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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 0:00:53
I hope you are all doing well. I'm not doing so hot.
I think maybe the road to well is paved with good intentions.
I ran out of intentions. What is that place called, where agency ends?
I can't even start to describe what's the matter with me.
I told my current bestfriend that I had been depressed and in the hospital. She told me that she had been raped. (((((((((friend)))))))))))
I wish all the hurt had never happened.
And before she came over I decided to go to a dark place and read pseudoname's last bmails to me. (((((((((((pseudo)))))))))))
I wish I had enough tears. I don't even want to allow myself to cry for fear that I would die of loss of sodium.
I wish my headache would remit, even for a few hours. 108 hours and counting.
lurped. out.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 6:38:17
In reply to feeling fragile *triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 0:00:53
hey llurpy
your headache might go away if you do mindfulness stuff.Pema Chödron. "When things fall apart"
says "lean into the pain" meaning find the pain and GO there. It usually works. But first I have to locate my naproxen.
Moving sux. I don't even know where my headache med is. I fear this is gonna turn migraineous and I'll be barfing.
Today I see T. maybe he can get me straightened out. I like when he says "I guess there's a little fine-tuning we can do for next time" meaning that I'm essentially okay except for a tweak here and there.
ll
Posted by Dinah on April 7, 2008, at 9:07:48
In reply to Re: feeling fragile *triggers » llurpsienoodle, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 6:38:17
Are you being totally honest with your therapist about how bad you're feeling? Or are you putting up a brave show?
A bit of tweaking is an odd thing for a therapist to say. Or does he prescribe your meds as well? Meds tweaking sounds like something they'd say, and it doesn't mean they think you're necessarily doing ok. It might mean more that he thinks they should give this lot of medications a try for a while longer.
Hearing more bad news when you're already feeling bad is always difficult.
But maybe it's wise to stay away from things that might be triggering, at least for a while?
With headaches, I try to lie flat in a darkened room and consciously relax all the muscles of my face and neck and shoulders. To check for my characteristic head tilt. When I'm feeling upset, my head tilt exaggerates to where it seems my ear is on my shoulder, and my muscles get very tense. To make sure I'm not tightening my eyes or grinding my teeth. And to practice pain blocking. This is easier to do with areas further away from my head than my head, but it works sometimes.
I picture the pain impulses running to my brain, and place a wall between the impulses and my brain, so that the pain isn't able to get to the place where the impulses will be transmitted to my awareness. My son prefers using a band of rubber to a wall, so that the pain impulses are sent back. When it's my head that's hurting, I also visualize calming those neurons to keep them from firing.
And then of course there's medication. I take Frova.
Llurpsie, this is absolutely none of my business, and I know nothing whatsoever about drugs other than my own experiences, so take it with a grain of salt. But Wellbutrin, while it made me feel better in some ways, also set up a low level agitation that made my suicidal and self injury thoughts a lot worse. That's just me. I tend more to anxiety than depression and I'm supersensitive to meds. But I was just wondering if there was any correlation between beginning to take Wellbutrin and feeling really bad.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 9:27:13
In reply to Re: feeling fragile *triggers » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dinah on April 7, 2008, at 9:07:48
> Are you being totally honest with your therapist about how bad you're feeling? Or are you putting up a brave show?
yes, well-- T says he can tell in my eyes that I'm doing well/not. I think my eyes don't lie, at least not today. I look like hell!
>
> A bit of tweaking is an odd thing for a therapist to say. Or does he prescribe your meds as well? Meds tweaking sounds like something they'd say, and it doesn't mean they think you're necessarily doing ok. It might mean more that he thinks they should give this lot of medications a try for a while longer.no, he's just a T. I know more about psychopharm than he does. it IS an odd thing for a T to say. That's why I noticed it.
>
> Hearing more bad news when you're already feeling bad is always difficult.
>yeah. I have known for some time that my friend was one step away from crisis. I've tried to make it easier for her to seek help. I know she had a rough childhood and that her dad is coming to visit soon, but this rape was really surprising and shocking. I don't know how to process.
> But maybe it's wise to stay away from things that might be triggering, at least for a while?
probably. I shouldn't be looking through the archives trying to find upsetting incidents. I guess
>
> With headaches, I try to lie flat in a darkened room and consciously relax all the muscles of my face and neck and shoulders. To check for my characteristic head tilt. When I'm feeling upset, my head tilt exaggerates to where it seems my ear is on my shoulder, and my muscles get very tense. To make sure I'm not tightening my eyes or grinding my teeth. And to practice pain blocking. This is easier to do with areas further away from my head than my head, but it works sometimes.
>
> I picture the pain impulses running to my brain, and place a wall between the impulses and my brain, so that the pain isn't able to get to the place where the impulses will be transmitted to my awareness. My son prefers using a band of rubber to a wall, so that the pain impulses are sent back. When it's my head that's hurting, I also visualize calming those neurons to keep them from firing.
>that sounds good. I was able to relax the head muscles, which brought some relief. Found that the actual "ache" is in the left back part of my neck. it's getting better since I took naproxen about an hour ago. I no longer feel like I will vomit from the pain. that's something...\
> And then of course there's medication. I take Frova.
>
> Llurpsie, this is absolutely none of my business, and I know nothing whatsoever about drugs other than my own experiences, so take it with a grain of salt. But Wellbutrin, while it made me feel better in some ways, also set up a low level agitation that made my suicidal and self injury thoughts a lot worse.Ive been posting a bit on the /medication/ board lately. The wellbutrin is prob helping my anxiety, which is quite amazing, given that my previous trial on the drug led to staying up for 84 hours straight.
Re. suicidal thoughts and such. They were so bad about 5 days into starting wellbutrin that I thought I would take an overdose of 3 sedating meds to fall asleep and make it go away. hence llurpsie in the hospital. Believe it or not, most of the suicidal ideation is gone. Except when I'm triggered.
>That's just me. I tend more to anxiety than depression and I'm supersensitive to meds. But I was just wondering if there was any correlation between beginning to take Wellbutrin and feeling really bad.
Thank you for your input Dinah. the pain relief stuff sounds good.
-Ll
Posted by sunnydays on April 7, 2008, at 10:26:03
In reply to Re: feeling fragile *triggers » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dinah on April 7, 2008, at 9:07:48
Oooooh.... I didn't realize you were taking Wellbutrin. Could the headache be related to that? When I started taking Wellbutrin, I couldn't move my head because it felt like the room was spinning even when I was sitting still. Might be something to ask your pdoc about if the headache doesn't go away, because I had a really bad experience.
I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy. Try to take it easy on yourself. I understand the attraction to reading dark things when you feel dark, but it might not be best right now.
Take care,
sunnydays
Posted by MidnightBlue on April 7, 2008, at 10:27:35
In reply to feeling fragile *triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 0:00:53
LL,
Sorry you are hurting so much. I had a feeling you were not doing well. Please take care of yourself.
MB
Posted by Happyflower on April 7, 2008, at 11:34:07
In reply to feeling fragile *triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 0:00:53
Hi Li,
Maybe it would be a good time to call your T. Sometimes good intentions are too hard to have when you are just trying to survive, makes one tired of trying. Let others take care of you, call your T.
Posted by Phillipa on April 7, 2008, at 12:07:10
In reply to Re: feeling fragile *triggers, posted by Happyflower on April 7, 2008, at 11:34:07
Li I have to admit I do agree with Dinah on the wellbutrin. Made my anxiety so bad I was hospitalized. Thought I was manic. Was on it one week they took me off it. Hope you're a bit better now. Phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on April 7, 2008, at 13:01:41
In reply to feeling fragile *triggers, posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 0:00:53
Dearest Llurpsienoodle, I'm sorry that you're not doing so well. Me neither, though I'm still putting that one foot in front of the other. Lucky me hasn't tripped yet :-)
I hope that you don't rely completely on having your T read your face in order to see how well or not you are doing - I spent a lot of time today with my therapist talking about how I abruptly realized the other day that I could use a four letter word to describe how I felt about myself - hate - and how much that frightened me, that I could feel so very strongly about myself. It was a galvanizing moment in therapy, and I'm glad I didn't leave it up to the mutely miserable expression on my face to be read, but choked the words out of myself. Cathartic.
I also realized then that I was struggling finding the right words to give others support here - and was encouraged by my T to not try to find those "right" ones, but just to offer the ones that I have. I hear you - I am sorry you are struggling. I don't think we can do all this hard work all by ourselves.
CS
Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 14:35:15
In reply to Re: feeling fragile *triggers, posted by Happyflower on April 7, 2008, at 11:34:07
Had a good session today. I couldn't much string words together. I just told him how much I had been thinking about mental illness as a choice we make (the theme of last week's session) and how it made me feel like a malingerer. He did most of the talking. (he's so eloquent- I can just listen all day...)
He told me over and over that I was a kind, nice, benign young woman and that I didn't need to beat myself up everytime that something bad happened to me. he even used the word "sweet" (OMG) I'm the younger version of a sweet old woman!)
That I have a way of moralizing everything that happens around me-- (is that even a verb?) if something bad happens to me, it's because I'm a basically flawed human being.
I have this friend who is a gifted person-reader. She can size up a person in about 2 minutes worth of interview. She seems to really care about me and think highly of me, though we've only known each other for a few months. She's coming for dinner in a few days and I have this reckless urge to leave my antipsychotic meds strewn about the place and my hospital bills lying on the table. So that she'll see the "real ME"
But T keeps redirecting me- telling me that the REAL me is the one who is competent, intelligent, kind, nice, helpful, (can someone make him SHHHhhh?!)
Telling me that yes, my friend IS gifted, and yes I AM worth her [friend's] while. That my lens is distorted. yes. my lens is distorted. (which, btw is amenable to "work")
The other thing that's amenable to work is that tendency to add a layer of neurotic self-doubt and self-blame on everything that I do (mistake-wise, especially) and on bad things that happen to me (especially as they impact areas that I consider my "strengths").
Then I tried hard to convince him what an evil person I was, at my core, by confessing the most dreadful things I had ever done to hurt another person. He was nonplussed. Wanted a few more details, but I could tell that I wasn't impressing him.
Recurring theme- my fear of going to therapy. why?
1) I'm scared that [I'll become dependent --but we save that theme for next time] I'll get better and I'll have to give up therapy. He says not to worry- insurance will still pay for it as long as I have a Dx. Well, hell, as long as he's willing to write me up a treatment plan for a psychiatric condition that is well managed by meds and yours truly. sure. go ahead. hmph. So maybe I was concocting that all in my head?
2) I'm scared that there are more dark shadows in the closet. T again reiterated that he thinks that most of the major ones were out there already, and that whatever is left is merely bad dreams, not bad history. Had me go through different "worst-case" scenarios. What if you did X to someone (yes, we actually did this little exercise); would you deserve to die? no! you made a mistake. Refers to an earlier conversation about one of his [former?] clients who was in jail for 9 years after stabbing beloved daughter in a psychotic episode. We agreed that even that guy deserved to live, and heal and get better. So I suppose the moral of the story is that my offenses to society pale in comparison, ergo I deserve to live. hmph
3. Scared of somehow disappointing T. We talked about how I always seem so careful and poised, and how he'd like to see more of a psychopath (haha) in me (with a twinkle in his eye). Telling me that I don't have to be "the best version of myself" in front of him. I guess he's seen all kinds of folks in his career. Why do I need to be perfect around him?
**********
I like how he is very forthcoming about details in his own life. Sometimes I will ask him a direct question "how old is your daughter" and he will actually tell me. (now I'm all freaked out that he has father/daughter countertransference-- fodder for next next week's session?). We've talked before about how careful I am with boundaries, too careful, and that I wouldn't be able to trust him fully unless I tested him (maybe by flipping out and cursing him in the process? psychosis in the office? chair hurling? what does he have in mind? a reinactment of KK humping me? lol)***********
Thank you all for your caring and concern. Sick llurpsie says "I don't deserve it. I deserve to die". Well llurpsie says "These folks must see something worthwhile in me or else they wouldn't have responded so thoughtfully.
which side to believe. I suppose the latter.
-Ll
Posted by seldomseen on April 7, 2008, at 16:55:46
In reply to Re: feeling fragile *triggers, posted by Happyflower on April 7, 2008, at 11:34:07
In clinical medicine there is this concept of a pearl - a nugget of advice so profoundly true, that it is immediately recognized valuable.
"Maybe it would be a good time to call your T. Sometimes good intentions are too hard to have when you are just trying to survive, makes one tired of trying. Let others take care of you, call your T. "
This is, in my opinion, a true pearl of wisdom.
You ARE a wonderful person, hospital bills, pill bottles, KK hump fodder and all. You deserve to be helped and loved.
Seldom.
Posted by Phillipa on April 7, 2008, at 19:15:58
In reply to A true pearl from happyflower., posted by seldomseen on April 7, 2008, at 16:55:46
I second that!!!! Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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