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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on November 7, 2005, at 9:25:43
sorry to anyone i haven't replied to yet...i will get back when i have the energy/time i promise. life just keeps throwing punches lately...i have a bf that i keep trying to unsuccessfully break up with that is making me insane..nobody believes me when i say how he is..jeckyl and hyde man..even his email is has dr jeckl in it!!! oh my god sometimes i think i am going to lose it..i try to block him out and what he says sometimes...it is really hard though. how do i break up with him? it is so hard for me for some reason. maybe cause i live in same building with him. man, i just need someone to believe me.
btw, i am going to stop trying to get involved with guys that seem perfect/too good to be true. they are almost always the abuser type. i have such a knack for getting involved with them lately. i made much wiser choices in men in my teens and twenties. funny how that works. god, i just need someone to believe me and support me and tell me this situation is going to work out. i know i need to break up...i need to get out of this shelter first though..breaking up is just too much stress on top of everything else. i just want to cry and just get all this out. it is sooo hard for me right now.
thank you for listening. sometimes i feel like i might go crazy after dealing with him...please..just someone believe me.
and i spend tons of time listening to others problems and helping them, and then when i tell them mine they don't even believe me, or they don't understand or try to understand. someone asked me if i was okay yesterday..i asked him why and he said that i just seemed "out of it". i didn't realize i seemed that way...i am not sure what it is an indicator of. depression? a response to stress? anyone have an idea?
thanks for reading and any help..even if i can't really respond right away....i apologize...
love,
amyp.s. there's other stuff bothering me, too..like when i boost certain ppl up and help them out of their depression or whatever and then they run with that and try to put me down in subtle ways...ppl are just plain mean sometimes. this girl thinks i am her friend but i really can't stand her $ss....sorry for that bad attitude right there. ppl can be so stressful...i am trying to block them out, and it really kinda helps restore my peacefulness. thanks for at least reading this y'all. that alone is a help. but the boyfriend issue is my biggest problem (although everything can be overwhelming)...it is stressing me to no end..i can't express the effect he has on me mentally...i try not to lose my mind around him. god help me.
Posted by nobother on November 7, 2005, at 10:30:50
In reply to oh mah god things are challenging (to put nicely), posted by alesta on November 7, 2005, at 9:25:43
Don't apologise too much for having a bad time. Sometimes it's a good thing to let it out. If people know you and are truelly your friend then I am sure they will forgive you. Go ahead, take a deep breath dump 'im. For whatever reason, I can tell that you don't want to be with him.
I haven't had a chance to catch up on whose who yet as this is the first time I have been on here. But I am sure you need to be a bit mor assertive. More-so on yourself. You need to make a descision, stick to it and don't feel guilty about it.
We are all allowed to have a 'momment' and still see another day. Is there someone you can trust who could be in the background when you break up with mr Hyde? That way perhaps Mr Hyde might not show his face. Take it easy. Lol, nobother. xx
Posted by alesta on November 7, 2005, at 12:38:09
In reply to Re: oh mah god things are challenging (to put nicely), posted by nobother on November 7, 2005, at 10:30:50
thanks NB, and nice to meet ya! i appreciate the supportive words! and welcome to babbleland.
<Is there someone you can trust who could be in the background when you break up with mr Hyde?
well, there sort of is, but he is actually best friends with mr. hyde, and actually not someone i could trust in the least...and would not really be a good person to get involved with. i did give it a thought, but i think my morals and common sense or winning out on this one.
<That way perhaps Mr Hyde might not show his face.
heheehhe. he'd show his face anyway...or jeckl..you don't know this guy...but i like the way you think.:)
<Take it easy. Lol, nobother. xxyikes! he's here! gotta go! you take it easy too!
xx :)
amy
Posted by fairywings on November 7, 2005, at 12:53:22
In reply to oh mah god things are challenging (to put nicely), posted by alesta on November 7, 2005, at 9:25:43
boy that's a hard one alesta! if you didn't live in the same bldg. with him it might be easier. when's your lease up, and will you be moving? if he's abusive you need to take care of yourself and get out, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. maybe just be busy doing other things until he gets tired of calling you, and maybe don't answer his nasty emails. sounds like a horrible situation.
as far as other ppl go, it's hard to know until you've really been with someone, how they're going to treat you, but when the chips are down for you, then you see who your real friends are. the heck with the rest. and if you don't like that one girl, lose her, she's just excess baggage. stop calling, stop going out, don't answer the door when she stops by, and tell her you have other plans when she wants to do something. if she's the one who you boosted, and she puts you down, who needs that?
good luck!
fairywings
Posted by allisonross on November 7, 2005, at 15:48:33
In reply to oh mah god things are challenging (to put nicely), posted by alesta on November 7, 2005, at 9:25:43
> Hey, Alesta: I am new here
,,sorry to anyone i haven't replied to yet...i will get back when i have the energy/time i promise. life just keeps throwing punches lately...i have a bf that i keep trying to unsuccessfully break up with that is making me insane..nobody believes me when i say how he is..jeckyl and hyde man.
I (underline the word ...I) believe you. I lived with a verbal abuser for 31 years.
.even his email is has dr jeckl in it!!! oh my god sometimes i think i am going to lose it..i try to block him out and what he says sometimes...it is really hard though. how do i break up with him? it is so hard for me for some reason. maybe cause i live in same building with him. man, i just need someone to believe me.
i believe you (repeating myself, LOL,LOL)
>
> btw, i am going to stop trying to get involved with guys that seem perfect/too good to be true. they are almost always the abuser type. i have such a knack for getting involved with them lately. i made much wiser choices in men in my teens and twenties. funny how that works. god, i just need someone to believe me and support mePlease don't hesitate to write to me: wacalice@aol.com (I counsel abused women, no degree, but a lifetime of experience and research) and tell me this situation is going to work out. i know i need to break up...i need to get out of this shelter first though.
You are in a shelter? How sad for you.
.breaking up is just too much stress on top of everything else. i just want to cry and just get all this out. it is sooo hard for me right now.
I cannot imagine how hard that is. You have too much on your plate. Can you try to be gentle with yourself? Think of yourself as a friend?
>
> thank you for listening. sometimes i feel like i might go crazy after dealing with him...please..just someone believe me.I know ALL about it: It's called "crazy-making behavior" The book that took me 25 years to find and saved my (whutz left of it, LOL) mind: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans..
.I believe this should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Verbal abuse is rampant in our culture, and rarely recognized (because it is so prevalent), nor dealt with.
> and i spend tons of time listening to others problems and helping them, and then when i tell them mine they don't even believe me, or they don't understand or try to understand.
They can't understand; verbal abuse, etc., is so insidious, that if you try and explain it to someone, they look at you weird, like you just grew another head; they are incapable of understanding.
It isn't that they don't want to; it's like trying t explain color to someone who is blind.
me if i was okay yesterday..i asked him why and he said that i just seemed "out of it". i didn't realize i seemed that way...i am not sure what it is an indicator of. depression? a response to stress? anyone have an idea?
> thanks for reading and any help..even if i can't really respond right away....i apologize...
> love,
> amyDon't worry, you can e-mail me anytime: wacalice@aol.com
>
> p.s. there's other stuff bothering me, too..like when i boost certain ppl up and help them out of their depression or whatever and then they run with that and try to put me down in subtle ways...ppl are just plain mean sometimes. this girl thinks i am her friend but i really can't stand her $ss....sorry for that bad attitude right there. ppl can be so stressful...i am trying to block them out,Yup, try to stay away from "unsafe" people; that's like taking a whiff of poison.
and it really kinda helps restore my peacefulness. thanks for at least reading this y'all. that alone is a help. but the boyfriend issue is my biggest problem (although everything can be overwhelming)...it is stressing me to no end..i can't express the effect he has on me mentally..
Believe me, I KNOW (31 years); again repeating myself, LOL!
.i try not to lose my mind around him. god help me.
Do you know that verbal abuse is LITERAL brainwashing?!
So, it is no wonder you fear losing your sanity. Millions (on my soapbox now) of women are living like this. The statistics are 1 in 3 (I believe it is more like 2 out of 3).
Take a deep breath, sweetie; give me a holler when you can. Love and hugs, Ally
>
>
Posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2005, at 21:16:00
In reply to Re: oh mah god things are challenging (to put nice » alesta, posted by allisonross on November 7, 2005, at 15:48:33
Verbal abuse seems to just sneak up on you. If you know what I mean? Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by alesta on November 8, 2005, at 16:03:49
In reply to Re: oh mah god things are challenging (to put nice » alesta, posted by allisonross on November 7, 2005, at 15:48:33
thanks y'all...i'd reply individually but i still need to really look at your responses...i can't bring myself to right now...but fairywings, allison, and philippa, please know that i appreciate it very, very much...:)
i am trying to break up with him tonite...i just can't take it anymore..i could be really happy and he will find a way to always make me sad/depressed. i just can't take it anymore. (i've spent more time with him the last week too, which could be why i'm suddenly starting to abruptly break down) he is destroying me. i now know for sure that he has narcissistic personality disorder, just like my mom, and one other boyfriend before him. i have to get away. i hope i am strong enough to do this. i better not talk too much about it, or i won't do it. sorry i am such a downer...and he is turning me into a vacuous soul, just like himself..no joy whatsoever...i can't let him do this to me! oh my god..i hope i can recover my happiness. (i felt like i had mastered happiness...even in the worst circumstances..he has changed all that.) sorry for going on..all i want to do is gripe and complain. i'm not sure if getting away from him is going to help me recover who i was. help.........(i'm not really asking for more help...it just felt like i needed to utter that word for some reason..it feels good to admit i am helpless in this circumstance..i have no clue as to why.:))
thanks for reading this....i'll feel better soon i'm sure...thank you......!!!
love,amy
Posted by sal0805 on November 8, 2005, at 16:28:49
In reply to re: was gonna change subj but changed my mind...:), posted by alesta on November 8, 2005, at 16:03:49
Well, I don't think you need a clue as to why - just make sure you keep on sharing!
Keep your head up girl - you are already doing such a great job!
S
Posted by alesta on November 8, 2005, at 17:02:17
In reply to re: was gonna change subj but changed my mind...:) » alesta, posted by sal0805 on November 8, 2005, at 16:28:49
but ppl might want to skim it to get an idea...i find this article particularly relevant with being abused by a narcissist (i've been mentally abused by a crack addict, y'all...and the abuse didn't even come close to the narcissist's mental destructiveness...) i just thought this might help lend some understanding possibly to someone out there who might need it, or is interested....
"There is one place in which one's privacy, intimacy, integrity and inviolability are guaranteed – one's body and mind, a unique temple and a familiar territory of sensa and personal history. The abuser invades, defiles and desecrates this shrine. He does so publicly, deliberately, repeatedly and, often, sadistically and sexually, with undisguised pleasure. Hence the all-pervasive, long-lasting, and, frequently, irreversible effects and outcomes of abuse.In a way, the abuse victim's own body and mind are rendered his worse enemies. It is mental and corporeal agony that compels the sufferer to mutate, his identity to fragment, his ideals and principles to crumble. The body, one's very brain, become accomplices of the bully or tormentor, an uninterruptible channel of communication, a treasonous, poisoned territory. This fosters a humiliating dependency of the abused on the perpetrator. Bodily needs denied – touch, light, sleep, toilet, food, water, safety – and nagging reactions of guilt and humiliation are wrongly perceived by the victim as the direct causes of his degradation and dehumanization. As he sees it, he is rendered bestial not by the sadistic bullies around him but by his own flesh and consciousness.
The concepts of "body" or "psyche" can easily be extended to "family", or "home". Abuse – especially in familial settings – is often applied to kin and kith, compatriots, or colleagues. This intends to disrupt the continuity of "surroundings, habits, appearance, relations with others", as the CIA put it in one of its torture training manuals. A sense of cohesive self-identity depends crucially on the familiar and the continuous. By attacking both one's biological-mental body and one's "social body", the victim's mind is strained to the point of dissociation.
Abuse robs the victim of the most basic modes of relating to reality and, thus, is the equivalent of cognitive death. Space and time are warped by sleep deprivation – the frequent outcome of anxiety and stress. The self ("I") is shattered. When the abuser is a family member, or a group of peers, or an adult role model (for instance, a teacher), the abused have nothing familiar to hold on to: family, home, personal belongings, loved ones, language, one's own name – all seem to evaporate in the turmoil of abuse. Gradually, the victim loses his mental resilience and sense of freedom. He feels alien and objectified – unable to communicate, relate, attach, or empathize with others.
Abuse splinters early childhood grandiose narcissistic fantasies of uniqueness, omnipotence, invulnerability, and impenetrability. But it enhances the fantasy of merger with an idealized and omnipotent (though not benign) other – the inflicter of agony. The twin processes of individuation and separation are reversed.
Abuse is the ultimate act of perverted intimacy. The abuser invades the victim's body, pervades his psyche, and possesses his mind. Deprived of contact with others and starved for human interactions, the prey bonds with the predator. "Traumatic bonding", akin to the Stockholm syndrome, is about hope and the search for meaning in the brutal and indifferent and nightmarish universe of the abusive relationship. The abuser becomes the black hole at the center of the victim's surrealistic galaxy, sucking in the sufferer's universal need for solace. The victim tries to "control" his tormentor by becoming one with him (introjecting him) and by appealing to the monster's presumably dormant humanity and empathy.
This bonding is especially strong when the abuser and the abused form a dyad and "collaborate" in the rituals and acts of abuse (for instance, when the victim is coerced into selecting the abuse implements and the types of torment to be inflicted, or to choose between two evils).
Obsessed by endless ruminations, demented by pain and the reactions to maltreatment – sleeplessness, malnutrition, and substance abuse – the victim regresses, shedding all but the most primitive defense mechanisms: splitting, narcissism, dissociation, Projective Identification, introjection, and cognitive dissonance. The victim constructs an alternative world, often suffering from depersonalization and derealization, hallucinations, ideas of reference, delusions, and psychotic episodes. Sometimes the victim comes to crave pain – very much as self-mutilators do – because it is a proof and a reminder of his individuated existence otherwise blurred by the incessant abuse. Pain shields the sufferer from disintegration and capitulation. It preserves the veracity of his unthinkable and unspeakable experiences. It reminds him that he can still feel and, therefore, that he is still human.
These dual processes of the victim's alienation and addiction to anguish complement the perpetrator's view of his quarry as "inhuman", or "subhuman". The abuser assumes the position of the sole authority, the exclusive fount of meaning and interpretation, the source of both evil and good.
Abuse is about reprogramming the victim to succumb to an alternative exegesis of the world, proffered by the abuser. It is an act of deep, indelible, traumatic indoctrination. The abused also swallows whole and assimilates the abuser's negative view of him and often, as a result, is rendered suicidal, self-destructive, or self-defeating.
Thus, abuse has no cut-off date. The sounds, the voices, the smells, the sensations reverberate long after the episode has ended – both in nightmares and in waking moments. The victim's ability to trust other people – i.e., to assume that their motives are at least rational, if not necessarily benign – has been irrevocably undermined. Social institutions – even the family itself – are perceived as precariously poised on the verge of an ominous, Kafkaesque mutation. Nothing is either safe, or credible anymore.
Victims typically react by undulating between emotional numbing and increased arousal: insomnia, irritability, restlessness, and attention deficits. Recollections of the traumatic events intrude in the form of dreams, night terrors, flashbacks, and distressing associations.
The abused develop compulsive rituals to fend off obsessive thoughts. Other psychological sequelae reported include cognitive impairment, reduced capacity to learn, memory disorders, sexual dysfunction, social withdrawal, inability to maintain long term relationships, or even mere intimacy, phobias, ideas of reference and superstitions, delusions, hallucinations, psychotic microepisodes, and emotional flatness. Depression and anxiety are very common. These are forms and manifestations of self-directed aggression. The sufferer rages at his own victimhood and resulting multiple dysfunctions.
He feels shamed by his new disabilities and responsible, or even guilty, somehow, for his predicament and the dire consequences borne by his nearest and dearest. His sense of self-worth and self-esteem are crippled. Suicide is perceived as both a relief and a solution.
In a nutshell, abuse victims suffer from a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Their strong feelings of anxiety, guilt, and shame are also typical of victims of childhood abuse, domestic violence, and rape. They feel anxious because the perpetrator's behavior is seemingly arbitrary and unpredictable – or mechanically and inhumanly regular.
They feel guilty and disgraced because, to restore a semblance of order to their shattered world and a modicum of dominion over their chaotic life, they need to transform themselves into the cause of their own degradation and the accomplices of their tormentors.
Inevitably, in the aftermath of abuse, its victims feel helpless and powerless. This loss of control over one's life and body is manifested physically in impotence, attention deficits, and insomnia. This is often exacerbated by the disbelief many abuse victims encounter, especially if they are unable to produce scars, or other "objective" proof of their ordeal. Language cannot communicate such an intensely private experience as pain.
Bystanders resent the abused because they make them feel guilty and ashamed for having done nothing to prevent the atrocity. The victims threaten their sense of security and their much-needed belief in predictability, justice, and rule of law. The victims, on their part, do not believe that it is possible to effectively communicate to "outsiders" what they have been through. The abuse seems to have occurred on "another galaxy". This is how Auschwitz was described by the author K. Zetnik in his testimony in the Eichmann trial in Jerusalem in 1961.
Often, continued attempts to repress fearful memories result in psychosomatic illnesses (conversion). The victim wishes to forget the abuse, to avoid re-experiencing the often life threatening torment and to shield his human environment from the horrors. In conjunction with the victim's pervasive distrust, this is frequently interpreted as hypervigilance, or even paranoia. It seems that the victims can't win. Abuse is forever.
When the victim realizes that the abuse he suffered is now an integral part of his very being, a determinant of his self-identity, and that he is doomed to bear his pains and fears, shackled to his trauma, and tortured by it – suicide often appears to be a benign alternative.'
end of article folks....take it easy.:)
Posted by alesta on November 8, 2005, at 17:11:08
In reply to re: was gonna change subj but changed my mind...:) » alesta, posted by sal0805 on November 8, 2005, at 16:28:49
> Well, I don't think you need a clue as to why - just make sure you keep on sharing!
i will, unfortunately for the masses here..:)
> Keep your head up girl - you are already doing such a great job!that helps soooo much to hear that for some reason...i'm printing out those words for posterity...:)
thank you again...i hope to talk to you more later..this lab is shutting down. You sound so wonderful sabri and are so kind..sorry if I sound monotone but I’m rushing right now...talk at ya more later!!!! Love ya
Amy;)
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