![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 351 to 375 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2014, at 23:38:46
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on November 27, 2014, at 19:38:50
i found a bunch of documentaries on youtube... there is a young doctor one, from australia. and a surgeon one, from the UK. the more i learn about what is involved (and yes, i know tv doesn't give you a full picture)... the more i know that i really really really really do want to do it.
and the more... possible it seems. do start to get a better idea of things. also found message boards... people are very forthcoming about various aspects. more... more real. people aren't trying to be impressive, or whatever. getting a better sense of how i would find various things.
of course it is partly about... saving me. i can interact with people in structured environments. very well, actually. i got to be fairly good at working in hospitality. there was a structure to the interaction. i think i could similarly get quite good at taking histories, and the like. doing physical exams, even. because the interactions are structured. and i do need people interaction. for my own sanity. but i also need people to be... slightly more at arms length? maybe it really just is about having a more structured interaction.
people are saying they start out being afraid of bothering people on the wards... then it isn't until their later years that they start to appreciate that most of the people in hospital are very bored and would actually enjoy having a medical student want to practice examining them or taking their history. oh. sure. i get that most people in hospital are bored. i remember how freaking bored i was when i was stuck there. if a med student had have wanted to take my history i would have been stoked. if they wanted to physically examine me... i might have said 'no'. but i wouldn't have felt badly for their having asked.
and most patients don't understand hierarchy. i mean... i knew who the big boss guy was... but for all i knew, he was just the boss of my case and one of his side-kicks could have been boss of the next case they were doing on their ward rounds... i didn't know the difference between registrar and 3rd year medical student. i didn't know the less senior people were the ones going about in herds... patients don't know any of that stuff... and most people assume that second year medical students know heaps heaps heaps heaps heaps more than they do and so on... because most people have no idea of the medical curriculum. and so on...
there was this chick on the aussie one... house doc. so... what were they? i think they were 7th year. so first paid job out of medical school. the cardio thoracic surgeon was talking her through the taking of an artery from here... and the making of a new coronary artery over there... and he was going 'blah blah blah blah blah high school physics - yes?' and she was like 'i didn't do physics! or maths!' and she was like... 'i was going to be a journalist...' and, yeah. that's just the way things are these days...
everyone seems to think they worked far harder in first year than in any of the subsequent. that second year... you have to group study because everyone is asking 'so, uh, what are we supposed to actually learn... like, do we need to memorise all that or??? what do we focus on??' and nobody seems to know... and then later, people are all about... finding books... and learning from those... so...
i have found toronto notes... i see... stuff like that... and you read up on the relevant sections before you go off to do your clinical placement... and if you don't want to be a surgeon then most of your anatomy is probably a bit pointless... but if you do... well... that's the first thing they will want to assess... to see whether they can be bothered investing any time in you on your clinical placement. i would suppose. because otherwise... in and out in a matter of a few weeks... easy come easy go and if they don't particularly want to know...
the england one was good, too, for getting a better sense of... being assertive. appropriately. nobody is going to tell you to operate. or to do whatever. you have to stand up and ask 'can i do it?' partly because there might be different people falling over each other to do it... but also partly because... being forced to do a thing like that could be seriously traumatic...
thinking about how... surgeons will sometimes stand up and say 'haven't done it before'. or, whatever... but still be able to convey confidence. i guess the idea is to be more like that... and early on... nobody will let you do something you are likely to f*ck up. people keep their eyes on you... they won't let you do anything that is too much or that is irrevokable or whatever... so, yeah. later students are all... 'i wish i knew then what i know now i would have been much pushier in asking to do things and in pestering patients since now i know they mostly enjoy it'.
so, yeah...
anyway... learning how to read a heart EEG... yeah... graphs... gotta love 'em...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 0:27:06
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on November 29, 2014, at 23:38:46
kind of disappointed... met with someone today. someone who is taking a few months off work to prepare for next year... thought the person might turn out to be similarly motivated to me... that we might be able to figure a way of productively working together...
turns out that he's not, really. was more interested in being impressive with having done this and that... is fairly prepared to take nursing or something allied health as a back up (but is perhaps a little delusional about chances of that?) reminded me... a lot of me last year. when i was like 'it's first year ffs, i mean, how hard can it be???' only... he's B's and C's from an unknown uni whereas at least I was coming in with A+'s...
I suppose I should be happy... One less competition. Think of it that way. I feel sad, though. Because I thought I may have found a friend. A collaborative study partner, at least. I suppose it is possible I'm being a bit harsh... But three tables from lecture one... I impressed that upon him... That was the content... Three tables from lecture one... And he was too busy wanting to talk about how he knows it already... Curriculum from later years... Etc etc etc... To actually learn the content.
I think... I think people actually might do most of their study alone for year one... People seem... A little... Shocked? At actually needing to transition to group study second year when they don't know how to figure out what they are supposed to learn exactly, anymore.
Anyway... I'm okay... Just keep on... Trucking on...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:10:58
In reply to Re:, posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 0:27:06
I got a B-
Which is better than a C.
I also noticed it says 'academic standing' 'outstanding results after satisfactory progress'. I've never seen anything like that before... But it makes me feel better about life :)
It is possible that I was a bit harsh about how this meeting went today. I suppose I might have come across as a bit intimidating... And I'd had a chance to go through the material already and he hadn't. And of course there are different ways of learning and there could even be different takes on what we should learn... But since he didn't try and direct things at all...
Anyway, I guess I'll leave it up to him whether he wants to meet again... And if he does... See what he brings to the table next time.
Just waiting on law... Lets see if I can keep my B average for this year ahaha
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:16:22
In reply to physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:10:58
> I also noticed it says 'academic standing' 'outstanding results after satisfactory progress'.actually... what the hell does that mean? it would make more sense to me if it was 'satisfactory result after outstanding progress' given that i knew absolutely zip about physics since before i started the course...
confused...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:24:57
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:16:22
ah. seems they mean my progress towards my degree is satisfactory since i maintained a part time workload... and my progress is outstanding in that i passed more than half my courses.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 15:36:26
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 3:24:57
so... after taking the night to think on it i've processed things to a much happier place. i won't meet with him again. there were a bunch of things that didn't add up for me. or... that added up for me into a picture that really does suggest that i'm best to keep a cool distance from him.
i've factored in that i was outstandingly lucky to have met the study group of people i did for psychology, before. the main person who made that work was in very many respects a truly remarkable individual and that is unlikely to happen for me again. i shouldn't hold potential friends to the same expectations... and i should also factor that it takes time to learn how to productively work with a person. can't expect things to go swimmingly off the bat.
but this guy was... lazy. and full of yap yap yap yap yap and not prepared to knuckle down and get on with the task. he didn't bring anything to the table. he came to a 'study group' without a pen. without paper. he wanted to moan about how he hated embryology. he wanted to dismiss a bunch of stuff that he couldn't answer high level questions on because he didn't know it because he was convinced that he did already know it.
at a couple of points the lecture notes i'd printed off for him blew away. the first time... he was on his mobile... and he expected people a table over / me to get out of our seats to get them back for him. i've learned that sometimes people set up or 'pretend' phone conversations because they think other people will listen in and be impressed. this was probably a case of that. it doesn't work on me because i respect peoples privacy enough to purposely not listen in. besides... it was the most productive 5 minutes of study time there was in the whole time we were together. the second time his notes blew away i was like 'i'm not getting them for you this time'.
he didn't have an instinctive response to jump up and chase / grab something that was supposedly dear to his heart. not even out of respect / appreciation for the fact that i'd gone to the effort to print them off for him.
that is weird. the people the table over noticed it and gave him skeptical glances... putting all the bits together...
i think he's 'having a go' when it comes to medicine and he thinks that it will be easy for him to get into nursing. which it won't. because it really is very competitive here. i didn't realise that the program here is the only university nursing degree (rather than technical college nursing degree) in the country. and with the medical school here... all the scrub nurses etc will be coming out of here... i think he'll be lucky to get a place in that. i mean, i think he'll have to work a bit harder than he thinks he'll have to in order to earn a place in that. to start with he was all 'i'm just going to focus on preparing over the next few months' and he also said he was going to enroll in a summer school paper. but now... he plans to take a bunch of time off to travel a bit... and he was really sick of work and wanting time off... and then he's going to keep up working part time... and the summer school enrollment didn't work out...
he's full of it.
i suppose he's in shock that i'm probably the only person to have said 'hey, why don't you take another year. what makes you think you have a chance?' like how i was in shock after hearing that last year...
anyway... with the respect to mutual benefit. not happening.
_____
dude was weirder than me. i was... surprisingly normal. i mean... i felt surprisingly normal. coffee shop interaction and whatever... just the whole thing. i see... nobody ever thought i was asperger's because i wasn't able to conduct a normal conversation. i mean... they didn't diagnose it on that basis. when i'm in sensory overwhelm / meltdown i'm not able to... but when i'm not in sensory overwhelm i can actually be quite good. i mean, really. able to maintain appropriate eye contact and be very in tune with non-verbal communications etc. like how this guy expected me to run around after him without his doing anything at all for himself. i heard that loud and clear. and i was able to be appropriately assertive, even (after giving him the benefit of the doubt on one occasion in case he had f*ck*d up feet or something)... but then he wasn't even appreciate just expectant... i didn't want to believe it... but after thought... yeah.
i emailed him the course book. i think he will be feeling all victorious that he got something out of me for free. like... happy that he got a half cup of water. what he doesn't realise is that a half cup isn't going to be enough to seriously help him and i had gallons and gallons and gallons of the stuff...
and that is the tragedy of not being able to engage in reciprocal social relationships... and... it was more in him than me.
and today i feel... normal. like this IS possible. thankful for being humbled by my classes this year because it is scaring me into working harder than i would be working otherwise. i also feel... proud of myself. that i handled myself well in my interaction with him. that i really did give him a proper chance. and that now i can walk away feeling good about myself that i did good, yeah. and that i'm not being taken advantage of. because the notes thing, meh. HAVING them is one thing. LEARNING them is the other (much much harder) thing.
_____
And my mates from wellington... things are hard because they love me so. they are upset i didn't try harder to get a government job and stay in the city with them. one of them is a bit jealous i'm getting to learn science. so... they get to gloat a bit about how much money they earn and so on... because it comes from their own insecurity. they have helped me amazingly over the years. they really are family. i can put up with knocks from them because they've shown over and over that they are there when it counts. when i really need them. theyve done more for me than i've been able to do for them... and i need to be a bit more humble (a lot more humble) about that. but also... limit the length of our interaction :)
life... is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 15:41:11
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 15:36:26
i do believe i've figured it out. i think the dude is looking for a wife to look after him.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 17:58:24
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 15:41:11
serves me right for being sexist in my 'chatty cathy' remarks lmfao
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 18:20:34
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 17:58:24
got (part of) my biology exam back and...
lots of lost marks for no reason. as in... 'that is what they said at that bit of the powerpoint and yet i got no marks for it'. and 'i drew that exactly like the textbook picture with ALL the labels' and lost marks for it.
they threw them down the stairs...
and summed one part incorrectly already. i'm not paying more than 50 bucks to get them to give me 1 more percentage (only found one summation error thus far)... they won't actually mark it again / compare it to the ideal.
so...
first test multi-guess takes all, huh. at least the first test multi-guess is scantron. but if you screw that up (e.g., get a B in the first one)... then that's what you get.
good to know.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 18:36:50
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 18:20:34
i think that what is kind of heartbreaking about it... is that i actually did put in quite a lot of work on the neuroscience section. and i made a real effort to learn the bird vs mammal physiology. had a gap when it came to reproduction... but aside from that, my knowledge was fairly good for that. for evolution... i had major personality conflicts with the lecturer and ended up not attending the lectures. and he wouldn't give his powerpoints (part of the reason why i boycotted his lectures). i honestly spent about 1 hour studying evolution immediately prior to the exam... and i got comperable marks across all sections. i mean... i didn't have much to say for the evolution boxes and i got, like 3/5 for the boxes... but then when i know ALL the textbook stages of the action potential (label my axes etc etc) i get marks taken off for no reason so, again, get about 3/5.
in other words... i should have used the way i worked for evolution to work for the rest of the course. i would have got the same mark as what i got. in other words... the course was a work sink. no amount of effort will increase the mark. unless you get an A+ or an A out of that first multi-guess and they, uh... grade the rest of your work with that in mind. i think that is how it goes... unless they cough up their marking guide to persuade me otherwise. and that is what they will not do...
which is tech all over again. i mean... marks don't matter - right?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 2:33:34
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 18:36:50
A+
holy crap.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:19:03
In reply to Re: law, posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 2:33:34
i really am unbelievably happy over that grade. i pulled on my shoes and went for a big walk around the city around mid-night. i gave some thought to forgetting about medicine and going for law. some serious thought. i realised that i'm really very disappointed in how i've done in my science classes this year. going into the year... i told myself i'd be happy with A-'s. but that was me trying to convince myself, really. trying to convince myself that it wouldn't be the end of the world if i didn't get A+'s or A's. i thought that A-'s would be realistic... and would set me up well for the following year. i am very disappointed, indeed, to have come out the end with B's for science.
i think i really did start to worry that i might not be able to get A's even in philosophy papers here. maybe i only got A's before because I didn't go to a particularly competitive university... so the law grade... feels like a huge f*ck*ng relief to me. i know that the majority of the serious contenders for law school did the paper in the first semester, so i was mostly going up against people with odd program structures... and lots of international students with sketchy english... but still... i wouldn't expect that i would necessarily come out with an A+ for the other law paper... but i'm not going to let anything take anything away from how happy i feel about that grade right now. i didn't realise just how much i really needed it.
am ticking away on biology... there is a crap load of content to be learned from each lecture if you really get into the spirit of learning ALL of it. as in... reproducing tables from scratch. of course we wont' be asked to reproduce them from scratch... we'll be given parts and we need to fill in the rest. or whatever... but seems to me that reproducing them from scratch is the safest way of being able to reproduce part of them when you don't know which part you will be asked to reproduce in advance. it is material that will be consolidated through the year... e.g., learning the 11 organ systems (in order? otherwise you forget one and can't figure which one you forgot!) a certain number of organ components and a list of major functions... but it is tested week 6 so... and the 6 levels of structural organisation and the 4 tissue types and the 3 embryonic layers. and that is lecture 1.
but that is fun. and then i think... if only i found chemistry 1/2 as fun such that i spent 1/2 as much time working chemistry problems... or even reading the textbook / listening to lecture material... because SOMETHING would soak in with the later even if it isn't exactly the most efficient way of doing well in it.
and then i think... that i really don't enjoy doing equations. 2 websites now... assessing my math at the 8th grade level. there are some skill sets there that i haven't mastered. i think i probably could learn maths and / or physics if i stuck with it over the years... but i also think... i don't enjoy it that much. i am so very grateful that i got the opportunity to learn it. to have done the classes i've done this year. to have gotten a taster. to have been (so nicely!) asked to write a paragraph on hydrogen bonding and state changes for part of the thermodynamics section of the exam... but i can't calculate anything. SYNTAX ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE.
I like organic because there is no other way to feel about organic. i am scared... the second half of organic seems to be kinetics and acids-bases and spectroscopy... i'm concerned that the second half is going to be equation focused... that it might get me... like i got got for general...
__
so... after meeting that guy... i posted that i had a great time learning psychology because i had a good group of really motivated people to study with. i said i'd be interested to meet with people (BEFORE things get crazy) to see... and i got an email from a grad who might get offered a place in which case they will make her do first year next year. i could well get more bites like that once offers come out. which would be... wonderful, really.
i'm not sure how much people study together vs apart for the first year. i noticed a few people expressing surprise that it was good to study with others for second year... i guess it depends on the group... and on how you work together... i'm not sure that it would be helpful for chemistry... i don't know. i found it great for psychology... explaining things (they can correct misunderstandings) and asking questions... learning what you don't know... a smart and motivated group... and of course supportive, too. people who you can relax around.
and of course focusing on study is appropriately structured for me... and it is pleasant enough to meet with someone and have coffee... even that guy... i did enjoy meeting him, a great deal. he is an interesting guy... he reminded me a lot of me at this time last year... i wonder what will become of him...
life is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:34:46
In reply to Re: law, posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:19:03
> reproducing tables from scratch. of course we wont' be asked to reproduce them from scratch... we'll be given parts and we need to fill in the rest. or whatever... but seems to me that reproducing them from scratch is the safest way of being able to reproduce part of them when you don't know which part you will be asked to reproduce in advance.
except, of course, a more efficient way of doing it would be to cover up all but one part of the table and use that to cue the other columns or row... uh... vertical... that would be columns...
:-/
i keep tossing and turning over summer school... should i, shouldn't i? will i, won't i?
i could do stats... should i do stats? will stats help me? will it help me with epidemiology? with numbers a bit more generally?
my grade won't matter except to my ego...
i could just gate crash... but the supplimentary stuff is important... access to problems... tutorials... etc etc...
i don't know.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:47:19
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 1, 2014, at 18:20:34
i do see where i lost marks for biology... they were MEAN. but some kids really care and so you want to reward those kids...
that is why i'm seriously trying to learn tables from scratch ffs...
lesson learned...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2014, at 17:04:13
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 2, 2014, at 20:47:19
i actually did do quite a bit better at the neuroscience section compared to comparative physiology, in particular. i really was having a meltdown about it all...
i think it is because of how i couldn't really read / write once i quit smoking... so... starting out at tech, because i thought it would be easier content and it might ease me back into things... and then doing really well in some of it... but then not knowing how that performance would translate across to university... then my experience at the university over the bridge... and then here... thank you law for restoring my confidence. i really was afraid that i had completely lost my mental ability... and for me... it is the most important thing in my world. my whole identity... self image... i've always clung to how everything will be okay because my grades are good... i can do pretty much anything because of that... to have lost that...
they only open up one lab time at a time... so, my lab time will be mostly full of people who promptly accepted first round offers and who promptly enrolled in their labs. i have heard people say that you want a crap group so you stand out... but since the average mark for labs is around 13/15 i'll be absolutely stoked if i can get through the year blending in completely unobtrusively. i'm not sure i can pull it off... but i'll surely do my best.
i'm really happy to have learned that nursing is so competitive here... that makes me feel a lot better about the kids who want to do it. i mean... the kids who want to do it actually, rather than the kids who think they can just cruise into it... all the people in the labs will be intending to transition to something clinical in subsequent years... so... bit mean of them to make nurses do organic chemistry, heh. still, if they don't do well at it, they can always do nursing at tech...
i am a bit worried that that guy might try and latch onto me next year... especially if i don't have a herd that makes it too intimidating for him to approach me etc. that is the point of a herd... in very large part...
i think i will need to try and find a herd, yeah...
the issue is...
in law... there were two girls. girl A and girl B, lets call them. girl A was really loud and... kind of obnoxious. kinda dumb. kinda proclaiming loudly that she hadn't done her readings and yakkity yak yak about other stuff... he said that she said that they did... people steered clear of the both of them because they couldn't tolerate girl A. i talked to them on a couple occasions and girl B was actually really nice. focused. sweet. but girl A would keep interrupting and talking over...
girl A was clearly there as part of a targeted admissions scheme. whereas girl B would probably have been there regardless. it wasn't helping anyone to have girl A there. not even her. she dropped out near the end. she started out by being late... making a big performance of walking into class half way through... then eventually stopped coming at all.
I managed to talk to girl B a couple times after that... and she was completely burned out. she didn't have friends at that point...
It is... I think a lot of people would say that it is part of Maaori culture to be helpful etc. you can't not help. I think that it is something to do with that that the help offered... often times gets to be more 'help' (borderline abuse) than anything else. if it is part of the culture to not eat without offering to everyone... and you are surrounded by people who will decide never to eat in front of you... then the most authentic (instead of rushing off when nobody is looking and buying takeaways) will eventually... start cooking up pots full of crap because they won't get enough to eat otherwise... the only way to protect yourself against other people abusing you / exploiting you is to make sure there isn't anything to abuse / exploit. I think this is more about... History of subjugation and abuse... That somehow things have got a bit confused about the hospitality thing... That reciprocity has gone out the window... That there haven't been strong and fair leaders to ensure that people aren't taken advantage of...
Anyway...
Girl A... Should have never been allowed to be there. Isn't doing her or her culture any favors at all to have her there. If girl B doesn't make it into law school... I think it will in large part be because of her feeling obliged to look after girl A. From her perspective... If everyone else in the class had have helped a little... You know... pretended to be interested for a while so she could have slipped away... Then the load would have been lightened.
But the thing is... Everyone is stuggling to stay afloat... You can't start cliniging to the people drowning around you... They can simply get out of the pool. Go to tech or whatever. Go do something else.
I told that guy that he needed another year to prepare. That's the best help I could give him. I did try and study with him... To see if I could study with him. And I found him... Dull witted and uninterested. And things haven't even started to get overwhelming yet. If he thinks embryology is boring and he hates it before he's even started... I need him the hell away from me for when times get tough.
I suppose it is a bit harsh... But I can't afford to get dragged down by people sinking. They won't die... THey just need to get out of the pool. They are just testing the waters, anyway. They just wanna play in the grown up pool because it is the grown up pool... They don't know what it is like to delight in stretching ones legs...
I will find friends next year... I feel... Pretty good. Pretty centered. About... Getting to know people a bit and assessing things... I mean... Finally my default grump has lifted. I think that is it. I feel more favorably disposed. Calmer. Back to some kind of 'usual self' or something... Perhaps my faith in my ability to study well has been restored. So... I'm in a better position to feel confident in my ability to see who I can productively work with...
I'm... Going to invest a bit in having a nice christmas. I'm going to get good flights... So I can visit my friends for 4 days or 5 days or something like that... Leave before we get sick of each other... Friends from Italy are back, as well... So... Will be like a couple of christmas's that i've had with all of them... it will be pleasant and relaxed... and a bit of a break / holiday for me. i think it will be worth it... i can't remember the last time i've felt that i've had a couple days away...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 16:23:45
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2014, at 17:04:13
so... i talked to my friends on Skype and... I think that is enough, really. flights really are expensive since i've left it fairly late to be able to get them. i think about what other things i could spend that money on...
the visit with my mother did not go well... it didn't go horribly... but it did not go well. i didn't get good sleep... the person next to me on the bus kept nodding off with their head on my shoulder which i didn't like much. the person in front put their seat back... the person next to them kind of perched at the front of theirs and turned themself to talk to the person beside them... which made me feel like they were staring at me the whole trip through the crack in the seats.
you know how i go on and on and on on these boards? well... you should meet my mother. even when i phone... she thinks she has to tell me everything she's been up to / everything she knows and then i have to tell her everything i've been up to / everything i know... otherwise there isn't any point to the interaction, you see? so she will go on and on telling me every little detail about things that don't interest me at all. like i know... how i do on these boards. only... i am fairly sure that my doing that on these boards... means i don't do that with people irl. only my mother... her mission in life seems to be to trick me! because once she's tricked me and got me talking about something... then she's victorious! because now i have to shut my yap while she tells me the life history of every single person she's met up her f*ck*ng street, or whatever.
so... to start with i was flat. which means she leans forward and gets more animated with her hands. which means i get flatter / die that little bit more inside. because now i'm aware that people around me are staring at this crazy lady which has actually gotten up out of her seat and actually crouched down before me gesturing wildly with her hands.
and i said... i need you to move back and stop with the hands already. and i have to say it a couple times... because... people just talk to talk, right? nobody actually means anything that they say. and then she moves back. and i'm like 'you really can't tell when i need for you to calm down and back off - can you?'
and she can't. she needs me to match her state of hyper. and for me to take great delight in the minute details of her life... sh*t that nobody actually cares about but you put up with in your three year old since they've just started using their words...
and i realise that one of my wellington friends is quite a lot like that as well... starting to bang about in the mornings because it is time for everyone to get up and tell her their plans for the day so she can get in what she wants about people doing this and that and the next thing. and so you ignore the banging... as best you can... since she does need to go to work eventually... after a while i told her... i don't know what i'm doing when i first wake up in the morning. i am not one of these people that bounds out of bed at first crack with plans forming... i can't function without coffee... so then she started with 'coffee is up!' so then you have to get up... and after a couple sips the inevitable...
people, eh.
money is power. to keep people at the distance you like. it isn't a magic bullet, i understand that. but it helps really rather a lot. when you need to depend / rely then you have considerably less power. my friends are generous of spirit in many ways... but they are also super controlling in many others. they could not leave me alone when i needed them to. and they could not see that what i most needed was solitude. they couldn't help me with what i needed... when it conflicted with their... preference. yes. i really do think it is a matter of that.
so mother won't join a bowls club or something because she said that she prefers one on one interaction rather than something like that when you don't get to talk to anyone. intense one on one or nothing at all. i guess that is why she finds people so exhausting. you really can't relax around her. you really can't focus on anything other than her.
i had a friend once who was pretty great... but i couldn't walk around gardens or view art with him. he would start up a constant stream 'wow look at this, look at that, look at the next thing!'. 'this good! this bad!' it was like he didn't have a sense that all that stuff was going on inside me, too, for different things. that i was having different interactions. that my interest in walking around wasn't an interest in me focusing on his reactions 'really? what do you like about that?' and so on... that i needed him to back the f*ck off and let me have an experience too.
i think... most people really are like the above... these are probably extreme cases... but i've found myself surrounded by this kind of thing... all my life. and i have experienced other ways of interacting / being. and those other ways are much more peaceful. relaxing. pleasant. but not many of them... and that other thing is not the norm for me at all.
and you don't have to look any further than my mother to see why i have an intense startle response to the human face. and why i don't find people to be particularly relaxing at all. the way i naturally respond when i need people to calm down / step away from me is to lower my head and withdraw into myself. curl up all foetal inside if nothing else. curl up and die, it feels like to me... immense depression... and the significant majority of people do not interpret this as BACK THE F*CK OFF they interpret it as VULNERABLE TARGET FOR ME TO ABSORB or some weird vampiric / possessive sh*t. helpful helpful oh so helpful victims are targets for sure...
i would think there is something wrong with me... but there are people like me. and now... around uni... i think it is fair to say that most people DO get the back off signals. and as soon as i see someone respond appropriately to that... i know i can relax around them. because they aren't like those other people... so needy in their clinging... these people have ideas... things like that...
i don't know that this makes much sense...
only one more year of first year. sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 17:59:39
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 16:23:45
it is this startle knee-jerk reactivity. the idea that you just go around expressing it. that that is what other people are... things that you express yourself at. in this knee-jerk reactive way.
how about when you are alone? one option is to smile gregariously / express yourself at every single person you meet along the way. i think it is called 'being friendly'.
and some people like it, i guess. i thought... one of my friends... i didn't understand why he tended to have female companions who were like that... and i realised... he liked it. he liked the dramas. he liked the intensity of feeling. they made him feel alive, somehow... but not me... i'm not like that.
perhaps it is about complexity. if you hate something or you love something those can be intense responses, for sure. reflect some more... what particular aspects? what about those particular aspects? what about other aspects of those aspects? or whatever... complexity.
but you need time and space to work through complexity. and / or access to others who have more complex thoughts... encourage you to think in more complex ways... if your mother didn't help you when you were three... maybe some other stranger can be persuaded... people... don't manage how to do it for themself... or... you need to play oh so f*ck*ng uncomplex indeed so they get to feel helpful...
i think that is why my mother likes to get me wound up. if i'm sleep deprived enough... if i'm stressed enough... i'll f*ck*ng lose it for a bit. and then... finally... she is calmer / helpful to me.
helpful. oh so helpful.
i told her i can only do small doses. she is on and on and on about how she wants me to come for longer. arrive earlier. leave later. stay the night. i'm like 'the only reason we have a good interaction is because it is so time limited.' but she will keep on and on and on and on... testing. pushing. continually.
fine.
but don't be surprised if i don't spend very much time with you.
i feel... so many things. humiliated. partly at / with her. going on in a loud f*ck*ng voice about how luxurious the new public bathrooms are. seeing people startle a bit to that. wondering what kind of slum this lady must live in. embarrassed... when have i ever seen her feel / express embarrassment? humiliation? shame? i don't think i've ever seen her express these things... she simply doesn't seem to have that response. she won't back off. like those psychopaths who won't stop hitting something after it's shown signs of submission... she won't stop with doing anything that results in others feeling embarrassed or ashamed or whatever for her / on her behalf. she simply won't... she'll keep on... like... she does sense that there is something there... something... something that she can work with... to intensify... to magnify... to work something up into a violent f*ck*ng rage... that seems to be it. then victory! she gets to be the victim. supplication to her... she has the power...
how can people bear people?
i simply can't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 18:15:39
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 17:59:39
i guess the idea is that people have good days and people have bad days. people have their strengths and people have their weaknesses.
my friends... there are things that we do enjoy doing together. or... it wouldn't be worth my spending time with them at all. for sure.
what do i enjoy about my mothers company?
i really do need to keep interaction very minimal indeed. basically... to the point where she is on her 'best behaviour' (her terms, actually) where she knows full well that i simply won't interact with her again for MONTHS if she tries to wind me up / does not back off when i indicate that that is what i need.
i need to not stay with my wellington friends. not for more than 2 or 3 days. and to basically do whatever one or the other of them wants to do for the whole time there. things went swimmingly when i stayed with them and i did just that. applied for jobs for one of them... talked philosophy stuff with the other of them... was there on demand for both of them... had all our meals together and lived in each others pockets...
(and what did i want?)
i am happy here. doing what i'm doing... which they don't approve of much. of course.
really great friend who was obnoxious in art galleries and at gardens. i think there is some objective - subjective thing that people struggle with... i used to... i did enough philosophy to think that i have resolved things to my satisfaction...
i think... that is what philosophy did for me. there was a bunch of stuff that i wanted / needed to know. psychology, too. all that psychopathology stuff. well... now i know. to my satisfaction.
i was productive until my mid-term got slammed. then i... couldn't really give my advisor anything anymore. then it got to the point i couldn't write anything anymore either. he didn't care about stuff i cared about and i didn't care about stuff he cared about and... people say you have supervisors who you work well with on the one hand and great institutions on the other. finding a good fit of both can be hard... i thought i'd be alright because i thought i was passionate and self motivated etc. i didn't properly appreciate just how supportive my previous supervisors etc had been. how important that really was to me. and the one i moved to... is notoriously hard to work with at the best of times.
so... my career got thrown away. i guess i could try... could try and make things work with the guy i worked well with before... but he's moved up in the world and even though he does remember me... i feel... embarrassed... and like a failure for having failed... and i don't really have much self confidence to even ask him... and i don't know what i want anymore... and given that i haven't been working on philosophy... i will do my best next year at this. see how my grades work out. reassess things. anyway... he came here for a dinner... things were a bit unclear... he said 'i didn't know'... about my being a consumer... about my being genuinely interested in his stuff and not pretending for a bit (as people seem to be able to pull of much better than me)... i don't know. but i do know... if i do want it... i need to really want it and i'll probably have to do something to persuade him of that. new writing samples or something. some investment of time / work. i... don't know that i have it in me. not right now, i don't. maybe in a couple years...
sometimes i look at my life... my mother... and i can't believe how far i've come... i'm feeling old. i'm starting to get baggy eyes in the morning. puffy. i'm feeling old... what will become of me? 4 hours walking and my feet were wrecked... i worked hard on soft tissue stuff for hospitality... never did more than 4 or 5 hour shift and my feet were almost crippled... do i really think i have it in my physically to run around a hospital all day / stand for hours for operations? what will become of me?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 21:09:33
In reply to Re: physics..., posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2014, at 17:04:13
so, someone managed to bend the women's eleiko bar. only way you do that is by leaving it on the squat stands for a period of time fully loaded... and i know the bars get unloaded overnight, at least, so that wouldn't have happened. or... loading it up with weights and resting it on the pins... pulling it... and then letting it slam down on the pins. so some idiot decided to be a one inch wonder with the women's eleiko bar. because when the bar is 5kg lighter than the other bars you get to put another 5kg on the end of it.
eleiko bars come with a lifetime guarantee against bending. but i think there may be some clause in there about proper use. and it is a precision f*ck*ng bar for precision f*ck*ng lifting. it wasn't designed to be slammed about the pins in the f*ck*ng squat rack. so...
and even then... how much does shipping a 15kg barbell to and fro sweden cost, do ya reckon? i don't know how the hell they managed to get one in the first place... honestly... probably some relic from commonwealth games past... in other words... it isn't at all likely that they will replace it. if anything... they'll spend $200 on a crap 15kg 'junior bar' or some sh*t and it will bend even if it only was used properly within 6 months.
people f*ck me off. they really, really do.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:06:20
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 8, 2014, at 21:09:33
god damn. so now it turns out that they want to see me enough to want to book me tickets... and if they don't care about the flight times... they will need to drive me to and fro the airport, at least...
and we will see... i think they need me about as much as i need them... and we will see...
i don't like the 'happy puppy' jostling... but for such a short period of time, i can play to their schedule...
i've been looking more at law... and if i don't do as well as i hope to in semester one i can take law for semester two... and on that basis... apply to law school...
i know law is variable... you have people working without pay for a cause... something in family law... or environmental law... or whatever...
i know that you have to establish your ability to get people off on technicalities... for the government to decide that they are better off having you work for them...
i know that many people kill themselves... having successfully defended this or that against incompetent goverment opposition...
can i do law? i don't know...
there is an awful lot to be said for medicine...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:40:51
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:06:20
and so...
when i was going out with this guy... and i was visiting him... and we were going for this holiday... and he was suggesting places i was suggesting places... and we went with what he said (of course, since he was paying) and it was sh*t (which i didn't feel like i could say, since he was paying...)
(only he was testing me, because he was paying -- but i could have paid for myself -- right? because otherwise i surely wouldn't notice -- right?)
uh huh.
people suck.
for sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:43:24
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:40:51
because there is this hierarchy thing that people do / have. which isn't based on anything like... people's actual ability to discriminate / tell. i mean... i don't drink tea much. i couldn't tell expensive tea from cheap tea. maybe... if someone decided to educate me on tea... well... i'm a fairly quick learner... which might ruin me for cheap tea...
and there is a bunch of stuff like that...
but sure... have no money = can't tell. right? i mean... that's the way the world works. for. sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:50:18
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:43:24
and so, there is this jostly thing that people do. and if you are a girl, especially, then either there are guys there in the background somewhere looking out for you (who will thump us if we try it on) or else... you are there for our taking. of course.
because people have developed... so much further than animals. for sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 17:55:13
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 3:50:18
I got my physics exam back... I can do calculations! some of them... sometimes...
I got full marks for some of the questions... My calculations went well!
And I messed up quite a lot of conceptual stuff that I shouldn't have. About opposite charges attracting rather than repelling (and I surely know that so I don't know quite what went wrong). And I totally messed up the optics diagrams (and questions based on them) even though I thought I got that stuff pretty good.
Huh.
So very alien for me... Not to be able to tell what I've done good / not so good at...
Weird subject.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2014, at 15:19:48
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 17:55:13
feeling pretty crap after seeing mother, still.
i have felt so very bad for so very much of my life... that i really feel that i hate her. and i feel just awful about that. i mean... what kind of horrible horrible ungrateful person hates their own mother?
of course people who might be inclined to say that... haven't met mine. didn't have my mother for all those years...
so what is it that is so very awfully bad that my mother did to me? did she beat me so i needed to go to the ER? did she physically hurt me in ways that didn't show after masses of research?
no.
so what did she do that was so very very very very bad that justifies someone hating their mother?
i just... always have. ever since i could remember. all i ever wanted from her was for her to back off and calm down. back off. stop upsetting me. stop startling me. stop trying to wind me up. just piss off.
i hardly ever asked her for anything. anything i did ask of her i had to ask over and over and over and over and over. she would completely ignore me. i know that she heard it... she could repeat back to me what i just said... but she would simply ignore it.
shame... embarrassment... humiliation...
i guess those were the intense emotions that she could get out of me. except for all the screaming inside that i did curled up in my little ball.
if i had have never had her for my mother i think i would feel a lot more empathy for her. for her inabilities to relate to people.
it does me no good at all to try and interact with her now... i just can't deal.
i'm best to look forward to being the best person i can be. but yeah, i'm seriously deficient in so many ways... whatever. does no good to reflect on it... look forward... look up...
i am glad i made the decision never to inflict myself on another human being, so.
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