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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Temmie on November 27, 2003, at 0:56:02
I am feeling sick again, and have fallen back into this horrible black sea of despair. Paul has been calling me, and somewhat lucid, I began to be deluded again ... into the belief ... that maybe there was some hope for us. Last night he was put in jail for violating his parole (I guess he called his son, and because his ex had an order of protection, she had him arrested). Today he called me ... from jail. He asked that I call his mother ... and later I heard from his brother. Brother called me "Jane," then mentioned that Paul had emailed Jane recently. Jane is the woman who filed the initial A&B charges that started this whole downward spiral -- and she, too, could have had him arrested based on his betrayal of her court-ordered restraining order ....
I am sick, sick, sick, and confused. I've become seduced by a disease so cunning, it's sucked me into an obsession with a man who -- clearly -- doesn't deserve me, and who has little, if not less than little, to offer.
Still I feel sick ... and shaky. Please, if you aren't sick of hearing this saga by now, please write me tonight and help me stay strong.
I chaired my first Al-Anon meeting today, and am working my program as best as I'm able. I admit that I've been powerless over this disease, and that my life HAS become unmanageable. I DO believe in a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity. I AM working to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.
I do want release from this insanity. Following is a letter I'm sending Paul. Please let me know if you think I'm out of line. I want him to know how done I am ... even though I don't feel fully there yet. Oh, God help me to be done with this man, this disease, and this insanity.
Sad, sad Temmie. (On the one-year anniversary of our meeting. Don't you feel it's time to call this to an end!!!)
* * * * *
Dear Paul (c/o the County Jail/House of Correction)
I talked with your mom, and have talked with other family members who’ve called this evening. I understand you e-mailed Jane recently, and am writing to tell you, number one, that I don’t understand you, and number two, that I don’t want to be a part of this relationship anymore.
I can’t bear to think of myself at the same level of function as Jane, a woman you’ve always described as sick and obsessed. I can’t bear to think of myself as circling in the same orbit as other women, hoping somehow, that you’ll "come home," or come back to them, or that there’s some hint or promise of a future together, once you get well.
I love you and care for you, but I’m done with the insanity. My life has also become unmanageable as a result of this disease and, as we both know, the most important person I need to care for is myself. Taking good care includes severing ties with a man who has not been able to show any level of fidelity, and who has also demonstrated, time and again, that he’s got more to invest in his dysfunction than in his own best care or those who have given their all.
Take care. Get treatment. Be well. You’ve got a lot to give, but I am done with the insanity.
Temmie
Posted by zenhussy on November 27, 2003, at 2:46:39
In reply to Last Gasp from the Woman Addicted to Crack Head, posted by Temmie on November 27, 2003, at 0:56:02
Temmie,
Strength be to you woman. Peace. You've said what is needed from your heart. It is powerful and painful.
Be very good to you please Temmie.
Blessings.
zenhussy
Posted by stjames on November 27, 2003, at 16:41:17
In reply to Last Gasp from the Woman Addicted to Crack Head, posted by Temmie on November 27, 2003, at 0:56:02
mean it, do it, live it.
Posted by krazybirdlady on November 27, 2003, at 20:30:53
In reply to Last Gasp from the Woman Addicted to Crack Head, posted by Temmie on November 27, 2003, at 0:56:02
temmie...i have read all your posts and may i say that i know what you are going through. many people suffer addictions to narcotics, but others can suffer addictions to the abuser. you have acnowledged and accepted that. now do what you know you must....free yourself. you are not responsible for him, you never were. you are responsible only for YOUR own life....
Posted by Temmie on November 27, 2003, at 20:57:01
In reply to Re: Last Gasp from the Woman Addicted to Crack Hea, posted by stjames on November 27, 2003, at 16:41:17
Mean it, do it, live it. Thank you, all. It's time to do just that.
The problem with bellyaching ... comes in the follow-through ... or the lack there-of ...
... and the shame of coming up for air ...
... then bellyaching some more.
I think I'm getting there, and I'll keep those six words as a mantra.
Thank you, T.
Posted by stjames on November 28, 2003, at 16:30:01
In reply to Noble Remarks, posted by Temmie on November 27, 2003, at 20:57:01
At the same time, remember you are human and can make mistakes.
Posted by Temmie on November 28, 2003, at 17:00:20
In reply to Re: Noble Remarks, posted by stjames on November 28, 2003, at 16:30:01
Well I do, stjames. Make mistakes. I keep thinking, "say it, mean it, do it," then read your note again (taped to my computer) and remind myself of the key:
live it.
I've sent Paul the letter (with a few changes). I'm not taking his calls (numerous). I'm off to a meeting, and I'm faking it until I'm making it. I'm more upset about the infidelity ... and the deception therein, than the drug use. That's how crazy and skewed my vision is -- but I'm getting there. In the words of Stewart Smalley (do I have the name right?), "I'm a good person [a viable, valuable, worthy, and lovable person], and I'm worth it."
Temmie
Posted by Temmie on November 28, 2003, at 17:01:55
In reply to Re: Noble Remarks, posted by stjames on November 28, 2003, at 16:30:01
The nights are long and lonely, and drawing on my inner resources as best as I'm able ... I still appreciate and benefit from the company and the rally-round-the-flag support.
This is the end of the thread.
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