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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 28. Go back in thread:
Posted by Bobby on July 10, 2006, at 22:44:45
In reply to Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:17:29
Maybe your mother is just frustrated about something totally unrelated--you never know. As for your father--he must have some good and redeeming qualities--after all, she married him and had children. As for you--you will never know if you can succeed unless you try-- and then, sometimes, you have to pick yourself off of the floor and try again and again. The thing is, "winners never quit and quitters never win." you can do it Deneb--life is wonderful and there are so many good things out there if you just reach for the stars. It doesn't always happen overnight---but sometimes it does! Hang on and one day maybe you'll tell your daughter what a winner she is.
Posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:45:29
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger » frida, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:31:36
I'm thinking of buying a rope tomorrow to hang myself with sometime. Bad sign. Look what my Mom did.
If I have breast cancer, I'm going to hang myself. If I feel so upset I cannot stand it, I'm going to hang myself.
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:59:13
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger*, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:45:29
It will be uncivil of me to not do as I say because that would mean I was lying.
Posted by Michael83 on July 10, 2006, at 23:06:17
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger*, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:45:29
Does your mom know the effect her words have on you? Have you told her?
When she said you would not be able to find a job, I think she is just "rambling" with little or no meaning behind those words. A lot of people do that just out of frustration. You can't take their words seriously.
You'll find a job if you keep looking, I can promise you that.
If you cannot find the job you want, find a slightly lesser job to build experience, then apply again later with an improved resume.
Posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 23:17:31
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger* » Deneb, posted by Michael83 on July 10, 2006, at 23:06:17
> Does your mom know the effect her words have on you? Have you told her?
I told my Mom that I'm going to sleep my days away now and wait for death. She responded by angrily telling me how she is right. I will not find a job this summer and nobody does volunteer work if they can help it.
Before I die, I'm going to be really dramatic and write, "Goodbye cruel world." I'll write, "Bye bye Dr. Bob, bye bye Babblers. I loved you Dr. Bob."
Deneb*
Posted by Tabitha on July 10, 2006, at 23:28:41
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger » frida, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:31:36
Deneb, your Mom is giving you bad information. It probably comes from her own fears about life, and not from anything she knows about your capabilities. You can choose not to accept her opinions. But separating from your mom is hard. Some people never do it their entire lives! That's the type of thing a therapist can help you with.
Posted by Joan797 on July 10, 2006, at 23:37:19
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger*, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:45:29
Deneb
Please consider my words carefully and I hope you will understand that I mean no disrespect, nor do I mean to be uncivil.
But, here goes.........
Are you thinking of suicide because you really hate life itself or do you just want to hurt the ones around you and "make them sorry"?
You cannot control other's feelings. No matter how hard you try. Trust me, I've been there. I know that it won't help telling you that it would be a huge loss for your friends and family if you carried out your plans, but it would.
You're mother's tough love approach isn't working on you but she doesn't know that...or she doesn't care. I don't know. Words can be very cruel sometimes. Words often hurt worse than actual slaps, I know.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I guess I just want you to know that taking your own life, affects more than you know. Sometimes casual aquaintances care often as much if not more than your family, and saying things like what you have said are painful for me to read.
For god's sake, what if you are the one to cure cancer.............what if you find a cure for aids...........what if you could win the nobel peace prize...........there is a reason you are here on this earth. Just because you haven't found it yet, doesn't mean that reason doesn't exist.
Please don't.
Joan
Posted by Michael83 on July 10, 2006, at 23:47:29
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger* » Michael83, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 23:17:31
I don't know how to compose a perfect reply, but Dr Bob would want you to be happy, and happy here on this Earth with him and the rest of us.
There are enough bad people NOT dying, we don't want good people like you to die. We need you and others like you. You'll be fine, it just takes patience.
When I was going through my worst episode in 3 1/2 years, back in mid May (when I first started posting here, in fact my first post was about it), I thought things were NEVER going to get better.
I really really thought it would be IMPOSSIBLE for things to ever get better. I thought I was locked in a permanent low. But I was not. Your brain plays tricks on you when you're feeling down. And I'm doing much better now. Still a little shaky at night, but I'm not "suffering." You'll do better, just like I did.
Posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 23:48:40
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger* » Deneb, posted by Joan797 on July 10, 2006, at 23:37:19
> Are you thinking of suicide because you really hate life itself or do you just want to hurt the ones around you and "make them sorry"?
I don't really hate life, I'm just not very successful in life. I think I do sort of want to make my Mom sorry for what she said. I'm a horrible person. I think I have a borderline personality disorder. I want to kill myself when I'm frustrated and upset.
> You cannot control other's feelings. No matter how hard you try. Trust me, I've been there. I know that it won't help telling you that it would be a huge loss for your friends and family if you carried out your plans, but it would.
I don't know if I really make much of an impact on people's lives. I think some people would be sad if I died. I don't think I really want to die. Sorry I threatened again. I'm calmer now and I'm not going to buy a rope again.
Thank-you for caring.
Deneb*
Posted by Joan797 on July 10, 2006, at 23:56:44
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger* » Joan797, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 23:48:40
Success, just like many things, depend on the eyes of the beholder.
Success in life, in my eyes, is not measured by monetary gain, it is measured by personal esteem, happyness, and effects on others. It's never achieved totally. It's a work in progress.
I'm a work in progress. So are you. So are we all. No matter what the age, we are all works in progress. Give life a chance to develop for yourself. Give it time to grow, change, progress. Sometimes having a successful day for me is to get my fat tush out of bed. Sometimes it's not crying over all the spilt milk flowing my way. And sometimes is when I really feel like I've done something good for someone else. That one doesn't happen very often, but sometimes it does. People care about you Deneb. Holding out your hand, even though it's the hardest thing for me to do, is sometimes the only way to get across the street.
I'm just a typing metaphor........but I genuinely mean well.
:)
Posted by Tabitha on July 11, 2006, at 0:54:39
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger*, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:45:29
> I'm thinking of buying a rope tomorrow to hang myself with sometime. Bad sign. Look what my Mom did.
>Nope, your mom isn't responsible for your feelings. You're *allowing* your mom's remarks to upset you. Nobody has the power to make you kill yourself.
Posted by Dinah on July 11, 2006, at 7:38:45
In reply to Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:17:29
What people tell you has more to do with them than with you.
What you choose to do in response to what people tell you has more to do with you than with them.
What do you choose to do with your mother's words? You could choose to prove her wrong, get up this morning, and go look for a job. Or walk yourself down to your local humane society and offer to walk dogs or socialize kittens.
Your mother has her own issues, and the words that issue from her mouth are her own choices.
One step along the way to maturity is to stop seeing a link between what other people do and what you do. There can well be a link in how you feel. But when you stop thinking of terms of "So and so did this, so they made me do this..." and start thinking "So and so did this, I stopped to think about it, and decided that I would choose to...", doesn't that sound much healthier?
It's a hard thing to learn and practice. I'm still doing it and I have at least twenty years on you. Helping my son learn those lessons has helped me as well. Having a therapist helped me learn those lessons, because he just won't let me get away with that.
You don't want a therapist who will talk to you about your past or about transference, and that's fine. There are plenty of therapists out there who will delve into this sort of thinking.
Posted by frida on July 11, 2006, at 9:51:32
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *tri » Deneb, posted by Dinah on July 11, 2006, at 7:38:45
Deneb,
I am glad you are feeling calmer. I wanted to share that it took me many many years to separate myself from my mother. To this day I still can't talk in T and a part of it has to do with her idea that I should be quiet about what my dad did, and everything she has told me. It is really hard, but it is possible.
I would encourage you to get a T..No one should be alone with the kind of thoughts you're having . I'd be lost if I didn't have my T to know about the "dark stuff". IT truly helps, and they can help you differentiate things...
What your mother says isn't the truth. Who knows what's leading her to say this.
I know the desperate feeling. I have those feelings, even now.
but please hang in there. THere are people who care and there is a way out.Frida
> Your mother has her own issues, and the words that issue from her mouth are her own choices.
>
> One step along the way to maturity is to stop seeing a link between what other people do and what you do. There can well be a link in how you feel. But when you stop thinking of terms of "So and so did this, so they made me do this..." and start thinking "So and so did this, I stopped to think about it, and decided that I would choose to...", doesn't that sound much healthier?
>
> It's a hard thing to learn and practice. I'm still doing it and I have at least twenty years on you. Helping my son learn those lessons has helped me as well. Having a therapist helped me learn those lessons, because he just won't let me get away with that.
>
> You don't want a therapist who will talk to you about your past or about transference, and that's fine. There are plenty of therapists out there who will delve into this sort of thinking.
Posted by Phillipa on July 11, 2006, at 12:39:56
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *tri » Dinah, posted by frida on July 11, 2006, at 9:51:32
Funny but really not funny my Mother said I killed her as a baby and believe it or not I'm now 60 and emotionally still feel I did even if intellectually know I didn't. She said I was the reason she was sick. Love Phillipa
Posted by PhoenixGirl on July 11, 2006, at 21:17:43
In reply to Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:17:29
She's stabbing you in the soul. Even if you love her, you have to remove yourself from her presence.
Posted by TexasChic on July 11, 2006, at 21:30:58
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *tri, posted by Phillipa on July 11, 2006, at 12:39:56
You can't afford to go to college! (I did)
Only somebody on drugs sleeps this much (depression).
You're so disrespectful! (because I wouldn't do what she wanted).
You could never afford to live on your own. (I am)
All you do is lay around and watch tv, I've never seen anybody so lazy (this is after taking care of HER mother for the previous 7 years).
There's a whole lot more, but I've blocked it out. It was her way to keep me dependent on her. You have to let go of thinking you have to obey her because she's your mother. You're an adult just like her. Recognize HER mental health issues and don't let yourself become insnared in her manipulative behavior. I know, easier said than done, but if I can do it so can you. Don't wait until you're in your 30's to start living like I did. There is nothing I regret more than those lost years.
Read up on co-dependency and boundries. Your mother isn't allowing any boundries between the two of you, and they are absolutely necessary for you to be happy and healthy. Right now your SHE has control of your life. YOU have to decide to take control. I know you can do it. Whatever happens, you'll figure it out just like everyone else (I remind myself of that everyday).
You are smart, warm hearted, funny, interesting, and have so much to offer the world. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!!
-T
Posted by Phillipa on July 11, 2006, at 21:44:55
In reply to Things my mother told me, posted by TexasChic on July 11, 2006, at 21:30:58
Well said I agree. Love Phillipa
Posted by AuntieMel on July 12, 2006, at 9:08:14
In reply to Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2006, at 22:17:29
Remember your mom is from a different culture and a different age.
Please read a couple of Amy Tan books. It might help you understand her more. And that will take away the power of her words to hurt as much.
Posted by Deneb on July 12, 2006, at 16:58:40
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger, posted by Bobby on July 10, 2006, at 22:44:45
> Maybe your mother is just frustrated about something totally unrelated--you never know.
I don't think so. She didn't seem frustrated. She's always like this. She never supports any of my cautious forays into the real world.
> As for your father--he must have some good and redeeming qualities--after all, she married him and had children.
I don't know if my Mom and Dad married because of love. I know they were set up with one another. It was a different time then in China, I don't know if people married for the same reasons as here and now in North America. My Mom really dislikes my Dad. It's good that my Dad doesn't get angry at my Mom and tolerates her nagging all the time. There is always lots of yelling from my Mom.
> As for you--you will never know if you can succeed unless you try-- and then, sometimes, you have to pick yourself off of the floor and try again and again. The thing is, "winners never quit and quitters never win."
That's a good motto to live by. I shouldn't have a defeatist attitude like what my Mom tries to instill in me.
Thanks Bobby
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on July 12, 2006, at 16:59:44
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *trigger » Deneb, posted by Tabitha on July 10, 2006, at 23:28:41
> Deneb, your Mom is giving you bad information. It probably comes from her own fears about life, and not from anything she knows about your capabilities.
I think you're right. It's coming from her, not me.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on July 12, 2006, at 17:03:38
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger*, posted by Joan797 on July 10, 2006, at 23:56:44
> Success, just like many things, depend on the eyes of the beholder.
Thanks for telling me that there are many ways to achieve success. I have to find my definition of success.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on July 12, 2006, at 17:05:39
In reply to Re: *Suicide trigger* » Deneb, posted by Tabitha on July 11, 2006, at 0:54:39
> Nope, your mom isn't responsible for your feelings. You're *allowing* your mom's remarks to upset you. Nobody has the power to make you kill yourself.
You're right Tabitha. I have to stop blaming others for the way I feel.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on July 12, 2006, at 17:10:19
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *tri » Deneb, posted by Dinah on July 11, 2006, at 7:38:45
> What people tell you has more to do with them than with you.
> What you choose to do in response to what people tell you has more to do with you than with them.
I can't control what others tell me, but I can control how I react to what they say. That's basically what you're telling me right?
> One step along the way to maturity is to stop seeing a link between what other people do and what you do. There can well be a link in how you feel. But when you stop thinking of terms of "So and so did this, so they made me do this..." and start thinking "So and so did this, I stopped to think about it, and decided that I would choose to...", doesn't that sound much healthier?
I still do that a lot, don't I? It's hard to learn.
I think I'm still immature in my thinking and feeling.
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on July 12, 2006, at 19:57:08
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *tri » Dinah, posted by Deneb on July 12, 2006, at 17:10:19
Deneb you're 24right? At your age I had two children. And had my last at 27. And I did it alone. I had to grow up fast when I had my first baby at age l9. Love Phillipa
Posted by cloudydaze on July 16, 2006, at 23:16:58
In reply to Re: Why bother doing anything, I'll only fail *tri » Deneb, posted by Phillipa on July 12, 2006, at 19:57:08
Deneb,
you are young. You've got plenty of time to be successful, in your own way. Don't let your mom pressure you or make you feel bad. When she says mean things, try to rationalize. My mother is a HUGE factor in my depression also. For some reason, everything she says gets to me. She's one of the few people who can really make me hate myself, and letting her do that (rather, letting her affect me that way) is destructive.
Seems like there are a lot of people here who care about you a lot. If you ever need to talk, I'm here :)
> Deneb you're 24right? At your age I had two children. And had my last at 27. And I did it alone. I had to grow up fast when I had my first baby at age l9. Love Phillipa
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