![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Joan797 on May 28, 2006, at 14:43:15
We neither have the time or care enough to help you.
And by the way, can we take advantage of your situation as well?
Best Regards,
Your Family, Friends, Loved Ones, and Lovers.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 28, 2006, at 18:40:12
In reply to Go play crazy somewhere else, posted by Joan797 on May 28, 2006, at 14:43:15
Hey Joan,
I have time. I have too much time. And I care too.
What's going on?
-ll
Posted by Joan797 on May 29, 2006, at 7:32:33
In reply to Re: Go play crazy somewhere else, posted by llrrrpp on May 28, 2006, at 18:40:12
My father is dying, my family is moving on with their lives while I take care of him day and night.
My children are taking advantage of the situation of me being gone all the time by going out or staying at someone elses house all the time as well. They never stay home, thus never getting any household chores done for me.
Those that they stay with, family or friends, do not see a problem and never suggest that my children actually do something to help me out. One of these people is my mother in law....another one is my sister in law. In laws dont' seem to give a flying f**k about my situation.
I guess this has gone on so long, (we are going on 8 months now) they don't seem to remember or even care about the situation. Noone asks me how my dad is anymore, or if they do, they don't wait for me to answer them before they interrupt with their own story or start talking to someone else.
Those of us who are staying at dad's taking care of him are begining to lose patience with the situation, barking at each other, calculating each one's time and effort spent, or avoiding chores that should be done.
I'm exhausted, mentally overwhelmed, frustrated completely, and begining to hate everyone and their lives that don't seem effected as mine is by the situation.
Unless someone has been through this same scenario, it just doesn't seem that they understand or are affected by my situation enough to lend a hand.
All I can say is that when this is over, I'm bying a one way ticket to an exotic location, family, friends, etc. are not invited. Whether I ever come back or not depends on how long it takes me to stop being mad. I have a good percentage of German blood in me, thus making me very stubborn. I think it will be a long time.
Joan
Posted by llrrrpp on May 29, 2006, at 8:23:27
In reply to Re: Go play crazy somewhere else » llrrrpp, posted by Joan797 on May 29, 2006, at 7:32:33
> My father is dying, my family is moving on with their lives while I take care of him day and night.
Wow. That's a lot to deal with.
>
> My children are taking advantage of the situation of me being gone all the time by going out or staying at someone elses house all the time as well. They never stay home, thus never getting any household chores done for me.It sounds like your children are in denial. They don't want to adjust their own lives to accomodate their grandpa, or even their own mother's hardship. They think that if they act happy and play all day long that everything is fine. But when they are mature, they will think back on this time and wonder if they did the right thing.
> Those that they stay with, family or friends, do not see a problem and never suggest that my children actually do something to help me out. One of these people is my mother in law....another one is my sister in law. In laws dont' seem to give a flying f**k about my situation.
>They think that you are stronger than you are. They see you give the last 8 months to your dying father, and they forget that your life was not always like this. They think that it's someone's duty, and are happy to have you absorb it all, so that they don't have to deal with it. They are hurting too. They are hurting because your father is dying, and they are hurting because they see your weariness, and they feel guilt and shame. They will carry the burden of guilt and shame, because it is easier than admitting that their pain is partly their own fault. The pain is more than just the pain of watching someone pass slowly, the pain is also from knowing that they did not help when they needed to. That they were off playing. And their own role in the pain is the most agonizing.
> I guess this has gone on so long, (we are going on 8 months now) they don't seem to remember or even care about the situation. Noone asks me how my dad is anymore, or if they do, they don't wait for me to answer them before they interrupt with their own story or start talking to someone else.
Yes, no one will bring it up. It's uncomfortable, and even if they did, what would you tell them? Would you tell them about your dad's latest test results, or would you tell them how weary you are, and how frustrated you are with your family? Would you tell them how whole hours are spent everyday that seem empty and endless and meaningless, and days, weeks, months go by and nothing changes, really? Would you tell them how you put your life in 'pause' to watch over the dying, and now you can't even remember what it was that you were planning on doing next? Would you tell them that you can't remember the last time you... went to a movie, ate lunch with your girlfriends, bought yourself a new outfit? Would you tell them that your own health is suffering because you eat mostly junkfood from cafeterias and vending machines? Would you tell them that the phone never rings with good news anymore? Would you tell them that you're bitter that the flowers and cards stopped coming months ago, and you think they stopped caring?
> Those of us who are staying at dad's taking care of him are begining to lose patience with the situation, barking at each other, calculating each one's time and effort spent, or avoiding chores that should be done.
>
> I'm exhausted, mentally overwhelmed, frustrated completely, and begining to hate everyone and their lives that don't seem effected as mine is by the situation.
>
Can you talk to someone about this? A minister at your church? A chaplain at the hospital? A therapist or counsellor. Just having someone that's not connected to the situation to talk to might help lift this immense burden.> Unless someone has been through this same scenario, it just doesn't seem that they understand or are affected by my situation enough to lend a hand.
Can you reach out for help a little bit? I'm sure that several months ago kind acquaintances said things like "if you ever need anything..." Well, maybe it's time to be strong and reach out, and say that you need a little help here and there. Ask them to make you a lasagne, or pick up your drycleaning? Tell your kids' friends' parents that you're really struggling, and it would be great if the kids mowed the lawn before they went frolicking on Saturday afternoon. Share your burden with others. They might not know the specifics of your pain, but suffering is universal.
Also, make some time for yourself. Even if it's just an hour or three every week, plan something and schedule it, and make it happen. My mom had a water aerobics class that she did twice a week when my dad was sick. That's what she looked forward to. Maybe it's what kept her going. It wasn't much, but I think it was really important.> All I can say is that when this is over, I'm bying a one way ticket to an exotic location, family, friends, etc. are not invited. Whether I ever come back or not depends on how long it takes me to stop being mad. I have a good percentage of German blood in me, thus making me very stubborn. I think it will be a long time.
>
I think this is fantastic. I'm so glad you have something to look forward to :o)
> Joan
Posted by susan47 on May 29, 2006, at 12:47:42
In reply to Re: Go play crazy somewhere else » Joan797, posted by llrrrpp on May 29, 2006, at 8:23:27
Why isn't your dad in a hospice?
Posted by 10derHeart on May 29, 2006, at 18:51:47
In reply to Joan, posted by susan47 on May 29, 2006, at 12:47:42
Yes...what Susan said, hospice is a wonderful option, but I do understand that it may not be in accordance with his/your wishes, etc.
At least look into some respite care services.
Here's a nationwide locator service site I found:
http://www.respitelocator.org/
And this one also looks like it has a bunch of useful links for your situation:
http://www.4woman.gov/faq/caregiver.htm
Or maybe call a hospice near you, or any social worker at your local hospital - they should be well-connected and know of services to give you a desparately needed break.
Please take care of Joan, too. I so admire you and think you are doing a beautiful thing for your father. But you are only human, and we all need a break from such long-term strain. If there's no more family who can or will, the community should be able to provide something so you can rest for a while.
My heart goes out to you AG...errr...I mean Joan. I remember your story and your sadness...and I'm not speaking of your dad. :-( I know this last year or two has been full of pain, disappointment and suffering for you. It won't last forever, even though it feels like it now. I know you and God are not exactly best of friends at the moment, but I hope it's alright that I'm praying for you. Keep posting, please. You will come out on the other side and yu will know joy again. (((Joan))
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Writing | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.