![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 18:31:02
Hi,
First, I'm new here! I'll do my best not to screw up. Please forgive me if I make mistakes while I'm learning the ropes.
I'm thinking about the need for attachment. The need to feel loved. Perhaps they are not the same. Specifically I am thinking about the old psychology research finding, that baby monkeys will prefer a "warm" cloth-covered substitute mother to a "cold" wire substitute, even when the wire substitute dispenses milk.
Simplifying and generalizing, the basic idea is: we want love a whole lot, maybe even more than food. It is a basic drive.
And then I was reading a book today that mentioned that no one really knows how to supply attachment needs, not even therapists.
So, my questions:
Should we expect therapists to meet attachments needs, or try to?
If our attachment needs weren't met in childhood, will they ever be met?
And, if so, how?I'm asking, as the adult child of a mother with a serious attachment pathology. I have trouble feeling loved. I'm in psychotherapy.
Thanks for reading,
BackseatD
Posted by B2chica on April 4, 2008, at 11:36:31
In reply to How do you get your attachment needs met?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 18:31:02
first Hi and Welcome.
wow, haven't thought of that study for a long time. you bring back memories of homework dayz!
i'm sorry i have no real answer for you. but i guess i can say. that i would think yes that you can find your needs through other relationships that you have in your life, such as friends, other relatives or significant other.
we just need to make sure they are balanced needs and not over compensated.Good Question!
b2c.
Posted by nfc on April 4, 2008, at 15:52:30
In reply to How do you get your attachment needs met?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 18:31:02
stick around your therapy for a while to build urself up and then start to give kindness to others while trying not to overdo it. it'll also depend on how u feel. whether ur up to the task or not. if u feel too needy and smother them then it might backfire. but its like give respect to get respect. alot of times ur nice to others and still they don't reciprocate so expect that too. make friends when u can. especially in therapy if possible. i found good friends in group therapy although now that therapy is done, we don't keep in touch anymore. but at the time it was great.
take care n keep us posted.
nfc
Posted by seldomseen on April 5, 2008, at 5:34:02
In reply to How do you get your attachment needs met?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 18:31:02
>Should we expect therapists to meet attachments needs, or try to?
If our attachment needs weren't met in childhood, will they ever be met?
And, if so, how?>Ultimately, I think attachment is a learned behaviour. While we may be programmed to respond to "soft touch", it is the reinforcement and consistency of that soft touch that allows the attachment to occur, become internalized and generalizable.
Except in the most extreme of cases, I think a therapist can, to some degree, help us to learn to attach by providing a measured amount of reinforcement and consistency in a relationship with another human.
I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read "it's never too late to have a happy childhood". I think there is some truth to that. However, as an adult, I think our response to nurturing is less automatic and more on the cognitive level. To me, attachment becomes more like a skill than a behaviour (if there is a difference).
Is there ever a true "replacement" for inconsistent reinforcement during childhood? Unfortunately, I think that answer is no, but I do think the skill of attachment can be mastered.
Seldom.
Posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 16:21:36
In reply to How do you get your attachment needs met?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 18:31:02
I doubt if I'm in much of a situation to be of much help, because my Mom was very loving - almost 'doting', but I will say, that by doing my own 'inner child' work (which includes drawing with coloured markers) I've done a LOT of nurturing of my child self.
Kath
PS - please feel free to ask me if you're interested.
PS2 - my Mom died when I was in my early 20's & it feels like she was snatched away from me. I know that's different from having a cold mother though.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 6, 2008, at 19:00:07
In reply to I have a different take on this. » backseatdriver, posted by seldomseen on April 5, 2008, at 5:34:02
Thank you so much - you've really given me a lot to think about.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 6, 2008, at 19:02:18
In reply to Re: How do you get your attachment needs met? » backseatdriver, posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 16:21:36
Thank you, Kath. Love the coloured markers. There's something to *vivid* expression.
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 6, 2008, at 19:04:04
In reply to Re: How do you get your attachment needs met?, posted by nfc on April 4, 2008, at 15:52:30
I think you make great points : you gotta give to get, and friends are important. (This board seems like a wonderfully friendly place, hoping to make friends here too. :))
Posted by backseatdriver on April 6, 2008, at 19:05:24
In reply to Re: How do you get your attachment needs met?, posted by B2chica on April 4, 2008, at 11:36:31
Thank you! I love your point about *balance*. I have an image of a teeter-totter that I'm going to keep in mind.
> first Hi and Welcome.
>
> wow, haven't thought of that study for a long time. you bring back memories of homework dayz!
>
> i'm sorry i have no real answer for you. but i guess i can say. that i would think yes that you can find your needs through other relationships that you have in your life, such as friends, other relatives or significant other.
> we just need to make sure they are balanced needs and not over compensated.
>
> Good Question!
> b2c.
>
Posted by B2chica on April 7, 2008, at 13:13:44
In reply to Re: How do you get your attachment needs met?, posted by backseatdriver on April 6, 2008, at 19:05:24
can i come on your teeter-totter!!
Posted by backseatdriver on April 7, 2008, at 13:42:55
In reply to Re: How do you get your attachment needs met? » backseatdriver, posted by B2chica on April 7, 2008, at 13:13:44
sure! but it's kind of ... teetery ... tottery ... :)
> can i come on your teeter-totter!!
>
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.