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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dove on April 6, 2005, at 11:02:17
I make myself absolutely insane, literally.
I get all tied up in knots, anxious, wringing my hands and worried
about lost time, and not getting things done
yet....
all I do is actively search and find ways to waste time
as long as I am wasting time with frivolous nothings
life remains unreal.
I don't have to focus, or try, or fail.
I don't have to put in any effort
just run around in complete disarray
haphazardly getting whatever drifts across my path done
or not doing anything constructive whatsoever.
I resent any reproach or accountability
telling myself I can't help the way my brain works
is that even true?
I am starting to doubt it
I am weak and selfish and don't want to face up to the life I have created.
I seek the negative rather than the positive
I want excuses that dismiss my inactivity and/or failure
I want maximum benefits for minimal effort.
I absolutely make myself ill
Just the sight of my ashen face in the mirror disturbs me greatly.
I have no clue how to be a good mom
except for keeping the house in order
which I won't do
I don't want anyone to have pity on me
I am a monster of my own making and of my own desires.
I am a failure because I refuse to try
because I don't want to put in the effort
that is sick, and not in a diseased way but in a sick human way.
I don't like me yet I think so much of myself that I do nothing for anyone else.
Deep in my heart, I know I am a dark hole
that sucks up the light and reflects nothing in return.What am I doing.....
dove
Posted by PM80 on April 6, 2005, at 11:57:11
In reply to honesty with myself, posted by dove on April 6, 2005, at 11:02:17
I think I just got goose bumps. wow. I think you and are very similar in some ways. My meds are really helping me because I used to feel like this a lot and lately (since I started Depakote) I have not. You are NOT this disgusting person you are afraid that you are. You are depressed, and that is all. You need support and understanding - try not to be afraid to ask for it by being honest with those who love you. If you are seeing a T, bring this poem you just wrote to him to show him how you are feeling.
Posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 13:47:32
In reply to Re: honesty with myself » dove, posted by PM80 on April 6, 2005, at 11:57:11
there is much to be said for honesty, dove, but also remember that what feels honest now may not be the same as what feels true in different time/circumstances...
PM80 may have hit it right on the nose... I have felt this way, too, MOST especially when I am depressed. But when I'm NOT depressed, most of those things aren't as true...
Unfortunately, what feels honest and what is logically true can be two completely different kettles of fish. Logically honest when depressed is nearly impossible, maybe totally impossible.
Hang in there and keep posting- writing is cathartic, isn't it?!
Posted by PM80 on April 6, 2005, at 15:50:11
In reply to Re: honesty with myself, posted by sunny10 on April 6, 2005, at 13:47:32
Writing is definitely cathartic!
This is the end of the thread.
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