Posted by llurpsienoodle on April 7, 2008, at 14:35:15
In reply to Re: feeling fragile *triggers, posted by Happyflower on April 7, 2008, at 11:34:07
Had a good session today. I couldn't much string words together. I just told him how much I had been thinking about mental illness as a choice we make (the theme of last week's session) and how it made me feel like a malingerer. He did most of the talking. (he's so eloquent- I can just listen all day...)
He told me over and over that I was a kind, nice, benign young woman and that I didn't need to beat myself up everytime that something bad happened to me. he even used the word "sweet" (OMG) I'm the younger version of a sweet old woman!)
That I have a way of moralizing everything that happens around me-- (is that even a verb?) if something bad happens to me, it's because I'm a basically flawed human being.
I have this friend who is a gifted person-reader. She can size up a person in about 2 minutes worth of interview. She seems to really care about me and think highly of me, though we've only known each other for a few months. She's coming for dinner in a few days and I have this reckless urge to leave my antipsychotic meds strewn about the place and my hospital bills lying on the table. So that she'll see the "real ME"
But T keeps redirecting me- telling me that the REAL me is the one who is competent, intelligent, kind, nice, helpful, (can someone make him SHHHhhh?!)
Telling me that yes, my friend IS gifted, and yes I AM worth her [friend's] while. That my lens is distorted. yes. my lens is distorted. (which, btw is amenable to "work")
The other thing that's amenable to work is that tendency to add a layer of neurotic self-doubt and self-blame on everything that I do (mistake-wise, especially) and on bad things that happen to me (especially as they impact areas that I consider my "strengths").
Then I tried hard to convince him what an evil person I was, at my core, by confessing the most dreadful things I had ever done to hurt another person. He was nonplussed. Wanted a few more details, but I could tell that I wasn't impressing him.
Recurring theme- my fear of going to therapy. why?
1) I'm scared that [I'll become dependent --but we save that theme for next time] I'll get better and I'll have to give up therapy. He says not to worry- insurance will still pay for it as long as I have a Dx. Well, hell, as long as he's willing to write me up a treatment plan for a psychiatric condition that is well managed by meds and yours truly. sure. go ahead. hmph. So maybe I was concocting that all in my head?
2) I'm scared that there are more dark shadows in the closet. T again reiterated that he thinks that most of the major ones were out there already, and that whatever is left is merely bad dreams, not bad history. Had me go through different "worst-case" scenarios. What if you did X to someone (yes, we actually did this little exercise); would you deserve to die? no! you made a mistake. Refers to an earlier conversation about one of his [former?] clients who was in jail for 9 years after stabbing beloved daughter in a psychotic episode. We agreed that even that guy deserved to live, and heal and get better. So I suppose the moral of the story is that my offenses to society pale in comparison, ergo I deserve to live. hmph
3. Scared of somehow disappointing T. We talked about how I always seem so careful and poised, and how he'd like to see more of a psychopath (haha) in me (with a twinkle in his eye). Telling me that I don't have to be "the best version of myself" in front of him. I guess he's seen all kinds of folks in his career. Why do I need to be perfect around him?
**********
I like how he is very forthcoming about details in his own life. Sometimes I will ask him a direct question "how old is your daughter" and he will actually tell me. (now I'm all freaked out that he has father/daughter countertransference-- fodder for next next week's session?). We've talked before about how careful I am with boundaries, too careful, and that I wouldn't be able to trust him fully unless I tested him (maybe by flipping out and cursing him in the process? psychosis in the office? chair hurling? what does he have in mind? a reinactment of KK humping me? lol)***********
Thank you all for your caring and concern. Sick llurpsie says "I don't deserve it. I deserve to die". Well llurpsie says "These folks must see something worthwhile in me or else they wouldn't have responded so thoughtfully.
which side to believe. I suppose the latter.
-Ll
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:821980
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/822061.html