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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sometimesblue on August 6, 2007, at 11:10:49
Not sure where to start...I'm trying to be sober, no drinking, no taking pills...But i hate my life sober, and i hate myself high. I get deepressed, anxiety ridden, panic attacks more frequent now. I need to escape but i have too much at stake, kids, husband.
I can't find any pleasure, any balance inside or outside of myself. Not sure where to go, what to do...
Posted by ClearSkies on August 6, 2007, at 11:43:13
In reply to I HATE MYSELF, posted by sometimesblue on August 6, 2007, at 11:10:49
> Not sure where to start...I'm trying to be sober, no drinking, no taking pills...But i hate my life sober, and i hate myself high. I get deepressed, anxiety ridden, panic attacks more frequent now. I need to escape but i have too much at stake, kids, husband.
>
> I can't find any pleasure, any balance inside or outside of myself. Not sure where to go, what to do...
Hi there, Sometimes. Welcome, I don't think we've met. I'm ClearSkies and I post on this board a lot. Will have 2 years' sobriety this month and have depression, anxiety, panic attacks. Everything became MUCH worse when I stopped drinking. Nothing to hide behind, really, so all the sickness just kind of welled up and it makes you wonder why bother, right?I'm afraid that the bottom line is that there is no escape. A sober life means all the bumps and downs and ups are felt without any of the filter that drinking gave us. The good news is that if we treat ourselves better, we don't feel the need to escape as strongly. (I won't go so far as to say that I don't ever want to escape. Of course I do, especially when life is on a downward slide and I don't have my alcohol to hide myself in.)
But feeling life in all its rawness means that we get to experience its beauties to their fullness too. So for me, living a sober life means reminding myself, every single day, that I'm a very lucky woman, and that I deserve every happiness that I find. Some people find that meditating is helpful; taking 15 minutes every morning to reflect on the gifts that we are able to appreciate because we didn't have to wake up hung over. It helps me, at least. I really like not having to remember what I might have said or who I might have called (Dialing While Drunk), or looking at my knees and elbows and wondering how I smashed them up. I do think it's important to get proper care for those underlying conditions. Quite often once we've become sober the medications we've been treating our depression and anxiety with have to be adjusted because our bodies are responding differently without having alcohol in our system. I went on Campral for the first year of my sobriety to suppress the physical alcohol cravings, and found that it had a profound effect on my general level of anxiety, mostly because I wasn't worried about drinking. Perhaps an overhaul of your medications with your doctor is in order.
I'm sorry if my reply seems blunt or uncaring; it's not meant to be at all. I do think it's important to remember that just as our sobriety leaves us more open to feel the pain of our lives, it also means we are able to feel the joys of them. Not to be sappy about it, but I am really, really grateful that I make the choice every day not to drink.
Take good care of yourself. You might find that a support group like Women For Sobriety would be a good fit for you. They have a website and do both online support and have literature and face to face meetings all over the place. (And then there is Babble, which is my most precious resource.) Feel free to babblemail me if you ever want to talk. I don't do chat but I'm happy to post, babblemail, or email. Whatever works, whatever it takes to keep myself sober and help others do the same. It's my credo, I guess, and one that's worked for me so far.
gentle hugs to you,
ClearSkies
Posted by sometimesblue on August 6, 2007, at 14:00:27
In reply to Re: I HATE MYSELF » sometimesblue, posted by ClearSkies on August 6, 2007, at 11:43:13
Thanks for listening, it's great to meet you.
I'm not sure my problem is constant drinking...i binge drink. I'll go a week or 2 at a time when i'm drinking everyday, and taking pills...maybe it's provoked by the depression...not really sure. I'm just tired of hating myself the next morning, or wondering what did I do the night before. But sober, I feel nothing. Just bored, which leads to sad...to depression, to anxiety...i just can't stand either side of the fence.
Posted by ClearSkies on August 6, 2007, at 15:04:16
In reply to Re: I HATE MYSELF, posted by sometimesblue on August 6, 2007, at 14:00:27
> Thanks for listening, it's great to meet you.
>
> I'm not sure my problem is constant drinking...i binge drink. I'll go a week or 2 at a time when i'm drinking everyday, and taking pills...maybe it's provoked by the depression...not really sure. I'm just tired of hating myself the next morning, or wondering what did I do the night before. But sober, I feel nothing. Just bored, which leads to sad...to depression, to anxiety...i just can't stand either side of the fence.Yes, boredom is a problem. When you're not sober, you have to face the fact that you aren't where you want to be. When you drink, you don't get the chance to be bored. (Just embarrassed or guilty, the next day.) But I'd say that maybe boredom - or feeling "nothing" - sounds a lot like depression. Maybe you drink or take pills because you're depressed in the first place, and it feels like boredom, and not sadness.
Oh, and I've spent a long time on that fence. Years, really.
take care, OK? And keep posting - it's good to post.ClearSkies
Posted by blueboy on August 20, 2007, at 13:40:50
In reply to I HATE MYSELF, posted by sometimesblue on August 6, 2007, at 11:10:49
> Not sure where to start...I'm trying to be sober, no drinking, no taking pills...But i hate my life sober, and i hate myself high. I get deepressed, anxiety ridden, panic attacks more frequent now. I need to escape but i have too much at stake, kids, husband.
>
> I can't find any pleasure, any balance inside or outside of myself. Not sure where to go, what to do...Okay, I'll tell where to start. Go to Alcoholics Anonymous. You are not going to work out a personal dialogue in writing or inside your own head.
You don't have to stop drinking, you don't have to stop taking pills, you don't have to spend any money, you don't have to admit you're an alcoholic, you don't have to talk when you don't want to. You don't even have to stop whining. Just go. Suit up, show up, and sit there until the meeting is over.
The only alternative is that things will get worse and worse until you hit a bottom that is painful enough to catalyze a real change, or you die.
Posted by SometimesBlue on August 21, 2007, at 10:28:52
In reply to Re: I HATE MYSELF, posted by blueboy on August 20, 2007, at 13:40:50
>> Okay, I'll tell where to start. Go to Alcoholics Anonymous. You are not going to work out a personal dialogue in writing or inside your own head.
Going there, it's like admitting to the world outside myself that I have a problem. I don't always do "stuff"...but when I'm low, I am REALLY low and this seems to be the only way to get out of that crappy feeling that surrounds me. But then ofcourse there's that guilty "i'm a sh***y person" feeling the next day. And no one knows i drank or took some pills, they just see I'm in a good mood and that's fine.Going there means I have to turn my back to everything I once enjoyed (even when it wasn't such a good idea). And then what? I can't be around alcohol or drugs...otherwise what's the point of going, right? And if anyone finds out, you know, they'll treat me different.
How did I get here? I'm not looking for an answer to that one...just throwing it out there...
Posted by blueboy on August 21, 2007, at 12:19:03
In reply to Re:, posted by SometimesBlue on August 21, 2007, at 10:28:52
I'm not gonna argue with you. I've heard this bs a thousand times. I'm sorry that you are going to have to hit a bottom lower than where you are, before you can start to get better.
I wish that I'd had the courage to start and stick with AA before I'd done permanent mental and physical damage to myself, but much more, I am thankful every day that there were all those people willing to help me come to my senses before I killed someone (including myself).
> Going there, it's like admitting to the world outside myself that I have a problem. I don't always do "stuff"...but when I'm low, I am REALLY low and this seems to be the only way to get out of that crappy feeling that surrounds me. But then ofcourse there's that guilty "i'm a sh***y person" feeling the next day. And no one knows i drank or took some pills, they just see I'm in a good mood and that's fine.
>
> Going there means I have to turn my back to everything I once enjoyed (even when it wasn't such a good idea). And then what? I can't be around alcohol or drugs...otherwise what's the point of going, right? And if anyone finds out, you know, they'll treat me different.
>
> How did I get here? I'm not looking for an answer to that one...just throwing it out there...
>
Posted by Deputy Dinah on August 21, 2007, at 12:58:23
In reply to Re:, posted by blueboy on August 21, 2007, at 12:19:03
> I've heard this bs a thousand times.
I recognize that you were trying to be helpful, but Dr. Bob asks that we abide by the civility guidelines of this site.
Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Dr. Bob is always free to override deputy decisions. His email is on the bottom of each page. Please feel free to email him if you believe this decision was made in error.
Dinah, acting as deputy to Dr. Bob
Posted by SometimesBlue on August 21, 2007, at 15:55:35
In reply to Re:, posted by blueboy on August 21, 2007, at 12:19:03
although, i'm sure you know that some ppl do need that more than others...life is never as simple as "this is what you should do"...never.
Posted by sam123 on September 19, 2007, at 15:28:09
In reply to Re:, posted by SometimesBlue on August 21, 2007, at 10:28:52
>
> Going there, it's like admitting to the world outside myself that I have a problem. I don't always do "stuff"...but when I'm low, I am REALLY low and this seems to be the only way to get out of that crappy feeling that surrounds me. But then ofcourse there's that guilty "i'm a sh***y person" feeling the next day. And no one knows i drank or took some pills, they just see I'm in a good mood and that's fine.
>
> Going there means I have to turn my back to everything I once enjoyed (even when it wasn't such a good idea). And then what? I can't be around alcohol or drugs...otherwise what's the point of going, right? And if anyone finds out, you know, they'll treat me different.
>
> How did I get here? I'm not looking for an answer to that one...just throwing it out there...
>
Good excuses !
Posted by Sigismund on October 1, 2007, at 2:13:16
In reply to Re:, posted by sam123 on September 19, 2007, at 15:28:09
I suppose the good thing about AA or NA is that you can threaten yourself with it?
Posted by sometimesblue on October 1, 2007, at 8:46:14
In reply to Re:, posted by Sigismund on October 1, 2007, at 2:13:16
Yeah...it worked. I haven't had a drink in about 3 weeks now. I guess that's something right. It's better if i'm the only one who knows i have a problem.
-SB [not so blue anymore]
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