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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 10 to 34 of 47. Go back in thread:
Posted by Damos on June 5, 2007, at 20:03:01
In reply to Re: I'm still here, posted by susan47 on June 5, 2007, at 0:51:40
Well I'll look forward to the pictures.
And while I know you meant no offence (and none was taken), I'm sorry but there are some words that I simply can't abide, and that is one of them - so you'll forgive me if I don't respond to that part of your post. It is simply not something that I would discuss anyway.
Posted by susan47 on June 7, 2007, at 0:03:10
In reply to Re: I'm still here » susan47, posted by Damos on June 5, 2007, at 20:03:01
You're right, of course. I was reading Miller and he's just full of that word. I tend to repeat what I hear or what I'm reading, I'm very much like a parrot, and that is the absolute reality and truth of me. So I'm sorry for getting my reading material mixed up in there, Damos. Really and truly I am. Of course you don't say that word and I totally Get That it's too much to even think that way. Most people are more like you than me. Which might not be a bad thing. In any case, to me that word, c*nt, does not denote a bad thing. In fact, it's the reverse of a dirty word when spoken in the right way. You see, when spoken and read with the inference to which I refer to it in (please giggle or something, and that would be okay) .. all I'm say is that I mean it in a very loving, voracious and tender way.
It's my head this is in, you see Damos, and it isn't a bad thing at all. I'm truly sorry if I Offended you in any way, because I believe you are a lovely, lovely person.
Posted by susan47 on June 7, 2007, at 0:08:25
In reply to Damos, I apologize, I'm very very sorry., posted by susan47 on June 7, 2007, at 0:03:10
And further, when I refer to Sex inappropriately when speaking on a thread with you (I don't even think we discuss that Privately, in e-mail!) .. it doesn't ever require a response. Because it's just my thoughts coming out of my head, Damos. I'm really incredibly selfish when I express my thoughts and I realize that. In IRL people know that about me and learn to expect the unexpected. Although I truly don't talk about vaginas with them, you see it's because this is so anonymous (at least I think it is) here that I feel I can say whatever I wish. Sometimes I forget you or anybody else is going to read what I say. I do it for my own pleasure.
Yeah, it's terribly selfish I suppose .. but that's one of the Beauties of Babble.
Take care.
Posted by Damos on June 7, 2007, at 1:30:31
In reply to Damos, I apologize, I'm very very sorry., posted by susan47 on June 7, 2007, at 0:03:10
Hey Susan,
There's absolutely no need to apologise. No offence was taken. And I know you well enough to know it was just you being you - and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just didn't want to not respond. Promise I'll try to lighten up a little and just laugh along with you enjoying yourself.
Please don't feel the least bit bad - 'cause that would make me sad. It's a writing board so you should, indeed must say it as you feel it. Wouldn't want you to ever be anything other than uniquely, wonderfully, passionately you.
Posted by Damos on June 7, 2007, at 1:49:11
In reply to Re: Damos, I apologize, I'm very very sorry., posted by susan47 on June 7, 2007, at 0:08:25
The more I think about it, the more it's me who should apologise to you. You didn't do anything that you should feel bad about. I reacted to that word for my own reasons and I'm still not even entirely sure why I reacted so strongly. Regardless, it was *my* stuff and nothing that you said or did.
You are right, this board is a place to be entirely selfish and write what we need to write as we need to write it - I surely have at times. It was terribly selfish of me to put my stuff onto your posts.
I sincerely apologise.
Your friend and not so lovely man,
Damos
Posted by Damos on June 7, 2007, at 17:04:03
In reply to Re: Damos, I apologize, I'm very very sorry., posted by susan47 on June 7, 2007, at 0:08:25
One of the things I love and appreciate most about our friendship is your being so seemingly at ease and comfortable with things and subjects that I am *so* not. You help me get beyond the ways I've always been, and manage in your own special way to help me to confront and question myself - all of which are good things.
For whatever reason, a chord was struck within me and I obviously need to experience the resonance, the internal disturbance.....
So thank you.
(((((Susan)))))
Posted by susan47 on June 9, 2007, at 16:23:40
In reply to Dearest Susan, posted by Damos on June 7, 2007, at 17:04:03
Damien, lover of life and all that is Good in it ... including me, including yourself, including everything in your past that brought you to where you are Right Now ... Don't Worry about this anymore, but think of a c*nt as an expression of Magnificence, you see, it's the Ultimate in Freedom to be able to look at this part of myself that's given me so much Sadness and Sorrow and f*cking strife and the you have it, Baby, maybe I've been there .. and if I haven't I can Guarantee You that I Have in my Mind. There is not one fr*gging thing in Hell's creation (And This Is It, Baby, you better fr*gging believe it .. Believe It.) ... there is not one thing on this planet that has ever happened or ever Will Happen that my mind cannot imagine, and do that Very Well, thank you. So believe me when I say Damos, that to be able to express myself as having a C*nt, and Loving It because it's my most Intimate Self and it's been used, abused, and brought me so much pain and brings me so much, Power and Freedom and Pleasure now .. well. Well, now. Unless you actually Had my exact experience, or something like it, or you were maybe a fool idiot out for his own agenda and you LEERED at it (which is okay if you're young and Ignorant, Old and Ignorant is just Too Much, you know what I meanh?) .. well of course you'd see what I said in some kind of horror or other response directly related to your own experience .. I'm just said for You, sweetie. I wish you the best of Life, you know?
Posted by susan47 on June 9, 2007, at 16:25:45
In reply to Sweetie, Sweetheart, my dear Damos,, posted by susan47 on June 9, 2007, at 16:23:40
I'm Sad for you, and I did say that yes. And whatever other spelling errors I committed, sorry .. take care ..
Posted by susan47 on June 11, 2007, at 12:45:59
In reply to Dearest Susan, posted by Damos on June 7, 2007, at 17:04:03
Where are you? Are you still around? I'm getting a bit freaked because I STILL can't access my email and I just realized that I haven't given my new address for Babblemail and I just have to do that right now, so please babble me with regards to this okay? Or Answer Me Here. Please Damos I'm feeling really uncomfortable with your quiet. Please, okay?
Posted by susan47 on June 12, 2007, at 19:40:18
In reply to Sweetie, Sweetheart, my dear Damos,, posted by susan47 on June 9, 2007, at 16:23:40
I'm really really sorry, you know, because I said "Old and Ignorant is just too much you know what I mean?" but I wasn't referring to any person at all, nobody and nothing in particular, and I didn't even mean leering like that or even fool idiot, because I throw words around Damos, and I was Never really referring to you or anybody else I know .. I mean, a lot of guys Leer, or Look at us Sexually and it's actually Quite Nice. I Love it. Personally, I love it if I'm also attracted to the person and if I'm Allowed to be too .. if I'm not allowed but I'm really Turned On, Feeling Wonderful and really good but I'm not allowed, then it feels bad, it feels like it's going to hurt me. Which of course, it always does, hahahaha.
Life is just like that sometimes. Sometimes life is a sh*t sandwich, pardon the expression. And yeah, I think I triggered something in myself, too.
Posted by Damos on June 13, 2007, at 17:18:49
In reply to I CANNOT Hate Myself but I Am Sorry Damos, posted by susan47 on June 12, 2007, at 19:40:18
Hey now, there's nothing to be sorry for or about Susan, nothing at all. I understood what you meant and that's what's important, that we're talking - creating shared meaning, talking meaningfully (if only to ourselves and each other).
You may well throw words about, but sometimes you really hit the mark - throw a perfect bull's-eye, and maybe that's why this has kinda taken us both by surprise and triggered something for us, in us. I've honestly always looked at the way you write and communicate as a gift, a talent.
I hear you - in so many ways I hear you and I'm sorry that it feels bad, and like it's gonna hurt and that it does sometimes. But sometimes it's that very hurt that lets me know that I'm alive. And you know what else? Sometimes just being, content, happy can be excruciating too.
Seems like it's about time to return to my self imposed exile. You know where I am and that you're always welcome.
Posted by susan47 on July 24, 2007, at 21:13:34
In reply to No need to be sorry » susan47, posted by Damos on June 13, 2007, at 17:18:49
You sound like you're gently swishing your way back into your cave, your den, your lair .. your dragon's lair, Damos, dragging the maiden by the hair .. mmmmmm ... hmmm... no, more like a very gentle, bookish sort of a dragon with glasses perched on his nose ... I hope you're enjoying yourself, wherever you are, Dragon Damos ... mmmwah ... I'm so Lonesome, I could Die. Sigh.
Posted by Damos on July 25, 2007, at 17:36:04
In reply to Damos, You Sweet Dragon » Damos, posted by susan47 on July 24, 2007, at 21:13:34
Wow! Thank you Susan, that was a really lovely post.
Okay, so how did you know that in Chinese Astrology I am a wooden dragon, and that my absolute favourite song as a kid was Puff the Magic Dragon? Hah, do you remember HR Pufnstuf? Nice memories, thanks for taking me back there.
And as for lairs. I've been called a 'mug-lair' a few times (mostly by my dad and granddad).
Well I did spent Saturday and Sunday night into the wee small hours reading Harry Potter and I did enjoy that a great deal. I'm actually pretty sure that the terms enjoyment and Damos are mutually exculsive. Apart from that, my world seems to grow smaller and more silent day by day. A cave is a pretty good description. I really hope you're enjoying yourself too - miss you my friend.
"I'm so Lonesome, I could Die"...me too. Massive Sigh
((((((((((Susan))))))))))
Mmmmmmwah
Posted by susan47 on July 27, 2007, at 1:09:03
In reply to Re: Damos, You Sweet Dragon » susan47, posted by Damos on July 25, 2007, at 17:36:04
We may have discussed the subject in the past, I really don't remember, but in any case you did give me that mental picture very strongly so I guess that's around your aura .. I remember H. R. Puff 'n Stuff all right but none of the storyline as I think I was already a teen when that was out and not too interesting for me .. I think .. honestly I don't remember that part of my life much ... honey, you have got to get out and do stuff as soon as you've finished with your book you need to book yourself into some kind of thing, something where you go someplace and spend a lot of time with a lot of good people and then come home again, you need to have Fun Damos, you need more fun. Find fun somewhere, remember the only way you can progress and be happy is to practice feeling Good. Feel Good.. immerse yourself in loving thoughts about all the things in your life you're grateful for .. really be in the Moment and practice meditating on that, remember to meditate on good things and be good to yourself, eat well, sleep, exercise and siesta, baby.
Posted by Damos on August 4, 2007, at 2:26:28
In reply to Hey, goofy one. » Damos, posted by susan47 on July 27, 2007, at 1:09:03
No Susan, when I finish my book I just need to find another one, or put on a CD and just stay in my cave. I don't belong in the world, especially in the world of people - I have no place there, it's a place where I am neither wanted nor missed. I simply don't belong. Anywhere, to anything, with anyone. It is so much better for everyone concerned if I just stay in my cave -out of sight, out of mind. That way less harm will be done, less harm will be done.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 6, 2007, at 0:08:51
In reply to Hey ...... » susan47, posted by Damos on August 4, 2007, at 2:26:28
> No Susan, when I finish my book I just need to find another one, or put on a CD and just stay in my cave. I don't belong in the world, especially in the world of people - I have no place there, it's a place where I am neither wanted nor missed. I simply don't belong. Anywhere, to anything, with anyone. It is so much better for everyone concerned if I just stay in my cave -out of sight, out of mind. That way less harm will be done, less harm will be done.
>I have always appreciated your contribution on this site.
Jai
Posted by susan47 on August 11, 2007, at 23:49:21
In reply to Hey ...... » susan47, posted by Damos on August 4, 2007, at 2:26:28
None of us get out of life without doing some harm. We never would have wished that as little children, and in fact if I'd known my future as a small child, I don't know that I would have had the strength to keep living, really .. some of it has been unbelievably nightmarish .. but I'm living in hell with everyone else here ... and my life has been so much better than most lives, if I think in terms of Pain, physical, mental, spiritual and any other-wise. I'm not completely sane all the time, I'm not completely anything, I'm a bit of everything .. are you like that? I think lots of humanity is like that ... we're all part of a whole, and we're all exactly as we're meant to be.
Heavy effing sigh, baby.
Posted by Susan47 on September 30, 2007, at 21:45:47
In reply to Oh god, posted by susan47 on May 30, 2007, at 23:17:48
Your voice doesn't sound the same to me anymore, and that is probably a really good thing, although it doesn't feel very good. Now your voice sounds peremptory and cold, businesslike, almost.. obscene. As in, the way you were, the way you are, the way you aren't and who is the real you? Have you stood and been counted, have you made a Difference, a difference in the world, a difference that is Good.
I want to do that, so much. It's in my heart.
I want to feel happy. I want to be that. Have the completion in my soul, a soul level complete-ness, something I can count on in my old age, in the elder years which are just there, just There... I can touch them. I can feel their grip, and I won't go joyfully unless I feel that I have a companion, someone to talk to, someone to be with and just Sit. Sit and listen, sit and see ... contemplate, and rejoice at what's been and what is and what will be ...
My heart goes with you .. you know it'll always be there, even though the relationship was a Bad Thing, it was a bad thing I did and I allowed to happen .. but I want it to be good, in the end, for everyone .. it has to be part of moving into a greater state of being, or it meant nothing. And that just isn't so.
Posted by Damos on October 3, 2007, at 18:04:28
In reply to It's different, now., posted by Susan47 on September 30, 2007, at 21:45:47
Hey Susan,
The words seem to get lost somewhere between my heart and soul and the keyboard, but I wanted you to know I was reading and am still here with you. Just have to hope you get the thoughts I'm sending.
I appreciate you and all that you share with us so much. Things might not appear or feel good at the time or even on reflection - but that doesn't have to mean that nothing 'good' has come out of them.
Your friend,
Damos
Posted by Susan47 on October 8, 2007, at 14:45:36
In reply to Re: It's different, now. » Susan47, posted by Damos on October 3, 2007, at 18:04:28
I know what you mean about the words getting lost..I journal now more than I ever have, decades went by when I wrote naught a word (huh? sometimes nonsensical stuff just happens...) .. IRL as in heart, mind, and soul, what doesn't make sense now always Does in the end.
The end.
Hey, Damos.
I heart you, you're my friend.
A good friend.
You are still there for me even though I don't know why.. but I seem to deserve it. The universe doesn't give us what we don't deserve, in the end .. if it's good, it's good because we make it so for ourselves. A huge responsibility to take on, because we actually are some of the few people on the planet with the ability to make ourselves happy, and if we don't do that with open hearts and minds, we're making the whole world suffer more. It's a huge never-ending circle, it's a web that ties us All Together whether we like it or not or whether we choose to experience it Now, it's Here, inside each of us. Ciao, I'm heart-ing you.
Posted by susan47 on January 1, 2008, at 12:55:37
In reply to Oh god, posted by susan47 on May 30, 2007, at 23:17:48
And I really have to love myself.
So, God help me.
God help me to distinguish between loving for real, and loving in order to feel like a good person.
Posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 17:35:21
In reply to I Love You, posted by susan47 on January 1, 2008, at 12:55:37
Apparently Virgina Woolf once said (and a whole lot of other people, too, only she put it into writing and published it and so now we're all supposed to give her credit for it, which isn't wrong in itself, but it feels like every emotion that's been written about is second-hand, somehow, not my own. It isn't right, but without writers what kind of a world would we have? Perhaps one initiated into the present? Perhaps we like living in other worlds, in the past, in a future that hasn't come, yet...
she once said
"You can't think how I depend on you,
and when you're not there
the colour goes out of my life."So, okay. All right. And
It isn't fair, it isn't right.
To need someone so much, to depend on them for completion, wholeness, happiness.
Why can't we give that to ourselves?
We must. Somehow I absolutely have to do that, I can't rely on what isn't there, no wonder I feel so badly.
Who is that person, why can't I find her?
Is it really someone else? Is that happiness?
So confusing.
I am so tired of being, of feeling, alone.
Posted by susan47 on March 20, 2008, at 18:36:48
In reply to F*ck, posted by susan47 on January 23, 2008, at 17:35:21
The drug .. "you can't think how I depend on you, and when you're not there the colour goes out of my life" ....
Sh*t. F*ck. F*ck you. Bastard.
I love you.
I love you loveuluvyouluvu luu .. loo.
Flush the whole God damn thing down the loo.
F*ck you ... f*ck my doc for being the ineffectual little wimp idiot bastard that he is and was. F*ck him for being everything he was to me, for being a conduit directly into a hell so deep I didn't and don't know the way out.
Write, god damn it, write until the whole fricking f*ck*ng stupid idiotic thing, the thing that was my life for YEARS god damn it cw god damn you f*ck you for not talking to me the way I deserved, the honesty you kept away from everyone, the looking deeply into your own soul and forget mine, just look at yourself.
F*ck you.
Posted by susan47 on March 24, 2008, at 14:22:21
In reply to My Drug, my D.O.C., my doc, Doctor, heal me, posted by susan47 on March 20, 2008, at 18:36:48
You have to forgive yourself, forgive yourself and your brain and just heal it, heal it god damn you heal. You must heal, you absolutely have to do that. That is all, the only important thing. Your life, your relationships, all of this has to heal, and the past too. Heal it, that is the only important thing.
Love yourself. Love everyone you know.
Posted by susan47 on May 6, 2008, at 20:52:50
In reply to Susan, you cannot forget this, posted by susan47 on March 24, 2008, at 14:22:21
You are a kind man.
You wouldn't do anything to hurt anyone.
I know this.
I'm sure of it.
I'm sorry for all the tangled personality issues.
I wish I were different.
I wish I'd been differently constructed,
made whole to begin with.
Not bits and parts scattered to the four winds.
Who knows what will emerge this time?
I want to be whole.
I want to be happy.
I want to love myself.
I want to love my life, I want to be healed.
And I want everything about this to be healed.
Because all of it was one-sided, only mine. I'm so sorry I had to manipulate ... I can't even begin to understand how bad I was. I can't even begin to comprehend any of the effects of what I've done.
But my soul is telling me, it's not good.
How do I make it good?
How do I expose myself to the highest good for all?
How does one go about revealing what one has done, in moments and times of agony, torture inflicted on a personality level, a personality rent asunder, demolished in shame and neediness.
I don't know how you survived.
I hope you did survive, I hope you did do that.
You looked gaunt not too long ago.
I hope there are roses in your cheeks, now, a spring in your step and a smile in your beautiful brown eyes.
Take care, always.
Susan
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