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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 6:02:48
I promised myself I would NOT drink last night. The same promise I make to myself EVERY night. I broke that promise to myself yet again. And yet again, I don't remember falling into bed. And yet again, I didn't brush my teeth, or wash my face, and yet again, I got some sleep.
I hate myself.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 7:08:31
In reply to Another broken promise, posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 6:02:48
Good morning, Sabrina. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Our good intentions not to drink are never enough to keep ourselves from doing it. Have you tried going to AA? There are so many people it has helped. (Not to disuade you, but I wasn't one of them :( )
I'd be happy to talk with you about this. Can you tell me what you did last night (up until you can't remember)? Do you do the same things every night?
Please take care and write back.
pc
Posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 7:58:09
In reply to Re: Another broken promise » SAW, posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 7:08:31
Hi Pc
I cannot really do AA or anything like that. I've admitted to myself that I have a problem, but my family, including my husband don't suspect anything. I am also just not into the whole group therapy thing. If fact the very idea makes me want to vomit.
I am so frustrated because there weren't even any triggers or anything last night. It was a night like any other and simply a question of go home and drink mineral water. But of course, this isn't my routine now is it! So I had my usual glass of wine while cooking dinner and I knew, knew, knew that I would never stop after 1 glass. I also cannot sip like I used to. If I did, I wouldn't get so blind drunk. I take huge gulps, I guess the quicker to feel the buzz.
I sort of remember telling my husband to go to bed that I would be there shortly. I know I wanted to have another drink! I do not remember getting into bed. The worst is pretending to remember conversations and actions. Actually that isn't so bad, the worst is pretending to remember my husband made love to me when if it weren't for my body telling me, I wouldn't even have known!!!It's morning on your side, It's afternoon my side and a couple of hours to my home time and that welcome drink!
Thanks for your support
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 8:18:35
In reply to Re: Another broken promise » partlycloudy, posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 7:58:09
Yikes. That was me about 10 years ago. It has only become worse. It didn't really help me to confide in my family; they couldn't understand what I was going through, and it just alienated me further. Technically, you're going through blackouts. They are much more common if you drink while on an AD.
The best thing to do is to get yourself some counselling. No one has to know what you are getting help for. For me it has helped to change my routine to limit the opportunity for me to drink. I have read loads of books and talked to many doctors about this subject. Personally, I am finding my own path to sobriety. It's a rough road and I've taken some wrong turns, but life is better than it was.
((((SAW))))
Posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 8:23:40
In reply to Re: Another broken promise » SAW, posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 8:18:35
Yes, I think I will also be taking my own path. And I know that once one has admitted the problem that the process has started. I know it's going to take a long, long time and probably a lot more damage to my liver and self-esteem before I make a breakthrough, but I will, I just have to.
Thanks for my hug. I do feel sore (saw).Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 8:46:34
In reply to Re: Another broken promise » partlycloudy, posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 8:23:40
For misguided advice, personal experience, commiseration, and general support.
pc
Posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 8:51:22
In reply to I'm always here » SAW, posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 8:46:34
Posted by Starlight on August 31, 2004, at 14:22:59
In reply to Another broken promise, posted by SAW on August 31, 2004, at 6:02:48
Stop making promises to yourself to not drink. That's a surefire way to make yourself feel even more guilty for drinking when you do, thereby continuing the downward spiral that makes you drink in the first place.
Just accept that there's a reason that you keep engaging in the behavior and seek out things that make you want to stop. Try becoming a runner, or start working out at a gym. Try to just observe yourself from a distance when you start feeling the urge to drink. Create some distractions. But stop making yourself feel guilty, it only makes it worse. It just creates another disappointment, another reason why you don't like yourself in the first place. There's a reason that you're in this predicament, what's the positive? What has it taught you? Why do you want to stop? Why do you drink? Start asking yourself these questions, read, dig deep into addiction issues and be with people who don't judge you either. The last thing you need right now is to feel bad about yourself. Focus on your good qualities and start to build on those.
starlight
Posted by SAW on September 1, 2004, at 1:56:47
In reply to Re: Another broken promise, posted by Starlight on August 31, 2004, at 14:22:59
Dear Starlight
I have printed your post to read more carefully, and to add to my workbook of self help. I will try to be truly honest when answering the questions you propose I ask myself. I have much hard work to do! Thank youSabrina
Posted by SAW on September 1, 2004, at 4:09:13
In reply to I'm always here » SAW, posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 8:46:34
I wrote the following last night, and promise not to edit but leave it as is. (I tend to write strangely when drinking).
------------------------------------------------
Dear Partlycloudly
I am at home, writing this down to type and post to you tomorrow. I have just poured my third or fourth, somewhere around there, drink. I still feel fine. Hubby working late. Kiddie watching cartoons – and me writing to you. (Must get internet at home).I was thinking about you saying you “were me” 10 years ago and reached the assumption that is has surely been a very long and hard 10 years for you, but at the same time that you are better off now than you were 10 years ago? If that is so, there’s hope for me yet.
I am drinking tonight because of all the usual reasons but also because I am hungry and don’t want to eat. I don’t always eat when I’m drinking. Of course, I don’t know which is more harmful …. calories from food or calories from alcohol. Not that it matters (because both do). Gosh, I am only realizing now, just how much I am holding inside and how much I am reaching out to you. You have been where I am now and you totally understand. And I see a wonderful (somewhat agitated) serenity in your other posts. And you reached out to me with support where no-one else did. And you don’t even know me. (And I somehow would love to get my private email address to you, or yours to me). I am also remembering tonight, your post about your holiday and how you “fell apart” and I know that I have been there too. (On my honeymoon).
I know you hurt, I know that it has been as hard as it could ever be for you, but is there anyway, Partlycloudly, that you can tell me that it gets better?? I have seen much strength in your convictions.
Is it, in anyway, easier now, than it was 10 years ago? Wow, I am “downloading” on you. I am so sorry. It’s just that when you said “yikes”, I knew you understood and when you offered me advice (even though you feel it’s misguided), I felt comforted. I know my problems and disorders would be greatly reduced without the blessed alcohol ….. sigh …..
Thank you for being there.
Good morning
Well, I at least remember writing that last night. I had a fairly uneventful evening. I purposely did not have any wine at home, but driving home from work, I chickened out and bought some. I was lying on the couch watching TV when hubby came home. I asked him a few things this morning and he said we had these discussions last night. I, of course, covered up and said oops I forgot. Naturally, I don’t remember a bloomin thing. Also don’t remember going to bed. And I know tonight will be the same.Once again, thanks for being there.
SabrinaPS. Started 150mg Effexor today from 75mg. Not feeling any side effects yet.
Posted by partlycloudy on September 1, 2004, at 10:01:34
In reply to Re: I'm always here (long) » partlycloudy, posted by SAW on September 1, 2004, at 4:09:13
...via email. You can reach me at partlycloudy at gmail dot com.
I think it is terribly important to feel less isolated when depression is accompanied by a drink problem.
I'm presuming you live in the UK? That's where I did my finest drinking. Best gin in the entire world.
email me when you can, Sabrina. I look forward to hearing from you.
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