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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by verne on November 12, 2005, at 21:19:19
16 days and I nearly fell through the ice today. My daughter cancelled a get-together and I suddenly started thinking about drinking. I struggled for hours with the idea and even started making plans to arrange transportation to the store or even ride my bike.
In addition, we've yet to sign the sobriety "contract" so I felt like I had a green light. In fact, we were supposed to sign the contract when she came over.
Somehow all the waffling back and forth created the worst anxiety I've experienced in months. I now was calling possible rides every 5 minutes and checking the tires on the bike and calculating how much I could carry in the basket and over the handlebars. To make matters worse it would be dark soon.
I ate something, brewed some Nighty-Night tea - I like this blend because it doesn't have valerian root. Wish these herb teas didn't make me flush and sweat so much - soporific I think they call it. Seems like any herb that has medicinal qualities is also soporific.
Times like these I wish I had a benzo. I really need to get back into meditating on a regular basis so I don't get this far out of whack in the first place.
I think my daughter will pop by briefly tomorrow so we can at least sign the contract. It's pretty simple although I'm tempted to add a few more vices like computer games and following the news. I can't count the times that something in the news has made me more inclined to drink.
I'm thankful I somehow made it through today. My future seems bleak at this rate but I guess I still have hope that one day this runaway train will at least slow down.
Verne
Posted by TexasChic on November 12, 2005, at 21:34:46
In reply to Close Call, posted by verne on November 12, 2005, at 21:19:19
Hey, you made it through a major hurdle, don't minimize that! Its something to be proud of.
-T
Posted by ClearSkies on November 13, 2005, at 15:13:17
In reply to Close Call, posted by verne on November 12, 2005, at 21:19:19
Every "test" I pass - whether it feels like it fell from the sky or I deliberately put myself through it - is a major victory. I didn't need much of an exuse to drink in the first place, really. But to hang on to a reason to *not* drink? It's a true achievement. Every day I put my head on my pillow without passing out is a good one.
CS
Posted by antigua on November 13, 2005, at 17:21:13
In reply to Close Call, posted by verne on November 12, 2005, at 21:19:19
I'm glad you made it and you give me hope. I've been wavering a bit lately, but I haven't taken that drink and today I won't knowing that you made it too.
thanks,
antigua
Posted by verne on November 13, 2005, at 20:51:04
In reply to Re: Close Call, posted by antigua on November 13, 2005, at 17:21:13
Thanks. This morning I signed a kind of sobriety contract with my daughter and I also agreed with a friend who drives me grocery shopping that I wouldn't buy alcohol.
The agreement includes a few absolutes like not drinking, meditating twice a day, reading scripture, and exercising 30 minutes per day (or more, of course).
It also includes an optional "try to do" list that includes reading the Borderline Personality Disorder Skills Manual each day, not watching or reading news, not playing computer games, following a healthy diet (and charting it), limiting internet use, and cutting back on supplements. I sometimes get into trouble when I take handfuls of supplements. I just need to be sensible about it.
It's not in the contract but I won't do pot (the only drug I might try) or use some of the odd exotic enthobotanicals like kratom.
I plan to chart my progress with all the optional stuff. I just hope to gently limit certain activities and increase involvement in more fulfilling pursuits.
Verne
Posted by sal0805 on November 14, 2005, at 12:00:23
In reply to Close Call, posted by verne on November 12, 2005, at 21:19:19
You are special and strong and your post inspired me.
Sabrina
Posted by verne on November 15, 2005, at 15:37:29
In reply to Re: Close Call » verne, posted by sal0805 on November 14, 2005, at 12:00:23
thanks for the kind words.
This would have been my 19th day. I got so worked up yesterday and this morning I simply couldn't calm down so I'm drinking today.
I'm not all that depressed about it but feel bad about the "contract" I signed with my daughter. How will I explain that one? I guess I need to exclude her from my drinking struggle since I don't want to make her any more codependent than she already is.
I'm thankful for any and every day I manage not to drink. I'll try to keep it down to a low roar today. At least I can't play high stakes poker at pogo - I don't have any tokens to play with.
It's so strange that once I cancel my pogo.com subscription and cash in all my tokens, I win $250.00. Add to that it's a full moon.
Last night I went for a walk and I immediately looked for the moon - I knew it was near full. I had the full moon heebie jeebies. It's like high tide in my head.
As I opened my first beer - which I'm still on - a hawk appeared outside my window. I kid you not. We watched each other for 5 minutes. It perched on a fence post less than twenty feet away.
It seemed interested in the birdbaths on my patio but didn't take the plunge. The resident squirrel, only ten feet away, scolded it with impunity. Later I saw crows gathering to harrass the hawk in a nearby tree.
Hawks don't get no respect around here.
Verne
Posted by alexandra_k on November 16, 2005, at 2:19:45
In reply to Drinking Again, Sorry All, posted by verne on November 15, 2005, at 15:37:29
Posted by verne on November 16, 2005, at 9:58:44
In reply to Re: (((((Verne))))) (nm) » verne, posted by alexandra_k on November 16, 2005, at 2:19:45
Sorry for any crazy, drunken posts last night on this and any other board. I felt like crap after the fifth beer but pushed on until I drank about 13.
I poured out the rest. Thankful I survived.
Verne
Posted by TexasChic on November 16, 2005, at 18:43:33
In reply to PWD, posted by verne on November 16, 2005, at 9:58:44
Posted by verne on November 18, 2005, at 21:09:40
In reply to Close Call, posted by verne on November 12, 2005, at 21:19:19
Still feeling rough, I somehow overcame my fears and headed for the county park this morning. The first mile on the trail was uneventful except for a foreign woman yelling (Russian I think) at her child who was struggling to climb a hill.
I saw the park ranger on a tractor blowing leaves off the trail in the distance. I picked another trail hoping to avoid the noise but he found me soon enough. About 5 minutes after the ranger passed by I noticed a rather tall stocky fellow approaching.
I tried not to appear anxious but he did seem to have a vibe about him. As he got closer I noticed something in his hand. When we passed each other I could see he had a pistol at his side nearly pointed at me. I said a prayer and expected to be shot in the back. Now I knew what those "popping" sounds I had heard earlier were.
I didn't turn around and picked up the pace until I was out of sight. I found the ranger and reported what I saw. He said he would handle it and declined my offer of assistance. (I'm not sure how I could have helped but I worried about him confronting this guy alone)
Later I called the ranger's station and he said he had talked to the guy and had also reported it to the police. The guy said he didn't feel safe with escaped convicts on the loose (we had a couple escape from the state pen about 100 miles away).
I hate guns and never owned one. (borrowed a few while in the army) One of my biggest fears is encountering someone with a gun or getting shot during hunting season. I used to think I was being unreasonable, and my fears, farfetched. Now what?
I'm hoping to keep walking the same trail (or set of trails) even though I've since found out this armed guy is a frequent visitor to the park. At least now there's a record. I think I'll follow up with a call to the county sheriff.
Isn't that the way it goes? We seem to attract our fears.
Verne
Posted by ClearSkies on November 19, 2005, at 6:23:34
In reply to Third Day and Went for a Walk, posted by verne on November 18, 2005, at 21:09:40
Verne, your experience would keep me in my house! Very frightened of guns.
I really admire your tenacity and willingness to deal with your anxieties - it's a challenge for any of us and doubly so when you have the added stress of staying sober. Stay strong!
CS
Posted by TexasChic on December 10, 2005, at 19:01:52
In reply to Third Day and Went for a Walk, posted by verne on November 18, 2005, at 21:09:40
Dude, that's messed up! Its got to be illegal to walk around with your gun drawn. IMHO, I would report it to the cops in person. Especially if you see him with it again. Plus, what was up with those popping sounds you heard? Was he shooting at something? Yeah, that dude obviously has a problem, and reporting him may be the best way to get him help before he hurts somebody.
I hope you are able to enjoy your park again soon. I find nature to be so theraputic. I've been checking into the parks in my area too. Hopefully my experience won't be quite as eventful as yours!
-T
Posted by verne on December 10, 2005, at 19:49:12
In reply to Re: Third Day and Went for a Walk » verne, posted by TexasChic on December 10, 2005, at 19:01:52
I called the police a few days later and they had already confiscated the gun. The park ranger had contacted them the day I reported it and knew who the guy was. The police went to his house.
The guy with the pistol explained to the police that he was afraid of running into escaped convicts on the trail. I think he wanted to find an "escaped convict".
And it turns out he had fired it when he saw me in the distance, getting ready for action I suppose. I also noticed that he brought the gun up to his side as he approached me. It was nearly pointed at me.
What's really wild is that the guy is nearly blind. Good combination, guns and poor eyesight.
Glad the police took it seriously. I haven't seen the guy since.
Verne
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