Posted by Temmie on November 27, 2003, at 0:56:02
I am feeling sick again, and have fallen back into this horrible black sea of despair. Paul has been calling me, and somewhat lucid, I began to be deluded again ... into the belief ... that maybe there was some hope for us. Last night he was put in jail for violating his parole (I guess he called his son, and because his ex had an order of protection, she had him arrested). Today he called me ... from jail. He asked that I call his mother ... and later I heard from his brother. Brother called me "Jane," then mentioned that Paul had emailed Jane recently. Jane is the woman who filed the initial A&B charges that started this whole downward spiral -- and she, too, could have had him arrested based on his betrayal of her court-ordered restraining order ....
I am sick, sick, sick, and confused. I've become seduced by a disease so cunning, it's sucked me into an obsession with a man who -- clearly -- doesn't deserve me, and who has little, if not less than little, to offer.
Still I feel sick ... and shaky. Please, if you aren't sick of hearing this saga by now, please write me tonight and help me stay strong.
I chaired my first Al-Anon meeting today, and am working my program as best as I'm able. I admit that I've been powerless over this disease, and that my life HAS become unmanageable. I DO believe in a Higher Power who can restore me to sanity. I AM working to turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power.
I do want release from this insanity. Following is a letter I'm sending Paul. Please let me know if you think I'm out of line. I want him to know how done I am ... even though I don't feel fully there yet. Oh, God help me to be done with this man, this disease, and this insanity.
Sad, sad Temmie. (On the one-year anniversary of our meeting. Don't you feel it's time to call this to an end!!!)
* * * * *
Dear Paul (c/o the County Jail/House of Correction)
I talked with your mom, and have talked with other family members who’ve called this evening. I understand you e-mailed Jane recently, and am writing to tell you, number one, that I don’t understand you, and number two, that I don’t want to be a part of this relationship anymore.
I can’t bear to think of myself at the same level of function as Jane, a woman you’ve always described as sick and obsessed. I can’t bear to think of myself as circling in the same orbit as other women, hoping somehow, that you’ll "come home," or come back to them, or that there’s some hint or promise of a future together, once you get well.
I love you and care for you, but I’m done with the insanity. My life has also become unmanageable as a result of this disease and, as we both know, the most important person I need to care for is myself. Taking good care includes severing ties with a man who has not been able to show any level of fidelity, and who has also demonstrated, time and again, that he’s got more to invest in his dysfunction than in his own best care or those who have given their all.
Take care. Get treatment. Be well. You’ve got a lot to give, but I am done with the insanity.
Temmie
poster:Temmie
thread:284344
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20031014/msgs/284344.html