Posted by Jay on July 11, 2006, at 19:45:53
I don't mean that you are all strangers in a "bad" sense...just that you've offered a healing touch and I am very greatful. Thank you, very deeply. I can't just *go away*...I realize now. I've gone into *hiding*, but this is one of the few places I can express myself. Between the tears and sobs, I'll try to paint a picture with words.
This place has become part of my home and life for the past 7 or so years. Dealing with my Dad's mortality (and eventually my Mom's) is, and I have known this for a long time, part of the biggest challenges ever. *Loss* is the issue..and as a few of you may know, I have lost a few of the most precious people in life to me to death. A child...and a lover....as well as my best friend to suicide when I was very young..and I have not felt safe since. They all connect...and that is where the *sting* comes in.
It is way beyond grief. It is existential mourning and angst. The "shock and awe" of it comes and goes, like the tears and the whimpers. It feels almost surreal. Funny, but my "depression" (as I knew it before I knew of my Dad's health) and anxiety...those 'types' seem to have gone away, replaced by this larger "cloud". My doctor says he doesn't want to "medicate" me for this, and I agree with him. He is, though, keeping a few powerful meds "in the canon" just in case I break across the line...for everyone's sake.
Thank you...thank you...thank you...I can't say it enough.
Please be good to yourselves and others...and don't be so hard on yourself. Jay
poster:Jay
thread:666170
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060709/msgs/666170.html