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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 13:55:29
I'm seen as the screw-up in my family. My husband often comments about being a single man with two children. (Charming, isn't it?)
But I felt reasonably competent this vacation. I really used the sense of direction I inherited from my mother. And I realized that my husband makes poor decisions at least as often as I would.
So maybe I'll stop deferring to him so much and not continue to accept my role as family screw-up.
I don't even know how I managed to get there. I was the good responsible daughter in my family of origin. The one that everyone, including my parents, turned to.
How did a mere thirteen years of marriage destroy my confidence??
Posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 15:02:16
In reply to Vacation was good for me, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 13:55:29
Hi Dinah! Glad you had a good vacation. It's great to see you back here!
> I'm seen as the screw-up in my family. My husband often comments about being a single man with two children. (Charming, isn't it?)
Hmm... What message does your son get from that?
> But I felt reasonably competent this vacation. I really used the sense of direction I inherited from my mother. And I realized that my husband makes poor decisions at least as often as I would.
Yay you! Of course you are competent.
> So maybe I'll stop deferring to him so much and not continue to accept my role as family screw-up.
That sounds like a good plan. You may need to re-educate your husband :)
> I don't even know how I managed to get there. I was the good responsible daughter in my family of origin. The one that everyone, including my parents, turned to.
>
> How did a mere thirteen years of marriage destroy my confidence??I don’t know how it is in your family, but I think that a lot of people like to feel they're in control or in charge (it’s often men because of the culture we live in, but it’s not just men). The easiest way to be 'the head of the family' is to prevent the competition getting a look-in. I've seen it done by means of repeated gentle teasing; just enough to undermine the other partner about her decision-making abilities. I think people aren’t usually aware that they’re doing it, but it seems to me that a lot of marriages involve subtle power struggles (mine included!).
Of course, that's just what popped into my mind when I read your post, and might have nothing to do with the dynamics in your family...
Tamar
Posted by Sonya on August 7, 2005, at 15:05:52
In reply to Vacation was good for me, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 13:55:29
Hi, Dinah. Glad you had a nice vacation. Welcome back, we all missed you!
I think even in my own immediate family, the stigma of mental illness turned me into the "family screw-up". Just the other night I was having an anxiety attack on the couch next to my husband while we were watching tv. He could sense what was going on, but instead of comforting me, he rolls his eyes and distances himself. Doesn't help, to say the least, with my self-esteem. I realize people can't MAKE you feel a certain way, but nevertheless it makes me feel like a joke.
So is it the mental illness stigma that made you think you are the "family screwup" (which, btw, I'm sure you are not).
Peace....Sonya
Posted by justyourlaugh on August 7, 2005, at 15:17:03
In reply to Vacation was good for me, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 13:55:29
d...
beach sand betwwen the toes make a new light...
embrace faults in yourself ..embrace them in everyone..
j
Posted by wildcard on August 7, 2005, at 16:45:58
In reply to Re: Vacation was good for me, posted by Sonya on August 7, 2005, at 15:05:52
you deserved it and i'm glad your back!
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 17:25:19
In reply to Re: Vacation was good for me » Dinah, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 15:02:16
Actually, I'm sure it does have a part in my family. And I contribute to that. :(
Truth be told, part of the problem is that it's hard to live with a person with OCPD. He really is close to perfect in most ways, and I invariably do things less carefully than he does. And of course, very high standards is part of the whole OCPD picture. I really like what my son's therapist has done with him in teaching him not to incorporate his father's disapproval. Wish mine were as good. :D
Part of the parity of the past week probably had to do with his anxiety at being away from the familiar (although I really do have a gift at navigation). Now he's back home, he'll go back to doing everything right and I won't do anything quite well enough.
But I'll try to hold on to that sense that I am not the second of his children or a complete idiot.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 17:36:57
In reply to Re: Vacation was good for me, posted by Sonya on August 7, 2005, at 15:05:52
That must have hurt. I'm sorry. Do you think there is any way to educate him? My tries at joint counseling have ended up causing more harm than good, but others have had success with it.
I don't think it's so much the mental illness stigma at my house. Maybe at work, where they think I'm way too high strung, but not at home so much.
But I do get an awful lot of migraines, and sleep an awful lot as well (most likely from diabetes, although my neurologist swears I have narcolepsy). So I guess I really don't pull my fair share of the weight in the house.
I think most of all that my husband is exceptionally competent. And he gets annoyed that not everyone else is as competent as he is. He thinks that if he can do it, everyone should be able to.
He gets annoyed at work, and he gets annoyed at home. At work he can't say anything (or he wouldn't get those stellar performance reviews) so I think he gets doubly annoyed with us. And maybe since my son was born, I might try to draw his displeasure so my son won't get as much.
To be truthful, I really enjoy the upside of having a genius super-competent husband. Which has always been my theory. That the characteristics we like least in others are the flip side of their strengths.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 17:41:47
In reply to Re: Vacation was good for me » Dinah, posted by justyourlaugh on August 7, 2005, at 15:17:03
No beach sands, I fear. My husband thought the beaches were not up to his standards of cleanliness. :) He wouldn't even let me stand on the paved scenic overlook in Malibu Canyon to take a photo because he had seen a snake bite antidote advertised nearby. He speeded up when I suggested it. :(
But we had lots of amusement park adventure. My son's favorite sort. And getting away helped with perspective.
I'm afraid I'm a bit too free embracing my own numerous flaws. It gives me little incentive to change. :)
But I could be a bit freer in embracing flaws in others, I must confess.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 17:42:30
In reply to Re: Vacation was good for me, posted by wildcard on August 7, 2005, at 16:45:58
Posted by ClearSkies on August 7, 2005, at 18:41:09
In reply to Vacation was good for me, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 13:55:29
We all missed you, Dinah. Welcome home.
Posted by JenStar on August 7, 2005, at 23:46:17
In reply to Vacation was good for me, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 13:55:29
hi Dinah,
welcome back! And I'm glad vac. was good for you. It's good to see you here again!About confidence -- maybe your husband like to take the "driver's seat," and after so many years of being the go-to girl growing up, it was easy and relaxing to just take shotgun for a while? And now, 13 years later, you realize that maybe the driver's seat is where you belong half the time too, but the whole family is used to the current situation and reluctant to change?
You probably can change it, even if it's slowly and with discussion. You seem so smart and with-it! I'm sure you're a great decision maker. It just may take a bit of time to get your family used to the new role...
JenStar
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