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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:05:45
being here by myself all the time, it's like I'm keeping people away, at bay, somehow, in my own personal Susan-like way I've kept people away. And it's interesting and sad and I don't like it. I don't think. Do I care? I don't really know. I think I do. I think it's important to be real and to be kept real by conversing with others, and I'm only always conversing with myself anymore. Sheesh what a drag. I'm so tired of flogging the same emotional boat, like a slave at the oars, no a whole galley of slaves, all marching to the same tune the same beat the same push pull, I'm so tired of all of this. When does it get better for me? When do I stop caring what anybody, a certain somebody, thinks of me? If it's the worst so what? How does that affect me in my life as I live it day to day? Why, and how, did I become a slave to the sound of his voice, the melody of his breathing in my ear, it's magic and dragon-like and it slays me every time, and I have to STOP because this is all just going to kill me if I don't.
I want to respect myself.
Posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:16:50
In reply to This board, this is the real aversion therapy, posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:05:45
I don't know how to respect myself, because I am a nobody who smokes pot, I smoke pot every day again, and I HATE that I seem to be addicted to it again, and I hate that my emotions are so hard to control and that I feel so flat without mj, I hate that I am a slave to this substance and I hate that I hang out with people, sometimes, who spend their whole lives being stoned, that is their way of Being, and I think how lucky I am that I live with my sister and I am restricted to how often I can be stoned, because invariably I'm sure they must be able to smell it on me when I come in, and I try so hard to be normal and then just close myself up in my room, lay my coat on the floor behind the door for extra privacy, open the window wide, breathe through my nose, chew gum, spray perfume .. and I feel so guilty and so bad .. and drink water, lots of water and I need to get some Visine right away to cover the redness of my cornea, the stoned look of my pupils, my eyes at half mast because I have overdone it again damn it, it was stronger than I knew and it just hit me like a hammer .... like a hammer, hammering away inside my skull, I AM A FAILURE i am a failure i am a failure, a failed human being, a jerk in disguise, and I think no, I am not I am a good and a nice decent loving kind person, and people's lives, there are people whose lives are BETTER because they know me, and I know that, and it doesn't matter what the f*ck c f*ck*ng whatever thinks. I feel so chained, so tied and I don't know why, I don't know why. He has lovely brown eyes, at times they were lovely, sometimes they were stricken and sometimes they were cold. Lots of times they were concerned. Now I'm sure they're judgmental, and worried, maybe angry and cold too.
I just don't want to care about knowing, anymore.
Posted by Sigismund on April 14, 2009, at 0:58:50
In reply to This board, this is the real aversion therapy, posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:05:45
Check out the Politics Board
Posted by Sigismund on April 14, 2009, at 0:59:27
In reply to Only I don't know how, posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:16:50
I wouldn't worry about any of that.
Posted by Sigismund on April 14, 2009, at 1:02:25
In reply to Only I don't know how, posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:16:50
Try eating it.
Posted by susan47 on April 15, 2009, at 0:17:41
In reply to Re: Only I don't know how, posted by Sigismund on April 14, 2009, at 1:02:25
That sounds like a good idea.
Posted by Sigismund on April 18, 2009, at 18:23:10
In reply to Only I don't know how, posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:16:50
I can actually enjoy it if I eat the right dose.
Posted by susan47 on April 18, 2009, at 23:51:01
In reply to Re: Only I don't know how, posted by Sigismund on April 18, 2009, at 18:23:10
I can't remember the side effects of eating it, do you get red dry eyes and dry mouth? I remember it seems to last a lot longer and there's less perceived control for me, which I found scary. But I find my moods get so stormy so suddenly lately, and I think I have to be more careful, less ambitious when it comes to the green stuff.
Oh dear.
Posted by Sigismund on April 20, 2009, at 21:56:42
In reply to Re: Only I don't know how » Sigismund, posted by susan47 on April 18, 2009, at 23:51:01
If you have a higher dose it will be trippy (and go on forever) which does not suit me.
I like to get the dose so it is (only) just above the threshold of awareness.
That way there is (for me) a mood elevating effect, and no red eyes or anything like that.
Posted by BayLeaf on April 25, 2009, at 19:18:36
In reply to Only I don't know how, posted by susan47 on April 14, 2009, at 0:16:50
It could me, but I think you are saying that you'd rather get through life w/o being wasted. You'd rather handle life and the carp that comes with it without the addition of chemicals.
It's VERY hard. VERY VERY hard. But it's possible.
I hope you can find a way to manage the emotions without the numbing.
Take care. emmy
Posted by Sigismund on April 27, 2009, at 3:21:32
In reply to Re: Only I don't know how » susan47, posted by BayLeaf on April 25, 2009, at 19:18:36
>manage the emotions without the numbing.
I wish it was better at numbing mine.
Posted by susan47 on April 30, 2009, at 0:34:23
In reply to Re: Only I don't know how » susan47, posted by BayLeaf on April 25, 2009, at 19:18:36
Thank you for your post to me. I did numb myself out for many years. And yes, it is extremely difficult to overcome an addiction. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to face emotions that seem unacceptable and frightening.
This is the end of the thread.
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