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Re: I'm always here (long) » partlycloudy

Posted by SAW on September 1, 2004, at 4:09:13

In reply to I'm always here » SAW, posted by partlycloudy on August 31, 2004, at 8:46:34

I wrote the following last night, and promise not to edit but leave it as is. (I tend to write strangely when drinking).

------------------------------------------------
Dear Partlycloudly
I am at home, writing this down to type and post to you tomorrow. I have just poured my third or fourth, somewhere around there, drink. I still feel fine. Hubby working late. Kiddie watching cartoons – and me writing to you. (Must get internet at home).

I was thinking about you saying you “were me” 10 years ago and reached the assumption that is has surely been a very long and hard 10 years for you, but at the same time that you are better off now than you were 10 years ago? If that is so, there’s hope for me yet.

I am drinking tonight because of all the usual reasons but also because I am hungry and don’t want to eat. I don’t always eat when I’m drinking. Of course, I don’t know which is more harmful …. calories from food or calories from alcohol. Not that it matters (because both do). Gosh, I am only realizing now, just how much I am holding inside and how much I am reaching out to you. You have been where I am now and you totally understand. And I see a wonderful (somewhat agitated) serenity in your other posts. And you reached out to me with support where no-one else did. And you don’t even know me. (And I somehow would love to get my private email address to you, or yours to me). I am also remembering tonight, your post about your holiday and how you “fell apart” and I know that I have been there too. (On my honeymoon).

I know you hurt, I know that it has been as hard as it could ever be for you, but is there anyway, Partlycloudly, that you can tell me that it gets better?? I have seen much strength in your convictions.

Is it, in anyway, easier now, than it was 10 years ago? Wow, I am “downloading” on you. I am so sorry. It’s just that when you said “yikes”, I knew you understood and when you offered me advice (even though you feel it’s misguided), I felt comforted. I know my problems and disorders would be greatly reduced without the blessed alcohol ….. sigh …..

Thank you for being there.

Good morning
Well, I at least remember writing that last night. I had a fairly uneventful evening. I purposely did not have any wine at home, but driving home from work, I chickened out and bought some. I was lying on the couch watching TV when hubby came home. I asked him a few things this morning and he said we had these discussions last night. I, of course, covered up and said oops I forgot. Naturally, I don’t remember a bloomin thing. Also don’t remember going to bed. And I know tonight will be the same.

Once again, thanks for being there.
Sabrina

PS. Started 150mg Effexor today from 75mg. Not feeling any side effects yet.


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poster:SAW thread:384511
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040722/msgs/385141.html