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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 36. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fayeroe on April 15, 2009, at 22:02:16
Fayeroe has been gone 56 days tonight. Eight weeks. Two months. For me it feels like time stood still.
I have my moments. I have those "nanosecond" thoughts about her being outside or in another room or in the truck...and like that, it's gone because I realize that she isn't here.
I found an online support group and that is where I've talked about my grief the most. Reaching out to friends hasn't worked. It is like she never existed. I'll write or phone a friend and I guess people are so uncomfortable with death that they would rather not talk about it. It's just hard.
I've never lived alone without a guard dog in the house at night. I've been hit really hard realizing how much I depended upon her strong presence for safety. She lived to guard me. I've become obsessive about locks and such. I wasn't like that before she died. Of course that isn't the main reason that I miss her. I hadn't realized, when she was alive, how secure she made me feel.
She was a big dog and had a big personality and the house is empty now.
Fayeroe was only 7 so naturally I had never given a thought to her dying. That and finding her still bothers me so much. She was so strong and healthy. I guess it was probably an aneurysm..maybe to the brain..or lungs.
It is very hard to come back home and she isn't bouncing up and down at the door, doing her pee dance, excited to see me......
I'm rambling.
Pat
Posted by Sigismund on April 16, 2009, at 2:46:56
In reply to I really miss Fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 15, 2009, at 22:02:16
>It is like she never existed. I'll write or phone a friend and I guess people are so uncomfortable with death that they would rather not talk about it
Yeah, maybe, I mean people are, but also, there's nothing they can do.
Death is so final, so unarguable or something.I don't know how it is where you are, but my impression is that the western world has become increasingly lonely and atomised.
People don't know their neighbours anymore and maybe (in your case) that's a good thing (except that you do).Life is a bust.
But I think of all the wonderful people from Texas I've met.
One said to me, after some post for which I was blocked 'Man, those people dogpiled over you' and later "F*ck. This place (the USA) is fascist.'I have been enriched by all of you.
Your real name is too anglo for me (as is mine), but I will always think of you as Fayeroe.
Posted by seldomseen on April 16, 2009, at 7:17:36
In reply to I really miss Fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 15, 2009, at 22:02:16
I'm sure you miss her. I'd be surprised if you didn't. 56 days is nothing in terms of grief and loss sometimes. I've lost cherished pets (aren't they all though) and the loss can still be very acute. I hate that "forgetting" only to re-experience the loss.
I remember the day of my grandfather's funeral. We were in the procession on the way to the cemetery and drove by a little convenience store that was advertising 2 liter pepsi cola for 89 cents. I remember thinking "how could someone still be selling pepsi on a day like today".I understood fully at that moment how isolating grief can be.
No, most people won't understand. But I do. I I know you loved your dog, and she loved you back. I know you will continue to love her even though she is no longer physically with you. She existed, she mattered and will continue to do so.
She was a lucky dog to have been with you and you are a lucky person for having known her.
Now is the time to take care of yourself while you grieve.
Seldom.
Posted by Kath on April 16, 2009, at 8:33:59
In reply to I really miss Fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 15, 2009, at 22:02:16
Thx for coming here with this hun.
Have to go out the door right now, will read your post later.
Sending my love & will keep you & her in my thoughts today.
xoxo Kath
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 9:12:57
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe » fayeroe, posted by Sigismund on April 16, 2009, at 2:46:56
I am struggling with stuffing my feelings now. It causes a stomachache.
The greatest gift that I could have would be for someone to hug me and let me cry as long and as loud as I need to.
I had to quit typing and feed a cat and while doing that I thought of how I was brought up concerning animals. I lived on an isolated ranch in Oklahoma and I am 8 years younger than the nearest sibling. So my playmates were dogs and horses.
Our dogs were very valuable to our lifestyle. We had cow dogs and hunting dogs that worked almost every day. I learned to respect and admire them for their work as I depended upon them for friendship.
I depended upon Fayeroe. She was here every day and night and was fully integrated into almost every part of my life. I realize now that I rarely did anything that didn't include her.
I am not the only one who has a hard time grieving alone. I am sure that the online memorial site wouldn't be half as large as it is if people weren't searching for someone to listen and talk to them. At least half of those men and women say that people don't take them seriously IRL.
Thank you both. I just checked outside and the flowers that are planted on her grave are looking great today. I also planted corn and potatoes. Everything is up. Certainly the building and tending of her little garden has helped me. It brings more happiness than pain now. At first it was really hard to be there with her.
I try to stay busy. Thanks for listening and talking to me. Oftimes this is what is needed most.. .......xoxox Pat
Posted by gardenergirl on April 16, 2009, at 9:46:50
In reply to I really miss Fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 15, 2009, at 22:02:16
I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you are doing. I recently found this series of essays by Meghan O'Rourke on grief and found it very validating and comforting. http://www.slate.com/id/2211257/entry/2211256/
In particular, this part really resonated with me:
"Since my mother's death, I have been in grief. I walk down the street; I answer my phone; I brush my hair; I manage, at times, to look like a normal person, but I don't feel normal. I am not surprised to find that it is a lonely life: After all, the person who brought me into the world is gone. But it is more than that. I feel not just that I am but that the world around me is deeply unprepared to deal with grief. Nearly every day I get e-mails from people who write: "I hope you're doing well." It's a kind sentiment, and yet sometimes it angers me. I am not OK. Nor do I find much relief in the well-meant refrain that at least my mother is "no longer suffering." Mainly, I feel one thing: My mother is dead, and I want her back. I really want her backsometimes so intensely that I don't even want to heal. At least, not yet."I remember after our beloved Daily died, I was out in public running errands, and I thought to myself, "How can anyone be smiling and laughing? Don't they know she's gone???" It is very isolating. It's so very hard. I've noticed that it's only in the last two weeks or so that I can talk about her and for a moment think about her final minutes without crying. Just a month ago that seemed impossible. Yet it still hurts so much. I miss her very much.
I know you miss fayeroe. I'm sure she misses you, too and looks forward to when you are reunited at the right time.
I'm glad you planted flowers for her. My hubby and I still haven't figured out what kind of memorial marker or thingy we want for Daily. I think we're avoiding thinking about it, but we do intend to put something in the yard.
Extending virtual hugs, tissues, and permission to cry, wail, sob, sniffle, whatever you need.
With love,
gg
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 10:52:07
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe » fayeroe, posted by gardenergirl on April 16, 2009, at 9:46:50
> I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you are doing. I recently found this series of essays by Meghan O'Rourke on grief and found it very validating and comforting. http://www.slate.com/id/2211257/entry/2211256/
When I finish this I am going to read the essays. I think I've read something else that she wrote.
At times I even wonder about how I am doing. I am here and she is gone. When Tippy died, I knew that it was time for me to let him leave his worn out and tired home here. It didn't hurt any less and I still grieve for him.
We all have different phases in our lives and when Tippy died that phase of my life died with him. I quit traveling and almost quit taking photographs. Most of the "big" things happened while Tippy was with me and I tie that history into Tippy's history. The divorce, my move, my gains in photography, my parent's deaths and then back to Oklahoma. He was by my side for 15 years.
My Fayeroe phase started at a time when I had laid aside enough grief for Tip to consider getting another dog. I was very depressed and living in the old town (marriage and stuff) and I needed to make some changes.. She was dying and my "buying" her saved her life and in hindsight, I know it saved mine.
I struggled along in Oklahoma but we also had some fantastic times. I met a rancher and he practically turned his 900 acre wildlife refuge over to me. It is a wonderland of elk, turkeys, coyotes, foxes, deer, big cats and snakes. He had horses, camels and tame elk around the house. Fayeroe and I spent hours and hours there. We walked and climbed and swam.We would take food and water and stay 10-12 hours at a time. She really grew into her disciplined and controlled phase there. That experience cemented our closeness.
We moved to Texas.
>
> In particular, this part really resonated with me:
> "Since my mother's death, I have been in grief. I walk down the street; I answer my phone; I brush my hair; I manage, at times, to look like a normal person, but I don't feel normal. I am not surprised to find that it is a lonely life: After all, the person who brought me into the world is gone. But it is more than that. I feel not just that I am but that the world around me is deeply unprepared to deal with grief. Nearly every day I get e-mails from people who write: "I hope you're doing well." It's a kind sentiment, and yet sometimes it angers me. I am not OK. Nor do I find much relief in the well-meant refrain that at least my mother is "no longer suffering." Mainly, I feel one thing: My mother is dead, and I want her back. I really want her backsometimes so intensely that I don't even want to heal. At least, not yet."[gg], I'll be in a store or the library and I'll wonder why everyone is going on about their business. I can't go about mine. She is gone. What is wrong with these people? I'll be driving down the street and see someone and I can tell when they remember that she's gone because they look at the passenger seat and turn their head away from me. I burst out bawling in the pharmacy recently. (good thing I was picking up Psych drugs that day)
Someone tried to get me to do something political and I was offended (privately) that he would ask me to look outside my grief that day.
My daughters will call and not mention Fayeroe and after we hang up, I'll bawl and wring my hands. How could they forget her? She was family!
>
> I remember after our beloved Daily died, I was out in public running errands, and I thought to myself, "How can anyone be smiling and laughing? Don't they know she's gone???" It is very isolating. It's so very hard. I've noticed that it's only in the last two weeks or so that I can talk about her and for a moment think about her final minutes without crying. Just a month ago that seemed impossible. Yet it still hurts so much. I miss her very much.I am so sorry about Daily. I missed reading here when she left you. I don't know what was going on but I had not been checking in. Wasn't she about 12? I knew that you had her because you talked about her years ago. I'm glad that you have your husband to share and remember her.
>
> I know you miss fayeroe. I'm sure she misses you, too and looks forward to when you are reunited at the right time.
>
Some of the hardest pain has come from worrying about her leaving without me there. I found her and I do pray that it was quick and she didn't wonder where I was.....I hope she is okay.> I'm glad you planted flowers for her. My hubby and I still haven't figured out what kind of memorial marker or thingy we want for Daily. I think we're avoiding thinking about it, but we do intend to put something in the yard.
The little grave garden has been a godsend for me. Zen sent seeds and the poppies are up.One of my sisters sent seeds and is sending more. It will as colorful as Faye's personality was. She definitely was not a "spectator" dog. She was a participant in life.
>
> Extending virtual hugs, tissues, and permission to cry, wail, sob, sniffle, whatever you need.
>
> With love,Thank you because there are times when I really do need permission to just let go. I suppose that the permission validates the grief?
Music has been a huge part of the grief. Bob Dylan lives in the house now.
Pat
Posted by Phillipa on April 16, 2009, at 17:06:15
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe » gardenergirl, posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 10:52:07
Have you googled Rainbow's Bridge memorial to lost pets there is also a singing version. Five years later my Brandy and Sheeba still sit in the drawer in their urns. As they will be buried with me. Love Phillipa
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 17:07:48
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe » fayeroe, posted by Phillipa on April 16, 2009, at 17:06:15
> Have you googled Rainbow's Bridge memorial to lost pets there is also a singing version. Five years later my Brandy and Sheeba still sit in the drawer in their urns. As they will be buried with me. Love Phillipa
Phillipa, I joined an online memorial group about 4 days after she died.Thanks..
Posted by Sigismund on April 16, 2009, at 17:31:37
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe » fayeroe, posted by gardenergirl on April 16, 2009, at 9:46:50
>the world around me is deeply unprepared to deal with grief.
Oh yes.
Posted by Sigismund on April 16, 2009, at 17:35:53
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 17:07:48
I don't think psychiatry has helped us at all with this. Religion was better. You'd know the story of the woman who goes to the Buddah and tells him about her dead son, and he says 'Find me a mustard seed from a household that has not seen death', or something like that.
I find that more comforting.
Posted by Sigismund on April 16, 2009, at 17:41:01
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe » gardenergirl, posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 10:52:07
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 18:18:13
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe, posted by Sigismund on April 16, 2009, at 17:41:01
My big fat dumpster kitty, Timmee, hasn't been home since last night. I live in a very secluded and protected area. I have a big open space and creek behind me. Oak and pecan trees. Very quiet. I thought that he was just hanging out somewhere and he would hear me and come to me or come on home.
Tim doesn't stray..at least he never has. He is addicted to his dry kibble and other comforts. I've covered a huge area. I drove and then I walked it. Talked to neighbors..no one has seen him.
I am numb. The grief and the fear is almost overwhelming.
Pat
Posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 18:22:04
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe=when it rains....... » Sigismund, posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 18:18:13
((((Fayeroe)))))
That sounds scary. I hope you find your cat very soon. You've been through enough already.
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 18:26:10
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe=when it rains......., posted by Deneb on April 16, 2009, at 18:22:04
Thank you, Deneb..very much. Pat
Posted by Kath on April 16, 2009, at 19:47:33
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe=when it rains....... » Deneb, posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 18:26:10
This newest about your kitty is just too much Pat.
You must be just beside yourself. I am so sorry.
I was thinking that I wouldn't be at all surprised if Tippy was there with Fayeroe when she went. That's the way I think of it anyhow, because Tippy was probably there all the whole time.
I'm glad you're 'here' to be able to talk about Fayeroe & how you feel, etc. & for us to be able to be here for you.
Please say whatever you need to. I am so sorry you don't have your dear friend to greet you when you come in; to sit with you & be a part of your life.
much love, Kath
I don't know if it would help to talk more about specific times with her? If so, please do. Or if there's any other way you can get comfort or support, let us know.
love, Kath
Posted by Cass on April 16, 2009, at 20:33:13
In reply to I really miss Fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 15, 2009, at 22:02:16
The premature death of someone you love, including an animal, is horrible. It's only natural for you to grieve. You should post here as much as you want about it. I'm sorry friends haven't been any help.
My dog always does a happy dance when I get home. I'm grateful to still have her. I appreciate how safe she makes me feel now that you point out how fayeroe made you feel. Grief is rough. You're not alone.
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 20:51:51
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe » fayeroe, posted by Cass on April 16, 2009, at 20:33:13
Thank you both so much. Not being able to find Timmee seems like overkill to me now. I don't know how deep the well is....I feel the numbness growing and I don't know what to do with it.
Faye was the happiest dog that I've ever seen. And I've had some happy dogs. She outdid all of them because she was so unconditional about every creature. The only thing she didn't like was the people that she didn't trust to be around me or around our home. She was ferocious when it came time to step up.
I keep thinking about our times in the mountains in Oklahoma. Those were the best times and when we moved here, we settled in so well and her maturity really showed.
I will talk about her more. You have no idea how much it means to be able to get some of this out.As I said, stuffing it is hurting me physically.
I'm going to go look for Timmee again.
xoxo Pat
Posted by TexasChic on April 16, 2009, at 22:12:33
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe=when it rains....... » Sigismund, posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 18:18:13
I can't find the words, only that I understand, and hope you find Timmee soon.
-T
Posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 22:24:00
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe=when it rains......., posted by TexasChic on April 16, 2009, at 22:12:33
Posted by fayeroe on April 17, 2009, at 10:25:52
In reply to I really miss Fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 15, 2009, at 22:02:16
I received a babblemail this morning saying what I've avoided saying. I've thought about it but praying that it isn't so.
Remember the neighbor that assaulted me? I pressed charges and he is looking at jail time.
1. Fayeroe died.
2. Timmee has disappeared. Tim is not here. I've combed this area twice. He is not hurt and lying in the brush. He is not here.
Timmee is a food hog. He will eat until he drops. I believe that he could be enticed with tuna, etc. No one could catch him otherwise.A cat trap is deviced to trip the door once the cat passes a certain point trying to get to the food. I use them with the strays that we get "fixed".
I am going to call my friend at the animal shelter and see if anyone has turned Tim in. The scarier scenario is that he was taken away and turned loose to roam. Tim could catch mice but he isn't your Mr. Adventure Cat.
Pray Hard......Pat
Posted by fayeroe on April 17, 2009, at 10:37:06
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe=when it rains......., posted by TexasChic on April 16, 2009, at 22:12:33
> I can't find the words, only that I understand, and hope you find Timmee soon.
>
> -TMy stiff upper lip act isn't working very well right now. I am terrified for Tim's safety. Tim isn't a scraper like Mikee is. He is a "moma's boy" and needs me. He has to have his lap time. When I brush him, he growls at me and I growl back. He always has the "deer in headlights" look when he hears me. He is just "ole fatty arbuckle"
here.It is pouring rain right now and has been for about three hours. Thunder and lightning.
Thank you all. Pat
Posted by fayeroe on April 17, 2009, at 15:26:53
In reply to Re: I really miss Fayeroe=when it rains....... » Sigismund, posted by fayeroe on April 16, 2009, at 18:18:13
My good neighbor confronted Keith and his take was that Keith hasn't done anything with Timmee....We've known Keith for three years and Robert said that he seemed very genuinely upset and told him that he would watch for him. He even asked his name so he could call him if he saw him.
I am relieved.......but, where, oh where is he?
We are having really bad thunderstorms so I haven't been back out in awhile. The shelter doesn't have him.
Pray hard.....xoxo Pat
Posted by texaschic on April 17, 2009, at 15:34:42
In reply to Tim and neighbor.........=when it rains....... » fayeroe, posted by fayeroe on April 17, 2009, at 15:26:53
I'm so sorry Pat, I've been in that position and know exactly what you're going through. It tears me up inside just reading about it! I am sending good vibes your way. I hope you find your baby soon!
-T
Posted by texaschic on April 17, 2009, at 15:41:14
In reply to Tim is not here, posted by fayeroe on April 17, 2009, at 10:25:52
> I received a babblemail this morning saying what I've avoided saying. I've thought about it but praying that it isn't so.
>
> Remember the neighbor that assaulted me? I pressed charges and he is looking at jail time.
>
> 1. Fayeroe died.
> 2. Timmee has disappeared. Tim is not here. I've combed this area twice. He is not hurt and lying in the brush. He is not here.
>
> Timmee is a food hog. He will eat until he drops. I believe that he could be enticed with tuna, etc. No one could catch him otherwise.
>
> A cat trap is deviced to trip the door once the cat passes a certain point trying to get to the food. I use them with the strays that we get "fixed".
>
> I am going to call my friend at the animal shelter and see if anyone has turned Tim in. The scarier scenario is that he was taken away and turned loose to roam. Tim could catch mice but he isn't your Mr. Adventure Cat.
>
> Pray Hard......PatI missed this post somehow, but just read it. Do you think Fayeroe's death could have been caused by foul play? God that's scary!
Hold your other babies close and keep praying. I hope you find Tim soon!
-T
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