Posted by seldomseen on April 14, 2008, at 16:02:51
I don't know how to say this, but I want to. I'm tired of dancing around it and pretending it isn't there. I was sexually abused as a child.
We finally talked about it today directly in therapy. I finally said it. No I don't have specific memories of it, just flashes and no it's not like I just all of a sudden remembered it. It's been there all along. All the symptoms, all the fear, all of it. I just couldn't believe it. Just wouldn't believe it. But i've finally "touched" it so to speak. Brought it to light. I endured sexual abuse as a child. There I said it again.
As if the violence that I do remember weren't enough.
My therapist, as always was very supportive. He thinks it is very enouraging that I'm finally able to look at it. It's unspeakable to me.
I understand that he is optimistic, and I understand the he is glad this is finally out. He remarked in last weeks session that he had just been waiting all these years, not pushing, not suggesting, just hoping that I would trust him enough to let him in.
I was reminded of the legendary phoenix that periodically bursts into flames and then is rebourne from the ashes. I wonder how the phoenix feels about that. I wonder if it hurts for it to have to burst into flames like that in order to be rebourne. I wonder if he just wants it over. We look at it has a picture of hope and rebirth. I wonder if the phoenix looks at it the same way? or sees it as another round of pain that is to be endured.
I told my T this.
I don't remember much else about the session except making him promise that he wouldn't leave me or hurt me (how childish, but I felt so vulnerable right then).
I don't know what else to say, or what I want other people to say. I guess I just want a record. An anonymous record of what happened to me.
I don't know what kind of responses I want either. I very agitated, so please be gentle.
I think I am going to take a nap.
Seldom.
poster:seldomseen
thread:823270
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/823270.html