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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on March 13, 2006, at 16:04:10
Wasted on you, you see.
I could have been doing other things
things that made me feel good about myself,
not bad.
I could have focussed on the loving of you,
my hero
Because do you know what a hero is?
A hero's who I needed
A hero is someone who subverts his own wellbeing for the good of someone else,
which is what I think you did,
my love .. not meaning that in a threatening way,
nor a close way, at all, because I'm not here to freak anyone out
Not here at all
Not in that way, not in the way that you think.
Because this is not my face
and these are not my fingers
this is my mind .. a bowl of jelly ..
what does it weigh, how many ounces
jelled here, on the keyboard ..
no no no, it's NOT what you're thinking ...
do you see how your own mind plays tricks on you?
Do you see? Because I am whole,
I will live to be one hundred and one, one hundred and one,
because I think I want to.
I can put the bad things away ...
do you know why?
Because, and I hope I'm not wrong,
(but if I am may I never be crushed into knowing)
a hero can be a real person.
Posted by Susan47 on March 14, 2006, at 15:15:49
In reply to So much time, so much money, so much effort, posted by Susan47 on March 13, 2006, at 16:04:10
Hey.
Did you know that I just had a startling thought .. that these things always come to me here, at home, in the sunshine, doing what I love .. never anywhere else, really, because I'm a homebody, I love being at home, I love puttering and tinkering and thinking endlessly about so little .. really .. little things made whole, you know? And this never happens at work. Never. Only at play. Hey. I realized I don't like to work, not at what I have trained myself to do, and lately, poorly .. because I have half a mind, I've always had half a mind, or less, that's what drugs and anxiety do. Who do you talk to, who do you tell, who can you trust when you have a secret that's this big? That's this f*cked up? I know I'm not the only person to be going through this, I know this can be handled, but I don't know how to do it without dying in the process.
I don't want to die.
I don't want anyone I love or care about, to die, and I love remembering, I love love love to be in my little girl's mind, my child self needs me.
But I need to be an adult. This is not the time to be a child.
This is not the time to be addicted.
There is no leeway, you know, because you need to survive, and you can only do that when you're whole, and you're only whole when you've toked, and then you're really not, you just have more will to do what needs to be done in life, there's a barrier between you and the world, and this barrier is your protective bubble, and right now you need that bubble to be huge, because there is no person to help. Okay, so there is, and that's you, but... you're only here, here on Babble, here on this page, this is you, this is your mind talking, and you need to get a grip.. the bubble can be there without the drug. Please God, whom I don't believe in .. God, who is the planet, who is everything on it, God who is everywhere, every thought and atom, here, We are the earth's eyes and ears. It feels right, but the earth is really really sad, and feeling really empty and alone right now, because the love for it just isn't there anymore.
It's not there, like it used to be.
God bless Babble.
Posted by Damos on March 15, 2006, at 16:47:50
In reply to Re: So much time, so much money, so much effort, posted by Susan47 on March 14, 2006, at 15:15:49
Hey Sweet Susan :-)
Well it makes perfect sense to me that the thoughts would arise when they do. It's exactly because you are happy just puttering that they occur. The term 'mindless activity' can actually be pretty accurate, for me it's watering the garden that lets my mind dance a merry dance, because most other times it's too choick full of other stuff that requires conscious effort to get done.
LOL, I hate what it is I do and the fact that I've been doing it increasingly poorly lately. And if you have 1/2 a mind then you're at least 50% up on me ;-)
You can talk to me if you want to, I'd like to hear all of it, the good, the bad, the confounded and confused, all of it.
Oh yeah, a cute little caterpillar doesn't have to die to become a beautiful butterfly, but there are certain stages that must be gone through. I don't think anyone wants those they love and care for to die. Its in the remembering that that they'll always live on. Hold on that little girl you, don't ever lose her, she's part of what makes you so precious, and just maybe where you get some your most endearing characteristics from.
I'm not sure I've ever been whole Susan, not ever. D*mn sure I've been a huge black hole at times but I'm getting there little by little, making space in my bubble for others to join me. Letting them see the me that was always there, just never seen.
Yes, God bless Babble, and God bless you too.
(((((Susan)))))
This is the end of the thread.
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