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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 98. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
I had been doing really well ignoring the girls giving me grief at work. But today I just lost it. More crying at my desk. I wish there was something you could take to make yourself not burst into tears so easily.
Well the day was going okay, I had my headphones on all day, but I was still getting annoyed at Bitchygirl. She just always seemed to be in my face all day. I sit by one of the printers and she seemed to stay there all day. Sometimes both her and ColdShouldergirl would be there for the longest time, and I had to turn my music way up to drown out Bitchygirl's voice.
Then lunchtime comes around and Bitchygirl walks up to the desk beside me and puts down huge bags of Chinese food they had ordered, and starts passing them out (usually they hand it out somewhere else). Everybody had ordered except for me and this one quiet guy I think they just missed. It was just such an obviously orchestrated event that it was embarrassing. People were looking at me and I know they all knew I was being intentionally slighted.
I talked to the quiet guy about us not being included and told him what was going on. He was like, "If that's the case, I don't want to eat with them". That and sitting in my car at lunch made me feel a little better. As I'm walking back in, I walk by Cuteboy and a group of people that usually are half way decent to me. I get no acknowledgment from them whatsoever. I was totally upset by the time I got inside. I felt like everyone know's what's going on and they just don't care!
So I'm trying to get through the day when coldshouldergirl comes up to the printers to talk to cuteboy and tells him she's sorry she didn't call him back, she had messages from (she listed a handful of coworkers). And once again it was completely obvious how intentional it was. I was like, oh crap, they found my weakness. Later I hear the bitchygirls talking to people about going out, so I realize that's what this is all about. I tried to drown them out with my headphones, but I just started crying. I was so pissed because I didn't want them to see me cry and think they got to me. They would think it was about them when actually I was upset about cuteboy. I watched him out of the corner of my eye all day as he joked and laughed with this whole crowd. He, out of everyone there, knows the most about what's going on. I kept telling myself that I had to accept the fact that he doesn't care. I have to get that through to myself. I know all the guys are trying to stay out of it, but when they go along with all this stuff that they know is engineered to hurt me, it seems like they're involved in it to me. I just kept thinking, I've got to realize that he doesn't REALLY care and was only being nice to me. I’ve got to accept that. Of course in the very back of my mind I don’t completely believe it, but I think its because I don’t want to.
So I leave work, watching him walk out with the bitchygirls, just laughing and talking loud with them. I was just losing it. I managed to get to my car before I burst into sobbing tears. I cried all the way home and on the liqueur store. I know, nice, huh? They cashier thought I was having a party.
I’m just so upset and feel like I wasn’t meant to have any friends. Its just too hard. I'm defective or something.
-T
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 18:39:04
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
Okay, this is going on where you WORK? I can understand this happening in a high school cafeteria, but NOT where you WORK!
Does your boss know that the environment in your office is so bad that you go home and drink? or cry at work? Have you thought about talking to your boss? I may not know the whole story, but I do know that you are more than that job.
You can try to change it from within, but if that fails, give yourself some hope by looking for other opportunities. Again, I don't know the whole story, but I can guarentee you they aren't paying you enough for this stress.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Try to relax this weekend (w/o alcohol).
I'll be thinking about you.
Maddie
Posted by verne on April 21, 2006, at 19:03:18
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 18:39:04
I've been out of the work force for awhile so don't know how it works but could something like the Labor Board or an attorney help? Hostile work environment and that sort of thing.
Check out legal aid, perhaps, they'll help free of charge. Having a paper trail, letter from an attorney and journal, will help later if the office games cause you to quit or be fired.
Sometimes lawyers make matters worse though - I try to avoid them myself.
verne
Posted by verne on April 21, 2006, at 19:04:14
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » madeline, posted by verne on April 21, 2006, at 19:03:18
Posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:15:23
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
It sounds to me like you are stuck in an office with high school kids that still have high school mentality. They are so insecure about themselves that they have to create diversions in the office so people don't realise just how vacuous they are. Maybe buy her a little plant or something for her work space. Make sure everyone can hear you when you give it to her and say something like *this should brighten up your desk* Do this very quickly and don't let her respond and walk back to your desk with a nice smile, not smug. Put it back on her, she will look like the bitch if she continues her daily jibes. I'm pretty sure she will just leave you alone in the end. Good luck and if things do get worse go to your boss. Don't get bullied in your workplace there is no need to put up with it. It will make you sick, It made me very sick, but if you can try something simple like I mentioned above without involving the boss first, then give it a go, good luck Paul.
P.S. don't spend more than $5 on the cow.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:18:59
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 18:39:04
Thanks, I appreciate that. Its been said before that the people I work with sound like they're in high school or even jr high. That's part of what makes it so frusterating because as an adult I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it. According to a few coworkers, they do this all the time. They choose one person to pick on. I've taken the place of another girl they did pretty much the same thing to.
I have talked with my boss and HR about one girl, who is the instigator, but I asked them not to do anything yet because I wanted to see if she would lose interest while I was ignoring her. She did just that for a couple of weeks. But now they've switched gears from work stuff to personal stuff. What can my boss do about that? He can't make them include me in their plans.
Today I was mostly upset at the other people who were acting like nothing was going on. I know people want to stay out of it, but there comes a point where not doing anything is like agreeing with it. Its not that I expect them to take up for me or anything, just maybe not participating in activities that include everyone but me. Or at least tell me they don't agree with it but don't want to get involved. That would be better than doing nothing.
I will be going on layoff for 3 months starting with June. So I'm trying to just tough it out, and then I'll go job hunting while on layoff. But I have this stubborn part of me that doesn't want to let them drive me away. I want to leave on my own terms. I've never delt with bullies very well. I'd like to think, as an adult, I can handle the situation that I couldn't as a kid.
-T
BTW, the alcohol thing isn't new. I can't really blame that on my job.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:28:22
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » madeline, posted by verne on April 21, 2006, at 19:03:18
> I've been out of the work force for awhile so don't know how it works but could something like the Labor Board or an attorney help? Hostile work environment and that sort of thing.
>
> Check out legal aid, perhaps, they'll help free of charge. Having a paper trail, letter from an attorney and journal, will help later if the office games cause you to quit or be fired.Thanks, I will if it comes to that. My boss knows about it and knows what she's like. He said they had problems with her husband too when he worked there. I have printouts of the nasty little notes she's left (via computer), and I've been keeping a journal of every little stupid thing she does. I will probably talk with the boss on Monday about what happened today.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:31:53
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:15:23
You're right, it is making me sick. I just don't know how anything can be done about them shunning me socially (and then talking about it at work). I just don't understand how people can treat other people this way. How can that be enjoyable? I just don't get it.
-T
Posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:38:54
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » tizza, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:31:53
The social thing sucks but try the flower thing please!!!! I want to hear how she reacts. It will probably freak her out and make your co-workers see her for what she is. A bully and a bitch. If you do try it, see if you can do it while the boss is there. A bit of reverse psychology in the office can work wonders. Paul
Posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:43:42
In reply to What a crappy day., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 17:59:40
I'm sorry sweetheart. They are quite warped aren't they? My T says that who you DO NOT have a relationship with can say a lot about you. So chalk this up to your integrity as a human being. As far as cute boy goes...his judgment might be off. I don't know, but those wenches sound wretched. They sound like such mind f*ckers, and I don't use the term lightly. It's a shame you have to interact with them at all. I wish you could find some more safety other than the headphones (which sound like a great idea by the way)
You are NOT defective my dear, but they sound vicious. I'm sorry. I wish I could think of a way to make it not matter to you.
Easy on the liquor okay?
((((TexasChic)))))))
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 19:46:29
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:38:54
Try to get one that she is allergic to ;).
Just kidding. I still really like the idea.
Posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:48:34
In reply to I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 19:46:29
me too! and the idea of some big bright enthusiastic and cheery "Good Morning! How are you?! you spawn of satan!" with or without the satan part ;-)
Posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:53:03
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:48:34
it's just a really inoffensive way to put somone on their back foot and leave them flummoxed. Paul
Posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 20:06:27
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:53:03
and it's fantastic that you have documented everything that has been going on. Hopefully you don't have to pull out the big guns. One of my mates at work is going through HR issues at the moment because our boss has been bullying him. Noone knows but it has been going on for years and he has documented every single snide comment, e-mail and conversation. It's a long and painful process for him but sometimes it has to be done. paul
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:21:45
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 19:48:34
Thanks yall. The flower thing does sound good, but I think I have passed that point. This has been going on a while and I've already tried to be friendly, I've ignored her, I've tried being over friendly (sitting down at the lunch table with a big smile on my face saying, "whacha talking about?" knowing it was 'me'), I've done just about everything.
-------------
My brother just called and left a message saying he wanted to talk to me, he said he had a weird week and had alot to tell me. I just can't deal with that right now! I used to let him vent to me and I would try to advise him, but at some point it just got to be too much for me.
Add to this my sister called earlier complaining about her boyfriend, who she's wanted to get away from for the last 8 years, saying he came to pick her up drunk. And I was like, and what if he does that and drives with my nephew! She's all like, "What am I supposed to do, he'll come after me, where would I go, blah, blah, blah". I told her none of that will mean anything if my nephew gets hurt. I've been through all this a thousand times with her. I just can't listen to it anymore when she refuses to do anything about it.
I've really got to go back to therapy, I know that. I lost the number of the therapist my Pdoc gave me, so I've been procrastinating while looking for it. I've got to take my own advise and stop complaining and start doing something about it.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone.
-T
Posted by sleepygirl on April 21, 2006, at 20:29:16
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:21:45
Take good care of you. It's alright. Give yourself the respect you deserve.
By the way...you really can complain all you want. You're having a tough time after all. Someone to help you through it would be a good idea. I hope that happens for you soon.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:38:09
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 20:06:27
> and it's fantastic that you have documented everything that has been going on.
Unfortunately, I know to do this from experience. I've had a similar situation at my last two jobs as well. I think something about my personality makes this happen. I've kind of figured out it has to do with the fact that I hate the whole gossiping about everyone at work thing, which seems to come with every job. I think its kind of a with them or against them sort of thing (if I don't join in I must be against them). Its always the women, so I end up hanging out with the guys, which makes the women even madder. I'm definitely going to resist becoming friends with work people from now on. It just always turns out bad.
-T
Posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » madeline, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 19:18:59
>
> I have talked with my boss and HR about one girl, who is the instigator, but I asked them not to do anything yet because I wanted to see if she would lose interest while I was ignoring her. She did just that for a couple of weeks. But now they've switched gears from work stuff to personal stuff. What can my boss do about that? He can't make them include me in their plans.
>No, but the Hostile Work Environment is still there, and they can do something about THAT.
I know it's hard, but for the sake of all the other employees, talk to your boss and to HR again, and ask them to resolve this situation. This really isn't about you -- it's about bitchygirl's behavior, and what that does to the work environment. You're not tattling to someone and asking that you be coddled -- you're asking your employer to fulfill their responsibilities to ALL employees.
There have been so many articles and news stories and books lately about Office Sociopaths, talking about how the behavior of some employees poisons the atmosphere and interferes with the performance of the entire office. What you're experiencing is NOT OK, and it's NOT something you're in any way at fault for.
TC, listen -- I've experienced the Office Sociopath myself, including watching her get several people fired. Heck, she nearly got me fired. She was caught out for having left early one day without permission -- and proceeded to get a guy fired, saying she was afraid to stay because he had been cornering her and fondling her under her shirt! Uh.... That would explain her coming to me before leaving to ask if our department head was coming back to the office that day? No, I'm thinking the story might have had some credibility if it hadn't been held back until she herself was in trouble...
So, it's too late for me. I'd take it as a personal favor, though, if you'd take action against this one for ALL OF US.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming...
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:59:26
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:38:09
I wrote my friend about this in between posting here, and he responded immediately. He used to work with me but moved to San Fransico. He's so funny, he's such an easygoing person but he gets really mad about all this (he knows all the people involved) and he totally trashes them in a way I never could - telling me not to let those hoes get to me, and calling the one girl the 'c' word. He told me he was proud of how I've stood up to them.
I've just got to keep this in perspective and not let it overwhelm me. I have a tendency to get all caught up in these things.
-T
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:07:52
In reply to GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
Thanks Racer. I will talk to my boss on Monday. I'm feeling more in control after talking about all this. I was just so upset when I first got home from work, it felt like the world was coming to an end. But I'm getting my perspective back now.
Thanks everyone for encouraging me during my crisis.
-T
Posted by greywolf on April 21, 2006, at 21:17:46
In reply to Re: I REALLY like the flower idea., posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 20:59:26
My advice, based on years of arbitrating disputes arising out of similar behavior at the offices I've worked in, is to very intentionally and consistently divorce yourself from the people and events that are causing you pain.
Talk to HR all you want, but in my experience they rarely solve anything long-term. Often, HR intervention makes the situation worse.
In my experience, the most effective tactic is putting social and emotional distance between you and those who are creating problems for you. It may take some time, but they eventually tire of the games when they don't receive the response they're hoping for, and some of them may actually recognize the boorishness of their behavior.
Posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:31:18
In reply to Stay aloof, posted by greywolf on April 21, 2006, at 21:17:46
Thanks for the advice. I've been trying to divorce myself from the situation, and I've been doing pretty well the last couple of weeks. But today they just found a weak spot.
I will defintely want to know what HR would do before they do it. The whole reason I asked them not to do anything the last time I talked to them was because I was afraid it would make things worse. I'll just take it one step at a time and try to trust my own judgement. I don't want to leave her to terrorize others after I'm gone, but I have to protect myself too.
-T
Posted by madeline on April 21, 2006, at 21:44:59
In reply to Re: Stay aloof » greywolf, posted by TexasChic on April 21, 2006, at 21:31:18
you SOUND a lot better, Texas. Good to hear it.
Just trust your own judgement.
Only YOU know how to handle this best because no one, not HR, not me or anyone else in this situation (although I wish I were there to help).Keep us posted.
Maddie
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2006, at 22:55:43
In reply to Re: What a crappy day. » TexasChic, posted by tizza on April 21, 2006, at 19:38:54
Hey T I agree with Tizza imagine the look on her face when you present her witha gift and the others see it too, You will come out the winner. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2006, at 23:04:55
In reply to GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! » TexasChic, posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 20:53:07
PS reverse psychology really works. I used it a lot myself at work. I can still she the open mouth when you present her with a gift and all the others see her for who she is. Love Phillipa
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