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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Toph on March 24, 2009, at 13:00:52
more than the dark,
painful depression
my lack of trust
breeds this obsessionmy mind deceives
gives false impression
plain lies to me
without discretionmy greatest fear
is this confession,
is my thought real
or false expression?
Posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 19:23:07
In reply to the usual suspect, posted by Toph on March 24, 2009, at 13:00:52
I think I really relate to this
I sometime can't tell what is real or what I am imagining when it comes to the motives of other people
Posted by Toph on March 24, 2009, at 22:49:31
In reply to Re: the usual suspect » Toph, posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 19:23:07
I guess I was a little ambiguous ob. I was feeling more like I have this sort of basic mistrust for reality that comes from self-doubt, having been psychotic and generally living in a mean world. You know, fun stuff like that.
Posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 23:41:27
In reply to Re: the usual suspect » obsidian, posted by Toph on March 24, 2009, at 22:49:31
for me I was thinking about being very, very afraid, and not being sure if it was unjustified to almost never trust anyone
Posted by Toph on March 25, 2009, at 7:42:36
In reply to Re: the usual suspect, posted by obsidian on March 24, 2009, at 23:41:27
Yeah, trust. It certainly is a factor in letting yourself become vulnerable and caring about someone. I guess you have to have faith that you can survive disappointment or betrayal.
Posted by susan47 on April 2, 2009, at 16:55:59
In reply to Re: the usual suspect » obsidian, posted by Toph on March 25, 2009, at 7:42:36
These are just thought forms, brought on by your state of mind. At the time. And sometimes my mind does this too, when I am coming down from a good toke, and I realize I was briefly living in a wonderful world only borne of my mind, because for a time everything was so special. and then there's the me that I became in the hospital, a month of walking brightly lit corridors, tracing the same path, the same groove in the floor, traced by those before me, and those that will follow as well, as I trace the grooves in my mind that tell me I failed, I'm a Life Failure, and I deserve this, I brought this somehow on myself because I am weak, so f*ck*ng weak I cannot stop myself from wanting more of life than I get every day, just like everyone else. Because some people are so able to live their lives without fear, or somehow overcome their fear and live a different life than they were headed for, something more purposeful, more exciting, more lonely and more alive than now ... and I want to be on the other side of the counter, that side thank you very much, when I was the one in control of myself, the one who was competent and able. And I realize that I can choose, if I want to choose to be normal I can do that, and now I have a new home.
A home away, far away from danger, where I live with people who care about me but who would honestly, if they really knew the other life I alswo live, be very angry, angry with me and themselves too, for being fooled.
Because I have become that, a magician, a trickster, someone who has more than one face. Only now I am learning to live with my face again, and I am learning that a friend is only a smile away though I am alone. And perhaps, perhaps I can forgive myself.
What shite. I need to get away from everything, to be completely alone, Alone with myself and your voice, the muse, thank you for allowing me a muse ....
And I think I hear, when you say "....hospital emergency room." , that the "room" kind of tapers off into a whisper, and the tone drops, your tone, it is telling that you understand what a hospital emergency room is like, what it is like to be admitted into Psych, to live in a world that is Other.
Posted by Toph on April 3, 2009, at 9:50:03
In reply to Disappointment and Betrayal, posted by susan47 on April 2, 2009, at 16:55:59
I've always enjoyed floating down the stream of your consciousness susan.
Posted by susan47 on April 3, 2009, at 23:23:47
In reply to Re: Disappointment and Betrayal » susan47, posted by Toph on April 3, 2009, at 9:50:03
Posted by susan47 on April 4, 2009, at 15:02:26
In reply to Re: Disappointment and Betrayal » susan47, posted by Toph on April 3, 2009, at 9:50:03
I've always enjoyed the fact that there're people out there who do that, who float down the stream I've conjured because it's their stream too, and they make it real for themselves because it's part of them too and I LOVE that you posted, I feel very alone here and I don't really like that so thanks.
***((()))*** (those are hugs and kisses)
Posted by Toph on April 4, 2009, at 19:21:27
In reply to Dear Toph, posted by susan47 on April 4, 2009, at 15:02:26
Five years is a lot of floating susan. I've always had a crush on you because you are the real deal. No pretenses or bullsh!t. Yeah, you're wacky and a stoner but you are smart and genuine and you have also supported a lot of people here. If I got rich, or had only a year to live or retired or something, I'd definitely drive up north and have a beer or a bowl or whatever and we'd talk and laugh and bitch all night. But since I'm stuck in this life, I'll just have to check in whenever you post.
Posted by susan47 on April 5, 2009, at 3:11:06
In reply to Re: Dear Toph » susan47, posted by Toph on April 4, 2009, at 19:21:27
Well I suspect being stuck is a state of mind. I hope your state Improves darling, I really really do. I want you to LOVE life; my suspicion is that this is all we have.
Posted by susan47 on April 10, 2009, at 20:01:51
In reply to Re: Dear Toph » susan47, posted by Toph on April 4, 2009, at 19:21:27
Hi, dear Toph, are you there? Someday I hope you read this, because I want to tell you what's happening in my life. You sound so down about yours. So I wanted to tell you what's different for me, right now, at this time... I've decided it's okay to love anyone I want to, if that is what I feel, I need to express it, and I've discovered that people Love when I do that, they really like it, and I've discovered that a friend is just a smile away, and I live five minutes' drive from a lovely river and a walk in the forest, and seeing deer and river otters and really cool stuff. And being alone with a dog in the forest is a wonderful time, and spending days at the river is soul-soothing. And a little toke doesn't have to mean the end of the world, it can be okay.
I'm going away next week, with a woman I met during my stay in the psych ward last year, who is younger than I am and going blind from a congenital eye condition and trying to cram in as much life as she can (incl. skydiving, and she said she's taking me and I have a feeling I won't have much choice because she's Determined ... I'm making a "bucket list" and I'm getting some of it done, and one day I'll be riding horses and that is just really cool, to think I'll be able to do that ....) before she's completely blind. I'm driving Anne and my 14 year-old daughter and a friend of hers, we're driving out to the west coast, to miles of sand and ocean and I really hope it's bright and sunny when we go, although for my friend it would be better if it were dark and gloomy because any exposure to light rays damages her vision and I think what a huge responsibility, to be her friend, to be someone who makes a difference to her, and I realize I am that, I am someone who's making a difference for someone who needs me. And it's fun, and I hope when she goes to Africa in July that she'll be okay, and have a good time. And maybe we'll end up sharing a place because we could help each other out, really. And she really wants that, to live with me (although I can't explain why she chose me, she just did and that's that) ... and I think she will like living here in my new town as much as I do, because I discovered that living in a place like this is really kind of cool. A few too many r*dn*cks, but that's what you get in the country.
I hope your life is better, I hope you're over grieving and that the sun is shining on you in a good way.
Love,
Susan
Posted by susan47 on April 11, 2009, at 14:41:25
In reply to Disappointment and Betrayal, posted by susan47 on April 2, 2009, at 16:55:59
about how normal you seem. I wonder what it's like to live in a constant, day-to-day world and be okay with that, to be able to go from yesterday to today to your possible/probable tomorrows, all pretty much planned and pretty much within sane limits. And I realize that no, you most likely don't know what it's like to be on a psych ward. You definitely don't know what it's like to have a professional explain to you that you have a mental illness, that depression is considered a mental illness, and you are an addict as well, although to many people marihuana poses no problem but to you for some reason it does; you need it .... you don't know what it's like to read a certain book and realize you're looking in a mirror, and the book is about forms of insanity ... borderline insanity, insanity of a borderline type ... you don't know what it's like to be ashamed of seeing who you could be, who you were at times.. you likely have no such qualms.
And so, how could you understand? Although I did nothing more than what I did and all of it is known, I have no secrets ... if that were true or if it were a lie, it would be no more than you have.
And so we are equal on the field of battle, you and I.
Posted by susan47 on April 12, 2009, at 14:58:13
In reply to Sometimes I wonder, posted by susan47 on April 11, 2009, at 14:41:25
Posted by susan47 on April 13, 2009, at 2:14:58
In reply to Sometimes I wonder, posted by susan47 on April 11, 2009, at 14:41:25
Posted by Damos on April 16, 2009, at 16:57:01
In reply to Or Not. (nm), posted by susan47 on April 13, 2009, at 2:14:58
Hey Susan,
My dear friend, most days I have trouble working out if I'm anyone, someone or no-one. So I hope it's okay if I continue to tag along.
I'm sorry this board isn't what it used to be - this place, and that so many of your posts go without reply. But Susan, your words do not go unread, your voice is not unheard, your thoughts and feelings do not pass unrecognised, your life does not go unacknowledged.
You have been, are, and continue to be my friend, and I thank you for that.
Damos
Posted by susan47 on April 18, 2009, at 23:46:30
In reply to Re: Or Not. » susan47, posted by Damos on April 16, 2009, at 16:57:01
Nice words, thanks for saying them. I'm in the midst of reading about a guy who committed a bunch of murders getting women on the internet. It's a fr*gg*ng sad world in a lot of ways. Today I went sea kayaking, woo hoo! And I have to go again and I have to make sure I get a kayak. I loved it. I love being on the ocean anyways. But I need to get further away from people. This weekend hasn't been far enough. I came to a place I remembered as being remote and wild, now it's just overrun like so many places in our world. Agh. It's torturous.
Posted by Damos on April 19, 2009, at 16:36:56
In reply to Hey. » Damos, posted by susan47 on April 18, 2009, at 23:46:30
Hey yourself. Sea Kayaking huh, I'm so pleased for you it sounds awesome. A couple of weeks ago I did a 1/2 day African drumming workshop. Amazing. It's one of the best things I've ever done. I might enrol in the 8 week course haven't decided yet. Yeah it's awful isn't it, going back to a place you remember as being beautiful and remote and finding it full of people and everything that goes with them. I understand that need Susan, more than you know. I really hope you find a place for you.
Posted by Sigismund on April 20, 2009, at 21:59:31
In reply to Re: Hey. » susan47, posted by Damos on April 19, 2009, at 16:36:56
African drumming workshop hey?
(They have this sort of thing here but I'm so careful about social events where something terrible might happen.)
What did you like about it so much?
Posted by susan47 on April 23, 2009, at 2:09:09
In reply to Re: Hey. » susan47, posted by Damos on April 19, 2009, at 16:36:56
When I was a kid, I was really very lucky because my dad always had boats and we went on holidays that were fairly remote and always interesting. I'm going to go back to doing what I love and start walk-in camping a bit further north on the coast; I know it's beautiful, and possibly remote enough for me. There's nothing like the natural world (fast disappearing) to ground me. And I want my children to know something besides city streets, shopping, tv, electronics. But so do a lot of people; there are too many people and I'm part of the problem...
Posted by susan47 on April 23, 2009, at 2:10:29
In reply to Re: Hey. » Damos, posted by Sigismund on April 20, 2009, at 21:59:31
Yes I'd like to know what you liked about the African drumming as well.
Posted by Damos on April 26, 2009, at 19:06:59
In reply to Re: Hey. Damos, posted by susan47 on April 23, 2009, at 2:10:29
Hi Sigi, Susan,
What did I like about the drumming workshop...everything!
Being me I was wound up tight as could be and very nearly didn't go. But it was fabulous, so much fun, and the sound of 15 of us drumming together (when we got our act together) was just amazing. We chanted, drummed (on Djembes, Duns and Bugaraboos), played various other percussion instruments (shakers, bells and clapping sticks etc), played different rhythm parts and laughed and laughed. It really was one of the best things I've ever done. And the best part? Absolutely no experience or talent required, somehow your inner funky thing just emerges (well kinda).
At the end we jammed for 5 or 10 minutes, a couple of people playing the rhythms we'd been taught on their drums, the rest playing the other pecussion instruments just however felt right or clapping or whatever and it was wondrous and kinda magical what emerged.
Sigi, all the fear was totally unwarranted. The group was a broad mix of ages, none of us had ever tried anything like it before and they were just nice people. I think it was Glasser who said that fun was a fundamental human need and he was right. And this was just plain fun. Completely losing the plot and your arms tying themselves in pretzels and then sitting there with your hands in the air like radar dishes trying to pick up the beat again, was both funny and fun and everyone was in the same boat.
It was one of those rare times when that negative voice in my head fell completely silent after about the first ten minutes or so.
Posted by Sigismund on May 8, 2009, at 18:03:51
In reply to Re: Hey. Damos » Sigismund » susan47, posted by Damos on April 26, 2009, at 19:06:59
(which is why holidays rather than hospitals should be available on the NHS) and I don't get nearly enough.
You've almost convinced me, Damos.
Perhaps it is not *completely* out of the question that I could do this too.I always imagine social situations have been designed to humiliate the few for the pleasure of the many.
This is the end of the thread.
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