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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
I don't mean that you are all strangers in a "bad" sense...just that you've offered a healing touch and I am very greatful. Thank you, very deeply. I can't just *go away*...I realize now. I've gone into *hiding*, but this is one of the few places I can express myself. Between the tears and sobs, I'll try to paint a picture with words.
This place has become part of my home and life for the past 7 or so years. Dealing with my Dad's mortality (and eventually my Mom's) is, and I have known this for a long time, part of the biggest challenges ever. *Loss* is the issue..and as a few of you may know, I have lost a few of the most precious people in life to me to death. A child...and a lover....as well as my best friend to suicide when I was very young..and I have not felt safe since. They all connect...and that is where the *sting* comes in.
It is way beyond grief. It is existential mourning and angst. The "shock and awe" of it comes and goes, like the tears and the whimpers. It feels almost surreal. Funny, but my "depression" (as I knew it before I knew of my Dad's health) and anxiety...those 'types' seem to have gone away, replaced by this larger "cloud". My doctor says he doesn't want to "medicate" me for this, and I agree with him. He is, though, keeping a few powerful meds "in the canon" just in case I break across the line...for everyone's sake.
Thank you...thank you...thank you...I can't say it enough.
Please be good to yourselves and others...and don't be so hard on yourself. Jay
Posted by Phillipa on July 11, 2006, at 20:15:01
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
Jay I'm glad you feel so safe here. Love Phillipa
Posted by sleepygirl on July 11, 2006, at 20:59:28
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
aww Jay...I wish I could make it just the tiniest bit less painful
my heart aches for you, this is the kind of hurt that just knocks you right over
somehow hopefully you can find a way to breathe again comfortably....soon
but until then, and after that too
(((((Jay))))))
Posted by Phillipa on July 11, 2006, at 21:19:07
In reply to Re: The kindness of strangers... » Jay, posted by sleepygirl on July 11, 2006, at 20:59:28
Jay bluntly what are his odds? I've heard good things about remission in this type. Love Phillipa
Posted by Racer on July 11, 2006, at 22:27:26
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
Jay, this may not help at all, but please do keep in mind that your father has had something truly precious in this life: he's created a family that includes a son who loves him very much. Not all men can say that. As you grieve with him and your mother, I hope you'll also help them both celebrate his life while he's still here.
It would be a shame to wait to celebrate him until he's gone.
Otherwise, Jay, the only thing I've learned so far in this life is that there is no way to prepare for grief. It will be as bad as it is whenever it gets here. I'm sorry that you're experiencing this grief now, and that you're likely to experience more, but I'm glad you're allowing yourself to feel it, to acknowledge it. I think that's something that will help you in the end.
I hate to end with "be well," because it does sound as though I'm telling you what to do, and that's not my intent.
But take good care of yourself and be well.
Posted by Bobby on July 11, 2006, at 23:01:25
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
hi Jay,
I wasn't able to post to you about your father( I was blocked). I'm sorry for your impending loss. Your life seems to go from one loss to another. I admire you for your resiliance. Most would crumble under such a heavy load, but you seem to rise above each time--my hat's off to you man.
Posted by AuntieMel on July 12, 2006, at 9:19:17
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
I agree with your doctor.
This is such a hard, hard time for you. But it is also a time for being close and for connecting to those you love.
You will want to remember every moment with your dad. Medication will numb things too much.
Try keeping a journal. Get a recorder and tape some conversations with him.
Hug each other.
Posted by llrrrpp on July 12, 2006, at 10:45:06
In reply to Re: The kindness of strangers..., posted by AuntieMel on July 12, 2006, at 9:19:17
> You will want to remember every moment with your dad. Medication will numb things too much.
>
> Try keeping a journal. Get a recorder and tape some conversations with him.
>
> Hug each other.When my dad was in the hospital, he really enjoyed looking at photos of friends and family. You may share and relive memories if you bring in a photo album or a box of pictures.
I'm so sorry for your grief- past present and future. Grief is the dark side of love. But at least love lasts forever, where grief fades with time. hugs for you Jay. Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for support when you need it. I never knew how many people had been touched by my dad until he was in the hospital.
-ll
Posted by Dinah on July 12, 2006, at 14:22:28
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
Posted by Jay on July 12, 2006, at 20:17:44
In reply to The kindness of strangers..., posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
To everyone..individually, please read...(This means from other threads as well.)
Just to start off, I am completely moved by so much honest support from so many of you. I wish you all really known how important each of your posts are, and I will get to everybody. In actuality, I feel a bit guilty for taking up so much space and time on the board.....I really don't wish to be selfish, or spend my existence wallowing in self-pity. I truly hope that I can make some kind of connection between loss, grief, and depression, and along the way find "escape routes" to conquer depression.
Phillipa, we are waiting to see the oncologist, and he has another specialist, a hematologist, to see exactly what stage he is at. See...he has many other complications, like only one kidney working, diabetes, etc. They are trying to get these dates bumped up, because right now, they are off for a few months.
Sleepygirl...yes I need a whole new life. But, the life I am living right now is just crud anyways, so I feel I have little to lose by doing radical things to change my life.
Racer...indeed...life is for the living too. Dad had such a rough life as a child too. His Mom died when he was about 3...his Dad put him up for adoption..this was during the Depression. He got adopted by some very, very horrible, mean people...the adopted father beat him on a whim, until he was a teen and could stand up for himself.
It's going to take me, I think, a good few weeks to a month, just to get me to the state where I can talk about this with him. Right now I can't. It's going to get much, much sadder, harder, I know. I am not afraid to cry. I've written a poem for him....dedicated one that was written by Bono to his dying father to my Dad, because it was so much like my situation. One other little thought in the back of my mind...the cruelty of ageing, is if you look at that pic of him with me back in 1974, my Dad was such a sharp-shooter...in great shape, chisel-rock face with a star's smile...dark thick neat hair. It's not vanity...I just remember the *warmth* I felt falling into his loving strong arms. Now, I still see the smile, but he looks like a pale ghost so often. Now, I cuddle him up in my arms before he goes to sleep. I love that...believe me...but it feels like the oyster who is raped of it's pearl gem.Bobby....oh Bobby...you have made me laugh so many times my friend, that is a gift all in it's own. Yes, I've lost a few precious things...but there are millions of families in Third World countries who lose 4-5 children...partner/husbands/wives..much due to disease, famine, war, etc. No, it doesn't make it much easier for me to think about it that way, but it put's it in some kind of context eventually, so I can find some reason to carry on.
AuntieMel you should see the amount of meds I am on as it is..lol. But, I've started a gradual cutback of one in particular, that has caused most of the "numbness"...the weight gain, apathy, sex probs. And yes....I have taken some lessons from the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" and got and am getting a new digital camera, and journaling like my life depends on it. Video/audio recorder stuff eventually too. And yes...Hugs...he and I are big on these...so I have upped the quota..lol.
llrrrpp yes...I intend to drag out all of the photo albums and such, and have already started. I am even going to catalogue them and put them up on the internet. "You can never break the chain. There is never love without pain." My favourite line. Love just *is*.
Dinah.....what can I say? All of the (((((((Dinah)))))))) available back to you. :)
Gabbi~G your post moved me and touched me in a million different ways. That's really it right there. VERY powerful stuff. Thank you...thank you so, so dearly.
Midnight Blue...thank you for thinking of me.
I feel comfort in your prayers.WildcardII....I am touched that the pic moved you. You've got a little one on the way. Love is really the only reason to exist.
Gardnergirl....thank you also. The hugs are nice. :) (((((((((Gardnergirl))))))))))))
Glydin....thank you for the Babblemail...a very nice personal touch. Merci! :)
If I missed anybody...I am sorry...please forgive me...as I am typing this up just before my work shift starts. Well...I haven't cried in the last hour and a half....that is something. But, I usually save it for sleep. Here is a line from a poem (actually a song) I am working on for Dad...it captures every second of joy I had with (and will have) him.
-----------------
That Life and all of it's Charms
Are cradled in the arms
Where sleeping Angels lay....I am starting to tear up now...heeeehh....goodnight my friends.
Jay
Posted by Phillipa on July 12, 2006, at 21:31:24
In reply to You folks *amaze* me. ALL PLZ read...., posted by Jay on July 12, 2006, at 20:17:44
Jay give your Dad a hug and kiss for me. Love Phillipa. I know your Dad knows how much you love him. And there is always hope
Posted by MidnightBlue on July 13, 2006, at 13:28:09
In reply to You folks *amaze* me. ALL PLZ read...., posted by Jay on July 12, 2006, at 20:17:44
Oh Jay,
That was so beautiful! Tears in my eyes for you and your Dad. Hang in there. May God comfort you both in his loving arms....
MidnightBlue
Posted by TexasChic on July 14, 2006, at 11:16:11
In reply to You folks *amaze* me. ALL PLZ read...., posted by Jay on July 12, 2006, at 20:17:44
You're very lucky to have had such a great relationship with your Dad. You should treasure it, because its pretty rare. You only hurt so much because you love him so much. That is very meaningful in itself as well. Get as much support as you can during this heart wrenching time.
-T
This is the end of the thread.
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