and rebirth. I wonder if the phoenix looks at it the same way? or sees it as another round of pain that is to be endured.
I told my T this.
I don't remember much else about the session except making him promise that he wouldn't leave me or hurt me (how childish, but I felt so vulnerable right then).
I don't know what else to say, or what I want other people to say. I guess I just want a record. An anonymous record of what happened to me.
I don't know what kind of responses I want either. I very agitated, so please be gentle.
I think I am going to take a nap.
Seldom.
Posted by star008 on April 14, 2008, at 17:21:27
In reply to Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
I think I know how you feel seldom.. I "know" that I was abused too.. I have the feelings, the yucky feelings.. I don't remember specific things but somewhere I know it happened.. I don't know what or how bad it was.. But it is all bad, isn't it?? It is unspeakable..Youre right..
The poor phoenix. You don't have to crash and burn like him though. It does hurt and feels really yuck..That is the only word I have to describe it,. take care of yourself
Posted by sunnydays on April 14, 2008, at 17:39:53
In reply to Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
((((seldom))))
You were very very brave today. Admitting out loud that you were abused is very difficult - it took me a long time to be able to physically say the words - they just wouldn't come out of my mouth. It was very brave of you to say it. Your T sounds great, and it sounds like you are safe there and that he is there to help you with whatever comes up. It will hurt for a while, having just said this, and there may be more memories and symptoms for a while, but you will get through it. Your T will help you.
It took a lot of courage to say what you said. Saying it out loud makes it 'real'. Try to be gentle with yourself and let yourself rest - it is physically and emotionally draining to say something like that.
Good job!
sunnydays
Posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 18:28:42
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger. » seldomseen, posted by star008 on April 14, 2008, at 17:21:27
I brought the phoenix up in therapy because I wanted my therapist to know, that yes this is breakthrough, but it hurts too.
Oh, I don't know. I just feel bad and his optimism didn't make me feel any better.
Although I doubt he could have made me feel any better at all.
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 18:32:08
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger. » seldomseen, posted by sunnydays on April 14, 2008, at 17:39:53
saying it to my T made it very real. I also had to talk about it, becuase of some very very real SI feelings I was controlling.
Boy I went downhill FAST! I guess when you are ready to get something out, here it comes. You really don't have any control over it.
Maybe that was what the player piano was about in my dream (see above). This story was coming out and I didn't have to do a thing.
Seldom.
Posted by star008 on April 14, 2008, at 18:36:11
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger. » star008, posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 18:28:42
I think he was optimistic since it is a breakthrough for you. I have heard that the mind won't let you touch the stuff you aren't ready to handle so this is probably a good thing even though it feels so terrible.. My T can't help me to feel any better either..It seems like healing from abuse is one you have to do alone even though there is support around.. make sense?? I don't know.. Keep going.. you will get through this.. it is just awful, i know..
Posted by Angela2 on April 14, 2008, at 18:41:02
In reply to Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
Seldom, I don't think it's childish to say that to your T at all. Especially under the circumstances of the session. taking a nap sounds good. I hope you feel better now.
Posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 19:36:26
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by Angela2 on April 14, 2008, at 18:41:02
((((((seldom))))))
Please take care of yourself, I know you are going through a very hard time right now. Please keep writing and talking to your T, it is very crucial right now. You have support from me anytime. Just hug that piggy, I think they can understand somehow.
You have been through a huge breakthrough or in a way a breakdown of defenses to allow the truth to rise up from you. The truth hurts like hell I know, but it also will help you heal. You can't heal if you don't know what to heal from.
I know you have a great T, he has known you for a long time, contact him if you need to , schedule more appointments, etc. I know he will do what he can for you.
You such a wonderful person and you deserve some of your good natured love right now. You are one of the best, you deserve to free yourself from all that pain, but it will take time. I am sure there is some relief that you are not feeling emotionally, but I bet your body feels the release, the stuff that has been held prison, poisoning from within. Keep yourself safe, but feel what you need to, sadness, rage, whatever. Keep in touch...I care a lot about you.
Posted by Annierose on April 14, 2008, at 19:58:27
In reply to Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
Thinking of you. I want you to know how much courage it takes to share this information. I'm glad your t was able to hold your hand and walk beside you. He sounds very special.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 14, 2008, at 20:37:26
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by Annierose on April 14, 2008, at 19:58:27
Seldom,
you are a brave person. I'm glad you had the courage to come out and talk about this, both to us and your T. Remember that it may feel worse before it feels better, and that "progress" is nonlinear.Whatever you have done | whoever you are that has gotten you this far in life, doesn't change with this new knowledge. You still exist, even as the phoenix is reborn he is still a phoenix. You aren't a different or marked or flawed person in any way.
be kind to yourself, and reach out if the self-injury stuff becomes too seductive and powerful.
gently gently
-Ll
Posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 7:20:36
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by Angela2 on April 14, 2008, at 18:41:02
well, I feel more normal now I guess. Kind of like a worm in hot ashes, so I am going to ask those around me to be very gentle today.
They may think I'm crazy, but I don't care.
Posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 7:43:12
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by Happyflower on April 14, 2008, at 19:36:26
Thank you for your kind words. Right now, I don't necessarily feel relief, but it is rather like I have just exhaled a very deep breath. My chest feels lighter
Yeah my T is great guy, but I'm not sure how much he can help me right now. I've got to process this myself I guess without completely disengaging from my life.
But maybe I will call him and see if we can talk a little bit everyday. Just to check in. I'm still not sure what I want from him.
I didn't sleep well at all last night, so that's going to make a challenge I'm sure.
I'll keep you posted.
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 7:46:51
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by Annierose on April 14, 2008, at 19:58:27
Frankly, he seems happy - maybe a little too happy. I know he was glad to see me break through and trust him enough for this.
Thanks for your comments.
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 7:48:42
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by llurpsienoodle on April 14, 2008, at 20:37:26
I still exist. That's going to be my mantra for the day. I still exist.
Seldom.
Posted by raisinb on April 15, 2008, at 8:18:30
In reply to Re: Therapy today. CSA trigger. » llurpsienoodle, posted by seldomseen on April 15, 2008, at 7:48:42
I wanted to express how much I admire your courage and how well you're dealing with this.
From Beloved--"Anything coming back to life hurts." I'm sure the phoenix is in excruciating pain, too.
Posted by Dinah on April 16, 2008, at 7:25:56
In reply to Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
I think it's so wonderful that you were able to confront the giant piano in your bedroom. Maybe in your next dream it will change from being a player piano to one that has less ability to make music on its own.
Please be gentle with yourself, and maybe take extra time to do relaxation work?
Posted by Kath on April 18, 2008, at 22:43:03
In reply to Therapy today. CSA trigger., posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
Hi Seldomseen,
I've just read your original post in this thread.
I'm too tired to read the rest of them, but I want you to know that I was also abused as a child. As far as I know, one time, & even that had a huge impact on my life.
I am very sorry that you were abused as a child. No child deserves to be hurt in any way. You did not deserve to be hurt. I am sorry that you were.
I am so glad that you have what sounds like a very kind, caring, skilled therapist.
I send you my love, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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