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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on April 30, 2006, at 20:41:32
OK, I can't stand this any more. I want to wear pretty clothes again.
The problem, as many of you may know, is that I've gained about 50 pounds, and it's not well distributed. After semi-starvation, weight is gained differently, so I have a huge belly, to balance out my big chest. I'm also knock-kneed, and just basically pretty dumpy looking. And I have no idea what would be flattering on me -- besides liposuction, that is... Or a body transplant.
Can anyone offer any advice on how and where to find help figuring out what I can wear and feel attractive in? I'm afraid to go alone, because I'm crying just having to think about this long enough to write this here, and when I have tried on clothing lately -- which is very, very rare -- I have cried and been miserable for the rest of the day. Anyone?
Thanks!
Posted by verne on April 30, 2006, at 21:20:27
In reply to Fashion advice, posted by Racer on April 30, 2006, at 20:41:32
I'm a guy but I knew a woman about 50lbs overweight who favored wearing a kind of long black *cape*. It was a cross between a cape and a serape. Anyway, she didn't look overweight in it.
verne
Posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2006, at 21:54:09
In reply to Re: Fashion advice » Racer, posted by verne on April 30, 2006, at 21:20:27
Posted by verne on April 30, 2006, at 21:57:42
In reply to I don't think that's what she had in mind (nm), posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2006, at 21:54:09
Posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2006, at 23:23:39
In reply to Are you a Mind Reader? (nm) » gardenergirl, posted by verne on April 30, 2006, at 21:57:42
Nope, just someone with empathy. And also someone who realizes that a 50 pound weight gain in someone recovering from anorexia does not equal being 50 pounds overweight.
Finally, as someone who IS 50 pounds overweight, I know if I were asking for advice on how to feel feminine and pretty in my clothes, particularly when I'm unhappy with my appearance, I wouldn't be looking to cover it all up with a cape.
But those are my own thoughts about feminine clothing. Racer can certainly answer on her own if she wishes.
gg
Posted by Pfinstegg on April 30, 2006, at 23:56:48
In reply to Re: Are you a Mind Reader? » verne, posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2006, at 23:23:39
What about a personal shopper? I've used one once (for my son's wedding), and she found me some really pretty things. I told her quite a lot about what colors and styles I wanted, and she brought a lot of things to my house which I could try on without anyone looking on- that seemed to help a lot, somehow! It was stress-free, and worked, but I can't say it was cheap! I had gained 50 pounds from Xyprexa (since lost, thankfully), and dreaded going into department stores. It really was a confidence-booster. Of course, now, I've had to have everything taken in, but the clothes are still pretty, and I love them.
Posted by Racer on May 1, 2006, at 1:09:19
In reply to Re: Are you a Mind Reader? » gardenergirl, posted by Pfinstegg on April 30, 2006, at 23:56:48
Thank you. Where did you find her?
I'm afraid of the whole personal shopper/shopping service thing, especially with our current financial state, but mostly just because I HATE my body this way so much. The few times I've tried something on in the stores in the past year or so, I have cried in the dressing room and fled, to feel miserable the rest of the day.
But I think I will try the Nordstrom shopping service thing tomorrow. I did try them last year, when I first started gaining, but they never returned my call. Grrr. If you can suggest ways to find a good personal shopper, though, that'll be my other next step.
Posted by Racer on May 1, 2006, at 1:10:11
In reply to Re: Are you a Mind Reader? » verne, posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2006, at 23:23:39
Posted by madeline on May 1, 2006, at 5:43:34
In reply to Fashion advice, posted by Racer on April 30, 2006, at 20:41:32
Racer,
Maybe this is just my opinion, but congratulations on your weight gain! I think your belly (which I'm sure is adorable) represents a victory over illness. I see it as testament to your strength and the fact that you loved yourself enough to live. I know how intractable anorexia can be but you won Racer! You won!
But I also understand that this new, healthier body will require some getting used to. I think it is important to give yourself plenty of time to ease into the body that you have right now.
And I think there a small steps you can to help you do that.
I would actually recommend keeping your choice of clothes very very simple, maybe even dress all in one color for a while (very slenderizing to the eye). Then on top of that template, add some beautiful, confidence building things that will help you to integrate the new you.
Buy a new pair of shoes that you just love and then spend time looking in the mirror telling yourself how pretty your feet look in them.
Then buy some new make-up, earrings, maybe even a hat, then spend time looking in the mirror telling yourself how pretty your face looks while wearing them.
Buy a pretty pretty bra and marvel at how beautiful your breasts are.
Jewelry that makes noise, like charm bracelets always helps to make me feel beautiful, I guess because it helps me to focus on the "sound" my body makes and not the way it looks.
Since trying on and buying clothes seems to be a strong trigger for you, I wouldn't do it for awhile. Let these small things help you to gain confidence and then you can begin to focus on the clothes.
This maybe a way oversimplification of a complicated issue, but maybe it will help.
PS. I have a "poochy" belly and I just love it! I pet it and talk to it when no one else is around. I can't believe I am going to share this, but I actually say "hello poochy belly aren't you just the cutest thing?". I working on my relationship with my hips, however. They are SO spiteful.
Posted by verne on May 1, 2006, at 5:51:28
In reply to Re: Are you a Mind Reader? » verne, posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2006, at 23:23:39
Gardengirl,
Your one-line, pissy, "not what she had in mind" response to my post was an obvious putdown. I may not have any fashion sense but my heart was in the right place.
My female friend with the cape said it was her favorite article of clothing for hiding extra pounds. I honestly thought I was passing along good information.
And you further suggest I somehow don't have empathy because I mistake a 50 pound weight gain for being 50 pounds overweight. I felt ambushed over that bit of nitpicking. Good Job!
And if that weren't enough, Racer thanks you for "protecting" her from me. From what? Mentioning the same 50 f*cking pounds, *she* brought up in the first place? For suggesting a cape?
Furthermore, I take Racer's "thank you" for protecting her (from me) as another attack - more unnecessary piling on - directed squarely at ME. Both of you knew exactly what you were doing. And you've succeeded. I'm leaving. Be proud of yourselves.
You can both take a flying leap. I'm done with this site for good. I'm leaving to PROTECT MYSELF from mean-spirited bitches like you.
Verne
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 1, 2006, at 7:15:12
In reply to Thank you, where... » Pfinstegg, posted by Racer on May 1, 2006, at 1:09:19
I got mine through Saks. She found things from other places, not just Saks, and gave me lots to choose from. I did spend more money, both on her and on the clothes, than I'd ever done before, but it was really worth it. I feel much more confident going out to parties or work-related meetings- that was priceless! You deserve it,too. I know how far you've come in just a couple of years- nothing is too good for you, now that your life is blossoming out in such great ways.
PS I havent used Nordstrom, but they probably do the same thing, as does Nieman Marcus. And remem ber- you can buy fewer but prettier clothes which you'll love to wear longer, so it may not be as extravagant as it sounds.
Posted by greywolf on May 1, 2006, at 8:32:43
In reply to Re: Are you a Mind Reader? » verne, posted by gardenergirl on April 30, 2006, at 23:23:39
I think verne was just trying to be helpful, and at worst missed the distinction between weight gain and being overweight. It does not seem to me that verne lacks empathy or was knowingly being insensitive in any way.
Posted by ClearSkies on May 1, 2006, at 9:23:29
In reply to Thank you, where... » Pfinstegg, posted by Racer on May 1, 2006, at 1:09:19
I have only experienced their in-store assistance, but it was such a stress reliever!
I'd say call them again; or if you can, get to a store and speak to someone in person. I am having a similar conflict, although it's due to being overweight. It doesn't make me feel attractive in the least, but I know that there are dress solutions that are simply not what I've chosen before, and I need to be educated.Don't some of these stores have on-line shopping assistance? That might be worth a try.
CS
Posted by zazenduck on May 1, 2006, at 10:11:34
In reply to Tried to Help » gardenergirl, posted by verne on May 1, 2006, at 5:51:28
Verne I believe your heart is in the right place. I'm sorry some chose not to recieve what you offered in the same spirit you offered it. I hope you decide to come back if you're blocked although I understand if you decide not to. I hope God zaps you as you mentioned in one of your posts and that you have a wonderful day and life. I have enjoyed many of your posts.
Posted by Sobriquet Style on May 1, 2006, at 10:52:14
In reply to Tried to Help » gardenergirl, posted by verne on May 1, 2006, at 5:51:28
>I honestly thought I was passing along good information.
You was.
:-)
~
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on May 1, 2006, at 12:17:00
In reply to Fashion advice, posted by Racer on April 30, 2006, at 20:41:32
Some really good ideas above. I think the shopper would be great.
But some low-budget ideas that popped into my mind: do you have a close girlfriend (perhaps someone who has struggled w/ an ED) who could go w/ you an provide moral/practical support? Someone who you could REALLY tell what was going on. She could run and get stuff for you and help you find other stuff that is similar to what you like. And she could reassure you when you need it.
A girl is ideal (for fashion reasons) but a hubby who finds you irresistable can be good too. I had a boyfriend once who always made me feel so attractive when I would try something on. That positive energy really helped me get over some self-consciousness and bad feelings abt my body.
Also, are there things that you could buy on-line? Of course, you might have to get out there and shop 1st to get a sense of shapes and sizes. The internet can really cut down on in person shopping time. ;)
Best,
EE
Posted by alesta on May 1, 2006, at 13:05:43
In reply to Tried to Help » gardenergirl, posted by verne on May 1, 2006, at 5:51:28
verne,
hi...i could tell you were just trying to help...just wanted you to know that. i'm sorry there was a misunderstanding...i don't want to get into anything w/ anyone here...but i thought it was nice of you to try and help. i'm sorry ppl interpreted it negatively...everyone...can't we kiss and make up? i love all you guys and *know* verne didn't mean it in a bad way...i hate to see this sort of thing happen. but i felt verne deserved some support...undeserved bad feelings here
love,
aim
Posted by Racer on May 1, 2006, at 13:07:45
In reply to Re: Fashion advice, posted by Emily Elizabeth on May 1, 2006, at 12:17:00
>>
> But some low-budget ideas that popped into my mind: do you have a close girlfriend (perhaps someone who has struggled w/ an ED) who could go w/ you an provide moral/practical support?That's what I wish I could do, but I don't have anyone like that around here. Another of those little problems I need to work on -- social isolation...
>
>
> Of course, you might have to get out there and shop 1st to get a sense of shapes and sizes.And that's the big problem -- I have no idea what shape works for me. I know what USED to work for me, but not what works for me now.
A year ago, when I first started gaining the weight, I thought I should do this to try to help me get over the initial horrors of gaining. I didn't follow through for a variety of reasons, but now I'm in RelapseLand. Every time I think about what I think would work for me, it comes with a "and all I have to do is lose another 10 pounds..." sort of a thought. And, while yes -- I would very, very much like to lose 10 or 30 pounds, I also know that that's not the point. But there's a huge relapse-point in front of me, and much as I want to jump right in, I know it will be much harder for me because there are people watching me more closely now. (Someone explain to me how a psychiatrist can watch someone lose 50 pounds and NOT NOTICE?)
Ugh.
Thank you, EE.
Posted by Racer on May 1, 2006, at 13:11:10
In reply to Re: Tried to Help » verne, posted by zazenduck on May 1, 2006, at 10:11:34
I don't know if it makes any difference to Verne or not, but I did email him to tell him a little about how I saw his post. I hope he understands, because I do believe that he thought he was offering something of value. I don't think he meant what he wrote to hurt.
Which doesn't change the fact that it did hurt.
And it doesn't change the fact that it felt very nice that GG thought I deserved to be protected. I'm not used to being protected, and the context in which it happened really doesn't matter -- GG could have been protecting me from a very hostile peanut butter sandwich, it would still have felt nice.
Posted by alesta on May 1, 2006, at 13:12:31
In reply to verne's heart was in right place..., posted by alesta on May 1, 2006, at 13:05:43
ooops...i didn't see what verne wrote..the mean-spirited part and such...i think i want to stay out of this..i hope everyone is ok. i don't think you guys are b*tches. sorry if you thought i was supporting that. hope all you guys can maybe work this out..i hate conflict..:(
Posted by greywolf on May 1, 2006, at 14:37:58
In reply to uhhhh yikes i'm out of this.., posted by alesta on May 1, 2006, at 13:12:31
It would be difficult to defend verne's response to gg, but I can see how verne may have felt unfairly criticized. If someone's sensitive to receiving comments suggesting a lack of empathy when he thinks he's just trying to help, he'll likely react negatively to those comments.
With respect to this incident, the civility guidelines will likely give little credit to any rationalization in support of the reaction. Though verne's unhappiness with the interpretation of his (her?) initial post is understandable, the harshly judgmental response was hurtful toward others.
But this situation echoes a debate that occurred a couple weeks ago, and highlights again the question of whether a post that prompts an uncivil reply through its own phrasing issues violates the civility rule.
Posted by alesta on May 1, 2006, at 14:59:46
In reply to Re: uhhhh yikes i'm out of this.., posted by greywolf on May 1, 2006, at 14:37:58
> It would be difficult to defend verne's response to gg, but I can see how verne may have felt unfairly criticized. If someone's sensitive to receiving comments suggesting a lack of empathy when he thinks he's just trying to help, he'll likely react negatively to those comments.
>
> With respect to this incident, the civility guidelines will likely give little credit to any rationalization in support of the reaction. Though verne's unhappiness with the interpretation of his (her?) initial post is understandable, the harshly judgmental response was hurtful toward others.
>
> But this situation echoes a debate that occurred a couple weeks ago, and highlights again the question of whether a post that prompts an uncivil reply through its own phrasing issues violates the civility rule.
>yes greywolf...i think you and i are on the same page here...i am too high right now to really delve...but somehow i think that with a clear head i would concur....i appreciate what you said. :-)
amy:)
Posted by muffled on May 1, 2006, at 15:22:56
In reply to Tried to Help » gardenergirl, posted by verne on May 1, 2006, at 5:51:28
Vern,GG, Racer, they all good people. They not perfect just like me. We all got our moments. It'll be ok.
Its ok.
(((vern)))(((GG)))(((racer)))
Ya
Posted by Declan on May 1, 2006, at 16:44:11
In reply to Re: Tried to Help, posted by muffled on May 1, 2006, at 15:22:56
Some people have communication styles (directed to themselves and to others) that are mocking and irreverent. People have different senses of humour. Misunderstandings occur. People are complex. Stuff like that.
Declan
Posted by AuntieMel on May 1, 2006, at 17:42:12
In reply to Tried to Help » gardenergirl, posted by verne on May 1, 2006, at 5:51:28
I don't know what's going on here, but I know you're having a rough time.
Just a reminder to *please* take a couple of breaths and calm down.
Call me if you need to.
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