Posted by dove on April 6, 2005, at 11:02:17
I make myself absolutely insane, literally.
I get all tied up in knots, anxious, wringing my hands and worried
about lost time, and not getting things done
yet....
all I do is actively search and find ways to waste time
as long as I am wasting time with frivolous nothings
life remains unreal.
I don't have to focus, or try, or fail.
I don't have to put in any effort
just run around in complete disarray
haphazardly getting whatever drifts across my path done
or not doing anything constructive whatsoever.
I resent any reproach or accountability
telling myself I can't help the way my brain works
is that even true?
I am starting to doubt it
I am weak and selfish and don't want to face up to the life I have created.
I seek the negative rather than the positive
I want excuses that dismiss my inactivity and/or failure
I want maximum benefits for minimal effort.
I absolutely make myself ill
Just the sight of my ashen face in the mirror disturbs me greatly.
I have no clue how to be a good mom
except for keeping the house in order
which I won't do
I don't want anyone to have pity on me
I am a monster of my own making and of my own desires.
I am a failure because I refuse to try
because I don't want to put in the effort
that is sick, and not in a diseased way but in a sick human way.
I don't like me yet I think so much of myself that I do nothing for anyone else.
Deep in my heart, I know I am a dark hole
that sucks up the light and reflects nothing in return.What am I doing.....
dove
poster:dove
thread:480658
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050321/msgs/480658.html