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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by susan47 on January 30, 2008, at 13:33:36
You seemed to be so innocent, unassuming, sitting there.
Just sitting.
Just being.
Waiting.
Patient.
Kind.
Unlike your office self.
Wait.
No.
You were unapproachable then, too.
I see that now.
Posted by susan47 on January 30, 2008, at 20:39:12
In reply to So Innocent, posted by susan47 on January 30, 2008, at 13:33:36
Hey. You.
You have no idea how the sound of your voice affects me.
how it hits me in all the sweet spots.
you have no idea of the power in your voice, do you?
Do you?
I would hate to think you would withhold something as precious as the sound of water on stone, the sparkle of the brilliance of the sun hitting that sweet spot in your eye, the one that sets off heavens of lustre in the deepest part of your heart. I wouldn't want to wonder what the world would be like again, if that were withheld. The worst thing is to deny comfort to someone who needs it like they need to breathe. I'm so ashamed of that part of myself that I keep trying to kill it, to squelch the anger of my denied sexual self, and why do i feel so f*ck*ng Freudian about everything these days, what the archetypal hell am I living in? I mean, my whole sense of language feels distorted, there is no construct within which I can place my sense of self, the whole world is changing every night with every dream that places me closer to my dream-self. And I feel psychotic in a strange, unknown sense of the word, and I feel unwell, and unwelcome in any world except that of my mind's making.
I am beginning to feel Undone.
I remember his face.
I remember his eyes.
I remember.
I never want to forget.
I am afraid to let go, I am afraid to forget.
I am losing my self.
Posted by susan47 on February 25, 2008, at 19:50:08
In reply to Re: So Innocent, posted by susan47 on January 30, 2008, at 20:39:12
Hard to describe the undoing of oneself. Only present words are adequate, really. The past, the horrors of yesterday cannot be safely re-visited today. And in truth that day may never come. All the writing, all the outpourings of myself may never be told again, anymore, any way anyhow. It doesn't matter. It's one life among billions, and the only hope we have is the one-ness that we share, that that could be brought to light. To Light.
I sound insane.
Perhaps I really am.
That might be a relief.
But no, that is the crazy way of thinking, you see, that is the excuse used to give up responsibility, and I cannot do that.
One of my own life lessons is to bear responsibility.
Bear it, as I bore children, as my body knew what to do when my mind failed me, as it so often has.
I'm allowed to be wired differently.
I make no excuses, that is my birthright.
Do you know, I think I have successfully come undone, I hope I have parted ways successfully with my past self.
Please god, let me have that done, have done that, be done, all done. Not all done in, but be done.
There is so much work to do, now, to build a new person.
I don't know if it's possible.
Posted by susan47 on February 27, 2008, at 0:42:31
In reply to Well., posted by susan47 on February 25, 2008, at 19:50:08
It just has to be possible. I can't put everyone through this sh*t anymore, especially not myself. I don't want to be ruined, to be living in ruination, to be this thing I have become. Enough, I have had enough. No more. I can get back to wholeness again.
Posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:17:26
In reply to Re: Well., posted by susan47 on February 27, 2008, at 0:42:31
There is now holeness, i mean, No Wholeness there.
Nothing to go back to, it never was.
Wholeness has to be something I create from the brain of a two year-old, and I don't know how. I need help. I need a lot of help, perhaps more than I can have, i don't know i really do not know. I am trying to do that, i am trying to get help, and i know i'm the only one who understands, I am the Only One who really Knows myself, and what is going on in my mind, and i am the only one who can police herself. I have to trust myself, i trust myself. I trust me.
Posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:18:09
In reply to Strange, to see., posted by susan47 on March 4, 2008, at 19:17:26
And I won't let go, I will not let go of an image of Wholeness.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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