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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
I'm feeling sorry for myself. I need to move on. Nobody, including me, cares about what happended to me. I could be so much if I wasn't so worried about me. I'm too hard on myself, then I resent myself. I abuse myself, then have fear of myself. If I hadn't let the things I did to myself affect the way I respond to the things I do to myself, I wouldn't do the things to myself that cause me to have reactions to the things I do to myself. It's not my fault, how could I stop myself from doing to myself the things I did to myself. It's completely normal to respond to attacks from myself with attacks on myself. The truth is, I hate myself. I've done so much to hurt myself, how could I ever forgive myself? I don't deserve forgiveness. I live in fear. I did these things and now I have to suffer, but who pays for what I did to me? I need to get over it. Lot's of people have hurt themselves. As long as I let myself stay in my head, I'm still letting me hurt myself. I don't know that I have a grudge against myself. I've moved on with my life, and I'm still stuck in the past worried about the things I did to myself.
I must be missing something.
Posted by ClearSkies on May 9, 2006, at 12:03:51
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
> I've moved on with my life, and I'm still stuck in the past worried about the things I did to myself.
>
> I must be missing something.Isn't it right there, James?
How can you have moved on and still be stuck? Looks like spinning wheels in a rut that we create ourselves. Digs in deeper the more you try.
Maybe stop trying so hard.
Maybe sit and let yourself settle a bit. Don't try to go back. Don't think about going forward. Just sit with yourself, in quietness. It is hard to do. I can only manage 5 minutes some days. But that quietness seeps in to the rest of my day. It soothes my mind that is so intent on wrestling with the past.It's good to see you back. I wish things had gone better for you during your break from here.
ClearSkies
Posted by Declan on May 9, 2006, at 21:28:36
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
Hi James
What follows is just something to say.
If you accept, for arguments sake, that everything you do (vis a vis yourself) is wrong, then the only thing to do is nothing. If you strike the water to keep it flat you will be unsuccessful. OTOH certain mental states can be very hard to accept and sit with. (no surprises there) Let's say you have a need to hurt yourself. What then? How might that be nicely sublimated? Something with a bit of discipline? I don't feel like I hate myself, but then I come across mirrors and photographs and then.....But from forever I wanted to belong and couldn't/didn't, and I wonder how many people's problems stem from the inability to find a satisfactory balance of belonging and autonomy.
Declan
Posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 23:06:54
In reply to Nice to see you, James » James K, posted by Declan on May 9, 2006, at 21:28:36
Hi guys. That was interesting to write that out. Kind of confront myself in a rush of sentences. Two interesting things jumped out at me from your responses quietness and discipline. It was strongly suggested to me by my inpatient shrink that I try the Akido martial art. (he is an expert). This martial art is about accepting the opponent's force, rather than striking it head on. I would love to have the courage to leap into something like that. The meditation and discipline with physical energy expenditure. And the idea of not fighting "against" everything.
Also gardening. One of my loves. I've been working up a plan to try and become the landscaper of our condo association. Again, physical expenditure with gentle control of nature. I love to prune. not so much mowing, but I'll accept it as a mathematical challenge.
I'm remembering hope.
James K
Posted by wildcardII on May 10, 2006, at 12:21:41
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
***how could I ever forgive myself?
{{{James}}} you're in my thoughts
Posted by curtm on May 11, 2006, at 20:17:46
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 12, 2006, at 21:32:29
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
> It's completely normal to respond to attacks from myself with attacks on myself. The truth is, I hate myself. I've done so much to hurt myself, how could I ever forgive myself? >
wow, this is so amazing. it's all true. If someone else hurt me I would have a hard time forgiving them...if I hurt myself why would that be any different?
the logic in this written piece is powerful and makes sense.welcome back, dear heart.
I'm going on vacation next week so I won't be able to respond to any posts but I will be back a week from tomorrow.
I have been waiting for your return and am overjoyed that you're back.
your friend
Jai
Posted by Estella on May 12, 2006, at 23:42:03
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
hey. i feel sorry for myself a lot too.
and i feel like nobody cares about me...
and i hate myself and abuse myself and am afraid of myself...and so on.
i think i know how you feel...
and i'm sorry that people feel like that sometimes.
i'm sorry that you feel like that sometimes.you have been clean for a while eh?
i think...
that when that happens a lot of feelings come up
without the alchohol to numb and harden you to them
a lot of feelings come up
ones that are not so nicei'm sorry.
acceptance...
of the way things are just as they are
other people
oneselfi think that is meant to be the way forward
we can't change the past...
but in living in the present
we can accumulate a better pastor something.
((((((((((james k))))))))))))
i missed you
i'm glad you are back.
Posted by Toph on May 13, 2006, at 8:20:23
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
I think people are a little like houses, James. Sometimes we collect bad stuff in our house. Others seem to be able to rid themselves of stuff in their homes, you and I seem to collect the garbage we've made until it fills every room and there's no place to hang out without all the sh*t around. Removing all these hoarded reminders at once is daunting and overwhelming and unrealistic. So we do nothing, but continue to wallow in the stuff in an unending cycle of making more and more of it and hating ourselves for the world we've created for ourselves. If only we could clean just one room where we could have respite, a place to lounge unencumbered by refuge. There we might gain the strength to work on the other rooms.
If its any solace for you James, I hate myself too.
Posted by James K on May 13, 2006, at 12:58:14
In reply to Re: feeling sorry for myself » James K, posted by Toph on May 13, 2006, at 8:20:23
I wish I knew how to cut and paste from all the messages, because there were so many sentences that struck me as relevant and insightful. Many of the ideas here have invaded my thoughts the last few nights as I've lain awake with insomnia. I think I'm starting to come to grips with the idea of accepting what my life has been and having peace with the bad. I have some topics to talk about on the psychology board I think. You all's support for me in regard to my stream of consciousness outpouring has helped me. (to construct sentences like the ones I just reread may be a sign of returning mental capacity, or something darker -- i'd put a smiley face here, but I don't know how--)
thank you,
James
Posted by Estella on May 14, 2006, at 2:28:06
In reply to reflections on topic, posted by James K on May 13, 2006, at 12:58:14
> I wish I knew how to cut and paste from all the messages,
you can copy them into word and do it that way
(not that i tend to... but i think that is how you have to do it)> I think I'm starting to come to grips with the idea of accepting what my life has been and having peace with the bad.
yeah. that is hard... but i think that is what needs to be done. i've got a lot of stuff in my past that i'm not proud of...
i also think... that acceptance... like forgiveness... is an ongoing process. it isn't something that one just makes a conscious decision to do and that is that it is done. it is more that you become aware of things... and it is about what you do with those things as they occur to you. you know... i think everybody has things in their life that they aren't so proud of... so you aren't abnormal in that respect.
:-)
Posted by Declan on May 15, 2006, at 20:37:48
In reply to Re: reflections on topic, posted by Estella on May 14, 2006, at 2:28:06
I dunno why it was, but in the very lengthy therapy I did acceptance was the big deal, maybe because I found it difficult, coming from an overcontrolled background. Since then I've noticed that radical acceptance is at the heart of a great many of these....well, clearly they can't be attempts to change oneself, but still. Like what did Jesus say? Something like "The Kingdom is spread out before you but you do not perceive it." The Power of Now and all those things; it seems to be a common factor.
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 21, 2006, at 9:35:09
In reply to Re: feeling sorry for myself » James K, posted by Toph on May 13, 2006, at 8:20:23
> I think people are a little like houses, James. Sometimes we collect bad stuff in our house. Others seem to be able to rid themselves of stuff in their homes, you and I seem to collect the garbage we've made until it fills every room and there's no place to hang out without all the sh*t around. Removing all these hoarded reminders at once is daunting and overwhelming and unrealistic. So we do nothing, but continue to wallow in the stuff in an unending cycle of making more and more of it and hating ourselves for the world we've created for ourselves. If only we could clean just one room where we could have respite, a place to lounge unencumbered by refuge. There we might gain the strength to work on the other rooms.
>
> If its any solace for you James, I hate myself too.I love this Toph, it's so about my life too.
xoxo
you all
I sometimes get real angry with myself...
Posted by Toph on May 28, 2006, at 7:21:48
In reply to Re: feeling sorry for myself, posted by Jai Narayan on May 21, 2006, at 9:35:09
... it's so about my life too.
> xoxo
> you all
> I sometimes get real angry with myself...
>I wouldn't have known this, Jai, evidently you have lots of stuff to rid also. I don't say this just because you are my friend, but you seem to work very hard at being kind, positive, supportive. Oh, I've seen your temper, but I wish I had your penchant for self-improvement. You are a special person.
Posted by susan47 on May 30, 2006, at 12:41:21
In reply to feeling sorry for myself, posted by James K on May 9, 2006, at 10:13:08
Where are You, James K?
People are worried about you ... now I've been wrapped up in grief too long, how about you .. my past is a trail I've left behind, like the trail of a beautiful beautiful black slug, because even though the name is ugly, even the word ugly is ugly .. ugly slugly .. you know, the creature itself is quite astounding. And like the silver trail of that creature, I leave behind a past that's making me what I want to be. Every bad thing I've seen, heard, witnessed, been a part of, even .. makes me this person, and it's up to me what to do with it, and from the deepest of ashes I've seen others rise to the good .. so can you, and I can too .. I sure hope your heart understands James, because that's one of the last things we're told as we die, and that's why some of us can smile, and others .. can't.
And for any paranoid people,
no that is not a threat.
Because I myself, still feel a bit hunted, and haunted.
The past rises up, it boils to the surface you know, like the old worn-out phrase, there is nothing worn-out about the past in times like this.
It hunts me, it's the past that is the hunter, but I refuse to be the hunted
any longer.
This is the end of the thread.
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